I have messed up, big time, I really don't know what to do, I need help fast.

[UK Warrior]

Hi people.

I had a severe Alcohol problem and Heroin addiction, that led to brain damage, that I beat on the 23rd April 2014 (My birthday) as I was admitted to hospital with my liver damaged, and detoxed in hospital for a week (UK NHS).

After this, I could not sleep, so was prescribed Mirtazapine and Diazepam. I suffer with severe anxiety and depression, caused by my hypogonadism, it is not as bad now it is being treated but still there.

The Diazepam stopped helping, and I could not rest, so I found this drug called Flubromazolam.

I am making it at 1MG/ML in PG, I know it is active at 0.25-0.5MG, but I am taking around 4.5MG a day now as my tolerence has risen over the months.

It is not fake, my fiancee took 0.5MG and was knocked out, I could not wake her.

A ban comes in on these substances in april/may time, so I think I may well die this year.

The alcohol withdrawal nearly did kill me, and I suffered withdrawal seizures, and also delerium tremens, and have brain damage and my pituitary gland no longer functions correctly and I have hypogonadism, this caused osteoporosis of my spine and hips, I have to have monthly steroid injections to keep my testosterone levels up.

I have made up a plan to reduce, and it seems it will be possible if I drop by around .2ML weekly and in theory should be able to be off of it before the ban.

I am very scared this will not happen though, I feel trapped, I got myself in this situation, I feel so stupid, and I don't want to leave my family behind, or my fiancee, who I love more than anything, and she does me. I don't know how she will live without me, we spend everyday together and have done for 5 years. But ending it now would stop the suffering that is to come.

What can I do? I am on a Methadone program reducing that, I am down to 26 ML of methadone, I did get down to 3ML but messed up, so I also feel I am doing all of this, and come April/May, it will be for nothing as I will be dead.

I don't know what to do. Is it even possible to reduce at that rate and be OK? My fiancee had withdrawal seizures from using it for a few months at 1MG, so I know if I don't reduce, 4.5-5ML a day is going to be the death of me, quite literally.

Has anyone been this addicted to benzos before? Did you manage it? Is it really worse than alcohol withdrawal? As that was HORRIFIC. I can't go through that again, but I need to to live for her and my family, but don't know how I will.

Please god help me, Please.

If this is in the wrong section, I am sorry-but I feel like giving up now instead of extending the suffering.

 

[GolemGolem]

Aww dude, That sucks. You're not the only one sadly.
What would be best is a damn fine doctor who has either seen cases like yours, or at least can do some reading and math, and who you can be totally straight with, while at the same time advocating for your treatment. Then, follow his plan of care to a T. You're going to need to taper, some people can do that on their own, but certainly not everyone.
It's going to suck, but you can beat this.

 

[David Wooderson]

I was the only benzo klonopin 8mg opiate addict suboxone 16mg in detox, everyone else was booze.

Everyone else made it without a stint in a psych ward too.

You have to get treatment mate, you could end up in some serious shit.
You already seem to have serious health issues, trying to do this on your own will be next to impossible.
Even I had a very, very hard time finding a place that would accept me due to my dosages, but eventually found one.
If I had known I was going to end up in the psych ward, I would have never checked into the hospital, I did this for myself, but in the long run it was a small price to pay for how much better things are now.
You might want to downplay your dosages until you get in the door though as I found it next to impossible to find a place that would take me, being honest.

 

[Uber_Penguin]

Uh, yeah, have you asked a doctor? Trust me, I'm well acquainted with the whole addiction thing, but generally in society "Oh, well I guess they're just going to die" isn't really an appropriate solution to anything. So maybe try going to a doctor and telling them exactly what you're telling us here? It's no guarantee that that specific doctor will help you, but if you ask around someone is going to be able to at least point you in the right direction. Again, medical professionals sorta know that benzo withdrawal is serious business, and just letting otherwise healthy people die doesn't really happen, so I'd probably go in that direction.