I had an epiphany tonight

[MyDoorsAreOpen]

And not a particularly good one. I got stoned tonight after karate, and for some random reason, thoughts came rushing into my head about times I'd been ripped off or conned. I realized for the first time just how many there were. And for the first time, I realized what they all had in common: Me deliberately not letting it dawn on me that a person was willing and able to lie to me or cheat me straight-faced, and the other person's recognition of this in me, and willingness to take full advantage of it.

I realized tonight that the idea of filtering anything anyone says to me through a filter of 'he might be lying' has always scared the shit out of me. I'm afraid that if I take this protective measure (which a lot of people seem comfortable, or maybe just resigned, to taking) I'll become very cynical, and come to a point where I just don't like people anymore at all. And then what? I've so far made all the decisions of my adult life on the premise that my aim in life is to help and be positive about people. I can't just do an about-face now.

I've taken a lot of risks. I've many times been the fool who rushes in where angels fear to tread, and have so far every time lived to tell the tale. I've justified hanging onto naivete by calling it fearlessness. My dogged willingness to trust that most people have pure intentions most of the time, has brought me some great rewards and opportunities, and won me some amazing personal relationships. But by the same token my unwillingness to be a hardnosed realist, and my (fortunately increasingly infrequent) shows of gullibility, have lost me the respect of many.

How do you do it? How do you keep on believing in the goodness of the world and humanity, without remaining naive or gullible? Because ready or not, it's time for me to grow up. I'm 31. I'm soon going to find myself in a job situation where manipulative people abound, and the stakes for me for distinguishing them from truthtellers are very high.

I want to acknowledge that the world CAN be a dog-eat-dog place, without concluding that it takes a dog-eating dog to survive in it, and reluctantly becoming one.

*sigh* This was a hard post to make, even for someone who's as much an open book as I am.

 

[n3ophy7e]

MDAO, firstly, thanks for sharing your thoughts mate. I appreciate that was a difficult thing to write in a public forum.

It sounds like you're trying to have an all-or-nothing perspective on this matter, when really, there can be a healthy equilibrium between blindly trusting everyone and not trusting anyone ever. And you definitely don't have to make all the changes tomorrow. Things like this take time, sometimes an entire lifetime in fact.

Where there any patterns with the people who have broken your trust in the past? Perhaps some retrospection could help uncover the misjudgements you made, and would help you to change those particular aspects in the future.

 

[MyDoorsAreOpen]

^ Patterns? Yes. Typically the transaction had something to do with either drugs or automobiles.
I've really come to have a prejudice against both drug dealers and mechanics as a result, and really hate dealing with them. I find people in both of these occupations seem predisposed to not have a lot of respect for me, and to size me up as an easy mark.

I've also become a person who has a low outer wall but a very high inner wall, simply because I've opened my heart to so many "friends" who really just wanted to use me for something, including some whom I later found out really found me nigh on intolerable, but hid it well. I attract emotional vampires like a magnet. Again, this problem would be easily solved if I just started assuming everyone who seeks my company has a selfish motive for doing so until proven otherwise. But I don't want the other effects of taking that view.

 

[Listening]

I want to acknowledge that the world CAN be a dog-eat-dog place, without concluding that it takes a dog-eating dog to survive in it, and reluctantly becoming one.

If you keep this thought in mind (along with the rest of your post), then you are halfway there.

Yes, there are a lot of people out there who are not well-meaning and honest like yourself. Don't forget that. But also don't lose the good in yourself by becoming one of them. The fact that there's no easy answer to this problem is just a reflection of how complex the real world is.

How can you trust people that you don't know? Well, you can't... But if you keep that in mind and still give the benefit of the doubt (without ignoring reality), you'll be doing the best you can do. And when you get slapped in the face, do not say, "oh what an idiot I was to have believed." Instead say, "what can I learn from this?" Sounds like that's what brought you here to begin with, so I think you're doing fine.

 

[hyroller]

Yes... this is something I've grappled with many a time

It would be easy to retire and 'if you can't beat 'em, join 'em' re: the asshole league

Rest assured it takes a lot more fortitude of character not to go there... and to keep fighting the good fight, however tedious it may be.

 

[unsettled]

I've been struggling with this exact same issue lately, looking back and realizing how many times I've been taken advantage of, all the times when people got me to work for free by pretending to be my friend. It's a tough world out there and you gotta stand up for yourself and get what you deserve, and hopefully do it without becoming an asshole. I'm going through the same thing and I don't have any answers but it's nice to know I'm not the only one. The hardest part for me is cutting those certain toxic people who take advantage of me out of my life, but I feel the experience makes me stronger. You're not the only one going through this. I also think it's a necessary phase to go through to become a successful human being, so you may want to think of it as a good sign that you're realizing it. Some people live their whole lives as doormats.

 

[Cloudburst]

Just remember, even though I am not religious, I am confident I am God and you are Jesus Christ. Everyone can take their pick of who you are. I assume you are Jesus Christ based on your personality but really we are all one, and that is merely my assumption. It is up to you to decide whether you are God, Jesus Christ, The Holy Spirit, Muhammad, Moses, Zeus, and/or whatever combination you choose. I believe personally I am God, though others have told me I was Jesus Christ and Moses and the Archangel Gabriel.

Really we are all one. :D I don't believe in religion personally but I use those examples to get my point across for the sake of convenience, we are all one and we have tremendous power! Best wishes to you. Epiphanies can be difficult but difficulty always leads to bliss.

 

[RainbowWarrior]

Man to man is so unjust, children:
Ya don't know who to trust.
Your worst enemy could be your best friend,
And your best friend your worst enemy.

Some will eat and drink with you,
Then behind them su-su 'pon you.
Only your friend know your secrets,
So only he could reveal it.
And who the cap fit, let them wear it!
Who the cap fit, let them wear it!
Said ah throw meh corn, me no call no fowl;
Ah saying, "Cook-cook-cook, cluk-cluk-cluk."

Some will hate you, pretend they love you now,
Then behind they try to eliminate you.
But who Jah bless, no one curse;
Thank God, we're past the worst.
Hypocrites and parasites
Will come up and take a bite.
And if your night should turn to day,
Ah lot of people would run away.
And who the cap fit let them wear it!
Who the (cap fit) let them (wear it)!

And then ah-gonna throw me corn,
And then ah-gonna call no fowl,
And then ah-gonna "Cook-cook-cook, cluk-cluk-cluk."
---
/Instrumental break/
---
Some will eat and drink with you,
Then behind them su-su 'pon you, yeah!
And if night should turn to day, now,
Ah lot of people would run away, yeah!
And who the cap fit, let them wear it!
Who the cap fit, let them wear it!
Throw me corn, me no call no fowl;
Ah-saying: "Cook-cook-cook, cluk-cluk-cluk."
... : "Cook-cook-cook, cluk-cluk-cluk."
Throw meh corn (cook-cook-cook);
Me call no fowl (cluk-cluk-cluk)



i think you already know how to handle the situation... other's may think of you as naive but the naive carry a joy that only they see and understand... don't let them get you down!

good vibes