I forgave my husband for cheating

Carl Landrover said:
I'm pretty sure that is incorrect.
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Please explain the biological imperative that forces people to actively verbalise a promise of monogamy to their partner and then break it.

Humans are rational actors. As I said in the post you replied to, if an adult human doesn't want to be monogamous (or feels incapable of doing so) they are perfectly capable of negotiating consensual non-monogamy with their partner. There's nothing forcing you to lie.
 
Well monogamy is commonly upheld as a virtue in human societies, for a variety of reasons but probably chief among them is the influence of organized religion. So I can understand why people bow to that societal pressure...I don't excuse the lying and bad behavior, but I understand it. Certainly monogamy isn't very common in the animal kingdom, with some of homo sapien's closest animal relatives like bonobos being notably polyamorous, so I don't think that monogamy is really something that's beyond a critical look. But it's not an excuse to act like a shitty human being, as I mentioned.
 
You've probably heard of sex addiction, but you might be surprised to know that there's debate about whether it's truly an addiction, and that it's not even all about sex.

"That's a common misconception," says Rory Reid, PhD, LCSW, a research psychologist at UCLA's Semel Institute for Neuroscience and Human Behavior. "It is no more about sex than an eating disorder is about food or pathological gambling is about money.

"What Is Sex Addiction?

Sex addiction won't be in the upcoming edition of the DSM-5, which is used to diagnose mental disorders.

That doesn't mean that it's not a very real problem.
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http://www.webmd.com/sexual-conditions/features/is-sex-addiction-real

I don't think that anyone can simply say that sex addiction is not a real thing.
After all, it is difficult to prove that something does not exist.
Especially if you consider that the underlying addiction could come out as sex addiction, meth addiction, gambling addiction, etc.

Here is a book from 2013 called "Clinical Management of Sex Addiction".

And here is a book from 2012 called "The Myth of Sex Addiction". But it is not a scientific book, as the author admits...

So, there are arguments both ways, and it ultimately depends on our definition of addiction, I think.
But to come out and simply deny that such a thing exists seems to be avoiding the issue.

(And, as a monogamous married person who intensely dislikes people who use sex addiction as an excuse to cheat, I would like to agree with you, six buckets, but I admit that I have not mastered the field sufficiently to make any bold claims.)
 
Just to point out the obvious: Monogamy is a relatively new human artifact. For most of the existence of human kind and history, monogamy was have been looked at as quite the silly idea, as quite unnatural.
 
I can see sex as an addiction I guess. Probably prone to abuse though and taken out of context a lot. I think the thing that gets people going is that addiction = excuse for behavior. People can get addicted to internet porn, I imagine the real thing isn't much different. It is kind of annoying though that people are becoming 'addicted' to everything. The whole I can't help myself thing is kind of a cop-out. It seems the definition of addiction is becoming a bit loose.

I am not sure if Tiger is a sex addict. Having women throw themselves at you all the time, I'm sure it would be easy to start padding your stats. Not sure that really counts. Just because you like having sex with beautiful women doesn't necessarily mean that you have an addiction just a lack of self control.

I do actually believe that some people are genuinely monogamous. I guess it comes easier for some than others.

Good luck Slim! Nice write-up! =D
 
jammin83 said:
I can see sex as an addiction I guess. Probably prone to abuse though and taken out of context a lot. I think the thing that gets people going is that addiction = excuse for behavior. People can get addicted to internet porn, I imagine the real thing isn't much different. It is kind of annoying though that people are becoming 'addicted' to everything. The whole I can't help myself thing is kind of a cop-out. It seems the definition of addiction is becoming a bit loose.

I am not sure if Tiger is a sex addict. Having women throw themselves at you all the time, I'm sure it would be easy to start padding your stats. Not sure that really counts. Just because you like having sex with beautiful women doesn't necessarily mean that you have an addiction just a lack of self control.

I do actually believe that some people are genuinely monogamous. I guess it comes easier for some than others.

Good luck Slim! Nice write-up! =D
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I genuinely struggle with monogamy. Always have. That's why I'm in a consensually polyamorous relationship. I've been poly most of my adult life and haven't cheated on anyone since I was teenager, regardless of how different the sex drives/interests of my parter/s and I are.

If someone isn't comfortable with poly, I don't date them, because I'm a responsible adult human who doesn't CHOOSE to let my sex life harm people I care about.
 
I totally understand that, I think its reasonable to be attracted to other females, I am too but I am in a monogamous relationship and very happy and have no issues not cheating or sleeping around.

People are different though, and it annoys me when people act like sleeping with multiple partners is the way we are all wired. I think most men have a harder time than the average woman, but maybe that's not an accurate generalization. As long as its all out in the open, all good in my book.

Burnt you got a picture of the uglies? I was assuming...rich celebrities usually have a strikingly gorgeous fetish.
 
jammin83 said:
People are different though, and it annoys me when people act like sleeping with multiple partners is the way we are all wired. I think most men have a harder time than the average woman, but maybe that's not an accurate generalization. As long as its all out in the open, all good in my book.
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Some people are inclined towards monogamy, absolutely. I tend to compartmentalise - I have specific "things" that I only want to do with one person, but I'll want to do other "things" with other people. I think it's unreasonable for me to expect that my partner will meet all of my sexual and romantic needs for the rest of my life. If other people feel that that's something they can do, or that they feel comfortable asking for, I don't judge that.
 
I think you should cheat as well, otherwise you two won't feel as equals in your relationship. I volunteer to assist you in this necessary task.
 
I am prone to monogamy. I know what it feels like to be cheated on and I don't wish that on another person, especially someone that I am with. I don't think men or women are more prone to cheating. It just shows a lack of regard for your significant other and an unwillingness to practice self discipline.

If you are polyamorous and your partner is okay with it, then go for it. You are two consenting adults, and if your partner didn't like it they wouldn't be there.
 
I think that just because we may somewhat understand the biochemical background of drug addiction, one can't say that there is no such thing as "xyz addiction" just because we don't really understand the mechanisms behind it. Taking the definition of addiction "Addiction is a state characterized by compulsive engagement in rewarding stimuli, despite adverse consequences", I think that sex addiction is a real thing in people who cannot willfully change their ways. Psychology in its current state is, in my opinion, empirical and speculative at best, so things like addiction are more vague or undefined than they appear to be. You could, if desired, label some psychological disorders as addictions, e.g bulimia or anorexia nervosa - people addicted to vomiting after eating, not eating, losing weight etc. Although it may sound strange, from a certain angle it could fit the profile, but I digress.

Bottom line is discarding sex addiction as a real psychological "disorder"/phenomenon is unjustified.
 
Burnt Offerings said:
I wouldn't exactly call some of the women Tiger Woods had sex with "beautiful", lol
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which leads to the query - given his status at the time he could have just laid drop dead gorgeous women - he CHOOSE to sleep with women described as "cocktail waitresses" in OZ - ergo it was an addiction? Then again, it may be more thinking how much can he get away with? I never understand why these style of people commit as a public happy couple but wanna root around constantly - why not do all the rooting around before the commitment?
 
I don't get the resistance to accepting sex addiction as a "real" disorder.
So, here is my science-based rant:

Seems like drug users just wanting to preserve their (or their community's) addictions as the only "real" addictions.
(This reminds me of how sometimes opiate addicts scoff at cannabis addicts, while benzo addicts scoff at opiate addicts. Ours is the only "real" addiction.)

Don't y'all get that people can become addicted to anything? Addiction is in the mind/brain, not the outside, physical material substance.

We used to think that gambling addiction was not a "real" addiction, but thinking on that has changed, and now people accept it as real. Why? Because neurologists have found that gambling stimulates the brain's reward system, and so that gambling can act just like drugs (for people with this addiction). I don't mean that every gambler is addicted, just that such an addiction is possible. In fact, gambling addiction has helped us understand drug addiction more clearly, as opposed to using the disease model of drug addiction.

Video game addiction is similar. Nothing in the roulette wheel or video game itself is physically addictive. The brain's response to these things is what people become addicted to. These are full-blown addictions, that can destroy a person's life.

Video game addicts re-wire the reward circuitry in their brains, just as with drug addicts. The dopamine just flows and flows.

Not recognized by the APA? I couldn't care less, tbh. They are a conservative institution, slow to recognize what many scientists have already recognized.


So, are y'all honestly trying to say that sex addiction is different? Something that is known to release so many hormones/chemicals in the brain and body, but there's no way people could become addicted to it? Scientists have been proposing that sex addiction (hypersexual disorder) be included in the DSM since at least 2009. And studies that ask the question of whether hypersexual disorder should be labeled an "addiction" find many, many similarities with drug addiction. The most common conclusion is that there is not enough data yet... but this is not, by any stretch of the imagination, a reason to deny that sex addiction is real. Since it is very similar to drug addiction, and we don't have enough data, the most conservative viewpoint with scientific grounding is that we can't yet know for sure, though it looks like an addiction. A wiser viewpoint, imo, is that sex addiction and drug addiction are so similar that it is silly to nitpick.

In fact, addictions to sex, exercise, and shopping were all considered for the addiction section of the DSM-5, but left out only due to insufficient data. In DSM-4, gambling addiction was not part of the addiction section. Things change as more data become available, but we don't have to value the current edition of the DSM over our common sense.

Want more information? Check out this article from 2015:

Abstract: The journey of addiction treatment is marked with significant societal, clinical, and scientific advances over the past few decades. Not too long ago, addiction was viewed as a moral failing and those suffering with addiction were treated harshly and with great prejudice and fear. One thing remains evident, significant change is difficult to come by is met with resistance, and it takes the perseverance and vision of a collective force of individuals to bring about the change. Addiction is one disease that has been maligned and misunderstood historically, as it presents in its myriad forms, yet clarity has emerged over the last 50 years to the recognition that it is a primary, chronic disease of brain reward, motivation, memory, and related circuitry, with manifestations along biological, psychological, social, and spiritual domains. The ongoing controversy over the acceptance of problem behaviors related to sex as part of addiction is very similar to the phenomenon which occurred with alcoholism and drug dependencies not that long ago. However, when presented with the latest scientific advances the criticisms prove to be unfounded and outdated.
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Source: http://www.tandfonline.com/doi/abs/10.1080/10720162.2015.1036184

Still not satiated? Read this article, which explains that sex addiction is more difficult than drug addiction to overcome because our brains are wired for sex for survival, from birth, unlike with drugs.

And this one says exactly what I am arguing here:

As with the concept of food addiction, considerable debate exists regarding whether other behaviors (e.g., excessive/compulsive sex (Kor, Fogel, Reid, & Potenza, 2013); see also http://healthland.time.com/2013/07/...m-a-sex-addict-or-maybe-not/?iid=hl-main-lead) might represent addictions. Interestingly, many of these behaviors (excessive/compulsive gambling, sex, eating, and shopping) have been associated with Parkinson’s disease and its treatment (Weintraub et al., 2010), further suggesting a common biological pathway across these conditions. Thus, while the reclassification of gambling disorder in DSM-5 represents an important development, it is anticipated that additional changes may occur in the future as more knowledge is attained.
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Source: http://europepmc.org/articles/pmc3858502
 
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I think people can become addicted to sex, and it can cause them to act out in ways such as those described. Many will use the addiction label as a cover for bad behaviour I'm sure, but I don't doubt that there are genuine cases out there.

I would however not even dream of "forgiving" a partner that pulled this kind of shit. I wouldn't tolerate a drug addict's destructive behaviour in a relationship either.
 
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