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  • TDS Moderators: AlphaMethylPhenyl | paranoid android

I have just decided to retire from drug use.

hematocritter

hematocritter

Greenlighter
Joined
Sep 12, 2011
Messages
45
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Where women flock like the salmon of Capistrano
I have been thinking quite a bit about my drug use over the last couple years.
For the longest time it was nothing but excitement, and I loved learning and experimenting with different things.
Unfortunately, because of a genetic predisposition to building massive resistance to all drugs extremely quickly, things can get out of hand
pretty quick.
I have been taking many breaks from various drugs over the last six months or so, thinking some time off would refresh me.
It just didn't work. I would feel decent my first day using, then the next time I would be back to having a full tolerance. I feel side effects, but
get almost no reward. I will use drugs from the same batch as my friends, and they will all be having the time of their lives.... while I am stoned cold sober.

Maybe that is a good thing. Maybe it is the universe telling me to stop.

Today I tried a little coke for the first time in a long time. I took a shot of a very miniscule dose, I'm talking maybe 10mg. This is very potent stuff though.
My heart rate and BP went through the roof, I got tingly, and my legs wobbled. It scared the hell out of me because the dose was so low, I wasn't expecting those sides at that dose.
I had no rush at all and only the slightest feeling of well being for a matter of seconds. Its just not
worth the negative effects on my health to be doing that. At least when I first started doing it a couple years back I would have the most intense, euphoric experience of my life.
Nothing compares to that, and I guess I can never feel that again.

I have done meth a handful of times in my life. A friend gave me a gram the other day. The first day I used it, I felt awesome. Not like a maniac, just calmly focused
on my work and feeling an overall sense of well being. I have anxiety naturally, and meth took that all away. I got a lot of work done that day and was calm but energized.
The next day I took it again, and absolutely nothing happened.
I could go on for days about every drug and how it gets everyone completely high while I am stuck sober and bored.

I recently kicked a 600mg per day oxy habit. I didn't even feel them anymore. I quit cold turkey and barely felt bad. Just a couple days of being tired and having tunnel vision, then I was fine.

I really miss taking a shot of nice blow once a month just to get that train station bell ringer, but I can't even get that if I take a couple months off. Its as if I have fried all of my neurotransmitters.

I guess these signs mean it is time for me to hang it up. It will be better for me in the long run. I just always liked to party, and I will miss that.
I suppose my body will thank me for it though.

Has anyone else found themselves in a situation where they just couldn't get high from anything at all? I can barely feel I'm on something while my buddies have their eyes rolled in the back of their heads.

I am getting old anyway, 30 now, married, have a mortgage and a business. I guess it is the right time to straighten up. I'll miss it, but i'll find something else to get my adrenaline going.
Not sure why I posted this, I guess I Just wanted to rant a bit and announce that I would be leaving. (not that anyone knows me or cares, lol)

On a positive note, I quit drinking hard liquor 2 years ago and I quit smoking cigarettes 5 days ago.
I still drink a couple beers on the weekend, but I don't try to get drunk anymore.

Anyway, thanks for the help I have received here since I began lurking these forums long ago. I learned a lot and there seems to be a lot of good people here.
Best of luck to you all, I'm off to the sober life (that sounds so boring to say, but oh well).
Have fun everyone, stay safe.
 
It's actually kind of the opposite for me at this point, but when I was doing grams a day of drone and had a bitch of a tolerance, all of the weekend warriors were rolling their asses off while I couldn't blow enough lines to make them amusing. It gets to be a waste of money, time, and energy. I commend you for deciding to shift your focus towards your marriage and business, and life is sure to award you in due time. Decide to stick with it through the transitional phase and you're golden.
Best of luck,
-pastel
 
I completely agree with the waste of money, time, and energy. I get all excited getting my stuff together, and when the fun part is supposed to happen, it is completely mundane. Makes me wonder what the hell I am doing.
Thank you for your comment, despite my drug abuse, I have made sure to keep my bills paid and keep my wife happy. I want to improve completely for her though, because she didn't marry a junky.... and its not fair for me to change that up on her.

Luckily I have cut off 99% of the people that I lived that lifestyle with. That will make things much easier.
 
i think it happens to anyone who is a drug addict. I know causal users can use for ever and enjoy it every time but once you break through a drug ceiling and abuse it once you will always forever compare every other drug use to that Highest dose.. so drug addicts all end up to the point where you can't get high anymore.. sucks.

I think your right except its how things have worked out and work on something else... find something else to get your blood pumping.
 
Sounds like a very good choice and you are right-- there are so many ways out there to get your adrenaline up. Lots of people need to leave BL when they quit using drugs because they find it too triggering. If that is not the case for you, please feel free to come back in TDS and talk to other people that are needing support to find the resolve you've found in yourself. I think one of the best ways we can support each other is to talk to each other no matter where we find ourselves currently, sober, using, addicted, dependent or recreational. :)
 
I've experienced something like this two different times in my life and it is horrible. All of the sudden (without the high) I have no desire to go out, etc. Then you have to "cope" with sobriety.

I fully think you're making the right decision. God bless man, good luck!
 
xxsicknessxx said:
i think it happens to anyone who is a drug addict. I know causal users can use for ever and enjoy it every time but once you break through a drug ceiling and abuse it once you will always forever compare every other drug use to that Highest dose.. so drug addicts all end up to the point where you can't get high anymore.. sucks.

I think your right except its how things have worked out and work on something else... find something else to get your blood pumping.
Click to expand...

your posts are strange! are you just trolling? everytime i read one of your posts i just dont get what the fuck you are on about?

OP thanks for the thread and all the best 'moving forward'

peace
 
What they're saying completely makes sense. They're saying once you abuse a drug you only compare it to the best that drug has felt yet you can never achieve those effects again despite all the money and time you waste, yet every time you use it you expect it to feel just as good, but end up with disappointment. That's essentially drug addiction in a nutshell for you.
 
my friend william came to me with a message of hope, it went fuck you and everything that you think you know. if you don’t step outside, the things that you believe, they’re gonna kill you. he said no one’s going to stop you, from dying, young and miserable and right, but if you wan’t something better, you gotta put that shit aside. i thought about how for thousands of years, there have been people who told us that things can't go on like this. from jesus christ to the diggers, from malthus to zerzan, from karl marx to huey newton. but the shit goes on and on, and on and on, and on and on and on
 
I wish I could resolve all my personal issues that make me strive to feel altered in a way where I don't feel the things that hurt so badly. Hopefully someday I won't need drugs just to be pretend happy
 
Me and my brother were just having a very similar conversation today. I take drugs everyday, but have stopped enjoying them (except weed) long ago. I only take them to feel normal now. There's no joy or rush or any shit like that anymore. It's just a habit I spend money on- and god forbid you don't answer the call of the monkey. You're on HIS leash now and you gotta play by all his rules. Fuck that. I don't want to sing for my supper anymore.
 
Thanks for the comments everyone. I just came to the conclusion the other day that I turned to drugs when my other sources of adrenaline rush stopped. I raced motocross professionally, and flying over the catapult jump in a stadium with camera flashes everywhere is better than any drug out there. When I retired from injuries, I began racing sport bikes. Two friends died on them, and I had a serious injury myself. It just seems that everything I love is dangerous. I am searching for something safe yet gets my blood pumping. I got into racing cars, but its not something I can do all the time because it is so expensive to rent track time and to maintain the car. It feels like all I do is work now, and it makes me want to take drugs.

Pradaxa said:
Hi Hematocritter....best to you. How long did you take the OXY at 600mg. I am on a taper and am interested to understand what to expect. My first pill was in 2000...12 years non stop up to 180 right now. Thanks and stay safe.
Click to expand...

I took just 30mg every couple days for 3 years, then started building up to multiple pills per day. I would say I was on 600mg for about 2 years straight. It seems everyone reacts different. The taper is good for some, subs for others, and methadone for the rest. I took 10mg of methadone for about a week and it really helped.
My good friend took 900mg oxy per day for 5 years straight and he just came off cold turkey. He said he went through hell for 60 days but he is like a new man now. He looks and acts so much better. He said it was so bad that just looking at an oxy makes him sick.
 
Paulymorphone said:
I wish I could resolve all my personal issues that make me strive to feel altered in a way where I don't feel the things that hurt so badly. Hopefully someday I won't need drugs just to be pretend happy
Click to expand...

Drugs to be 'pretend' happy? The whole reason I do drugs is because they make me happy. Its not ''pretend'' by any means, I'm euphoric
 
Hey hema.. love the adrenalin myself.. had to take increasingly larger cliff drops on skis to get that rush, also pretty big water kayaking, big mountain snowmobiling, same thing with the drugs always faster more and combinations.. its the rush i love.. I started to focus on peace.. because i realized that peace is something you can maintain, like the idea of feeling kinda like after a BIG DAY or a big jump, when i felt good had all the confidence in the word and felt i was living an amazing life, but i realized I could get that almost all the time, so i changed my perception, cleaned up off the drugs, started doing things that evoke a relaxing peace.. now i'm not saying I dropped all the crazy stuff i do, just look a things differently.. before i edge up to a decent cliff drop, I think to myself.. so many people i know have broke themselves doing this.. Is living with a life changing injury worth that rush.. no probably not, not now not ever, so i dropped the heals and changed to telemarking.. slowed me way down.. now i focus on getting in the zone, skiing well to the point I lose sense of time.. I realize that i dont have to put my life on the line to know i'm alive, kayak fun water not scary water.. found a place where I no longer need to prove myself to myself.. and looked at the fact that doing insane dangerous stuff didn't mean that i was really living an amazing life.. or rather i could even live a more amazing life if I focussed on activities that where more rewarding and looked for FLOW, balance your life out, find things to do that make you loose the sense of time, pay attention to your heart as it knows where the flow for you can be found.. th crazy risks we took are a part of us but by no means define us or our lives.. still so many things that dont involve the edge to find in your life.. I know this may sound cheesy, but its true so I will take the risk of cheesing it up.. try and find a flow with the universe.. love to see one of those catapult picks=D..
 
neversickanymore- That is awesome that you have found a way to get your rush more safely. The only time I have been able to do that is when I was trail riding dirt bikes and snowboarding.... not exactly taking it easy, but not trying to kill myself either..... I was focusing on the beauty of what was around me, it almost surreal, I felt that I was on drugs. I wish there were more moments like that in my life.
You made me realize that there are some safer things that I can still enjoy.... I have had a great time in the past river rafting, spelunking, and zip-lining down waterfalls, not too hectic but not too weak either. Those are good balances.
The trouble with me is that being born and bred to race motocross, fear is a huge factor. In pro arenacross, you get about 3 laps to learn the track, and they're nasty. If you crash on one of those doubles or triples, you better get back up and do it again the next lap or you can forget about being competitive. Your trainer (usually your dad) will make you do this over and over from age 4 so that it becomes second nature, lol.
I think I learned to love the fear.
You said that 'Is living with a life changing injury worth that rush'..... its so strange for me to read that today, because my friend and I were talking about that exact thing earlier tonight. I said that I always felt that as much as I loved all the reckless and wild stuff I did, when things go bad, ITS NEVER WORTH IT. Even feeling that way, I can't stop taking the risks. The fear is part of the fun, the risk......even tough its not worth it in the end. I bashed my head in so bad that my brain doesn't communicate with my kidneys and I have to pee every damn 30 minutes unless I take vasopressin nose spray. Two of my friends are in wheelchairs. It sucks, but this is our life..
I always think of those scientists that spent day and night working to make their discovery. Sometimes I wish I had a passion like that... something I could love and obsess over that had absolutely no danger. Unless we're talking about Marie Curie, lol.

I'm typing from my house right now, but I am supposed to see my mom this week and I'll get some pics over there from my glory days. I feel like Al Bundy, I peaked in high school, lol.
 
I've been addicted to anything I can acquire for essentially my entire drug-use/abuse career.
For the most part it stopped being fun long ago, and just became a routine I find impossible to break, no matter how much I want to escape from addiction.
Lately I've been facing the stark reality of a decade of addiction and its toll on my health, my social life/hobbies (or lack thereof), my finances and focus .. still can't turn this long-standing realization into even a week or two's sobriety though. I've felt trapped for so long; as others have said, it seems impossible to adjust to sobriety despite all its benefits.

In my experience, recovery is exponential as it relates to time ... but the memories of why you are trying to quit are so easily erased in one moment's weakness. Starting at square zero time after time erases hope and just keeps you down & repeating the same cycle.

I can't imagine a life without drugs/alcohol, even though I don't get much of anything out of my use/abuse. Having lost so much of my life over the years makes facing sobriety seemingly insurmountable.
Catch 22 :\
 
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