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I have this friend...

citizen cained

citizen cained

Bluelighter
Joined
Sep 25, 2010
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507
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Wherever I wake up in the morning, so my house mos
Ok so I have this friend who has some issues, me and this friend (friend A) have been friends since high school along with another mutual friend (friend B); we are all straight males (well B and I are and A says he is)

A is starting to cause problems, me and B are his only 2 friends and as a result the only people he hangs out with, B and I both have GF's and A has never had a relationship, A has been acting very weird for the past year or 2, if we ignore his txts for any period longer than a day he feels that we are "ditching him" or throwing his friendship back in his face, he lives in the past a lot and constantly complains that he meets the right people who are then brainwashed or removed by the bad people and that he focuses too much on getting back at the bad to pay attention to the good. Friend B no longer talks to him as much (not at all in the past 2 weeks) and friend A has said "if he can't make the effort to txt me then why should I bother" and he accuses him of being manipulated by his GF and pussywhipped (he is whipped to an extent but it is his first serious relationship so it doesn't bother me at all). I envy B for the fact that A no longer txts him.

This leaves me and him really, he constantly txts me to the point that my GF is getting fed up with it and calling him my BF (as a joke) he txts me at least 10 times a day about random shit that I don't give a crap about and I feel guilty if I do not reply as he will prob accuse me of ditching him etc; he goes in low moods now and again and constantly txts me about his low moods and that he thinks too much about past events and scenarios. I have tried to help, give him advice about finding other friends as well as B and I etc but it falls on deaf ears and to be honest, him being in low moods and txting me about it puts me in an awkward position and I just want him to go away and stop dragging me down with him.

He is driving me insane, I wish I had the guts to just not reply and not speak to him ever again until he sorts out his behavour but I am "too nice" to do that, my GF and I are thinking of moving far away for an unrelated reason but the only thing holding me back is the fact that A will not take it well as he has said to me before "if you moved away you would be a complete ass and throw everything back in my face" I wished I said to him: "people move on, no one is gonna be around forever".

I have no problem not speaking to him again tbh but the guilt of me telling him to "leave me the fuck alone and let me live my life" is stopping me from saying how I feel, I just wished I had the guts to say those words but my conscience is stopping me, I fear for his well being if I too "leave him"

If he was a douche then I would have no problem telling him to leave me alone but he is a nice guy and a very good friend if you ignore the above problems..

I want out of this, but without hurting anyone badly, any advice?
 
Tell him him what you tell us, that he is a very good friend, but this behaviour is unacceptable and needs to stop. After all, everyone is responsible for his or her own happiness. Especially within a friendship, you should be able to express such feelings and define your bounds.
 
If he really isn't gay, and you would rather help him than leave him and never talk to him again, why not help him get a girlfriend? It would divert his attention away from you, and you get the satisfaction of doing something good. I know it's not your responsibility, but that's one of the options.
 
Yeah, help him get a girlfriend, that is a good idea.
I've had needy friends before, and even if they are good friends in general, we don't last long. I just can't handle that constantly texting and calling and "OMG you didn't text me in the last five minutes you must HATE me" kinda thing.
Tell him when you'll hang out with him, make sure you have times, and things that you're going to do (clubbing? drinking? or whatever else you guys do for fun)
 
Sorry, OP, but I'm going to go against everyone else who responded so far. "Friend A" doesn't sound like a "very good friend." He sounds selfish and extremely manipulative. Time to cut the cord.
 
You gotta realize your friend is probably feeling alot worse than hese even expressing to you. He probably feels alone and is desperate for someone to stick with him till he gets to a better place in life. He probably has no idea hese annoying you because seriously how much harm can a few texts really do? Maybe you'll need him too one day and he'll be the only one there for you. Hese probably getting through each day telling himself "i know im a loser and i don't really benefit you or anyone in any way but at least im a good friend and not an asshole or a douche." Just think about it put yourself in his shoes maybe.
 
Just be straight up with him, honesty is a lot of the time, the best policy. Tell him what you think, an tell him you want some space. By the sounds of it, he wants someone there for him and is going through a rough patch. I'd let him know your there for him, but you need the space.

If he throws it back in your face, tell him where to stick it, if he carries on, also tell him where to stick it.
 
I've had multiple friends exactly like this - they're now no longer in my life at all.

After trying and trying for years (throughout different periods of my life) to give certain friends enough of my attention, I came to realise that the more I gave, the more they demanded and that despite my best efforts I was not helping one bit. At times it seemed as though I was helping or they were improving, but this was always temporary. People like this are missing something in their lives, and that void is too big for any one friend to fill.

I went down the helping-out route, the honesty route, the BRUTAL honesty route and absolutely nothing worked for more than a month at most. I had to cut them out entirely, and once I did, I could not believe how much better I felt! You just don't realise how badly these people get to you, and how much the daily guilt and pressure weighs down upon you. It's really sad and horrible to see friends going through tough periods of their life like this, but if they're resistant to change and aren't helping themselves then you sticking around is just making one more person unhappy. When people have this sort of dependancy on you, your friendship may even cause them more harm than good - they're always angry/disappointed/hurt when you can't give them 24/7 attention etc. They're always waiting for replies to text..all that sort of stuff. You become the outlet for a lot of their dissatisfaction in life, and they often blame the way they're feeling on us not being there for them enough when obviously, there are underlying issues they're failing or refusing to acknowledge. Sit him down, have a good chat with him, suggest he seek some professional help and advise him that you need your space and cannot be there for him as much as he would like you to be.

Warn him, be honest with him and then cut him off when his behaviour doesn't improve - they're his issues to deal with, and allowing him to you as a crutch isn't helping. Live your life, and don't let toxic people hold you back. I've been through this exact same thing more than once, and have always kicked myself for letting it go on for so long. Do yourself a favour and deal with this asap.
 
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