I found out who raped me

[DrunkardsDream]

Okay, here I see your point. Thing is I don't live in the same city anymore, not even the same country, so even if I do put up flyers in his neighborhood (which is far from where I lived) he really couldn't find me again, especially since we don't know each other; and I do really think it would help me get some peace of mind instead of waiting for judicial retribution which might never come.
My heroin use really isn't pertinent to this thread and I've got no idea why you're bringing it up as it's another issue entirely.

OK but you did write about how you saw this guy on facebook. Facebook even if you have your profile set to "private" or "friends only" is not anonymous so this guy if he knows what he's doing could find your location through it. Be safe.

 

[Pagey]

You're right, and I did think about it. Obviously I deleted the acquaintance who's friends with him to make sure he might not accidentally stumble on me like I did him, and I double-checked that we don't have any more friends in common.
That being said I really don't think there's a risk of him finding out where I am now. Even if he does learn which city I live in, it's massive so it wouldn't help him much.
I still really like the flyers idea but I'll reconsider. Thanks for the concern.

 

[severely etarded]

Flyers and filing a report is about all you can legally do. Even flyers could get you sued (if they could prove they were from you), although there isn't really a criminal element to it. If it informs the community there is a sex offender on the loose, job well done imo.

If you're not going to get justice through the legal system, I would pursue other (non-criminal) avenues. It's like the police are gonna run fingerprints on the flyers, when no crime has been committed. At worst he can try to file a defamation suit, IF he had some evidence it was you.

Then other girls might see the flyers and report him too. He's probably done it before, most rapists don't just have one victim.

Good luck, I hope you get some sort of justice for this creep. Even if it just means alienation by his neighborhood.

 

[bagochina]

Go to the police, continue getting help for yourself, and forgive him

Best post, although I would leave the police part out unless you like ridicule.

 

[Pagey]

Good luck, I hope you get some sort of justice for this creep. Even if it just means alienation by his neighborhood.

Thank you, that's really all I want right now.

Best post, although I would leave the police part out unless you like ridicule.

I still don't really understand the use of the word 'forgive' in this context. Maybe I'm misinterpreting but how does a rapist deserve to be forgiven?
I get the point that helping myself (which, I'm going to say it again, I HAVE been doing) is a way to show that I'm stronger than him and won't let myself be affected by him and eh hasn't 'won', but well, he won't know that. And I do think he deserves to be punished and to be hurt in some way even though he'll still be nowhere near what he's made me go through. I'm absolutely convinced that knowing he got some sort of justice will help me in my recovery. I've never been religious but this made me lose faith in everything I believed in really and I need to know karma's going to get back at him, and I want to be a part of that myself.
I already think I'm being quite 'nice' by ignoring all my urges to get him beaten up.

 

[Effuzion]

The saying is "forgive but don't forget". Go to the police and do your part to make sure he has to deal with the consequences of his actions, but I'm with the other guys that putting up fliers, having him beat up or harassing him in any way is not going to help. At best, you might feel better for a little while (and then go right back to feeling like shit because you haven't dealt with the issue), and at worst you could get arrested yourself or prevent an accusation from ever being taken seriously, meaning he will definitely not go to jail.

[I've never been religious but this made me lose faith in everything I believed in really and I need to know karma's going to get back at him, and I want to be a part of that myself.

Then go to the police. Don't take any more action.

 

[severely etarded]

Then go to the police. Don't take any more action.

are you really so naive to think there will be ANY justice without a single shred of evidence? Man, if it were that easy people would be getting wrongfully convicted of all sorts of crime. Oh, so-and-so did X! ARREST THEM! Yeah right; they need proof.

Her best case scenario going to the police means that he gets a report in the local database. No justice, though.

 

[Effuzion]

are you really so naive to think there will be ANY justice without a single shred of evidence? Man, if it were that easy people would be getting wrongfully convicted of all sorts of crime. Oh, so-and-so did X! ARREST THEM! Yeah right; they need proof.

Her best case scenario going to the police means that he gets a report in the local database. No justice, though.

I'm not saying the guy will definitely go to jail right after she comes forward with an accusation. There's a good chance he might not ever go to jail. But if Pagey does any of those things she wants to do she is all but guaranteeing that he won't have to answer for his crime and she's just putting off getting actual help by wasting more energy on this guy.

I think the goal of therapy would be to get to a point where what happened to you doesn't define you and your actions. By going out and getting "revenge", you're letting him continue to have that hold over you.

 

[Pagey]

^How would I be guaranteeing he won't have to answer for hsi crime?
Once again, I AM getting actual help! I'm not putting off anything at all, if anything, I'm adding to the help. But once again, I HAVE been in therapy for this ever since I had the courage to bring it up.

I agree that the goal is for me to achieve some sort of peace of mind over the whole thing where I don't let him continue to have a hold over me anymore. I also think that in order to do this, I need to know that some sort of balance is present and that he will be affected by what he did. The only way I can make sure of that is by taking direct action myself, considering going to the police is very unlikely to yield any results.

 

[severely etarded]

^ I still don't see what's wrong with informing people about sex offenders. I sure as hell would be pissed if a sex offender moved into my apartments, and I wasn't notified. Wouldn't you? Just because someone isn't convicted doesn't mean they're not a sex offender. If it makes Pagey feel better, so be it.

Informing people there's a rapist is hardly "revenge". More like "karma".

 

[Effuzion]

^How would I be guaranteeing he won't have to answer for hsi crime?
Once again, I AM getting actual help! I'm not putting off anything at all, if anything, I'm adding to the help. But once again, I HAVE been in therapy for this ever since I had the courage to bring it up.

I agree that the goal is for me to achieve some sort of peace of mind over the whole thing where I don't let him continue to have a hold over me anymore. I also think that in order to do this, I need to know that some sort of balance is present and that he will be affected by what he did. The only way I can make sure of that is by taking direct action myself, considering going to the police is very unlikely to yield any results.

Because you're destroying your own credibility. Most victims don't go have the guy beat up or put posters up in his town calling him a rapist. He could just say you're a crazy ex girlfriend at that point and it would seem believable. If you take the legal route and go to the cops and do nothing else, you at least preserve that chance that some day he will go to jail for what he did.

^ I still don't see what's wrong with informing people about sex offenders. I sure as hell would be pissed if a sex offender moved into my apartments, and I wasn't notified. Wouldn't you? Just because someone isn't convicted doesn't mean they're not a sex offender. If it makes Pagey feel better, so be it.

Informing people there's a rapist is hardly "revenge". More like "karma".

You guys keep mentioning karma but I don't think you really know what karma is. Karma is where the universe gets back at the other person. Revenge is where you do it yourself.

Also, I'm not saying it's wrong to do any of the things Pagey wants to do. It's just stupid because, at best, it won't help, and it could very easily make things worse.

 

[Pagey]

Most victims don't go have the guy beat up

Are you sure about that? I'm really not.

If I inform other people about what he did I'll know he's paying for it. If I just cross my fingers that the cops'll be able to do something, it's just that, hoping.

 

[Effuzion]

Are you sure about that? I'm really not.

I've seen enough crime TV shows to know that, if the case did go to trial, his lawyers would have a fucking field day with the idea of you putting up posters calling him a rapist.

If I inform other people about what he did I'll know he's paying for it. If I just cross my fingers that the cops'll be able to do something, it's just that, hoping.

You're stuck on the idea of revenge. You think if you don't get revenge, you won't get better. That's not true. You will get better.

 

[Pagey]

That's beside the point. I'm saying I wouldn't be so sure most rape victims don't try to take justice into their own hands, or ask others to do it for them.
I wasn't commenting on how that affects credibility.

It's already been figured out this case would never go to trial anyway. There's no proof of what happened, police won't be able to do anything.

I don't know if I'll get better. You don't know if I'll get better.
What I do know is that he doesn't get to do this to me and walk away from it fine. He just doesn't fucking get to do that.

 

[severely etarded]

Because you're destroying your own credibility. Most victims don't go have the guy beat up or put posters up in his town calling him a rapist. He could just say you're a crazy ex girlfriend at that point and it would seem believable. If you take the legal route and go to the cops and do nothing else, you at least preserve that chance that some day he will go to jail for what he did.

or somebody might see the poster and recognize him, or at least avoid him and thus, avoid becoming his next victim.

You guys keep mentioning karma but I don't think you really know what karma is. Karma is where the universe gets back at the other person. Revenge is where you do it yourself.

Revenge is direct. Posting flyers is indirect. Posting flyers induces karma.

Noun
The action of inflicting hurt or harm on someone for a wrong suffered at their hands.
Verb
Inflict hurt or harm on someone for an injury or wrong done to oneself.


Notice it doesn't say "either directly or indirectly".

Revenge is having him beat up, spiking his drink with LSD, slashing tires etc. Posting flyers is simply informing people, and letting karma happen.

I don't know if I'll get better. You don't know if I'll get better.
What I do know is that he doesn't get to do this to me and walk away from it fine. He just doesn't fucking get to do that.

From what I've seen/heard, people never "get better". They just get better at coping. It's kind of like losing a parent or loved one, at someone else's will.

 

[Effuzion]

There was a story I read about a girl who was raped when she was 17. She never told her dad, never told the cops. She only told her boyfriend (who was friends with the guy who raped her) and left it at that. A year later, that same guy who raped her murdered his own daughter and framed it as a suicide. The guy was never even considered a suspect by the police because he had no history of violence against women. Accusations can make a difference even if it's not right away and even if he doesn't go to jail for the crime against you.

And yeah that story was from Jenna Jameson's biography, but still. It happened.

or somebody might see the poster and recognize him, or at least avoid him and thus, avoid becoming his next victim.

If you see a poster with the picture of a guy's face that says "I'M A RAPIST", you're telling me you think people would take that seriously? I'd just think he had asshole friends trying to embarrass him or a crazy ex, and I can't be the only one who thinks like that.

Also, I don't want to quote a bunch of shit about the meaning of karma and get even more off topic, but let's just say that karma comes from the idea that a God or supreme being makes things right with the world.

 

[Pagey]

Okay, just answer this:
If you had been raped, remembered every second of it, hadn't been able to sleep properly since and could barely leave your home for months afterwards, were living with the recollection on your own because you didn't know why, but you were afraid of telling others, felt like you had been ruined, broken, and would never be the same, literally jumped at any sort of physical contact since...you think you'd be able to simply HOPE that one day he'd get the justice he deserved?

 

[bagochina]

My advice would be move on, don't dwell on it, & change your thinking.

 

[Effuzion]

I think that the goal is that you're supposed to get to the point where you're comfortable enough that you don't care if he goes to jail or not because that's not something you can control. Hoping he does still means he's on your mind constantly.

Look, it can't be easy. It's gotta be hard to make a rational decision. I'm just pointing out what I see.

 

[Pagey]

Effuzion I do get your point. Maybe it was a bad idea for me to make this thread because I'm just not able to hear people suggest I'm overreacting, or that I need to forget about it and let him go on with his life. Maybe it just happened too recently for me to be ready to hear that stuff and it's my fault for making this thread. But those types of posts are making me incredibly upset right now so I'm just going to stop this debate with you. Thanks for your advice.