suffocating sky
Bluelighter
well guys, its nice to be back around. i finally remembered my username and password for the site. last time posting on here i was in a pretty bad place in my head. things have since changed, i have a fiance, i no longer live in florida, i gave up my apartment and my ec to go traveling, got styck in south carolina for awhile, went to jail for a month in less than 24 hours after i left hell (florida.) i traveled around the country with some people i consider family, turned into an alcoholic for a bit,(shakes and seizures) got a beautiful 3/4 pit bull, 1/4 mountain curr puppy, who will be turning 2 years old in a few days on the 29. from the time my dog was born in texas, to december 1 of the following year i had taken her to and through 39 states. noit bad for a year and 2 days, eh? i went to Fla again the following february for a gathering, and it was there that i met my fiance. we did out own thing, being poor homeless young adults, living out of our car and tent in motels, walmart parking lots, and nation and state parks. we used to drink a lot of vodka everyday. i have some good friends in california that are partaking in the green rush and we went to work for them. we had intentions of making enough money and getting out lives together. well, first my fiance fell on her head, ended up with a subderal hematoma, for which she had to have surgery for and have a plate in her head. three weeks after she got out of the hospital, we were up in the mountains waiting to start working. so they run out of gas this day, and we go to take them to the store for gas. out vehicle had a car top carrier, all of out shit in the way back (its was a gmc jimmy) and we had 5 people and a dog in the car. as well as our brakes being bad and her not cutting the turn enough. we crashed. we hit a pole and flipped. everyone turned out ok, but my friend was behind me with out a seat belt on and sustained pretty bad injuries, they had to fly him to the nearest hospital.
i had a lot of fun in my travels, being homeless really didn't bother me all too much, it was more the harassment from cops and paranoia. in february of this year, i was pretty sick, in california i got pnuemonia, and when i got back to the east coast it tuened into double pneumonia, and i had a sinus infection. well th that point in time i was really feeling useless, like a piece of shit that didn't didn't deserve what he has regretting things and all that depressing shit. so i decided to take 120 mg of methadone while drinking and planned on never waking up.
i'm glad i did have people in my life that cared, my fiance called my mother and told her to come check on me, when they found me the people i was living with had propped me up in a chair, which i was hanging out of with black fluid dripping form my lungs. my body was 93.6 degreesF and my blood pressure was so low they couldn't draw blood from me for quite awhile. they initially tried fo put my into a coma to put the breathing tube down my throat. well after giving me waaaayyy more morphine, and that shit michael jackson. i was kind of depressed after i woke up from the 13 days coma i was in, i had red spiderwebs behind my eyelids.
i have a high tolerance to things, and i guess i woke up and ripped the tube out and tried to escape. i kinda remember some the dreams i had when i was essentially dying, and i can't describe them but they were crazy.
anyway, my fiance just got prescribed 90 of the oxycodone 5s, and now she has only like 30 somthing. its my fault. and i want to tell her because i feel really bad about it. she first noticee 20 were missing, and tonight i fucked up and did 20 more. how the fuck do i explain this to her. i know its not right, but i feel like i know sh'll get more and it be fine.. she was ranting about it last night saying whoever took them is a piece of shit, especially because they are abusing them. ibe gotten high from them, but i honestly have used them to deal with my pain and adjust my mood. i prefer to smoke cannabis everyday, because it helps with my depression/anger) but since im on the east coast its expensive to get around here. i was buying poppy seeds, because i can get them in bulk and they are quite potent, but ive run out of money that i can spend on them anytime soon. i work for $7.25 an hour, so i dont even make $1000 a month. basically i just wanted to say something, ask for advice, a lot of stuff. anyway, so i know i have a problem, and i need to talk to her about it, i just don't want her not trusting me, and i know its gonna happen. and i don't want her to try and ban me from opiates, other than snagging her stuff, i usually am able to function and it makes me feel better physically and mentally. i get energy from opiates, and i feel that if i do just enough to feel them, then they help me get through my everyday life. i have a bad back now because of the accident, because i had to stay with everything we owned on the side of the road in the middle of the mountains rather than going to a hospital. i'm thinking about trying to get into pain management, but i don't know how to go about it. i don't want to get them to abuse, although i probably would every now and again, i really just like having them around. when i get sick(cold,flu) i take some opiates and they get rid of my pains and actually make me not notice the fact that i can barely breathe (23 now, been smoking 10+years. i feel that i NEED cannabis though. it makes me happier, hungrier, more creative with my guiatar. idk man, i'm just ranting. please someone just talk to me, so maybe i can get to what i wanted to ask my bluelight brethern (and sisters)
help
ps please ignore my lack of proper punctuation and proper sentence structures. im stressed out and to lazy to try and type be
i had a lot of fun in my travels, being homeless really didn't bother me all too much, it was more the harassment from cops and paranoia. in february of this year, i was pretty sick, in california i got pnuemonia, and when i got back to the east coast it tuened into double pneumonia, and i had a sinus infection. well th that point in time i was really feeling useless, like a piece of shit that didn't didn't deserve what he has regretting things and all that depressing shit. so i decided to take 120 mg of methadone while drinking and planned on never waking up.
i'm glad i did have people in my life that cared, my fiance called my mother and told her to come check on me, when they found me the people i was living with had propped me up in a chair, which i was hanging out of with black fluid dripping form my lungs. my body was 93.6 degreesF and my blood pressure was so low they couldn't draw blood from me for quite awhile. they initially tried fo put my into a coma to put the breathing tube down my throat. well after giving me waaaayyy more morphine, and that shit michael jackson. i was kind of depressed after i woke up from the 13 days coma i was in, i had red spiderwebs behind my eyelids.
i have a high tolerance to things, and i guess i woke up and ripped the tube out and tried to escape. i kinda remember some the dreams i had when i was essentially dying, and i can't describe them but they were crazy.
anyway, my fiance just got prescribed 90 of the oxycodone 5s, and now she has only like 30 somthing. its my fault. and i want to tell her because i feel really bad about it. she first noticee 20 were missing, and tonight i fucked up and did 20 more. how the fuck do i explain this to her. i know its not right, but i feel like i know sh'll get more and it be fine.. she was ranting about it last night saying whoever took them is a piece of shit, especially because they are abusing them. ibe gotten high from them, but i honestly have used them to deal with my pain and adjust my mood. i prefer to smoke cannabis everyday, because it helps with my depression/anger) but since im on the east coast its expensive to get around here. i was buying poppy seeds, because i can get them in bulk and they are quite potent, but ive run out of money that i can spend on them anytime soon. i work for $7.25 an hour, so i dont even make $1000 a month. basically i just wanted to say something, ask for advice, a lot of stuff. anyway, so i know i have a problem, and i need to talk to her about it, i just don't want her not trusting me, and i know its gonna happen. and i don't want her to try and ban me from opiates, other than snagging her stuff, i usually am able to function and it makes me feel better physically and mentally. i get energy from opiates, and i feel that if i do just enough to feel them, then they help me get through my everyday life. i have a bad back now because of the accident, because i had to stay with everything we owned on the side of the road in the middle of the mountains rather than going to a hospital. i'm thinking about trying to get into pain management, but i don't know how to go about it. i don't want to get them to abuse, although i probably would every now and again, i really just like having them around. when i get sick(cold,flu) i take some opiates and they get rid of my pains and actually make me not notice the fact that i can barely breathe (23 now, been smoking 10+years. i feel that i NEED cannabis though. it makes me happier, hungrier, more creative with my guiatar. idk man, i'm just ranting. please someone just talk to me, so maybe i can get to what i wanted to ask my bluelight brethern (and sisters)
help
ps please ignore my lack of proper punctuation and proper sentence structures. im stressed out and to lazy to try and type be
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stay positive though and keep strong, I hope it all works out for you and your girl. Seeya mate 
