No need to apologize. I'm pretty sure I've been through exactly what you're describing. I kinda developed this obsession with death when I was around 12 years old, in 1999 when a bunch of people were telling me that the world would end with the whole Y2K thing. I started obsessing about it and thinking about death all the time, even afterward, and just began to feel like nothing means anything at all, as everything would end as if it hadn't happened in the first place. It's true that we're all going to die.
But now I think if anything, the fact that life is so short is what part of what gives it meaning. And aside from that, we make our own meaning. Every little thing that you do has an effect on the world around you, and thus the people around you. The way you spend your day tomorrow could have an enormous effect on somebody else's life, and you might never know it. The way you've lived your life has affected people in ways you'll never fully comprehend. And that cycle will carry on long after you've died. Death can be scary and dismal to think about, but it certainly poses no threat to how much meaning your life can have for you and for others. You can't let your obsession with death overcome your passion for life. It really seems like you need to find something your passionate about and invest yourself into it. Make your own meaning in life. That's how I overcame constant nihilistic thoughts and feelings like that. Things like love, friendship, human connection, passion came like a realization that there's more to life than the fact that it's temporary. If anything is scarier than death, it's the possibility of wasting life.