Mental Health I have problems beyond my comprehension

[Deleted member 175441]

Okay, to start off with the times I feel the most sane, or at least understanding my own reality, is when I'm "psychotic" or "delusional". I feel like the path set out in front of me is laid in stone, and by the people I should learn to hate. I fucking hate my family. I'm saying this right now, trying to remember all the FUCKING SHIT they've spewed in my face. Don't think I have it bad, my parents are giving as hell. I have it so nice right now. I should kiss my parents asses for what they so willingly give to me. Whats fucked though is how fucked up they view everything and how fucked up they can BREAK ME DOWN. THEY MAKE ME QUESTION REALITY ONLY TO CALL ME INSANE. CALL ME FUCKING RETARDED ONE MORE TIME AND SEE WHAT HAPPENS. Yeah mom, I'm the same exactly alcoholic fuck up you've dealt w/ all your life apparently, and keep telling me please! /sarcasm. Oh and dad, please tell me I've sucked your dick when I was younger and liked it again, watch me slit your fucking throat right after too! I bet I'll get off even more than you hypothetically did slitting your throat. I'm going to end this post now, in too much of a fucking piss fucked mood. 8(%):D8)

I guess I should give this thread a point... I'm diagnosed schizophrenic. I have no idea what that means. I experience phenomenon I can't explain, but I guess so does everybody. When I'm on stimulants I can control what I let other people see and hear, of what is MINE. off drugs I really couldn't care less, and thats a problem. On my meds I'm a zombie, so I guess the logical choice is to take meds so I can appear sane, even though I don't get to experience what everybody takes for granted as "emotions" and "drive to do things you enjoy". All I'm concerned about these days is how to control this twisted fucking projection my mind puts up for everbody to see and judge. jesus fucking christ, I know god only gave me what I could handle, but please lord give me something that makes this hell worth SOMETHING! GIVE ME CONTROL! GIVE ME MY POWER! GIVE ME SOME LOVE! GIVE ME SOMEBODY TO LOVE! SOMETHING

edit: my registered nurse tells me to journal my anxieties.. going to take this week sober and make sure to note during class any anxieties I have... the problem for me is anxiety is mostly a sensation... not so much a thought.. or a mix between the two? How does one begin to explain social phobia.. theres so much subconscious cues and whatnot going on during a calm conversation, let alone when you're anxious

 

[Jktm]

I worry about you man. You really should consider going to cognitive-behavioral therapist. They don't try to control you or get in your head; they just try to help guide you in the right direction. You could really benefit from seeing one of them (whether they be a social worker, a licensed counselor, or a doctor of psychology) as well as seeing your psychiatrist. You're young and there's many new treatments for psychiatric disorders that weren't readily available a few years ago and they could help you to lead a productive life. Don't let your mental anguish hold you back.

 

[Deleted member 175441]

I've calmed down a bit and I think I'm on the right med for right now. I just need to focus on getting the fuck out of this house. My mother is a nazi and my father a fucking idiot.

I KNOW I'm going to spend money on drugs once I get a job... and I'm thinking psychedelics.. I've been warned "you have schizo dont fucking do psychedelics" by my friend, and another friend today, but what the fuck? I've had to deal w/ shit I don't fucking understand, I'm still me, and I'm still going to do drugs. I want to understand whats going on in my head, and I think a psychedelic is a GOOD idea.

the tragedy of it all is the whole reason I dug myself in a stim hole w/ mdpv years ago was b/c I witnessed something that made me so fucking angry I wanted to kill somebody I'm related to, and my friend ashley was brave enough to bring it up to me. I forgot how much I repressed that.. hatred. Gave me flashbacks to bawling my eyes out until I did another life of mdpv to enter that heavenly epiphany of a high. I think thats what altered me in the first place and why I ended up schizophrenic. Gladly I'm not a BAMF like some of you on BL and don't have the balls to kill somebody, not like thats a good thing in any respect, but you catch my drift

tonight I had a taste of alcohol, and its been a while. It's frightening what realizations I come to whilst drunk and how sudden they are.. that feeling of just wanting to die and liking it. makes me want to puke or drink until I do

 

[Get2Think]

Your frustration is valid but working yourself up into a frenzy usually clouds the mind from seeing the underlying problems holding you down emotionally. It sounds like your moms giving you shit for drinking. I get that, so did mine, I said some really nasty things I still regret to this day. I get the inability to control oneself, I have ADD and often times don't pick up on social/facial cues correctly which has led to some embarassing/akward moments. What if I told you you could gain control over yourself mentally & physically but you had to stop with the drugs and alcohol. Is that a trade you would be willing to make?

 

[Deleted member 175441]

yes it is. I feel I could easily drop doing ritalin/concert and adderall being that I've done maybe almost two grams of fucking methylphenidate in 30 days, and my adderall binge was almost 500mg I think, so what a binge to end off with I guess.

 

[Get2Think]

Here is what I have encountered whynaught. When I wasn't doing stims/opiates/marijuana/booze, I discovered that my mental problems ADD, depression, anxiety were way lower almost to a point of not even being there. I use to have trouble looking people in the eye but now I can do it no problem. I use to think I was very weird and akward but I'm realizing when you take away the drugs, I'm a pretty normal dude. Which is great! I thought I had permanently fallen off the edge. Heres the thing, your using stims for a reason maybe its fun, maybe you enjoy the way they feel, maybe you need them, I don't know. But it wasn't until I wen't the natural route that my natural way of thinking returned to me, and trust me, it is way more managable and just easier. I know I have ADD, but I won't go back on adderall because I don't want to be stimmed up and affected in any way. Now I slow my mind by running 6 miles in the heat of the day. It does what ADD meds do (slow my roll) but naturally. So bottom line is this. There is a healthy solution for every single one of your ailments and never ever think you have gone to far into mental illness that you can't climb back out. Thats my feelings anyways.