Mental Health I Hate My Life and Wish I Was Dead

[Lovecraft]

I just turned 42 and I'm at an all-time low in my life. I've been struggling most of my life to "make it", whatever that may be at the time - as a teenager, having friends and girl-friends; then as an adult trying to figure out what the hell to do to earn a living and make a life for myself. In all of it, I've always been a day late and a dollar short - making mistakes you don't get back and just generally fvcking things up with the choices I make that seem like good ideas at the time.

Here and there, things seemed to be changing for the better and I've had some really good times, where I thought I found "love", "Fulfillment", "joy & peace". But these were always short-lived and the Struggle always came back. Now, I'm in one of the deepest, longest messes that I could ever be in.

It started roughly 2 years ago with the birth of my son, whom, don't get me wrong, my wife and I adore. But bringing a child into our lives upset an already very delicate homeostasis that both she and I had achieved together. We were both barely keeping ourselves and our relationship above water and having a kid put us under for a bit. I ended up losing a great job, among other things, with great benefits because my wife couldn't raise our child all by herself - she had no help from family, even though her mom lived 10 minutes away. So my work eventually got sick of me needing time off.

And ever since then, I've not been able to find any work that offers close to the level of security and stability the last job I had offered, which I was at for 10 years. I didn't realize just how shitty this economy is and how much the employment landscape had changed in all that time. Seems now, companies just look to exploit everyone since they know people are just desperate to get a job.

And just when I finally got back to work making close to what I used to make, and things started leveling out and we were finding our rhythm in this new life as parents to a young child, her parents, who owned the home we were living in, decided to sell our house since we hadn't been able to pay rent for awhile amidst all of the financial turbulence we were experiencing. So it was either move in with them or be on the street. And so here we are, living at my wife's parents' home.

Her mom is a fvcking crazy and mean bitch who has the worst OCD I've ever seen (which doesn't mix well when you live with a toddler). This situation is unlivable and yet, I feel powerless to do anything about it since I don't make enough money to support us all. I feel trapped an I don't see any way out. I don't want to die, because I want to be there for my son, but I can't take it anymore. I feel like such a god damn failure since in the 42 years I've been alive, this is the best I could do. I don't think I've ever felt more hopeless.

 

[AlphaMethylPhenyl]

Hey Lovecraft,

Just a reminder: if you can split your post into paragraphs, you'll have more responses. I'm a moderator, so I don't mind reading the whole thing, which I have .

I'm truly sorry to hear of your situation.

I tend to think it wasn't fair for you to be forced out of your home by your in-laws. It somewhat sounds like your mother in-law wants to control your family, but I may be wrong. At the same time, she takes a hands-off approach when it comes to caring for your son, which strikes me as bizarre. Perhaps sitting down with her and a trusted third person or therapist may be in order. What does your wife think about living with them? That may be a place to start, as two are generally more convincing than one.

Do you see a professional that you can relate your problems to? Perhaps even a good friend? It really helps to get one's problems out in the open. It's unfortunate that we can't help you as much as someone in-person could.

Did your finances allow you to possibly put your son in a day care?

I know your situation can seem hopeless, but the great thing about us humans is that we can adapt very well to changing circumstances. Something to keep in mind is that there are a lot of people who struggle through life. You are far from alone. By this token, group therapy can be very helpful. It may not seem like it now, but it can always get worse.

I can tell that you want the best for your family, and that you give them your best. That's all anyone can ask of you. When things don't turn out well, you may find solace in the fact that you gave it your very best.

We can't control others. We can only control ourselves. Furthermore, not everyone is endowed with the virtue of genuinely listening to other human beings. It's a sad fact.

We live in a society which dictates that if you're not financially well-off, skinny, happy, and possess a conundrum of other attributes, you're doing something wrong, or you're worth less than others. This is not the case. Because of this dynamic, millions or more are forced to view themselves as failures. I believe that one should judge themselves by their own standards. As I said, if you put forth your greatest effort possible, there really is nothing to feel sorry about. But it's a hard idea to ingrain.

Let me know what you think.

 

[Lovecraft]

Thanks for the response. I took your advice regarding my post. Anyhow, to answer your questions, the word bizarre doesn't begin to describe my mother in law's relationship to her daughter and grandson. I can't figure out for the life of me why any mother wouldn't be as present as possible in their grandchild's life. She just didn't want to be bothered, which is ironic because had she helped out when my wife needed her, all alone to care for an infant when I would go to work, she wouldn't have us all living under her roof now and have to deal with a toddler that doesn't give a rat's ass about how clean her floors are.

And my wife feels the same as I do...but we weren't given a choice in the matter. When they decided to sell the house, we begged them not to and offered them all the rent money we could afford. They just seemed like they didn't want to deal with it anymore. Now we're all living together making each other miserable. Don't know how they didn't see that coming but they happen to be some of the stupidest people that walk the planet.

We had a good day care, and then when we moved we had to take my son out of it. So far we haven't found one up to our standards. Day cares are mostly awful places.

Bottom line is that my wife's parents are pretty screwed up people and they basically sabotaged all of us, probably unwittingly because they are too dumb to understand the how their action would affect us. I, however, had a bad feeling about their plans and we tried to talk sense into them. But then they started crying money problems which I can't speak to because I don't know their financial situation. So I had to take it on faith that selling our home was necessary. But we have our doubts.

 

[herbavore]

I think that the sooner you can get out from under the parents the better--it isn't good for your marriage and it is not good for your son to absorb as the model for family relationships, not to mention the stress on the two of you individually. Maybe your wife could get a part time job and you two could rent something really modest? I know it isn't ideal but really it has to be preferable to what you have now. You don't want to sink into depression and self-loathing over this.

Maybe you all could take some parenting classes together and get involved that way with a community of other young parents. That's what I did when I had my first baby. I had no relatives around at all and none of my old friends had babies so I just started fresh. We ended up getting into a babysitting co-op and I even took in one of my friend's children for some extra money when she had to return to work--that helped both of us! The friends we met back then ended up becoming our surrogate family in a way. Our kids are grown now but without those friends I know there are times we would have succumbed to the pressures of being broke and stressed out and taken it out on each other. All parents need support! Our society makes it look like you should just do it all yourself and be in a pink cloud of happiness every minute but anyone who has raised children knows that is bullshit. Being a good parent takes so much diligence and trying to keep a marriage together through it all is hard enough without in-laws that make it crazier.

Just remember that you never need as much as you think you do. We bought everything we own from garage sales and second hand stores over the years (except our couch). I was famous for hauling home chairs from the curb and desks out of dumpsters. My son is 27 now and he still buys that way. I guess I always felt kind of proud of that. Do you live in a really expensive area of the country? If so, would you consider a change? (I don't know what you do for work so this could be hard but maybe it would be easier in the long run.)

Whatever you do, don't try to hold things in. Find time to discuss your feelings with your wife and hear hers. Discuss your options and remind each other every day that the most important thing is creating the family that you want. If you have any good benefits you might consider counseling to deal with the tendency towards depression/depressive thinking. It can really give you some practical tools in just a couple of sessions to use when you start thinking everything is overwhelmingly bleak.

 

[Jabberwocky]

Wish I was dead fml

 

[herbavore]

^It would be better if everything in your life that is causing you misery were dead and you and life started a different relationship. What is making you wish you were dead?

 

[paranoid android]

Man you don't sound any different really then most guys i know who are miserable as fuck because they are chasing what society deems they should have. People think i'm odd because i could give a fuck about any of that stuff though i will admit i can be a hopeless romantic which has led to abit of trouble. Why should you "make it" whatever the fuck that means mind you? If the shit is making you miserable get the fuck out of it as quick as you can. Whatever the repercussions it's better then blowing your head off. Also in the economy we live in job security is all but a dream. I can't even count how many guys i know who have lost everything since oil bottomed out.

 

[joya]

Please do not do this. Respect yourself.