PearlBoots
Bluelighter
- Joined
- Sep 29, 2018
- Messages
- 170
***I'm almost embarrassed posting this. But as I literally know no one here, this is my best option to get this shit out. I'm not looking for sympathy, just someone to hear it that isn't myself I guess. I don't know.
A few years back, I was in a terribly abusive relationship. I won't get into much details. Towards the end, he put me in a Coma for 2 weeks. (You get an idea of just how bad) 2 years of my life was a literal hell, an it unfortunately left it's scars in more than just a physical aspect.
Anyways, When I think back to possible factors that helped guide me into drug abuse, this is one of the first that pops into my mind. He stole my youth, my security, who I was as a person. (Not permanently, so I've learned through time) I have slowly but surely picked up the pieces of myself I blocked out for so many years. (8 to be exact)
Fast forward to 2 months ago, this man ran into me at a local pub. It wasn't pleasant to say the least. Ended with him in jail. Which, you'd think that would/should satisfy me. However, some how I am not. I check his record/current court activities daily, obsessively almost.
I have the feelings of impending doom again. The constant worry again. This feeling of nervousness that never quits. The feeling of needing to shut myself down and out away from everyone to protect myself. And thus it leaves me lonely, on my own accord.
I hate this. I've been catching myself doing more than just the recreational use. It's like I subconsciously just want to remain numb so I don't have to face my fears. Fears some would see as irrational. I'm scared. I feel myself going back down a path that I fought so hard to get off of. I don't know what to do. I am failing myself, an I just can't seem to stop. Things weren't bad, they weren't good necessarily either, but this just pushed me past my limits it seems.
A few years back, I was in a terribly abusive relationship. I won't get into much details. Towards the end, he put me in a Coma for 2 weeks. (You get an idea of just how bad) 2 years of my life was a literal hell, an it unfortunately left it's scars in more than just a physical aspect.
Anyways, When I think back to possible factors that helped guide me into drug abuse, this is one of the first that pops into my mind. He stole my youth, my security, who I was as a person. (Not permanently, so I've learned through time) I have slowly but surely picked up the pieces of myself I blocked out for so many years. (8 to be exact)
Fast forward to 2 months ago, this man ran into me at a local pub. It wasn't pleasant to say the least. Ended with him in jail. Which, you'd think that would/should satisfy me. However, some how I am not. I check his record/current court activities daily, obsessively almost.
I have the feelings of impending doom again. The constant worry again. This feeling of nervousness that never quits. The feeling of needing to shut myself down and out away from everyone to protect myself. And thus it leaves me lonely, on my own accord.
I hate this. I've been catching myself doing more than just the recreational use. It's like I subconsciously just want to remain numb so I don't have to face my fears. Fears some would see as irrational. I'm scared. I feel myself going back down a path that I fought so hard to get off of. I don't know what to do. I am failing myself, an I just can't seem to stop. Things weren't bad, they weren't good necessarily either, but this just pushed me past my limits it seems.
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