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  • TDS Moderators: AlphaMethylPhenyl | paranoid android

I hate myself :(

L

love sublime

Greenlighter
Joined
Oct 7, 2008
Messages
6
I feel like I have these feelings to some degree all of the time, but sometimes it gets really bad. Like tonight, I just feel so low and disgusted with myself that I can't even eat sleep or think straight. I really just hate myself. I am a 22 year old girl, still at community college, have a boyfriend my family and some friends thought I broke up with two years ago, have only one real friend that I am sometimes to wrapped up with my own issues to give her the time she deserves. I know these problems all sound like nothing compared to most peoples, but they have been eating away at me for a while and I just feel so sick :(

Starting with school. I didn't know what I wanted to do after high school, so I went to community college to take some general classes and figure it out. But I screwed that up because at the time I was lazy, depressed and just wanted to party. So I totally screwed up and started working more but was still going to school. I've been getting good grades but can only take so many classes because of work. I feel like I can never keep up with lots of hours of work plus school like everyone else. What's wrong with me? I just want to do well and succeed like normal people. I was doing great but I feel like I'm slipping again.

Boyfriend. This is the issue that gives me the most stress and misery. Not him, but the situation. We started dating right out of high school and would drink and smoke a lot and things ended up getting kind of bad with fighting and arguing. It was always over stupid things and he would treat me soo badly after a year or two that I just hated myself. He would ignore me and say awful things to me, he even hurt me one time. He would talk to other girls behind my back on facebook or myspace, so stupid and immature but at the same time it really hurt me. It was an awful time, its painful to even look back on that. Not that I was perfect by any means, but I never treated him as badly as he treated me. I wasn't used to being treated like that, I usually have the upper hand in relationships. I'd sometimes talk to other guys almost as a way to make myself feel better and less worthless. I never liked any of them I don't know why I did it. I hate myself for it. Anyway, somehow I got through it all and just when things started to get better I found out he was on some adult dating website and on his page were pictures of him cross dressing.... I know this may sound funny or unbelievable, but sadly its true. His profile said he was "bi" and he was talking to guys on there. I couldn't even believe it, I still can't. We broke up over this, and I told my family and friends what happened. It was a big joke to everyone, obviously there is some humor there, but it really hurt me. I would still just play along with the laughing and joking anyway. Finally we ended up getting back together (I know, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?!). He said it was all just curiosity but who knows. I love him so much and he is the only guy I've been with that doesn't annoy me or make me sick with their personality. We have been back together since then on and off for almost two years now. I am too embarrassed and scared to tell my family. They have already mentioned that I'd be cut off if they found out I was dating him, obviously they would never really do this, but it shows me how against the situation they are. I don't blame them. This secret causes so much stress and hate in my life. But things have been better and I don't want anyone but him. Even my friends only have a vague idea about us. Its awful that I hide him like that, it makes me feel like such a bad person. I know he doesn't deserve that but I don't want to lose him or not have him. I'm so selfish.

I know this is long but I'm almost finished. Tonight I am the most depressed I have ever been, I've never been so disgusted with myself. Last week I pretty much broke up with my boyfriend because he may have been talking to a girl on facebook, AGAIN. So my friend set me up with this guy, we would talk on the phone and text and went out a few times over the course of the week. We never had sex or anything, but we did kiss. Ugh. But he was kind of a creep, I just wasn't that interested and he wanted something serious and I wasn't over my boyfriend. So I just ended things. After a couple days I made up with my boyfriend, I didn't mention this other guy. Things were going so well and I didn't know what to say or how to explain it. I hate that I can't come clean about things, its such a problem! So a couple weeks go by and this guy is STILL texting calling and won't leave me alone. I have just been ignoring it. HOWEVER.... tonight I was working at a bar (i'm a promoter and pass out free shots drinks etc) and my boyfriend and his friends were there. Apparently the guy i went on a few dates with is friends with my boyfriends best friend... AND HE SHOWED UP! Basically it turned into a big mess and lied to my boyfriend and said nothing happened. I know for a fact he'll get over it unless the guy shows him or his friends text messages from me. But what is wrong with me! Why do I lie and do things like this, I wish I was just a different person or I could start over. I'm just so disgusted with myself, please help :(
 
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Its ok. Life is one big learning experience. Everybody makes mistakes, and most of those people repeat them over and over again. I know its very hard not to blame yourself for your past actions and decisions, but in order to be happy again you have to accept the past and realize you are a different person now and that you can decide your own future. Happiness is a choice.

You're stuck. You need to let go of your boyfriend, the relationship is toxic. Your partner should make you happy, make you want to be a better person, support you, and never make you feel uncomfortable or jealous.

I know you know you its the right thing to do. Your family knows its the right thing to do. But your boyfriend treats you like shit, yet you stay with him. Its an addiction. Its only your brain messing with you. In order to cleanse your mind and reset yourself so you are ready to develop into the person you want to be, you must remove all non-essential things from your life that make you unhappy.

So start by telling that loser to get lost and never talk to you again. Its probably going to hurt for a little while, but your family and friends will support you. Soon you will start to feel better and happiness will return. Then you will start meeting cute guys and your brain will really start messing with you again ;) By then your old boyfriend will be a distant faded memory.
 
Are you still around?

Im kind of disappointed that there has only been 1 reply.

Cyc hit the nail on the head with the boyfriend. You probably dont want to hear this at a time when you feel worthless and have low self-esteem but right now this relationship seems to be doing nothing but harm.
Let him go.
Focus on getting yourself in a more content place.

It sounds to me like you've burned yourself out with stress. The stress could be what's causing your depressed thoughts. You are working hard, trying hard in college and you've put too much on your plate during a time when it all seems to build a mountain of pressure that causes you to (wrongfully) despise yourself.

I have been (and still get) in exactly the same situation as you, not even wanting to eat because I feel like such a waste of space and the self-loathing gets ridiculous.

Are you from the US? There is alot of help out there no matter where you're from. Speak to your doctor if you have depression issues.

I personally would recommend at least speaking to your boyfriend (i wouldnt bother with him though - you mentioned that he made you feel worthless. THERE IS NO EXCUSE FOR THAT. You may think that you love him but I suspect it's an emotional security issue where you feel you need someone and yeah, dont deny yourself love but to me it sounds like you need to move on from this guy because if he truly loved/respected you he wouldn't be nasty) about how you feel.
Then cutting your hours at work.
Speak to a doctor about how you feel.

It just sounds like an insurpassable amount of stress completely piling up on you and you shouldnt have to go through that so use the help that is available to you and speak up about it!
 
FU bluelight i just replied to this x(

Sounds like depression.. Get outside, eat healthy and exercise.. lay off the drugs if your on em (cannabis, alcohol, whatever..)..

If you don't feel any better in a month or so you may wanna see a doctor. But please do try the lifestyle change first because A) It's healthy B) It will do you good anyway and C) Doctors will just throw you on the SSRI's (Maybe that's what you need but it's worth trying the other things first)..
 
Definitely go seek professorial counselling - suffering alone is going to make things much much worse - and especially if you have no immediate support group. Most departments of addiction medicine at public hospitals have forensic psych services that can be accessed for free... all the best & chin up :)
 
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if your at college you may have access to free counselling. I recommend you go do this, or if not see a paid professional. It sounds like your depressed.

The boyfriend sounds like a bit of an arsehole, and leaving the relationship might be for the better. Maybe give relationships and guys a miss for a little while whilst you sort through your depression. No point in going straight into another relationship if it is bound not to work out.

the good news is that alot of these depressed thoughts and feelings will go away after you make some life changes and get some help. I went through this too (alot of people do), and there is light at the end of the tunnel.
 
1st off i wanna say keep your head up. 2nd get rid of this guy and start doing healthy things, like eating right,maybe get some tanning sessions or if it's hot where you live start walking/jogging,going to the mall ect....Also i've read some studies that say that people who are depressed or bi-polar are more likely to be promiscuious?.You can prob google study links depression/bi-polar to being promiscuious. I think it may have something to do with your bf treating you bad so you talk to other guys to get attention. also it Sounds like he's got some sexual issues and that's why he is always talkin 2 other ppl. Basically all your problems stem from your bf. Long-term relationships are hard to end but you need to do what's best for YOU. I don't believe in psychiatry so i wouldn't reccomend you get on any ssri's. I read some reports saying that prozac and zoloft's ingredients are made from sodium fluoride. And i know for a fact that sodium fluoride is bad for you, it calcifies your pineal gland, ruins your teeth(fluorosis) ect......basically what i'm sayin is Just start living healthy and see if that changes your mood before you get on ssri's... I hope everything works out 4 you!! peace:)
 
You're being very hard on yourself...you have a lot going on and you are doing the best you can to cope with it. There's no rule book so sometimes decisions are made that are later regretted but that doesn't mean they were bad or wrong.

Relationships are difficult and often end up getting messy. You can ask yourself if this is the type of relationship you want or not, whether it is keeping you stuck or support your own growth.

No regrets, take a deep breath and take it from there :)
 
At 22, you really only coming out into the world and experiencing life as it truly is. The bubble of grade school, junior high and high school is gone, and now youve entered a culture clash that you may not have expected. College is a vast mix of people and ideals that you may have never been exposed to before, even if it is a community college. People young and old, with minds that want to expand are all around you, and yes it is hard to try and work and go to school, but you do the best you can. School is what is going to get you to a better place in life, not some job your working now, and my professors made it very clear to me that whether Im going to my local college, or NYU until its time to start going for Masters and doctorates you get the same education.

With the boyfriend, thats a tough situation. in reality he is still the same guy you love, except now he is curious, I doubt hes bi, if he was he most likely would have went down that road already and figured out if it was for him or not. It is very difficult to get peoples judging eyes away from you because you feel a certain way, and they are stuck in their own worlds. Some people still dont understand that being gay, lesbian, bi, transgenders are not some horrid people like they were portrayed yrs ago, there is a a much greater understanding of this these days, and Im sorry those around you dont understand it. He is the same person you love, he just as confused as you are.

Sublime, I believe you are suffering from major depression, and the only things that will help, are seeking professional help, seeing a therapist at least once a week if not more, you need a psychiatrist because in my opinion I believe you benefit from medication, and you need a psychotherapist so you can sit and talk for an hr. Also, look and see if ther are any groups that meet so you can form a network of support and friends, because this is something that cant be done on its own. You need to be around people that are going through what you are, and not the issues of your boyfriend and school, but this seething disgust for yourself. This is what worries me the most, you are way too young to have this much contempt for yourself, like I said in the beginning you are at an age where we explore everything, eve our sexuality. You have to try and except that this is a part of coming of age. Some people never live there lives and regret it, some people do live their lives and regret it more and that seems to be where you are. I believe you need to find a happy medium in your life to balance all of these things happening at once, and you have to open up and talk to someone.

If you do use, try going to an NA meeting, Sublime if youve never been in those rooms before, people will applaud you for having the courage to speak out, and by doing so, someone in that crowd may be able to relate to you, perhaps try and find a sponsor if psych counseling isnt an option NA is free, and there are millions of recovering addicts who have seen it, heard it or done it. And these people will try and embrace you and lift you out of this cloud of sadness you are trapped in. Im not endorsing NA btw, Im simply giving her an option that could be very beneficial.

Sublime, keep your head up, you arent as bad as you seem to be. I dont know what you use how much you use, or how long you have been using, but its effecting your psyche and you need to get help now hun, before the rabbit hole goes to deep and you cant climb out. Let people in your life, watch and you will see how strangers will see the potential you have, and thats where the spark is lit and you begin to believe yourself.

Please check in with us again and let us know you are ok, and no matter what you think someone is thinking of you right now, someone loves you right now, and your are priceless, let no one take that away from you especially yourself, as we can be our worst enemies.
 
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