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I hate being stuck on dope and I want to quit but over and over i keep relapsing :(

N

Nightlites

Bluelighter
Joined
Jul 28, 2006
Messages
126
Iv been on H and subs over and over for probly around 7 years.
thid relapse. i was on suboxone for a while and ended up getting really sick and rushed to the ER.
where i was rushed into surgery and the pain was so bad i jumped at the chance to get some pain killers...
well long story short i left the hospital with my script for some painkillers and didnt take my subs for a few days.
fast forward 3 or 4 months and im back to shooting dope again...

I want out. iv lost all that i had worked for being off dope all that time.
and now i want out. i want back on suboxone. expecially it being almost xmas i dont wanna be dope sick xmas morning
or sick at all for that matter.

but ive tried to get on suboxone over and over and i just always break down and end up using
i fucking hate being sick. im very depressed as is so when i get hit with the emotional part of withdrawls i just freak.
last time i made it 36 hrs then doses my bupe. just to make it maybe 6 hours before i was just so tired of feeling like shit
so i ended up copping and getting high ( i told myself it would be just one time but that obviously didnt work)

now 99% of the time ive got on subs iv went to a different town where i have no way to obtain opiates.
thats not an option now... i even tried seeing if i was able to move back there but im just to broke to even afford the way there

methadone is not an option as i have no car and he nearest clinic is more the 40 min drive from here.
i have bupe, tramadol, and xanax to help me out. im doing almost a gram a day of tar as is now :/

this is just so hard. i want out but as soon as i try kicking i just break down. i tried last week and ended up pawning a xmas present i opened just to get well :(

im not really sure what im asking here maybe advice or if yal been in my shoes before what helped you?
i know once i get past those 3 or 4 days adjusting to bupe that i will feel better. but i just havent been able to make it that far
i think i should change my number...
i just know if i kick again tomorow im gunna be sick for xmas. not to mention im all alone for the holidays.
this stuff has made me really suicidal. i just want something i can call a life again. :'(

thanks.

lights
 
Lights you r gonna have to keep fighting it I've relapsed so many times in thr past but I've fought it off. Yes it will help if you change your number if hou need to stay awsy from people who have access to drugs. Uou need to keep in mind that if you continue on this path to addiction your health will suffer so don't wait until this happens.

Happy holidays op.
 
Thank you guys i really appreciate the words. honestly it means so much to me. im so thankful for bluelight and people like
you guys that are there to help me through this
it feels great just to get this shit off my chest.

one really hard part is the fact that i get money put into my account every few days. or everyday.
it depends its just random the amount or the frequency it gets put in there (i sell art and songs and things online so when something sells cash gets direct deposited)
so some days i will wake up assuming to be broke and plan to get on subs, well viola theres a 100$ in my account
so i asap ring the connect n he swings right by my door delivery style....

this all makes it so much tuffer. like previously i was laying in bed sickly, waiting to get sick enough to dose subs feeling like complete shit tho.
when bamm my phone rings "youve got cash!"
i dont know what to do with my money its so hard to keep it and not cop when im feeling so shitty!!
im sure you all can relate.

i wish so much that suboxone wasnt so god damn hard to get onto!
i guess that is my real #1 issue. and question.

IS THERE ANYTHING OR ANY POSSIBLE WAY TO MAKE THE TRANSION TO GETTING OFF DOPE AND ONTO SUBOXONE NOT FEEL LIKE COMPLETE HELL FOR THE 3 OR 4 DAYS ADJUSTING?

i think im gunna start a thread in OD about this topic but pleas if anyone sees this please leave a reply as my thread will probably just disapear into the mega thread like every other sub thread :(
 
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Hi Nightlites, seems you've gone off dope and switched back to subs quite a bit. It feels shittier each time for a lot of people. I didn't like subs because they didn't do anything for me, besides prevent me from being sick. I wasn't ready to quit opiates and when I finally was, I didn't use any maintenance and went cold turkey.

If you're not ready to quit, you have to ask yourself how long do you want to stay on this roller coaster? I don't think the issue is so much how to handle your transition from heroin to subs because you've done this enough times. More like, why do you keep torturing yourself? If you got on subs tomorrow would you be able to stay on them without relapsing? If you can't trust yourself when you have money, is there someone you trust that can hold it for you?
 
Thats a very good point. And as of right now today....
I came to a very good friends house. Half hour away from any hooks.
Did my last bit just a few hours ago... Brought all subs and comfort meds for the switch.
Tommorow I will be giving my money to my gf. If I get any.

And well im giving this mubeverything this time. I AM GOING TO ACCOMPLISH THIS!!!!
Im ready. Im done with that life. And im taking this punk bitch straight fucking head on. wish me luck guys. Il try n post my progress here as much as I can. And oh ya im around friends here who dont use opiates whatsoever. And my gf im staying with is every suportive. Shes been there to witness 70% of previously attempted bouts with me sick trying to induct
 
bupe for me is just a way to make wds easier so i can get high w/o worrying about the ct wds im stuck in this cycle if you want to get clean you gotta cut all that shit out
 
as i understand it,if u keep relapsing u never quit.. only way would be to erase your memory


this is why i tell ppl to not do it even once,becose once u taste that super high,u will allways want to get it more till u die.

truth is,heroin is stronger than willpower of most people


" i jumped at the chance to get some pain killers" "i told myself it would be just one time"

lets face it,what do you think is your chance to say no to heroin everyday?
 
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DOB makes a few good points. You don't seem to want to quit but you're here too, so something's up somewhere be it slapping your own wrists through online confession or truly having that burning desire to quit. The others say, "hang in there" and I hope you do, they're letting you know that they feel what you're going through enough to respond so you know without a doubt you're not alone.

I'm about to post a thread sharing how I've gotten my mind back in order over the last year after 2yrs of IV meth from a G a day 8-12 days a month to 2 balls a day 16-20 days a month, killed some brain cells it did, but physically it has no withdraws aside from sleep and that's a good thing after being up a week or two. Mentally it has the most difficult withdraw symptoms of any other drug out there imo. "Tar," what a name huh? That boy sure likes to smack the shit out of people too. DT's felt like tar was slowly draining out of every bone in my body, tearing through every muscle leaving no nerve untouched, so no position was comfortable and almost nothing stopped it. Seroquel, xanax, and klonopin were my choice for getting through it without having to be awake. Since I'm posting about my recovery and my story I wanted to see if reaching out to someone else would help us both out, so I'm going to send you a friend request and see where this goes.
If you say no or don't respond that's ok, just let me include this in my post for you, think of your life before drugs, to be specific the things you did from day to day that made time pass. Try to remember what you did the week before you first used. Ask yourself what part of the high was able to alter you and then why and how. Idle time is one of your biggest enemies and the one thing you've got to fill or else you'll continue to use, not relapse.
If the DTs aren't life threatening I suggest cold turkey or what I used to make it easier, that way you'll know what your reason for continuing to stay clean will be and what the physical cost of using again will be.
No Suboxone, no Methadone, or else you're still using.



Control what you do, don't let what you do control you,

EcHo =o)
 
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