I fucked up... a lot

[mrs_mia_wallace]

I've been in rehab over 8 weeks and I got kicked out this morning. I had 59 days and I've been out 7 hours and I've already shot up H and snorted a line of meth.

I was so into my sobriety... not in the beginning but the last three weeks I was really happy being sober. I met an amazing guy in rehab and I was working hard and going through some rough times--I really felt like I was working on my issues for the first time, and really into 12 steps-- but I had hope.

Then last night some of my friends wanted to go and get shit and I really didn't even want to go but I just wanted to get out and I wasn't sure if I was gonna use or not, honestly... And then I got caught and they kicked me out. I did not want to leave at all, I was hysterical and told them I would do anything if they would let me stay, and they told me they would call the cops if I didnt go pack. I am so devastated. I am stranded in Arizona and I'm totally broke-- I hitchhiked to Phoenix and spent all my money on drugs with my friends I got kicked out with so I'm flat broke. I miss my boyfriend and I can't stand that I hurt him. And my parents are furious with me and want absolutely nothing to do with me, and after doing family therapy things were SO good between us. I feel hopeless and scared and I have no idea what I'm gonna do.

 

[semigenius]

It sounds like you need new friends. A good friend doesn't invite someone in rehab to go do drugs. That's just a dick move. I'm all about personal responsibility, but there are things that friends should and shouldn't do, and they broke a pretty important rule. Ditch them if you want to get clean.

I'm not going to lie, it will be hell. Your family is gone, there's no rehab, and your friends certainly aren't helpful. Unless you find a new rehab clinic, which I strongly advise you try, you're on your own. And that can be a bitch. But you have to be strong. You have to give yourself something to work for.

If you want to see your family again, you're going to need to get sober. I would say that family is a pretty good goal. Keep them in mind and use them to motivate yourself. But above all, try to find a new rehab clinic.


I wish you good luck. I don't know why, but this specific case means something to me. I'm not bullshitting you. I am actually becoming concerned for you. I really want to see you pull through. Keep us updated with any progress, and remember that this site is filled with people who can help you and give you support. I'm going to be thinking about some girl that I've never met in Arizona tonight. I can't stress enough that your recovery is somehow important to me. I don't know why, but it is.

 

[PeacefulAnarchist]

things can always get better. only you can make the decision to fight it. talk to ur parents and ur boyfriend, work things out with those that matter the most.

 

[BlueberryfishY]

get new friends, quit wasting life.

 

[megawoof]

is this your rock bottom if so things can only improve if you really want them to easy for me to say that ive got a comfortable bed and sum money in my pocket but like other poster said after reading your post kinda feel for you hope you will be safe and wish you well geniuely

 

[bagochina]

Good to see you posting miss mia wallace, I was hoping you were ok. Sounds like a bad situation but unfortunately a semi normal situation. Call your parents and plead for help. It sounds like you made some huge improvements in yourself and your family relationships hopefully they will still be there for you. Or you can try to do this by yourself.

I know for me personally ANY time I would make friends/girls in rehab it never ended good, a sure-fire way for me to relapse. These days I almost shy away from some people I meet in recovery for that reason.

Ran into a neighbor at a NA meeting tonight, AWKWARD!!!

Good luck, do you have any kinda plan?

peace,
seedless

 

[User Name Here]

<snip>

What the hell man. Just because she's an addict doesn't mean she's a piece of shit or a "nincompoop." Drugs can make you do some fucked up things, not because you're some horrible person but because you're SICK. At least she was trying to better herself by being in rehab in the first place which is more than most drug users can say!

 

[skoat]

If it was going good, try to go back to a different rehab. From what I've seen it takes tremendous will power to do it all alone.

Good luck mrs mia wallace

 

[2spun4one]

I'm in Chandler which is right next to phoenix, yes it is very easy to spend all of your money on drugs out here. Let me know if I can help.

 

[Georgie25]

Explain what happened to them first and foremost.

 

[Magic_Hobo]

<culling the drama - n3o>

But I don't want to ruin your thread, so I hope you work things out, Ms. Mia Wallace. I know this is a difficult time for you. I really hope you are able to reconnect with your family, because that is very important. It is much more difficult to get well without support from the ones that you love.

 

[ferrita]

Hi,
This is my first post on Bluelight, but I've been a long time lurker and reader. For whatever reason your post caught my eye and brought me out of the woodwork. I am a recovering heroin/cocaine addict who has been mostly clean since 1986. a few slip ups here and there, but nothting major.

Anyway I'm in AZ to. Mohave County. If you are in the county and need a place to regroup, I have an extra room. I was a case manager for troubled folk and I have bukoo connections for help. Im with semigenious on this. For some reason this post jumped out and got my attention. If theres anything I can do to help, let me know. I'd be more then glad to do what I can.

Don't pay attention to the haters, it only hinders your sobriety, besides that you are already kicking your own ass and being your own worst enemy. Hang tough and rattle. It can all be worked throuigh some how. Again, If you need help and your in my area, I am more then glad to lend a room to crash in, some food, some solitute.

Quit kicking yourself in the ass, it won't prove anything or solve anything, all you can do is move forward from here and start over. One day at a time, just one day at a time. don't let this setback defeat all your hard work. We've all fucked up at one time or another. You aren't alone.

 

[TriggerHappy]

hey girl, things will be alright if you make the right decisions going forward from this moment. you're an addict, these things happen to us.

i know you feel frightened and maybe a little guilty... you feel overwhelmed by the circumstances. but it's like, you're sitting in the corner of a really messy room... and you just need to clean the room a little bit at a time. break it down into small tasks.

first, i'd leave your parents alone for a little while. they need to know that you're taking responsibility for all this. if you're in a strange town, but have a place to crash, i'd start by finding some NA/AA meetings. you don't have to buy into it all... but chances are, you'll find some sympathetic people that may be able to help you. this will also make you look good to your family... if you can get back into rehab, do it.

you got to get away from whatever "friends" that are using around you. it sucks...

don't listen to that *douchebag* hyroller. she's just an addict with low self esteem. looks like she's had some small success at beating her own demons, so she's beating up on you in order to make herself feel better about her past. we must have compassion for this chick.

 

[TriggerHappy]

<snip>

you must really feel horrible about yourself, to be lashing out so cruelly at someone else. when there is so much misery in the world, why add to it? when there is space to be kind, why choose ugliness?

i still believe people are basically good at heart...

 

[kij]

I sympathize! you fucked up and hopefully your going to get better. in rehab you learned that being sober is enjoyable, and that you can live without drugs, thats an important step. the more times you try to quit the more likely you are to succeed in quitting for good. so if you fail, dont get discouraged, just keep trying. i think i read that most smokers quit after there 7th time trying to quit.

 

[hyroller]

I think my suggestion of checking into another rehab clinic is the most logical one yet.

And another poster has even echoed my senitments.

If this girl wanted to do anything in her power to get clean, she would have used the last money getting transport to the next place that would take her in. not on more drugs.

I'm entitled to a fucking opinion, which I can back up, no less.

 

[Captain.Heroin]

I think my suggestion of checking into another rehab clinic is the most logical one yet.

And another poster has even echoed my senitments.

If this girl wanted to do anything in her power to get clean, she would have used the last money getting transport to the next place that would take her in. not on more drugs.

I'm entitled to a fucking opinion, which I can back up, no less.

You're not being polite to the OP. Rehabilitation facilities are not for everyone. Some people need to quit slowly, instead of cold turkey giving up a drug once and for all.

 

[MrIbis]

Err jesus christ what a fucking nuclear fall out in here...

Hyroller: chill girl.. they'll all attack you further...

The rest of you:

OP; <Name-calling won't be tolerated, thanks - n3o> . 12 steps is for losers. Meeting other junkies is a pretty common reason to go get high again - stupid stupid stupid. Sorry if this offends but i cant stand this crap, being an ex-h addict, it's all too easy to see where this went wrong.

Perhaps you should try home pharmacotherapy with some benzos and buprenorphine followed by a slow and steady taper off said medications?

anyone else; fuck up retards. her posts were on the ball with the actual situation here, however much they offended everyone. Sometimes there is less than one way to put things - and the straight up offensive truth helps - as much as it doesn't look like it does. Or maybe in australia we just like the truth that much more.

 

[hyroller]

Or maybe in australia we just like the truth that much more.

you're not wrong....
at least I know there is one poster who will always see the logical side

of course logic does not factor in with addiction, but if someone is going to sit there claiming that something meant that much to them, then I don't see why they'd have risked it in the first place.

The OP wasn't polite to me, either! but this isn't about me! good luck getting clean etc and good luck getting laid 8)

 

[**hAyzzZZ**]

Mia, I've been reading your posts ever since you first joined here. Suffice to say, from what you've posted on here I can pretty much say I know the majority of what's been going on in your life...

... You were clearly on a good thing, 8 weeks in rehab, that's a good effort. This is just a setback... Just start again. It can be done. No need to go back to that fucked up lifestyle dude after 8 weeks on the straight. Just try again.