love sublime
Greenlighter
- Joined
- Oct 7, 2008
- Messages
- 6
I feel like I have these feelings to some degree all of the time, but sometimes it gets really bad. Like tonight, I just feel so low and disgusted with myself that I can't even eat sleep or think straight. I really just hate myself. I am a 22 year old girl, still at community college, have a boyfriend my family and some friends thought I broke up with two years ago, have only one real friend that I am sometimes to wrapped up with my own issues to give her the time she deserves. I know these problems all sound like nothing compared to most peoples, but they have been eating away at me for a while and I just feel so sick 
Starting with school. I didn't know what I wanted to do after high school, so I went to community college to take some general classes and figure it out. But I screwed that up because at the time I was lazy, depressed and just wanted to party. So I totally screwed up and started working more but was still going to school. I've been getting good grades but can only take so many classes because of work. I feel like I can never keep up with lots of hours of work plus school like everyone else. What's wrong with me? I just want to do well and succeed like normal people. I was doing great but I feel like I'm slipping again.
Boyfriend. This is the issue that gives me the most stress and misery. Not him, but the situation. We started dating right out of high school and would drink and smoke a lot and things ended up getting kind of bad with fighting and arguing. It was always over stupid things and he would treat me soo badly after a year or two that I just hated myself. He would ignore me and say awful things to me, he even hurt me one time. He would talk to other girls behind my back on facebook or myspace, so stupid and immature but at the same time it really hurt me. It was an awful time, its painful to even look back on that. Not that I was perfect by any means, but I never treated him as badly as he treated me. I wasn't used to being treated like that, I usually have the upper hand in relationships. I'd sometimes talk to other guys almost as a way to make myself feel better and less worthless. I never liked any of them I don't know why I did it. I hate myself for it. Anyway, somehow I got through it all and just when things started to get better I found out he was on some adult dating website and on his page were pictures of him cross dressing.... I know this may sound funny or unbelievable, but sadly its true. His profile said he was "bi" and he was talking to guys on there. I couldn't even believe it, I still can't. We broke up over this, and I told my family and friends what happened. It was a big joke to everyone, obviously there is some humor there, but it really hurt me. I would still just play along with the laughing and joking anyway. Finally we ended up getting back together (I know, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?!). He said it was all just curiosity but who knows. I love him so much and he is the only guy I've been with that doesn't annoy me or make me sick with their personality. We have been back together since then on and off for almost two years now. I am too embarrassed and scared to tell my family. They have already mentioned that I'd be cut off if they found out I was dating him, obviously they would never really do this, but it shows me how against the situation they are. I don't blame them. This secret causes so much stress and hate in my life. But things have been better and I don't want anyone but him. Even my friends only have a vague idea about us. Its awful that I hide him like that, it makes me feel like such a bad person. I know he doesn't deserve that but I don't want to lose him or not have him. I'm so selfish.
I know this is long but I'm almost finished. Tonight I am the most depressed I have ever been, I've never been so disgusted with myself. Last week I pretty much broke up with my boyfriend because he may have been talking to a girl on facebook, AGAIN. So my friend set me up with this guy, we would talk on the phone and text and went out a few times over the course of the week. We never had sex or anything, but we did kiss. Ugh. But he was kind of a creep, I just wasn't that interested and he wanted something serious and I wasn't over my boyfriend. So I just ended things. After a couple days I made up with my boyfriend, I didn't mention this other guy. Things were going so well and I didn't know what to say or how to explain it. I hate that I can't come clean about things, its such a problem! So a couple weeks go by and this guy is STILL texting calling and won't leave me alone. I have just been ignoring it. HOWEVER.... tonight I was working at a bar (i'm a promoter and pass out free shots drinks etc) and my boyfriend and his friends were there. Apparently the guy i went on a few dates with is friends with my boyfriends best friend... AND HE SHOWED UP! Basically it turned into a big mess and lied to my boyfriend and said nothing happened. I know for a fact he'll get over it unless the guy shows him or his friends text messages from me. But what is wrong with me! Why do I lie and do things like this, I wish I was just a different person or I could start over. I'm just so disgusted with myself, please help

Starting with school. I didn't know what I wanted to do after high school, so I went to community college to take some general classes and figure it out. But I screwed that up because at the time I was lazy, depressed and just wanted to party. So I totally screwed up and started working more but was still going to school. I've been getting good grades but can only take so many classes because of work. I feel like I can never keep up with lots of hours of work plus school like everyone else. What's wrong with me? I just want to do well and succeed like normal people. I was doing great but I feel like I'm slipping again.
Boyfriend. This is the issue that gives me the most stress and misery. Not him, but the situation. We started dating right out of high school and would drink and smoke a lot and things ended up getting kind of bad with fighting and arguing. It was always over stupid things and he would treat me soo badly after a year or two that I just hated myself. He would ignore me and say awful things to me, he even hurt me one time. He would talk to other girls behind my back on facebook or myspace, so stupid and immature but at the same time it really hurt me. It was an awful time, its painful to even look back on that. Not that I was perfect by any means, but I never treated him as badly as he treated me. I wasn't used to being treated like that, I usually have the upper hand in relationships. I'd sometimes talk to other guys almost as a way to make myself feel better and less worthless. I never liked any of them I don't know why I did it. I hate myself for it. Anyway, somehow I got through it all and just when things started to get better I found out he was on some adult dating website and on his page were pictures of him cross dressing.... I know this may sound funny or unbelievable, but sadly its true. His profile said he was "bi" and he was talking to guys on there. I couldn't even believe it, I still can't. We broke up over this, and I told my family and friends what happened. It was a big joke to everyone, obviously there is some humor there, but it really hurt me. I would still just play along with the laughing and joking anyway. Finally we ended up getting back together (I know, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?!). He said it was all just curiosity but who knows. I love him so much and he is the only guy I've been with that doesn't annoy me or make me sick with their personality. We have been back together since then on and off for almost two years now. I am too embarrassed and scared to tell my family. They have already mentioned that I'd be cut off if they found out I was dating him, obviously they would never really do this, but it shows me how against the situation they are. I don't blame them. This secret causes so much stress and hate in my life. But things have been better and I don't want anyone but him. Even my friends only have a vague idea about us. Its awful that I hide him like that, it makes me feel like such a bad person. I know he doesn't deserve that but I don't want to lose him or not have him. I'm so selfish.
I know this is long but I'm almost finished. Tonight I am the most depressed I have ever been, I've never been so disgusted with myself. Last week I pretty much broke up with my boyfriend because he may have been talking to a girl on facebook, AGAIN. So my friend set me up with this guy, we would talk on the phone and text and went out a few times over the course of the week. We never had sex or anything, but we did kiss. Ugh. But he was kind of a creep, I just wasn't that interested and he wanted something serious and I wasn't over my boyfriend. So I just ended things. After a couple days I made up with my boyfriend, I didn't mention this other guy. Things were going so well and I didn't know what to say or how to explain it. I hate that I can't come clean about things, its such a problem! So a couple weeks go by and this guy is STILL texting calling and won't leave me alone. I have just been ignoring it. HOWEVER.... tonight I was working at a bar (i'm a promoter and pass out free shots drinks etc) and my boyfriend and his friends were there. Apparently the guy i went on a few dates with is friends with my boyfriends best friend... AND HE SHOWED UP! Basically it turned into a big mess and lied to my boyfriend and said nothing happened. I know for a fact he'll get over it unless the guy shows him or his friends text messages from me. But what is wrong with me! Why do I lie and do things like this, I wish I was just a different person or I could start over. I'm just so disgusted with myself, please help

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