"I have no mouth and I must scream"

I remember this title. I first saw it in a videogame magazine. Apparently it was made after a novel of a similar title. I forget the name of the author.

But this quote has stuck with me all this time, until now, affecting me with the same profundity it did back then.

So let me explain.

It seems I have an ailment, a disease, which has not yet been discovered by His Holiness, the Scientist.

It also seems that I have discovered an undiscovered cure for this undiscovered disease. The problem is that this cure is abused by veterinarians who overdose cats and horses on it in order to operate on the poor animals while they lay obliviously still.

It appears that if I were to take minuscule doses of this medicine, really barely enough to have any effect on a human, and if I take said doses on a regular schedule throughout the day, I can, for once, not be so afflicted and actually, truly feel alive!

Please do not call me an addict. For I only need 3 days of miniscule doses, which would "charge" me with enough life to last a good part of the proceeding month.

How, oh how, can I explain this to ANYONE without sounding like a raving lunatic?

Come to think about it, it makes perfect sense. In a world where the above simply goes over most people's heads at best one actually NEEDS a bit of anaesthesia all the time in order to survive...

I do not know.

 

It sounds like homeopathy (the treatment, whatever it is for) - but I can read between these lines. The reason it is used in veterinary settings is because pets are smaller than we are and other anaesthetics can cause respiratory distress. The same is true for children - they're just too little to knock out with the standard combo.

I would be remiss if I did not remind you of the issues we 'adults' can face with the same compound. 3 days a month really sets you right? If it's issues with your fibromyalgia, I find that keeping a low but constant level of diazepam tends to do the trick. It makes me a little tired at times, which I consider a small price to pay for not waking up with all those pressure points burning.

Not going to trigger you with what else works. What I will say is that I thought fibro was a made-up illness that people malingered to either get medication or go on disability payments. Wow, did I ever have to eat my words on that one. I am primarily affected in my knees (all four pressure points on those).

How do you respond to buproprion? I am back on it as of today (took a little break ) and already I feel the pressure points moving better, not creaky, and out of pain more or less. The mood lift kicks in about 2 weeks in; IME the results for fibro (dopamine hypothesis) are nearly immediate. It is legal and not scheduled.

I like the quote too; I can visualize it. I think we need a smiley for that?

Hang in there, with proper treatment it does get better.

 

Well, bupropion stopped working and toward the end I sunk into extreme melancholia. The second I was about to give up, this one knocked on my door. I did a 6-day course, and felt years upon years of misery go away.

Then I spent a whole month entirely unmedicated.

And now I am on my 4th day of another "session". I will be done tomorrow or the day after, and I will be a happy person for at least a month that follows.

No more diazepam. No more codeine. No more bupropion.

By the by, I found tiny doses of Nicotine (in the form of patches) and Gabapentin (400mg) and Ergoloid Mesylates (hydergine) amplify the effect and extend it for days and days after a single dose.

Maybe it is homeopathy - as I have been finding small doses of Naltrexone to be very interesting too.

Don't be so quick to dismiss it Jilly. I am well aware of the risks, but these (at the rate at which I'm using, which I had kept constant for 6+ years on and off) seem to be utterly devoid of nasty effects. Never a renal problem, never a stomach issue (which, make no mistake, DID happen when I abused it recreationally once or twice), and my memory is better than ever.

Yesterday I was able to make a conversation with a new cleaner at work who knew not a single word of Enlgish. He was half spanish, half brazillian, and somehow I was able to communicate with him using an amalgam of what little I know of both languages (err, "iberian"? hehe). It was amazing.

I sincerely hope you find peace in your life like this, Jilly. Wherever it happens to be derived from .

p.s. If my number of days sounds a bit iffy to you, you are welcome to PM me and I can explain the disparity between the figures I use.

 

I think that it's grand that you've found something that works for you, but please don't call it homeopathy. Sub-therapeutic and sub-recreational doses of drugs still have measurable amounts of active ingredients present; homeopathy is literally selling water as medicine.

I must say that yours is an interesting treatment though.

 

I honestly don't care what you call it. I call it "Ketatherapy" .

It WORKS, and works better than anything else. Basically, in the last 6 years, take any time I was feeling like myself, and the only thing I was taking was K. Take anytime I was suicidal, and I was using all other "normal" treatments.

Tomorrow, I'm going to trick my psychiatrist once more to diagnose me with a different disorder and undiagnose me from my most recent one (apparently now I have ADD - and have a script of adderall to show for it, too). They are THAT dependable, those authorities!

 

Definitely not homeopathy. Although an NMDA receptor antagonist, at low (sub-anesthetic doses), ketamine is known to act as a stimulant. But, its stimulant action is counter-intuitive. It is based on its disinhibition of CNS inhibitory circuits. In other words, K inhibits NMDA-receptor activated inhibitory circuitry. This stimulatory effect could be what you are experiencing.
Also, I'm surprised that the effect would last for a month. Ketamine is very short acting. It is metabolized within a few hours. But maybe that's all the time you need to put yourself into a better and more stable mood with the help of the ketamine.

 

DXM definitely has those effects, it just lets you express yourself without any wordly inhibitions or anything. It makes your mind open itself up. I could imagine it could be really therapeutic for people with some sort of disorder like you could describe. I remember on my last DXM trip it made me feel like I had myself taken apart and put back together, it just opens you up to express yourself, and 'builds' you back. I'm not sure it's the same thing though, considering you express this effect at such a low dose. Idk.