I get nothing back.

[GolemGolem]

I feel for you OP. No answers, but I can relate to being a sober boy for years, but never, ever feeling like a good boy with a realistic future other than losing myself in menial work, pain, and my family being forced to lie that they are proud of me. It sucks.
I still have a future of chronic pain while stacking potatoes for a living, and visiting my dad is a shameful experience for us both that neither of us are allowed to admit to. Despair stays close.
I do however have an awesome wife in Tam, and some dogs that help keep me from going back to the worst of my ways. I actually laugh a bit these days.
I hope things become slightly less shit for you as well.

 

[manboychef]

I am with captain heroin on this. Sid also makes a good point. Introspection is key.

I kind of want to expand on what captain heroin said and ask a question.

How many of us that have been addicted to a substance feel they had a predisposition to become addicts?

I for one know I have a predisposition. It is in my nature because of my mental health issues...I compulsively do things. I also had an addicted parent that actively used when I was young. I grew up thinking that getting high and drunk is what adults do.

This predisposition for me leads me to be totally unable to use just once and stop again. It usually ends in a binge which turns into months of active use. It is a cycle I have seen in myself and other addicts so many times. It happens even if I don't use my DOC. If I drink I drink all the time, if i smoke pot. I smoke everyday. I even realized that I was getting out of hand with the xanax and saw a gradual rise in the amount that I was taking daily so I decided to taper off because I know now what it looks like when its happening.

Another factor is the remorse and guilt for using. If you are an addict you know it for sure.

something for OP to try that has been very helpful for me is to keep a journal. I write everyday in it. I have had journals since I was a kid. Some have been lost to the ages but I still have quite a few of them. It allows me to go back and see patterns in my thinking that are healthy and unhealthy and work on them. If you keep a journal of your thoughts OP for 90 days 15-20mins a day I guarantee you that you will come up with some answers.

 

[Burnt Offerings]

I honestly don't feel guilty or remorseful about the fact that I use. I've never done anything really bad to support my habit(s), though.

It's mostly just environmental for me. If things are going really well in my life and I'm making lots of money and I feel that I'm "self-actualized", I honestly don't feel the need to do drugs at all (well, besides smoke weed). If I feel isolated and friendless and rejected by other people, then I will do as many drugs as I can get my hands on, and watch my troubles vanish into the ether. But that leads into a cycle of self-imposed isolation which can feed into the whole problematic process...reality is always there to welcome you back, unfortunately.

But I could never relate to the whole idea of the call of drugs being an ever-present force in someone's life, that they have to struggle with EVERY DAY. If my life feels exciting & clearly progressing in a direction I want it to, I don't even think about drugs...although I'll reminisce self-deprecatingly about all the meth I used to snort back in the day I don't care, I'll talk about my fuck-ups with just about anyone, I'm not particularly ashamed of what I've done. I've made my own choices and I take full responsibility for them.

 

[Jabberwocky]

The idea that iboga or ibogaine can "rewire" the brain to some pre-addicted state is a myth. It certainly can have an amazingly positive, transformative effect on some people, but the drug or plant alone doesn't remove them from the challenges of recovery. There is no panacea with something this complex, just like there is no magical spell to make everything go one's way in life more broadly - at least, if you think of recovery more in terms of going about living one's life as I do. Psychedelics like DXM or iboga are wonderfully useful tools, but they can only help people so much (or should I say, most people).

 

[Stargazer]

I thought, before I addressed the fact that I'm depressed and have anxiety/panic disorder-that the reason I liked being high is because life sucks. Period. I felt horrible a majority of the time. Living in a state of anxiety felt horrible. Before I started abusing opiates, I was a wreck inside. Then a miraculous discovery came with developing a chronic pain condition- the pain meds-that they also stopped panic/anxiety and depression. Until they ran out and added to it on all different levels...anyway, I don't think it's possible to have a chronic condition, be it mental, emotional or physical and not be depressed. Like Captain H said, many of us are dealing with depression, and many are unaware. I honestly didn't realize I was depressed until I wasn't-at least not as severely as I was before.

Being in a lot of pain a majority of the time tends to bring on all of those feelings by itself. It magnified my other issues. Its so complex when you begin thinking about it more deeply. In the chronic pain program, we were enlightened about things. There really isn't a way to try to be sober without addressing underlying issues...its pointless. How long can someone go on feeling miserable, when they now know there is a substance that gives them relief of that misery and not seeking that relief? When I was placed on a medication that helped with panic and anxiety-that isn't a narcotic, I was able to see things in a more logical manner. It was really difficult to think straight when I was so unnerved.

There's no magical cure. I like the word toothpastedog used- "tools". There are things I've found that can help, but I have to be vigilant about using them. That is a choice. I feel a sense of calm now because I take care of my life and myself. Pre-issue addressing I had no structure, I somehow forgot how to live. The simple things were overwhelming. Having order and structure is a great accomplishment for many of us when we take our lives back. And it sure doesn't happen in a day. It's a little at a time. Like Sid said-having goals. And staying clean is separate...it was a very well said statement..."What do you want to be? Then you have to work on those things, which is a separate mission to the one of staying clean, but together they will delegate who you become..."

I think what I'm trying to say OP is that you sound as if you're depressed and that has to be worked on before anything. I believe most of us relate to what you are saying. It is difficult but possible to feel some hope and not feel that there's nothing good in return for the huge accomplishment of getting and staying clean. It is my hope for all of us.

 

[Soulgasm]

Man I feel the exact same way a lot of the time. I've come to the conclusion that it's virtually impossible to work on those issues that make you tired of life and come to a sustainable solution while dependent upon opioids (or any hard drug for that matter). Give it time and you shall get something back. To quote the Walking Dead (ha!) "I assure you, one of those doors leads out, my friend."

 

[manboychef]

Man I feel the exact same way a lot of the time. I've come to the conclusion that it's virtually impossible to work on those issues that make you tired of life and come to a sustainable solution while dependent upon opioids (or any hard drug for that matter). Give it time and you shall get something back. To quote the Walking Dead (ha!) "I assure you, one of those doors leads out, my friend."

I am a huge morgan fan. That is an awesome analogy for this thread.

 

[nygiants1313]

I don't want people to think addiction can be cured. This leads the user to think "oh, cool, I just need to jump through hoops A through C... and then I can use again!" - If you really want to use again that badly, to be able to enjoy the drug without addiction, then you're still addicted. - I say this because many of us who get clean think "Oh, maybe I can use again!" - NO, this is a BAD IDEA. If you were able to use once and not get addicted, you wouldn't have gotten addicted in the first place. Am I wrong? Did any of us WANT to become drug addicts, and made strives to become addicts? No. No one thinks "I want to grow up and be a heroin addict".

A non-addicted person doesn't desire drugs in this way. They already feel good sober.

I think a critical problem with myself is depression. This likely isn't just me here; many of us suffer from depression.

Because of this, we can't be non-addicts. "Normies" is the colloquial term to refer to someone who has never had a drug problem.

Chris Corner once wrote in one of his songs, "desire is a gift in life". It's a gift where too much of a good thing becomes a bad thing.

Just some food for thought.

I enjoy reading your passionate posts captain. Because i know such as myself when you capitalize a word your really into it thinking like your yelling at the screen lol

Have a good day

 

[manboychef]

^^^exactly how I feel.