TDS I fucking hate myself and i wanna die.

[smokemctoke420]

I dont even know where to start. opiate addiction has taken a mean toll on my mental health, especially in the last 2 years. ill be 24 next month and ive had this demon for the last 7 years. i started off with the normal opiates after my mom broke her leg and got oxycodone and left them on the table and i, being the asshole i am, decided to try some. since then ive done vics and percs, then roxies then 2 years ago i insufflated herion for the first time while extremly drunk. That feeling of fullness is exactly what has taken me downhill to where i am today.

I first tried dope april of 2011 and didnt do it again till that next winter when i had a weekend blackout at my job of 5 years that involved last of kpins, bars, roxis, and dope. i got fired for leaving multiple times and then foging my time card to make it look like i was there the whole night. i spent the winter with no job and then i got a job where my dad works at a golf course for the last 9 years. i loved it, and still do. so last summer i meant a few connects, including ones at my job. since then i have not saved a single penny or once i have i w/d it and spend it. i spent all my winter unemployment on pills and then when i started working back to the course this march i met someone that had dope connects and i was doing dope all the time along with oxys. i now have 2 jobs working a comnbined 70 hours a week. ive made a good amount of money in the last 4 months and have nothing to show for it. im almost 24, still live with my parents and grandma, i have no car, still havent gotten my license back from a 2008 dui charge, have no money. all i have to look forward is to doing drugs. thats it.

the day after july 4th my coworker at my second job (the one i blacked out at, they asked me back for part time help) who ive known and has been a good friend since i was a freshman in high school asked me if i was snorting pills again. i lied but the next day i confessed. had like 6 days with no dope or anything but i was still getting high on suboxone all of those days while telling them that i was using it to curb cravings for a month and am gonna jump off.

well, a few days ago i woke up and felt depressed, and had a lot of anxiety. i told my mom how ive been fucking up lately. i went to an aa meetin that day and thats the only one ive been to. i can never keep clean, its all i think about. at work, at home, when i get paid. drugs is all i think about, especially dope and oxy. ive withdrawed a few times lately to. i used to have a toleramce of 20 mgs of oxy all the way up until about a month ago when i went on a binge of 10 bags a day for about 8 days. blew alot of money. when i was done i was withdrawing and got some subs and was alright. then decided to fuck myself again and started doing oxy and 6 days on subs. only waited 1 day and just broke through cuz i only consumed 24mgs over about 4 days.

im not gonna go into much more cuz im tired of typing, my ankles hurt, and i wanna crawl back into bed. all i know is that lately ive been waking up depressed and wishing death on myself whether its been a car accident or i get hit by lighting, whichever, i personally dont care. I hate myself and everything ive become with every fucking fiber of my being. i wish i wasnt such a fucking pussy or i would just end it now. imma fucking 23 (almost 24) year old piece of shit that lives with his fucking mom and has no money, no car, or anything. whats the fucking point?

 

[AstrangeBrew]

you sound like everyone of my friends, although a lot of them are in prison/jail now, so you got that goin for ya. but its hard to change your life and get clean. I've talked a big gamd of getting clean for 3 months now, used everydayfor 3 yrs and I have subs but everyday I get $ its off to the races. but the point is your not a loser, its a hard spot to be in. no one wants to be an addict it sucks, so cut yourself some slack. if you hate your predicament enough change it, I am tryin anyway. 2 days clean, worried for tomorrow when me n my bf get paid

 

[highhooked]

all I can say is I feel you man. opiates are fucking killing me slowly.

 

[thedawn]

there is so much life after heroin and OC's.
they say you shouldn't kill yourself until you've been off heroin
for two years because you'll be killing the wrong person.
you are an addict right now and not in your right mind.
don't fucking kill yourself.
your real self will regret it.

 

[shampoo]

Hey man. I've been battling with OC and heroin addiction too recently, and I don't think I have it as bad as you right now, but I really feel for the predicament you're in. It's fucking confusing and might seem impossible sometimes, but I think it's worth it. At least keep trying. See that you are worth something as a person, whether or not you are doing dope. I care about you and it seems like a lot of other people on here care about you too.

I agree with what thedawn said. Killing yourself is no way to deal with any of the pain you're going through... I don't think even with the death of your body that you would escape the mental and emotional suffering you're going through (and I say that as a completely non-religious person, simply from personal experience/observation).

You can either keep numbing yourself or face it head on and begin to feel better. There's just no easy escape... we thought heroin would be an easy escape, but we ended up way more miserable than we were in the first place. Keep us posted on how you feel. It fuckin sucks I know, but it helps to vent about it with people who understand. Hang in there, it can't get much worse.

 

[F1n1shed]

Dude at least you have a job.
I am the same age, have only worked 1 full year of my life. I always get anxious about every place to work, i am picky as hell. I know once i start working i'll feel comfortable and stuff. But it's getting the job that is making me nervous, and i hate applying places and not getting called back ever.
I feel like a useless shit , at parents house, still an addict, no drive for anything in life. And still no fucking job.

 

[88ed3]

...let me just say,that Demon is going to work your ass and try to fuck you over like crazy.DONT be weak,thatll lead to your death.Be positive and do the most you can with what you do have...LIFE!All you gotta do is keep that brain(if you have anything inside,jk,im an addict also)active.I am like you also my friend.All I think about is drugs.If its apparent that it hasnt been working out for you with what you are consuming,consider tapering off,that is cuz of Opiates...fuck W/D!YOULL B AIGHT

 

[mrflowers00]

you'll feel a lot better if you accept yourself for who you are once you do that then work on getting off dope really push yourself to stick with the bupe for like a month to get through the oxy/heroin wds because those are going to be much more intense than bupe wds will be and bupe wds should be that bad after only a month on them as long as your not taking more than 12mg a day and the fist 20days take as much as it takes to feel better but the last 10 days start a taper to make jumping off a bit easier

 

[twotoomany]

You got this, man. Don't get too down on your self. We all make mistakes, and get caught up. The important thing is catching your mistakes before they completely destroy you. There's still time, bro. You haven't really ruined anything yet. You're ready to quit. You can do it. I know ya can. Feel free to hit me up anytime you need to talk or anything man!

 

[Beachcat]

You know, as I read this, I was reminded of where I was a year and a half ago...I was so depressed, felt eaten up by constant pain and my physical dependence on opiates. I thought I would never feel better, I thought it was hopeless.

It took my doctor who prescribed it dropping me, and my back doctor giving me some real talk to make me see the light. It was HELL for four months just getting off the drugs, then he'll for many months after with paws, etc.

It sucked, it was hard work, I didn't really even want to do it, I just wanted my drugs back.

Now...well. If someone had typed what I am going to say now to me back then, I would have thought, "get the fuck outta here with that shit" but now I know that it is true, so I am going to say it anyway...

The power to make a change lies inside you. There is nothing that anyone can say or do to make you change your life. It is not easy, it is hard and painful. But, the mind is very powerful, and you can do it.

I know that you feel trapped by your circumstances, I can tell by reading your post. I think you have to really decide that you want something different, then go for it.

I tell you, it has taken almost a year for my brain chemistry to return to normal, but now that it has, I feel fantastic. I don't feel stuck anymore. I broke my foot a couple of weeks ago, and I let them prescribe me only 10 5 mg Vicodin to get through the first day.

In my old days, the minimum dose I would take would be 60mgs of oxy, usually 90 or 120. I almost fell out when I realized that now I can take one Vicodin and have it actually work and provide pain relief. That bottle of ten pills lasted me four days...unheard of. Before, I would have CWE 'd all ten, and still not felt a thing...

My point being, you can do it. You can get there. It will be hard and painful, but man, you are way too young to be thinking the way that you are thinking. Why would you want to end your life when it hasn't really even started yet?

 

[PortalFloyd]

Almost 3 years ago I had no money, no car, shooting up everyday...My life depended on drugs everyday. So I know well about the clockwork of addiction. It's just a continuous depressive cycle.

I went from the above to the methadone clinic for two years to now here having left the clinic. I would look into bupe instead of methadone though long term for your opiate addiction.

I wish I could be of more help, but I feel for you and I've been there.

 

[Fotze]

From what I know about opiates, it leaves you feeling high and dry for quite some time after quitting. But after several months, people start to feel better. It just gets better from there, and quite often with more than 6 months up, combined with regular exercise, you can start to get regular natural opiates flowing through the brain again

 

[HCandKROD]

Dude, you don't wanna die. I'm 50 years old and have lived through barbiturate, benzodiazapine (wanted to die), alcohol addiction but I'm still standing. I'll fucking admit each one of these I did wanna off myself. But I didn't!!! In the fall of 2005 I found Roxi 30mg. Holy Shit!!!! I thought I was the only person on earth to find Nirvana!! I gave up alcohol, benzos etc. cause I found it. After a couple years the Oxy tapered off so I went the 10 miles to Miami and found dope. After a couple years of Oxy and dope I felt like shit about myself (you know what I mean). I decided to quit and I mean c/t!!! It sucked really bad!!! I've been clean a little over 2 years now and yeah there are a few days I don't wanna go on but, you know what? If I didn't keep on I wouldn't know what the good days feel like. And they are pretty cool. Hang in there. OK?

 

[smokemctoke420]

its crazy looking at this now. Ive overdosed 6X in 9 months since then. I had 4 months clean from 7/14-12/14 and relapsed then OD'ed 6X between 1/15-10/15 and tried to kill my self with a fat shot and 20 xanax bars. times have definetly gotten worse since then. My mental health is still fucked up and im trying to get it straight but on the upside i will have 1 year clean on 11/17/16. no weed, nothing. Shits crazy

 

[P0kemama]

its crazy looking at this now. Ive overdosed 6X in 9 months since then. I had 4 months clean from 7/14-12/14 and relapsed then OD'ed 6X between 1/15-10/15 and tried to kill my self with a fat shot and 20 xanax bars. times have definetly gotten worse since then. My mental health is still fucked up and im trying to get it straight but on the upside i will have 1 year clean on 11/17/16. no weed, nothing. Shits crazy

Smokem: Thank you for taking the time to come back to BL and give us an update on how you are doing. You are a miracle!! Congratulations on getting clean... almost a year you say??? That is awesome!!

 

[Moreaux]

its crazy looking at this now. Ive overdosed 6X in 9 months since then. I had 4 months clean from 7/14-12/14 and relapsed then OD'ed 6X between 1/15-10/15 and tried to kill my self with a fat shot and 20 xanax bars. times have definetly gotten worse since then. My mental health is still fucked up and im trying to get it straight but on the upside i will have 1 year clean on 11/17/16. no weed, nothing. Shits crazy

Congratulations on your year!!! How were you able to stop? What's going on with your mental health - you say you still have some issues...

 

[smokemctoke420]

Yeah, i still have issues. Im still depressed and sometimes have suicidal thoughts. I just did a week inpatient for it but im feeling a little better right now. I just had to get some meds tweaked. Financial things and shit depresses me, among school, which is thankfully done in 2 weeks. Ill be ok though.

I did it by finally going to detox and then i went to a rehab for almost 6 months that was a "theraputic community" but it is by far the best one ive ever been to. I got alot out of it plus wanting to be clean helps. Oh and what lead me to rehab was trying to OD with a fat shot and 20 xanax bars but my sister somehow found me and i got 3 wacks of narcan and CPR. So yeah, i did this place called "gateway" which is in delaware. They also have one in chicago and i think new jersey. Ive been in a halfway house since i got out in may. Shit has not been easy at all but im holding on, sometimes by a thread.

 

[herbavore]

Shit has not been easy at all but im holding on, sometimes by a thread.

Well, you can use this "thread" to hang onto for extra support when you feel vulnerable. Glad to see you back and to hear how much strength you have developed. Wow.

 

[smokemctoke420]

Thank you Herb.

 

[endlessnameless]

you sound like everyone of my friends, although a lot of them are in prison/jail now, so you got that goin for ya. but its hard to change your life and get clean. I've talked a big gamd of getting clean for 3 months now, used everydayfor 3 yrs and I have subs but everyday I get $ its off to the races. but the point is your not a loser, its a hard spot to be in. no one wants to be an addict it sucks, so cut yourself some slack. if you hate your predicament enough change it, I am tryin anyway. 2 days clean, worried for tomorrow when me n my bf get paid

2nd day too, though my binge was only for about a week, before which I was sober for almost two and felt over the moon. I feel you on the fear of caving on payday - mines in two days also on this Monday due.

What I usually do is rush into town and spend whatever I have left after rent (and sleeping aids) on new outfits/shoes etc. Then at least I look sharp and feel better about myself.

Alprazolam is really helping to take the edge off the insomnia, depression and anxiety (i dont take it enough to get addicted, usually only for the first 7-10 days) as those three are my main triggers.

Going to stick to the sleeping/anxiety meds this week and purchase some nice tailored clothes.

Next week, a second hand laptop -- by which point ill be back to full form and off the alprazolam too.

SO fucking blessed my benzo connect knows I *always* pay my debts and lays/subs me as many as I want until payday. Theyre not a cure all and i still get the hot/cold chills but showers curtail that aspect greatly and sudofed comepletely rids the runny nose/sneezing (and to an extent the watery eyes).

Feeling positive for now. Hope you're doung good. Fucking keep at it - anywhere between the 10th and 14th day os always when the nagic moment occurs for me.

How are you today?

EDIT: OP I had a message typed for you that got deleted; its 05:20am here and Im falling asleep vut I'll return later with some advice for you. Good advice that may change your petspective. Ive been where you are and come out the otherside and I have some choice words specifically for you. Please hang in there friend and feel free to message me if you need someone to talk to ok? When I say I care I very much mean it. Will post again after a little nap (bet I wont sleep now the moment my head hits the pillow/FML).