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LSDMDMA&AMP

LSDMDMA&AMP

Bluelighter
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Feb 6, 2010
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I used to shoot heroin a lot. Shit went down, i went downhill, all that. I stopped using more than a year ago and i only had one short relapse, about 4 days long, back in june before i got help and got back on track.
I used to go to NA every day, i had a sponsor, i had a homegroup, everyone told me i was doing so well but things didnt get any better for me. I just had money now, like i didnt feel any better, the only thing that changed by me cleaning up was just having money, with nothing i could spend it on. I cant drive, i dont have friends, nothing. No real support. I feel like I am completely missing out on life again. Thats why i started using heroin in the first place, because i felt trapped, isolated, and alone. I feel like recovery hasnt helped me at all. All my issues i still have, i am just not on drugs. In treatment they say if you stop using things get so much better. I dont feel that way. Things havent gotten any better for me since i stopped. I feel so trapped because i know that using wont fix it either, and ill get in trouble if i use, but i dont see any way out.
I dont want to use but life for me is boring, lonesome, and extremely isolated. I feel like i get nothing back from not using. Rehab never helped me with my real problems. The nights are hard. I am so alone and all that, and its killing me. I see people in active addiction who have more fulfilling lives than i do. Who have all the things i dont have.
I am so tired of this. I am tired of life.
I feel like treatment lied to me. I feel like i will never get to be happy, to have friends, relationships, be able to go out and have fun. I dont even know what i like to do for fun. I dont have any interests because i have no way of going anywhere and doing anything for fun.
To me i feel like my "recovery" has been a lie. Noone considers anything other than my addiction about me. It didnt matter that i was sad, alone, and without anything to do, all that mattered was that i wasnt using and so i had to hear about how great things were going because i wasnt using. Then, people tell me to go on antidepressants, because i am depressed. I refuse to take antidepressants. Life is so empty and im back to the way i used to be, hoping and dreaming that "next year" things were going to change and i would get to be happy and have a life like normal people do. But next year never came. I dont think its going to come ever.
I feel so demoralized. Noone cares about how i am doing other than me being clean.
Life for me has been one big letdown. Watching the world go by. Seeing other people out doing the things id like to do but cant (not drugs) makes me feel so bad. They say its easier to get a job once you have a job. Well i am sure its easier to make friends when youve already got friends. I dont.
When am i supposed to "recover" from hopelessness, when i did what they told me at treatment to do, and it didnt help me at all.
 
Have you tried therapy?

You need to discover the roots of your use, what happened during your childhood? Any traumatic events? Do you suffer from depression or other mental health disorders? You have to get these addressed to recover.
 
Recovery is supposedly hard as fuk. Recovery doesnt stop just because your not using. It sounds like your trying to rationalize going back to the drugs. Thats addiction man. Its a bitch, and a struggle. But trust that not being in active addiction is a massive accomplishment that i gurantee so many on this site wish they could achieve. Start thinking posotive. You are clean, safe, have a nice bed to sleep in, and food with some money. In all reality many would give up an arm to say they have that.

And im not saying "dont be sad because others are starving in the world" type shit im just saying to stay positive. Im sure this "unfulfilled life" is what led you to using or something of the works. And instead of figuring out your issues you went to drugs. So now this time around you gott do something different.

Im sorry if i missed it. You dont work? Do you have family? How old are you? What do you want out of life, and how can you go about achieving such desires?

Its time to look HARD at yourself, dig deep once again, plan something out, and get going. I know its a brutal road, and its not easy, but you gotta keep truckin because what else is there? You cant go back to the old life.

Oh and stop comparing your life to others. Recovery is life long.

Do you have a gym near you? How were you getting to meetings with no transportation?

Im about to get clean (no subs) after after 7 years at age 26. And im scared man i really am. I feel whats the point? Im scared ill be at thst hopeless mark in a year like you if i make it that long. I wish i had the answers. I wish you best.
 
You where probably using drugs to self medicate away the feelings and problems you are now experiencing. So its not surprising that you feel like shit now that your not using drugs anymore since that coping method is gone. Not only that but your identity and friendships where also wrapped up in drugs so that part of your life is gone as well. I would say feeling lonely and pissed off about it is a fair reaction. Now you have to figure out how to control those feelings in a new way.

Getting a hobby you enjoy is a good way to kill 2 of those birds with one stone. It gives you a fun activity to occupy your time and also is a way to meet people you have common interest with. The problem is if your like me and started using drugs as a teenager you might not have had a hobby in a long time. I am finding I have no clue what I am interested in as hobbies or activities outside of getting high. My solution is too just start trying shit out. Last week I went and raced adult go karts that went like 50 miles an hour. It was kinda fun but I probably wont do it again. So one thing down for me 60 billion to go you know? Now I know money can be an issue in what you can do but if you take even half of what you where spending on your addiction and use it for trying to have sober fun I bet you can find something!

I know where your coming from on refusing to take anti-depressants. I wont try to talk you out of it but if you have a chemical imbalance in your brain this will be an uphill battle. Getting lots of exercise and eating right will be your best non pharmaceutical weapon against that feeling of utter despair. You can do this! You have already come really far even if it doesn't feel like it right now.
 
I really sympathize OP, a lot of what you wrote really struck a cord. "Recovery" (air quotes) for me has little to do with whether or not I'm using drugs. It's much, much more about the quality of my life. The behavior, isolation and depression that eventually accompanied using as necessitated by the double life stuff I used to live is more what I'm concerned with. I would be difficult, to say the least, for me to address that without being able to find more stability than using opioids willy nilly alone. The biggest shift for me has been to, a lame as this is, move in a direction where my "dreams" were more in line with who I was. That does not sounds right at all, it is really about having realistic expectations, nothing Orwellian.

I'm honestly not sure what I can say. Finding (the harder part) and immersing myself in activities and hobbies that I can get really into, am really passionate about (at least as passionate about as get high, just without the instant reward part) and challenging myself in a gentle kind of way has be immensely helpful. It's allowed me to connect with new people who, generally speaking, are going to have a more positive impact on my life than the folks I spent my time with in acquiring my stash or copping.

A big part of my discoveries have been the realization ("acceptance...") that I do love drugs. They fascinate me, and i treasure my relationship with them. Denying that really kept me from moving on from harmful patterns of drug use and getting focused on things other than drugs.

It isn't funny, but the thing is that, while you spent a year clean and all you felt improved was that you made money (and, well, lets say potentially bad things like you getting locked up also didn't happen - in other words, other good things happened, even if they don't make you feel good), I've spent quite a while now not making any (significant) money in order to focus on I guess self exploration or some bullshit.

I wish I had more in the bank, but I'm also glad about where I am relative to me. Where I was.

Did you enjoy anything a lot before/while you were using? School, sports, music, anything you spent a lot of time doing every week and found it highly rewarding looking back? Or anything you found serious pleasure and interest in? If you can identify something, ease yourself back into it sooner than later. It's so easy to put that kinda thing off.

It's amazing how much "better we get" when we become more genuine or authentic with ourselves, whether that means identifying as an addict, taking classes, making art, literally whatever and whomever. Not an easy task when you've been kidding yourself like I had been that my life wasn't going in the wrong direction and I was happy with what I was doing. I was miserable...

What do you call it when having the insight that you place large value on your relationship with drugs, which leads to you spending less time or energy on them?

This is getting old fast, I'd like to point out that what others have told me to do regarding all this stuff very rarely works. Get clean, you must do X Y and Z. Then A B C. Well, fuck man, that didn't help at all. Since I kept trying different shit I eventually discovered V and K work, and P, S and E, and maybe even P, A, A, E, Y, and D sometimes! :) This stuff is all so personal, it's difficult to get good advice in treatment that really sustains you, short of a reintroduction, perhaps, in not using everyday.
 
You should draw a little from what everyone is saying here...

Toothpaste dog's post struck a real chord with me. It took me four years of trying different things to get lasting sobriety. I had sponsors that told me what to do..addiction counselors that told me what to do...friends in recovery that told me what to do...but what it all came down to for me was discovering who the hell I am without drugs. I figured out that I love gardening...it is a very good allegory for my recovery. The stronger I am the more my garden flourishes. If I go back to using, I know I will let my garden wither and fall into disrepair.

I started early. I used for more than half my life. I lost all sight of who I was, what enjoyment was, and how to feel real emotions. Yes I had times that I didn't use my DOC or use in an abusive manner, but those rarely lasted long. When I finally figured out what worked I stuck to it. I didn't feel joy for the four years that I was trying different things. I really only struggled, and I had similar feelings to you..."everyone else looks happy, why can't I". I wasn't using, which everyone was telling me my using was the problem...when in reality my inability to cope, and my desire to never feel uncomfortable was the problem. Like CrimsonJunk said...as addicts that is pretty much our go to coping mechanism. In early recovery I had to keep telling myself...okay I'm in a problem here, but I am going to wait an hour to use....and if that hour passed and I didn't use, I would say it again. I have just over a year cleantime and I still get caught up in my own head about feelings and comparisons but now I have tools...I can't do it without medication, and therapy. As captain heroin said, you may have a problem you have been self medicating. I sure as hell know I was.

Enough about that.

I will give you some practical advice. Find joy everywhere. I plant flowers and I grow vegetables. It is hard work and makes me physically exhausted very quickly (thanks hep c) but I find joy in the little things. Today I saw a little snail crawling on the leaf of a plant I was pruning. It made me so happy just to sit and watch him leave his little trail, and I took a break and wondered where he was going, and if he could make it there fast enough. Right now, I am making soup out of vegetables I grew, and fresh herbs that I have flourishing in my garden. It gave me tremendous joy to know that I am making this for my family and that they may or may not enjoy it. I examine each step in the process...clean the vegetables, peel the vegetables, chop the vegetables...sautee the vegetables and then deg-lace with white wine....each step I look deeply into it and I am amazed that I can do this. When I was using I barely ate, let alone did anything productive for anyone.

Hey sorry for the rambling post....just find your joy. If you want friends, reach out to people. If you feel isolated go exploring. If you feel disillusioned then find some magic and make it.
 
Your gardening store (including the conclusion of cooking) is really good chef. It made me think of the Thich Nhat Hanh story, Bathing a Newborn Buddha:

To my mind, the idea that doing the dishes is unpleasant can occur only when you are not doing them. Once you are standing in front of the sink with your sleeves rolled up and your hands in warm water, it really is not so bad. I enjoy taking my time with each dish, being fully aware of the dish, the water, and each movement of my hands. I know that if I hurry in order to go and have a cup of tea, the time will be unpleasant and not worth living. That would be a pity, for each minute, each second of life is a miracle. The dishes themselves and the fact that I am here washing them are miracles! Each bowl I wash, each poem I compose, each time I invite a bell to sound is a miracle, each has exactly the same value. One day, while washing a bowl, I felt that my movements were as sacred and respectful as bathing a newborn Buddha. If he were to read this, that newborn Buddha would certainly be happy for me, and not at all insulted at being compared with a bowl.

Each thought, each action in the sunlight of awareness becomes sacred. In this light, no boundary exists between the sacred and the profane. I must confess it takes me a bit longer to do the dishes, but I live fully in every moment, and I am happy. Washing the dishes is at the same time a means and an end that is, not only do we do the dishes in order to have clean dishes, we also do the dishes just to do the dishes, to live fully in each moment while washing them.

If I am incapable of washing dishes joyfully, if I want to finish them quickly so I can go and have a cup of tea, I will be equally incapable of drinking the tea joyfully. With the cup in my hands I will be thinking about what to do next, and the fragrance and the flavor of the tea, together with the pleasure of drinking it, will be lost. I will always be dragged into the future, never able to live in the present moment.
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I drew a lot out of that toothpastedog.

Enjoy what you do, and the act of doing them...don't rush and think of the future because it only makes you anxious for the next thing. To truly enjoy life...you gotta slow down and learn to look at each thing for what it is, and then live in that moment each time.
 
Amazing thread. OP, I hear you loud and clear. I learned that addicts are the minority. Whaaaattt?! I don't understand how others don't want to be high. Obviously that's part of addiction...and it is a mf'r of thing.

I have been clean a few months over a year myself. I had to have the underlying shit addressed. And, through no choice of my own, I did. By getting locked up, then being court-ordered upon release to a chronic pain program. On top of traumatic experiences, I have had anxiety/panic disorder my whole life...which I though was "normal"-like everyone felt that way. I learned differently....thank God.

I get what you're feeling. At the present time I'm feeling similar. Like "great so Ive be clean for over a year....and??" So I reached out to friends and it didn't really make me feel any better. I'm riding it out...with great difficulty. I did mass destruction to my life from a relapse (IV heroin) that turned into just about a year long run.

It sounds like going to a Dr may help...by explaining the hopelessness you're feeling, etc. maybe you could work together on figuring things out. And, be proud, no matter how difficult it is, that you are clean. We both know that's huge...it's so hard to stop. I'm wishing you the best.
 
I think you may be expecting things to come too fast. And too naturally. It takes more time than a few months to be cured. And to have all the things you wish for, friends, a car or whatever else; you have to work for each individual thing you want. Getting sober just allows you to work towards them.
 
Captain.Heroin said:
Addiction can go into remission; but there is no cure.
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This is indeed extremely poignant. After a year and some change I still get the taste in my throat sometimes...be good my friend. It gets better. Even against extreme odds you will never know just how strong you can be unless you try.
 
I'm not sure if this is the absolute truth. Addiction can heal. We have things like Ibogaine that are capable of actually re-wiring your brain to a pre- or post-addictive state, depending on how one wants to declare it.
 
I've felt that the idea there is no "cure" for addiction to be often used polemically. I understand what is mean, and there are many, many analogies between addiction as a chronic disease and, say, diabetes as a chronic disease. But only so many. In any case, it is entirely possible for many, many (if not the vast majority) of people who have experienced "addiction" and problematic patterns of drug use to move beyond addiction, to heal as you say dopamimetic. Heal is a very good work in this case. Perhaps it can never be cured in the sense that, not only can it come back with a return to old types of habits, addiction is something that has the kind of impact which we don't have the luxury of just forgetting about.
 
I think the comparison to diabetes is pretty dumb. I'm a type 1 diabetic and there was absolutely no element of personal choice in that whatsoever for me. I'm sorry but I can't just divorce the element of personal choice out of the entire addiction equation, unless the addict was forcibly addicted or something.
 
Another good thing to know, is if you want something back you need goals.

What do you actually want to do? Who do you want to be? Then you have to work on those things, which is a seperate mission to the one of staying clean, but together they will delegate who you become and your ultimate happiness.
 
I don't want people to think addiction can be cured. This leads the user to think "oh, cool, I just need to jump through hoops A through C... and then I can use again!" - If you really want to use again that badly, to be able to enjoy the drug without addiction, then you're still addicted. - I say this because many of us who get clean think "Oh, maybe I can use again!" - NO, this is a BAD IDEA. If you were able to use once and not get addicted, you wouldn't have gotten addicted in the first place. Am I wrong? Did any of us WANT to become drug addicts, and made strives to become addicts? No. No one thinks "I want to grow up and be a heroin addict".

A non-addicted person doesn't desire drugs in this way. They already feel good sober.

I think a critical problem with myself is depression. This likely isn't just me here; many of us suffer from depression.

Because of this, we can't be non-addicts. "Normies" is the colloquial term to refer to someone who has never had a drug problem.

Chris Corner once wrote in one of his songs, "desire is a gift in life". It's a gift where too much of a good thing becomes a bad thing.

Just some food for thought. <3
 
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