I have a problem with the way I think

[redandgreen]

I get almost delusional sometimes thinking of what I can achieve. I have been depressed since I had a near death experience and since then for years I felt grey in life. Nothing spoke to me. More recently I just rediscovered life, music, art, my drive for meaningful relationships. I get to fantasizing sometimes about the things I can do and I feel so good, I will say and do things that make me feel like superman in a way. For a week not long ago I felt like a different person. I could talk and hold conversations, girls noticed me, I was active and slept well. Now due to situations I have had one of the darkest few days of my life. I ignored a responsibility and it has me now. I'm trying to just breathe and be a tree. I've been using codeine near daily and have my last dose I'm considering taking tonite as I have a big negative event in my life tonite. But behind all this I feel so inspired I am writing music and poetry and it all feels so good, I am lost in books. I just don't want to deal with anything else. If I can practice my art for the rest of my natural life and feel and give and be loved I will be ok.

But I can't take anymore confinment. I might have to go to jail or back in with my parents (worse than jail maybe). I don't know. I'm capable of so much good and to be locked up for I think a lot of how I want to die but I also love life. I'm going to seek professional help soon. I forgot how important meditation is. Exercise and exhileration are so important to me. I feel bipolar sometimes / all the time. The girl I want so bad won't talk to me but it doesn't bother me as much as it would have if I were the person I was a year ago. Today I felt despair and optimism. I am scared if I attain happiness ill lose an important part of me.


Woo well that's it. I realize how cobbled and mishmash this is and I still feel better getting it out. It is ok if u read this don't worry about wondering wat to say. Sometimes I just need to hear and see my words and thoughts on screen

 

[tripnotyzm]

Hang in there R&G, from what ive gathered already is that amongst all the negative emotions you have been battling, you still have a big positive streak shining through.
Rediscovering the quality of life, the enjoyment of music & art is a wonderful thing. You should try focusing on achieving these fulfilling parts of life more frequently.
How certain is it that you will be heading to prision?? If this can be avoided, take the time to further appreciate a life of freedom.
I have never been to jail, but as a very creative person i can say that it would have the most gruelling impact on my artistic output.
Living at home isnt the greatest. But its way better than strict confinement.
I am really hoping you can still find a way out man.
It seems like you really know how to appreciate the quality of life, despite all this stuff going on, and for that you should be happy
Peace.

 

[redandgreen]

I went to court today and it really wasn't all that bad. I think I mite be able to avoid prison but I accept it I guess I have no choice and it shouldn't be too long. I took my last dose of codeine before my bottle ran out this morning and now it kinda sucks to come off but o well. Ill try to be positive. I find such comfort in music I think ill be ok...

I just really wish my friend would talk to me I don't know why she won't but it doesn't make me hate her I just wonder why she feels the need to ignore me after all the things she said . A lot of women I see remind me of her in little ways. I'm kind of infatuated and it is worrysome cause I get in these bad states over women. Girls really, I'm attracted to immature girls who like to toy with guys hearts like mine

Well thanks for your reply. . It was a nice thing to say to someone u don't know

 

[redandgreen]

P.s. It depends on wat the law requires of me schedule wise but in a cpl days I mite be going travellin on the road with my dog and a backpack. I'm gonna go for 2 weeks hitchiking then meet my friend at a music festival. I'd like to stop thinking about my problems. After that I'm starting my band. I have to find a place to live in the city that will let me bring my dog for cheap.

 

[trees_please]

hey man, i can relate to that. i definitely have ideas that are delusional and border on grandiose. as for girls, i have she problem of meeting a girl and then, a) letting past experiences and thoughts consume me, and b) let my relationship with one single girl get in the way of my/dictate my happiness. hope your court goes well and best of luck in pushing through this.