I hate being sober

I really can't stand being sober. It's the most uncomfortable feeling I can possibly imagine besides opiate withdrawal. It makes me feel way to awake restless anxious angry and depressed. I have really felt this way for as long as a I can remember. Now I have got myself in a fucked up situation where I agreed to go to rehab. I don't want to go to fucking rehab and be sober! If I could just smoke weed there I would be fine. Might be ok if I could eat a handful of benzos everyday there. But sober? Just fucking kill me now! Not to mention the fucking withdrawal I'm gonna be dealing with. Ugh fuck what have I done bluelight? I don't even want to be sober and I'm going to have to listen to a bunch of assholes go on and on about how great it is. They better take my fucking shoelaces away. Talk about being suicidal shit.

All this just too please my fucking parents. Did I mention I'm 25 years old pretty fucking pathetic huh? A grown ass man bending over for his parents because I'm too much of a pussy/fuckup/loser to strike out on my own. God that's sad to write but so fucking true. I wish I had the courage to move to San Francisco and live in golden gate park. I really don't even know what I'm scared of I really don't care if I live or die. I mean I tried to kill myself last week. That's what started this whole fucking mess. What the fuck is wrong with me? Why am I such a pussy?

Instead I'm looking at thirty days of opiate withdrawal sobriety. Fuck my life!

 

WOW ok 30 days is doable... breathe for fucks sake!!! I hear what you are saying. I feel it. Sobriety is fucking harsh. But man 30 days... dig, please don't define your entire life by 30 miserable days. You are awesome for lots of reasons. I read you. That's why I know you will be ok.

 

I know your right. I guess it's just years of pent up frustration with myself making me crazy. I got drunk last night and cut the shit out of my arm for the first time in years. I gotta say it felt really good. I just don't know if I can handle this kick right now mentally. But there's not much I can do either way I'm down to my last 2 doses of suboxone so it's coming one way or the other.

 

I think I understand where your coming from. Life is misery. The more you know, the more aware and sensitive you are, the more it grinds you down. Drugs only help make it less unbearable. I couldn't stand it any more and had to go to the desert. The solitude and the natural beauty, being alone for weeks at a time with only my thoughts is comforting.

 

Crimson, you are equating sobriety as you will experience it in rehab for the next 30 days with sobriety as you choose to define it and live it and let it unfold within you for years to come. There is no comparison. Of course you feel shitty right now. Think of what is going on in your body--your brain has just been thrown into total chaotic confusion. Give yourself a chance to get through the transition, to open to some new possibilities and don't jump to any conclusions in these first few months.