Lightning-Nl
Bluelighter
- Joined
- Nov 11, 2012
- Messages
- 1,245
I'm writing this thread to get immediate feedback on the situation and to keep track of everything I think of because the memories are sporadic. Some days I remember one thing but not another, but then the next day I remember another thing but not the one from yesterday. It's there, influencing my subconscious, but I can't remember. Actually, I remember......but I don't. I know it's there....I can feel it there. Bit I can't bring it into my conscious thoughts.
If I try, I get very dissociated. I stare at the floor, lost in thought, not really paying attention or realizing what I'm doing or where I'm going. All of sudden I'll snap back into reality and completely forget what I was just doing or where I was going and why. It's like I'm there, but I'm not. I realize what I'm doing...but I don't. I can't explain it very well. But that's what these day's feel like. I realize what's going on but I'm not there. I'm totally lost in a mix of my subconscious and executive functioning. It's like my subconscious is shouting something in my ear, but my logical thinking is thinking - "No. There's no solid proof of that, therefore we can't conclude anything. Nope, nodda, that didn't happen, you're imagining things. La La La La La! I can't hear you!"
My subconscious is saying things like "You are a worthless piece of life! A pitiful excuse for a human being! The only reason I let you live is so I can watch you squirm! I hate you so much I would pay to see a bunch of people beat the crap out of you! You worthless piece of shit! Just look at you!!! You have no friends! No one will ever love you! You suck at everything! You have no future!!!!! YOU ARE A WASTE!!!! KILL YOURSELF! IMMEDIATELY!"
I hear other voices in my head. Another prominent one usually goes something like - "You work for the government. You're inside my head. You can read my thoughts! I'M BEING HELD HERE AGAINST MY WILL!"
Now let me explain these memories.
I'm not sure if any of these actually happened. They don't seem real, yet they are. I remember fragments clear as day, but I can't confirm or deny whether their presence is something that actually happened, or if it's memories that I just created through false memory syndrome. It looks real, it sounds real, but it feels surreal. But this quote rings true for my feeling about them...
But now lets get into the actual memories
There's many things that stick out, but lets talk about recurring dreams that I probably had 20-30 times between the ages of 3 - 10.
1. I would be having a bad dream. Something awful was always happening, and then the dream would end right before the worst thing was about to happen. Then that dream would fade out and instantly switch to another dream. Instantly I'd be sitting in my sunroom of the house I used to live. There was a couch next to the wall and I would be talking to my mother about the same thing every time. What's so odd is this was so vivid I remember everything about it. It feels more like a memory because of that - a memory that I would constantly relive over and over at the end of some nightmares.
Anyways, I'd be sitting on the couch I used to have. The couch was grey-with white dots all over it. The sunroom was made of wood - pine ceiling, pine floor, pine walls. The couch was sitting against the side of the room that was against the house. So it would be looking out at my backyard which was lightly covered in fog for some reason. As I mentioned above, I would always be talking to my mother about the same thing.
I would be sitting there, on the spotted couch, with my mother. All of a sudden, I would ask my mother about the movie "The Village." I never actually saw the movie, and I have no intent of ever watching it. But I remember I saw the trailer for it a couple times on TV. The trailer I can remember pretty vividly as well. I don't remember the beginning of the trailer, but I remember that the beginning was something about monsters coming at night in this village. It was only a folk legend in the town until one day, a couple peoples houses were marked by a red X in blood on their door. The next night it showed that something would come into their house at night and the next day, the people who had been marked would be dead.
In my dream, I was asking my mother about the movie and if she ever saw it. You know normally in dreams how people are doing weird things and the dream doesn't make that much sense? This dream made perfect sense and I was acting exactly like I would in real life - everything I would do was spot on. I would ask my mother if she ever saw the movie, if something like that was possible, and the third sentence is the only thing I forget about the dream.
Her reaction to my question was exactly how she would have acted in real life. She was slightly annoyed by the question. I believe something was running through her mind like "Where does he get all these weird, scary questions from? It must be the video games he plays or something! Damn those video games! It must be those!" That's exactly what her facial expression would be like. She would then pat my leg, roll her eyes and say - "Of course not Zeke" then stand up and leave the room.
Then I would be alone...all alone. I would be sitting there for a second, but it was like I was frozen. I'd be looking around the room, into the fog of my backyard. All of a sudden, I'd look either my left or my right (this is the only way the dream ever differed from each other) and standing right there in my face would be a monster. Someone or something I didn't know. The second I would look at them, they would scream put their hands up and jump at me. Then everything would freeze. It was like time stopped. Right before whatever this thing was could grab me - the dream would just totally freeze.
The instant the dream froze, I would become conscious and be aware that I was dreaming. But for (what felt like) a couple minutes, this dream would just be frozen. This monster would be milliseconds away from grabbing me, but it was like time was frozen. I could still see what was going on, but I couldn't move. I would be stuck staring at this monster forever. Just staring at him. Like he was constantly there. Constantly watching my every move. But I couldn't escape. I was frozen in time. There was no way out, no one was coming to save me. It was the most horrible feeling I've ever experienced in my entire life. Having this....thing about to grab me at any moment, but there was nothing I could do. I was frozen. Like he was watching and waiting for me to just screw up and the second I would, he would......I don't know what he would do, but I know it wouldn't be good.
A great example is that scene in Monsters Inc when Sully scaring boo is frozen on the TV.
After a couple minutes of this hell, the dream would start fading to grey, not black, but grey. It was like I could see and feel myself waking up. It was definitely sleep paralysis, but the dream was very real.
This Todd Rundgren song is exactly how every night has been for me since I can remember. Every single day I feel this way. Even if he has to come back the next day, and the next day, and the next day, and the next day, and the next day, and the next day, and the next day, and the next day, and the next day, and the next day, and the next day, and the next day, and the next day, and the next day, and the next day, and the next day, and the next day, and the next day, and the next day.
Another great song for describing how I feel (oddly by Todd Rundgren as well) is "Tiny Demons." Every night these demons whisper in my ear "lockjaw's coming" "lockjaw's coming" "lockjaw's coming." Over and over. They don't say lockjaw specifically, that's just the metafore I'm using, but it's always "someones coming to get you." I lay awake in bed. Wide eyed and scared out of my mind. A good way to describe it is; I felt incredibly "jacked up." Like I was high on meth or something. My heart would be racing, my thoughts would be racing, my legs would be twitching.....it was like I was always prepared to get up and run if I had to.
There's much more I can explain, but it's gotten late and I'm tired of typing this. I'll remember more tomorrow.
If I try, I get very dissociated. I stare at the floor, lost in thought, not really paying attention or realizing what I'm doing or where I'm going. All of sudden I'll snap back into reality and completely forget what I was just doing or where I was going and why. It's like I'm there, but I'm not. I realize what I'm doing...but I don't. I can't explain it very well. But that's what these day's feel like. I realize what's going on but I'm not there. I'm totally lost in a mix of my subconscious and executive functioning. It's like my subconscious is shouting something in my ear, but my logical thinking is thinking - "No. There's no solid proof of that, therefore we can't conclude anything. Nope, nodda, that didn't happen, you're imagining things. La La La La La! I can't hear you!"
My subconscious is saying things like "You are a worthless piece of life! A pitiful excuse for a human being! The only reason I let you live is so I can watch you squirm! I hate you so much I would pay to see a bunch of people beat the crap out of you! You worthless piece of shit! Just look at you!!! You have no friends! No one will ever love you! You suck at everything! You have no future!!!!! YOU ARE A WASTE!!!! KILL YOURSELF! IMMEDIATELY!"
I hear other voices in my head. Another prominent one usually goes something like - "You work for the government. You're inside my head. You can read my thoughts! I'M BEING HELD HERE AGAINST MY WILL!"
Now let me explain these memories.
I'm not sure if any of these actually happened. They don't seem real, yet they are. I remember fragments clear as day, but I can't confirm or deny whether their presence is something that actually happened, or if it's memories that I just created through false memory syndrome. It looks real, it sounds real, but it feels surreal. But this quote rings true for my feeling about them...
R. Lutece 1889 said:
But now lets get into the actual memories
There's many things that stick out, but lets talk about recurring dreams that I probably had 20-30 times between the ages of 3 - 10.
1. I would be having a bad dream. Something awful was always happening, and then the dream would end right before the worst thing was about to happen. Then that dream would fade out and instantly switch to another dream. Instantly I'd be sitting in my sunroom of the house I used to live. There was a couch next to the wall and I would be talking to my mother about the same thing every time. What's so odd is this was so vivid I remember everything about it. It feels more like a memory because of that - a memory that I would constantly relive over and over at the end of some nightmares.
Anyways, I'd be sitting on the couch I used to have. The couch was grey-with white dots all over it. The sunroom was made of wood - pine ceiling, pine floor, pine walls. The couch was sitting against the side of the room that was against the house. So it would be looking out at my backyard which was lightly covered in fog for some reason. As I mentioned above, I would always be talking to my mother about the same thing.
I would be sitting there, on the spotted couch, with my mother. All of a sudden, I would ask my mother about the movie "The Village." I never actually saw the movie, and I have no intent of ever watching it. But I remember I saw the trailer for it a couple times on TV. The trailer I can remember pretty vividly as well. I don't remember the beginning of the trailer, but I remember that the beginning was something about monsters coming at night in this village. It was only a folk legend in the town until one day, a couple peoples houses were marked by a red X in blood on their door. The next night it showed that something would come into their house at night and the next day, the people who had been marked would be dead.
In my dream, I was asking my mother about the movie and if she ever saw it. You know normally in dreams how people are doing weird things and the dream doesn't make that much sense? This dream made perfect sense and I was acting exactly like I would in real life - everything I would do was spot on. I would ask my mother if she ever saw the movie, if something like that was possible, and the third sentence is the only thing I forget about the dream.
Her reaction to my question was exactly how she would have acted in real life. She was slightly annoyed by the question. I believe something was running through her mind like "Where does he get all these weird, scary questions from? It must be the video games he plays or something! Damn those video games! It must be those!" That's exactly what her facial expression would be like. She would then pat my leg, roll her eyes and say - "Of course not Zeke" then stand up and leave the room.
Then I would be alone...all alone. I would be sitting there for a second, but it was like I was frozen. I'd be looking around the room, into the fog of my backyard. All of a sudden, I'd look either my left or my right (this is the only way the dream ever differed from each other) and standing right there in my face would be a monster. Someone or something I didn't know. The second I would look at them, they would scream put their hands up and jump at me. Then everything would freeze. It was like time stopped. Right before whatever this thing was could grab me - the dream would just totally freeze.
The instant the dream froze, I would become conscious and be aware that I was dreaming. But for (what felt like) a couple minutes, this dream would just be frozen. This monster would be milliseconds away from grabbing me, but it was like time was frozen. I could still see what was going on, but I couldn't move. I would be stuck staring at this monster forever. Just staring at him. Like he was constantly there. Constantly watching my every move. But I couldn't escape. I was frozen in time. There was no way out, no one was coming to save me. It was the most horrible feeling I've ever experienced in my entire life. Having this....thing about to grab me at any moment, but there was nothing I could do. I was frozen. Like he was watching and waiting for me to just screw up and the second I would, he would......I don't know what he would do, but I know it wouldn't be good.
A great example is that scene in Monsters Inc when Sully scaring boo is frozen on the TV.
After a couple minutes of this hell, the dream would start fading to grey, not black, but grey. It was like I could see and feel myself waking up. It was definitely sleep paralysis, but the dream was very real.
This Todd Rundgren song is exactly how every night has been for me since I can remember. Every single day I feel this way. Even if he has to come back the next day, and the next day, and the next day, and the next day, and the next day, and the next day, and the next day, and the next day, and the next day, and the next day, and the next day, and the next day, and the next day, and the next day, and the next day, and the next day, and the next day, and the next day, and the next day.
Another great song for describing how I feel (oddly by Todd Rundgren as well) is "Tiny Demons." Every night these demons whisper in my ear "lockjaw's coming" "lockjaw's coming" "lockjaw's coming." Over and over. They don't say lockjaw specifically, that's just the metafore I'm using, but it's always "someones coming to get you." I lay awake in bed. Wide eyed and scared out of my mind. A good way to describe it is; I felt incredibly "jacked up." Like I was high on meth or something. My heart would be racing, my thoughts would be racing, my legs would be twitching.....it was like I was always prepared to get up and run if I had to.
There's much more I can explain, but it's gotten late and I'm tired of typing this. I'll remember more tomorrow.
and luck to you.
