Yes I have insurance. Also, I am very underweight/low bodyfat. I won't be taking benzos anymore when going there. I guess theoretically they could start me at 20mgs still, I could wait 2-4 hours and get another 10mgs equalling 30? I'm thinking of just asking someone for their urine.... they never observed at this place I'm going to- just no running the sink etc. I know I won't be using them
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H&R Moderators: streaM Freak
I finally want it.....
- Thread starter JM357
- Start date
manboychef
Bluelighter
Listen to me: You are making mountains out of molehills. You cannot do anything about it today, so maybe you should try not to obsess over it. Tomorrow first thing you do is call the clinic and explain your situation, and see if they are willing to work with you, and what you need to do in order to be induced on methadone.
The salient point is: You are making yourself crazy man....that is only leading you closer to use. Take a giant step back, take a giant breath in and out, and center yourself. Consider this for a second....you are not the first nor the last to enter a MMT clinic burning a hole in the cup for benzos, and chances are you will not be the last....that day even. The primary goal you stated is that you want to get on methadone. Do not let this minor setback keep you from moving forward.
The salient point is: You are making yourself crazy man....that is only leading you closer to use. Take a giant step back, take a giant breath in and out, and center yourself. Consider this for a second....you are not the first nor the last to enter a MMT clinic burning a hole in the cup for benzos, and chances are you will not be the last....that day even. The primary goal you stated is that you want to get on methadone. Do not let this minor setback keep you from moving forward.
You're right- I have to look at the positives.
I have been on benzos less than a month. Much of that a diclazepam (b/c it is hard to find a doc to do a diazepam) taper. I'm sure they have seen much worse (I've read your stories and not trying to say either one is better or worse- your DOC was benzos and I can't imagine doing what you are doing right now (well, maybe the time I got hooked on fent from the DN....but even then I was able to do dope for a couple weeks and switch to subs)). There are plenty of people on the boards who I'm sure would be happy to have less than a month of benzo use. I do plan on trying taking none tomorrow. My sis works as a nurse prac. at a clinic for mentally ill homeless men in NYC and she says she has seen a lot worse when it comes to benzos. She claims at under a month there may be minor symptoms but I wouldn't have a grand mal and die.
I'm on subs- some people have a dope habit of hundreds of dollars a day (I did at one point and now it is messing up a few times a month). A lot of people would be happy to be decently well on 8mgs of bupe a day (at one point 8mgs took the fent WDs and made them into regular H WDs).
The langauge on the document is not completely restrictive when it comes to federal law. It gives leeway. Maybe they just give me 20mgs first and have me sit for 2 hours and give another 10. Maybe they do the whole 30mgs (they can do up to 40mgs- I think the way my pupils get I would have gotten it if not for benzos, but even here I am speculating). I just don't want to be given a dose that I am super sick at night and use on. But that isn't today, and I get RXed gabapentin, clonidine, and have loperamide around- many don't have those at their finger tips. And still today it is ok- mostly I have to go the supermarket in a couple hours and pay my electric bill and cable/internet. Plenty of people can't do that. They don't even have a roof over their head. Today I pay some bills or set up the ride for tomorrow morning and pay them. And not use.
One problem is my wife has temporarily not been staying with me- but I'm not some abusive guy, I believe she still loves me and she says she wants to have our family back together shortly when we work out our wellness. If not- we are going to be civil, I have a beautiful daughter that loves me and I will be able to see. She says I am the best man in the world- I can't have her think the best man in the world shoots heroin.
I have a misdemeanor neglect (by being passed out- my rock bottom) to deal with. I know someone who went with a friend for a ride in a car somewhere- turns out there was a kilo in the trunk. They have over ten years to serve and I truly believe they either didn't know or thought it was an eight ball maybe. Things can be worse.
I don't want to hurt anyone else by saying these things. Just putting them out there makes me feel better.
Also- important to remember: the clinic wants it to work out and you to take to it and not be sick and drop out. They make LOTS of money doing so.
My sub doc knew I messed up with benzos a couple times (used to do them once or twice a month) and they are also instructed to be careful about it. I was honest with him and we worked it out.
My sub doc knew I messed up with benzos a couple times (used to do them once or twice a month) and they are also instructed to be careful about it. I was honest with him and we worked it out.
manboychef
Bluelighter
Most clinics do not make much money. It is private doctors that do that. Most clinics get subsidies from the state.
My drug of choice was actually morphine (heroin if that was all I could find)/cocaine speedballs. I like benzos because the put the rosy edges on everything again.
I have some bad anxiety problems, and the xanax isn't working anymore. I was taking enough xanax and temazepam daily to put most people under a days worth of blackouts a couple times a day...this was not sustainable. I chose to make a change and I am dealing with the consequences in the form of withdrawal symptoms from benzos...I am doing it under a doctor's care...he actually gave me his cellphone number in case I ran into some really bad withdrawal, and he would make sure I got proper care.
When it comes to your wife. She is an adult. You worry about you now. If you really want to help her, make sure you are right in the head and ready to accept life as it comes.
Lastly from what I know of methadone therapy...quite a few patients are not put on the dose they need at first and end up using on top of it. This is something between you and the clinician to work out. Eventually you will find a dose that keeps your cravings at bay, and allows you to start working on the problems that caused you to use in the first place.
My drug of choice was actually morphine (heroin if that was all I could find)/cocaine speedballs. I like benzos because the put the rosy edges on everything again.
I have some bad anxiety problems, and the xanax isn't working anymore. I was taking enough xanax and temazepam daily to put most people under a days worth of blackouts a couple times a day...this was not sustainable. I chose to make a change and I am dealing with the consequences in the form of withdrawal symptoms from benzos...I am doing it under a doctor's care...he actually gave me his cellphone number in case I ran into some really bad withdrawal, and he would make sure I got proper care.
When it comes to your wife. She is an adult. You worry about you now. If you really want to help her, make sure you are right in the head and ready to accept life as it comes.
Lastly from what I know of methadone therapy...quite a few patients are not put on the dose they need at first and end up using on top of it. This is something between you and the clinician to work out. Eventually you will find a dose that keeps your cravings at bay, and allows you to start working on the problems that caused you to use in the first place.
Thank you for everything. You are right- and I didn't know that was your DOC- I just though benzos when I associated something with you. Shows how wrong we can be.
Also, same about being wrong about the clinic- everyone always claims they are money making machines. The doc there was always nice. I just really don't want to use to top off even when I start. If I get caught again in my state it will be my third felony drug possession which means it will be a class A (max 7.5-15). I think my chances are better of it not being to bad though b/c of being on subs and not a multi-gram or even gram a day habit and that I can take a couple gabapentin and clonidine at night (and a loperamide- but I doubt there would be serious GI issues since the GI gains less tolerance than the rest of the body). Part of me wants to keep some subs in case something goes wrong insurance wise (I know I can't take them within 72 hours w/o precipitated WDs) so that I have a sort of landing pad if I suddenly have to come off (I do think methadone terror WDs often come from people coming off like 150mg+ doses though; I came off 38mgs before and 30mgs and neither time was worse than H WDs- actually not as bad just longer). Like If I was on for four months and had to come off I could wait the 72 hours and do a sub taper for 7-10 days to get rid of the worst of it. But last time they made me dispose of them (which included driving to a police station and handing them to a confused officer who wrote a note and signed it and I think I handed in like 7). I went off the last time b/c my father was driving me and said he was going on vacation, warned me three months in advance (I was on 70mgs), and I was off. Now I know that medicaid will transport me to the clinic since I no longer have my own transportation (also it is only 8 miles away- have thought of getting a bicycle just in case, I would probably hurt like hell after though). A lot of it is confusing but I am going to call tomorrow as you said an try to get them to work with my PCP.
Also, same about being wrong about the clinic- everyone always claims they are money making machines. The doc there was always nice. I just really don't want to use to top off even when I start. If I get caught again in my state it will be my third felony drug possession which means it will be a class A (max 7.5-15). I think my chances are better of it not being to bad though b/c of being on subs and not a multi-gram or even gram a day habit and that I can take a couple gabapentin and clonidine at night (and a loperamide- but I doubt there would be serious GI issues since the GI gains less tolerance than the rest of the body). Part of me wants to keep some subs in case something goes wrong insurance wise (I know I can't take them within 72 hours w/o precipitated WDs) so that I have a sort of landing pad if I suddenly have to come off (I do think methadone terror WDs often come from people coming off like 150mg+ doses though; I came off 38mgs before and 30mgs and neither time was worse than H WDs- actually not as bad just longer). Like If I was on for four months and had to come off I could wait the 72 hours and do a sub taper for 7-10 days to get rid of the worst of it. But last time they made me dispose of them (which included driving to a police station and handing them to a confused officer who wrote a note and signed it and I think I handed in like 7). I went off the last time b/c my father was driving me and said he was going on vacation, warned me three months in advance (I was on 70mgs), and I was off. Now I know that medicaid will transport me to the clinic since I no longer have my own transportation (also it is only 8 miles away- have thought of getting a bicycle just in case, I would probably hurt like hell after though). A lot of it is confusing but I am going to call tomorrow as you said an try to get them to work with my PCP.
w0w0mg
Bluelighter
Hey I have been on MMT in the past and sometimes some benzos dont pop!
Anytime I took K-pins - I never popped for benzos on my urine tests (it was dip stick 10 panel test I believe).
Now, I do not know why this happens but it did for me.
Anytime I took xanax I would get that lovely intervention warning notice.
I am not condoning you to use k-pins for an attempt to still use benzos and pass a drug screen.
I'm just giving you my experience - Cheers mate.
Anytime I took K-pins - I never popped for benzos on my urine tests (it was dip stick 10 panel test I believe).
Now, I do not know why this happens but it did for me.
Anytime I took xanax I would get that lovely intervention warning notice.
I am not condoning you to use k-pins for an attempt to still use benzos and pass a drug screen.
I'm just giving you my experience - Cheers mate.
w0w0mg
Bluelighter
Also - MOST Methadone Clinics are a cash crate.
A dose of methadone is less than 1 USD.. but they love to charge you 15$+ a day for it.
Ask about state funding - I paid only 20$ a week.
A dose of methadone is less than 1 USD.. but they love to charge you 15$+ a day for it.
Ask about state funding - I paid only 20$ a week.
cj
Bluelight Crew
I don't think you will have any problems getting on the clinic initially even if your dirty for benzos. Most places don't give a fuck long as you have cash.
I'm thinking about kratom for the weekend and first few days- but everyone says it is extremely cheap yet when looking at doses and prices it doesn't seem so (maybe I am looking at the wrong item? Like not talking about a source but extract vs. leaf etc. I would not even have quite a triple digits to order (think 70-80% to triples after cable and electric and tobacco; would have to get BTCs or a pre-paid visa and have it shipped so it is here by friday morning the latest (I know no price talks and sources- just trying to figure out if I am calculating that I would be taking too big/too dangerous a dose because everyone says it is the cheapest maintanence? If this is too much I'm sorry and mods please remove it- I just hear from people it is cheaper to maintain than suboxone and I only pay a couple hundred for that visit and medicaid pays for subs).
In terms of danger and effectiveness, parts of plan:
Filter some suboxone 8 mg strips for IM injection up to 48-72 hours before the dose (I know IV half life is like a few hours on average and my pupils are huge about 5-6 hours after a mg and feel sick 100-120 minutes after.
Take gabapentin and stop taking diclaz on 6th. Took one of my RX adderall today (30mgs IR) and had to dose like 3 mgs today so like 1 tomorrow if bearable, then 1.5, the gabapentine 300mgs 6x a day with maybe 0.5 diclaz 1-2 days and maybe 0.25 one to two days. Did get a shit ton done though (studying compTIA, cleaning, walking across town, making lists, making phone calls) but until I'm at 60-80mgs can't see myself handling it daily- too wired. Too bad the one thing I get obscene (4-5x 30mg addy IRs a day) doses of sucks. Might take some morning of the first morning of the first methadone dose though as it make my pupils LARGE, they make me sweat, and I am hoping for a 40mg starting dose (maybe a fast ROI for a low (15mg) dose like insulfating, plugging etc,) to hold me (might work most of the day) but most likely will be 30mgs. Maybe even 20mgs. And they know I'm prescribed it (and said I need higher doses if I continue to take it but have no problem with it and the head nurse is a proponent of it for ADHD).
Then I get the clonidine on the 9th (2 days before first dose) and could take like 0.2 3x a day and maybe 0.25 before bed (four total doses) or maybe slightly higher.
Immodium- maybe a little more than it says on the box but not the "loperamide method."
Kratom- start the 8th, maybe IM subs fo0r 72 hours before I am supposed to stop.
Than take a moderate dose of kratom with this.
I see the GP on the 5th and am calling the clinic tomorrow to see if they will work with him. As far as what I say to him: "I am very afraid about this three day transition and don't want to do dope and get a class A felony for third offense (if caught in home state then it will be third personal- max 7.5-15; very often people get like 2-4 years on a plea). I have been prescribed gabapentin and clonidine for years now and have noticed when my anxiety increased during WDs when I was actively using I noticed that a slightly higher dose of clonidine and gaba really helped decrease my symptoms. Maybe if I was dosed somewhat higher (like 0,2 clonidine 4x per day and gabapentin 800mgs 4x times a day for the first six days then reduced a bit for three more then brought back to my normal dose it would help; then maybe something non-addictive for sleep (WDs give me INSANE insomnia) that my medicaid won't put up a fuss over then (maybe very low anti-psychs like Thoradine or Haldol (in LOW doses)) or if I'm really lucky/unlucky a short acting sleep med (the clinic tried to get my psychopharm to put me on kpins before- this time would have to be short acting so they clear the next day but that leaves alprazolam on the strong end and lorazepam on the very very weak end (they do make 2mgs my wife was recently prescribed them for a week) but still recommended for the same problem (WD from decreased dose causing anxiety insomnia- so for WD symptoms). Or who knows.
I know I'm thinking saying my plan for my doctor to consider (if he doesn't have one) is clondine, gabapentin, immodium, ibuprofen, melatonin, maybe something else the clinic considers. Don't know if I should mention kratom as in "by the way, I've heard of this legal very mild opioid- and while I normally wouldn't take it recrearionally (just three days then a drop in dose each raise (it used to be 5mg every 3 days last time till 80; like ten years ago it was 5 mgs a day till 80). I could try white grapefruit juice, unsweetend concentrate before going in and like 30 mins after coming out to make it hold me longer. But that could be an unpredictable game- and what do I do? reduce spoonfuls everyday? (I know that even when the dose isn't increased methadone builds up due to half-life and protein binding? I Know I could ask for 2 to 4 hours observation and get another 5-10mgs if WD symptoms present or at least NO sedation presents? But I feel like they may close too soon.
Sorry to go on- damn adderall I hate that shit. Will probably just take 7.5 to 15mgs the day before the test (at least last time they had a list of who tested tomorrow posted so if people worked, etc.) Mostly I don't want to do heroin and am stopping benzos (If I did 15,10,5,2.5mgs for the next four days I would have taken them thirty days). If prescribed in a low dose (like ativan 1mg 3x times a day for the weekend I would consider that as it is almost nothing and would have a little diclaz left if I had to do 0.5, 0.375,0.25,0.125 for four days after). But I want to be sober- no dope. Maybe I am already thinking of using though and just other things instead. But I just can't wait till I am on methadone, feel good, can take an adderall or to a day to study, gabapentin if sciatica or bad anxiety flares up, and the clondine for sleep/night anxiety.
Or is this just a really bad plan? Should I just as well try to do dope or fent b/c am I maybe thinking like an addict anyway? At AA someone literally told me "take perc 30s so you know what you are getting"- yeah right like I can afford those). Oddly, last time I was at the clinic there was a list of rules and what dependencies done could be used to treat were listed: bupe and done (as in street use) were both covered.
In terms of danger and effectiveness, parts of plan:
Filter some suboxone 8 mg strips for IM injection up to 48-72 hours before the dose (I know IV half life is like a few hours on average and my pupils are huge about 5-6 hours after a mg and feel sick 100-120 minutes after.
Take gabapentin and stop taking diclaz on 6th. Took one of my RX adderall today (30mgs IR) and had to dose like 3 mgs today so like 1 tomorrow if bearable, then 1.5, the gabapentine 300mgs 6x a day with maybe 0.5 diclaz 1-2 days and maybe 0.25 one to two days. Did get a shit ton done though (studying compTIA, cleaning, walking across town, making lists, making phone calls) but until I'm at 60-80mgs can't see myself handling it daily- too wired. Too bad the one thing I get obscene (4-5x 30mg addy IRs a day) doses of sucks. Might take some morning of the first morning of the first methadone dose though as it make my pupils LARGE, they make me sweat, and I am hoping for a 40mg starting dose (maybe a fast ROI for a low (15mg) dose like insulfating, plugging etc,) to hold me (might work most of the day) but most likely will be 30mgs. Maybe even 20mgs. And they know I'm prescribed it (and said I need higher doses if I continue to take it but have no problem with it and the head nurse is a proponent of it for ADHD).
Then I get the clonidine on the 9th (2 days before first dose) and could take like 0.2 3x a day and maybe 0.25 before bed (four total doses) or maybe slightly higher.
Immodium- maybe a little more than it says on the box but not the "loperamide method."
Kratom- start the 8th, maybe IM subs fo0r 72 hours before I am supposed to stop.
Than take a moderate dose of kratom with this.
I see the GP on the 5th and am calling the clinic tomorrow to see if they will work with him. As far as what I say to him: "I am very afraid about this three day transition and don't want to do dope and get a class A felony for third offense (if caught in home state then it will be third personal- max 7.5-15; very often people get like 2-4 years on a plea). I have been prescribed gabapentin and clonidine for years now and have noticed when my anxiety increased during WDs when I was actively using I noticed that a slightly higher dose of clonidine and gaba really helped decrease my symptoms. Maybe if I was dosed somewhat higher (like 0,2 clonidine 4x per day and gabapentin 800mgs 4x times a day for the first six days then reduced a bit for three more then brought back to my normal dose it would help; then maybe something non-addictive for sleep (WDs give me INSANE insomnia) that my medicaid won't put up a fuss over then (maybe very low anti-psychs like Thoradine or Haldol (in LOW doses)) or if I'm really lucky/unlucky a short acting sleep med (the clinic tried to get my psychopharm to put me on kpins before- this time would have to be short acting so they clear the next day but that leaves alprazolam on the strong end and lorazepam on the very very weak end (they do make 2mgs my wife was recently prescribed them for a week) but still recommended for the same problem (WD from decreased dose causing anxiety insomnia- so for WD symptoms). Or who knows.
I know I'm thinking saying my plan for my doctor to consider (if he doesn't have one) is clondine, gabapentin, immodium, ibuprofen, melatonin, maybe something else the clinic considers. Don't know if I should mention kratom as in "by the way, I've heard of this legal very mild opioid- and while I normally wouldn't take it recrearionally (just three days then a drop in dose each raise (it used to be 5mg every 3 days last time till 80; like ten years ago it was 5 mgs a day till 80). I could try white grapefruit juice, unsweetend concentrate before going in and like 30 mins after coming out to make it hold me longer. But that could be an unpredictable game- and what do I do? reduce spoonfuls everyday? (I know that even when the dose isn't increased methadone builds up due to half-life and protein binding? I Know I could ask for 2 to 4 hours observation and get another 5-10mgs if WD symptoms present or at least NO sedation presents? But I feel like they may close too soon.
Sorry to go on- damn adderall I hate that shit. Will probably just take 7.5 to 15mgs the day before the test (at least last time they had a list of who tested tomorrow posted so if people worked, etc.) Mostly I don't want to do heroin and am stopping benzos (If I did 15,10,5,2.5mgs for the next four days I would have taken them thirty days). If prescribed in a low dose (like ativan 1mg 3x times a day for the weekend I would consider that as it is almost nothing and would have a little diclaz left if I had to do 0.5, 0.375,0.25,0.125 for four days after). But I want to be sober- no dope. Maybe I am already thinking of using though and just other things instead. But I just can't wait till I am on methadone, feel good, can take an adderall or to a day to study, gabapentin if sciatica or bad anxiety flares up, and the clondine for sleep/night anxiety.
Or is this just a really bad plan? Should I just as well try to do dope or fent b/c am I maybe thinking like an addict anyway? At AA someone literally told me "take perc 30s so you know what you are getting"- yeah right like I can afford those). Oddly, last time I was at the clinic there was a list of rules and what dependencies done could be used to treat were listed: bupe and done (as in street use) were both covered.
Here is an update: I'm not using anything not prescribed to me right now. I went to court about the incident with my daughter yesterday and said that I did not want to speak much due to the pending criminal charges (misdemeanor child endangerment by neglect- yes, I know I am now officially a scumbag) other than I am attending AA meetings, going for counseling and medication based treatment at the local methadone clinic and have been calling and seeking counseling from the local counseling center). My wife presented that she was also attending AA meetings both with and without me (we both said we are attending both together and separately). She also presented the parenting classes that she signed us up for and that a message has been left for the departments LADAC (licensed alcohol and drug counselor). Then they talked about us ending up in the hospital and me ending up in the hospital twice. At that point, and maybe I shouldn't have said this, I said "your honor I don't remember ever being released from the hospital the first time." She responded, not as harshly as it will sound typed, that that is sort of disturbing and is part of a signal that you need help. Etc. Permanent guardianship was NOT granted which is what we were asking for, for it to remain temporary. She said she would set another date to review in 60-90 days. I'm sure I'll get a piece of certified mail for it.
My wife hasn't been staying here because of her fears that "she will not remain sober" and told me yesterday she is at her sponsors house right now, her sponsors sister is a nurse and is monitoring her (the benzos were only around at all, including her kpins for 4 weeks- for me half that was a taper and I didn't use an illegal drug to taper technically (on my bail paper it says no use of illegal drugs) as I us diclazipam to taper- so far (I'm just off it now and am on doc prescribed gabapentin- 300mgs 4x a day- after seeing my PCP yesterday he put me on an increase for the 4 days (the 72 hours of no suboxone plus one) he considers a danger time to 600mgs 3x a day (technically I still have my other gaba but I don't think I'm supposed to take it) and increased my clonidine to 0.2mgs 3x a day and said immodium could be a good ad on for the shits but at normal doses). Normally I am prescribed the gabapentin (as I mentioned) at 300mgs 3x a day and the clonidine at 0.1mgs 3x a day- both for anxiety so I don't take them religously as I don't want physical dependencies to them and am not physically dependent on them. I plan on taking the gaba from now till I've been on methadone a few days (so the dose can build up and I will probably get an increase) and tapering off or just jumping off. Same with the clonidine. Unless they say something at the clinic that contradicts that- I have my first appointment today at 11 (am getting picked up by medicaid cab service at 10:20).
Admittedly I ordered some red vein bali kratom from a respected vendor (8 oz.) just in case I need it during withdrawals- I would rather take that than heroin (one time caught with an illegal drug could catch me a class A felony at this point due to prior convictions). But hopefully it won't be needed.
My wife says she doesn't want to break up the family and wants to come and at least spend some nights with me- but I doubt her sponsor will go for that. As far as AA goes for me I have some numbers, I call some people- my sponsor said to call around 9:30 b/c he was at a meeting so I called at like 9:30 and 9:40 then left him a text and no answer. Someone else though talked to me for 45 minutes about chapter one of the big book and some other topics before he had to go to talk to his sponsor. The guy I talked to is awesome- he can relate to me somewhat (he was RXed morphine and hydros and drank alcohol (me not so much the alcohol- not never, still it probably does tend to lead to me taking other substances so I should avoid it- he was the same way, had a few beers then it was time for morphine) and he is intelligent and artistic (he is a psych major at a university I attended but only received 64 credits which I don't know if they are even valid anymore). He has picked me up for meetings, brought me to an art therapy group, and was going to give me the extra like 6 bucks to pay the overdue balance on the cable bill (but the grocery store said they couldn't take overdue payments so I had to go to their office and my father put in an extra 3 dollars to make it paid). Another AA member bailed me out when I couldn't get a hold of my parents and was driving me to meetings but now hasn't answered my calls in a few days (he impressed my parents with my actions so much my mother wanted to bake him cookies and meet him maybe have him over for dinner at their house). But that leaves 1 who really has been working with me. My wife is staying at a sponsors house and being taken care of, I saw the inside of that one person's apartment for 10 minutes once.
Now I have the electric to worry about (both bills are in her name and it would cost significant $ to switch them to mine, maybe $800) but it MAY be paid today. We are supposedly not in danger of shutoff and could work out a payment plan and also are working on getting electric and fuel assistance which shouldn't have been denied us, my wife has worked on this. She also called the cable company and got them to give use a deal where we get all the premium channels and a home phone (I just need the phone now) for the same price or less for a year (then the extra could be dropped). So she is working on these things but hasn't been staying with me. I don't know where I stand anymore. I am afraid of suddenly being in a condo where the lights go out and cable and I have no contact to the outside world (don't have a cell with minutes- have a smart phone but I need wifi to make and receive calls) My mother says to tell her either she comes home by like next thursdayish (as soon as I am stabilized on the methadone) but just talks about a job and roomate when I talk about bills under her name and switching over. My wife is also talking about a 28 day program, my mother says that would be different. My mother says be a man, don' let her push you around. I sort of have been ending a lot of calls with her when she goes on and on about the same thing lately and tell her I do love her though and wish she were here.
If I sound crazy, I sort of am. I am a felon with a spine that has been fractured in 4 places and have 3 degenerated, dessicated, sliding discs and an addiction problem. I am studying (slowly at this point b/c at first my dad said he would pay for the first the exams- so I could get compTIA A+ (two exams) and either network+ or security+ or server+; but now with everything going on he is not so sure) for a career in IT. I want to be in security (eventually penetration testing- malware analysis or as a back-up linux systems admin; I know I'd probably start at a help desk and that is fine (or at best buy as the geek squad- whatever, they pay like $14-15 to start)). My dad talks about looking for a job to pay for the certs now- the highly desired felon with injured spine who can't do physical labor; he says maybe someone in AA will have a job where they need someone to keep track of records or something in an office an will hire me. Mostly my calls don't even get answered.
So there it is- not taking anything not prescribed to me and seemingly things are worse than EVER.
My wife hasn't been staying here because of her fears that "she will not remain sober" and told me yesterday she is at her sponsors house right now, her sponsors sister is a nurse and is monitoring her (the benzos were only around at all, including her kpins for 4 weeks- for me half that was a taper and I didn't use an illegal drug to taper technically (on my bail paper it says no use of illegal drugs) as I us diclazipam to taper- so far (I'm just off it now and am on doc prescribed gabapentin- 300mgs 4x a day- after seeing my PCP yesterday he put me on an increase for the 4 days (the 72 hours of no suboxone plus one) he considers a danger time to 600mgs 3x a day (technically I still have my other gaba but I don't think I'm supposed to take it) and increased my clonidine to 0.2mgs 3x a day and said immodium could be a good ad on for the shits but at normal doses). Normally I am prescribed the gabapentin (as I mentioned) at 300mgs 3x a day and the clonidine at 0.1mgs 3x a day- both for anxiety so I don't take them religously as I don't want physical dependencies to them and am not physically dependent on them. I plan on taking the gaba from now till I've been on methadone a few days (so the dose can build up and I will probably get an increase) and tapering off or just jumping off. Same with the clonidine. Unless they say something at the clinic that contradicts that- I have my first appointment today at 11 (am getting picked up by medicaid cab service at 10:20).
Admittedly I ordered some red vein bali kratom from a respected vendor (8 oz.) just in case I need it during withdrawals- I would rather take that than heroin (one time caught with an illegal drug could catch me a class A felony at this point due to prior convictions). But hopefully it won't be needed.
My wife says she doesn't want to break up the family and wants to come and at least spend some nights with me- but I doubt her sponsor will go for that. As far as AA goes for me I have some numbers, I call some people- my sponsor said to call around 9:30 b/c he was at a meeting so I called at like 9:30 and 9:40 then left him a text and no answer. Someone else though talked to me for 45 minutes about chapter one of the big book and some other topics before he had to go to talk to his sponsor. The guy I talked to is awesome- he can relate to me somewhat (he was RXed morphine and hydros and drank alcohol (me not so much the alcohol- not never, still it probably does tend to lead to me taking other substances so I should avoid it- he was the same way, had a few beers then it was time for morphine) and he is intelligent and artistic (he is a psych major at a university I attended but only received 64 credits which I don't know if they are even valid anymore). He has picked me up for meetings, brought me to an art therapy group, and was going to give me the extra like 6 bucks to pay the overdue balance on the cable bill (but the grocery store said they couldn't take overdue payments so I had to go to their office and my father put in an extra 3 dollars to make it paid). Another AA member bailed me out when I couldn't get a hold of my parents and was driving me to meetings but now hasn't answered my calls in a few days (he impressed my parents with my actions so much my mother wanted to bake him cookies and meet him maybe have him over for dinner at their house). But that leaves 1 who really has been working with me. My wife is staying at a sponsors house and being taken care of, I saw the inside of that one person's apartment for 10 minutes once.
Now I have the electric to worry about (both bills are in her name and it would cost significant $ to switch them to mine, maybe $800) but it MAY be paid today. We are supposedly not in danger of shutoff and could work out a payment plan and also are working on getting electric and fuel assistance which shouldn't have been denied us, my wife has worked on this. She also called the cable company and got them to give use a deal where we get all the premium channels and a home phone (I just need the phone now) for the same price or less for a year (then the extra could be dropped). So she is working on these things but hasn't been staying with me. I don't know where I stand anymore. I am afraid of suddenly being in a condo where the lights go out and cable and I have no contact to the outside world (don't have a cell with minutes- have a smart phone but I need wifi to make and receive calls) My mother says to tell her either she comes home by like next thursdayish (as soon as I am stabilized on the methadone) but just talks about a job and roomate when I talk about bills under her name and switching over. My wife is also talking about a 28 day program, my mother says that would be different. My mother says be a man, don' let her push you around. I sort of have been ending a lot of calls with her when she goes on and on about the same thing lately and tell her I do love her though and wish she were here.
If I sound crazy, I sort of am. I am a felon with a spine that has been fractured in 4 places and have 3 degenerated, dessicated, sliding discs and an addiction problem. I am studying (slowly at this point b/c at first my dad said he would pay for the first the exams- so I could get compTIA A+ (two exams) and either network+ or security+ or server+; but now with everything going on he is not so sure) for a career in IT. I want to be in security (eventually penetration testing- malware analysis or as a back-up linux systems admin; I know I'd probably start at a help desk and that is fine (or at best buy as the geek squad- whatever, they pay like $14-15 to start)). My dad talks about looking for a job to pay for the certs now- the highly desired felon with injured spine who can't do physical labor; he says maybe someone in AA will have a job where they need someone to keep track of records or something in an office an will hire me. Mostly my calls don't even get answered.
So there it is- not taking anything not prescribed to me and seemingly things are worse than EVER.
slick_willy
Greenlighter
Best of luck to you mate, and remember that all the pain we experience is pain we are meant to experience, because there is something great waiting for us tomorrow but sometimes we have to go through some shit to get to the prize at the end. I wish you the best of luck with your fight and with your family.
Update: First, to the people I didn't respond to: nothing personal just going through a lot.
Interesting Kpins didn't show up on urines- I do love them but am trying to let them go (messed up a couple times and took 2-3mgs usually with some amount of soma and/or gabpentin). Now taking just a bit of gabapentin and clonidine as I end my benzo taper (none now but I do have some chloro-diazepam left, enough for a few more doses of taper (maybe 5 or more?) in case things go bad).
My wife stays away most nights. We met at a NA meeting (turns out there are more of them in town than we knew) and she was going to come back and spend time with me. But supposedly something I said triggered her (she has stopped taking subs, probably jumped off at 2mgs and wonders why she is sick, then was taking Kpins and says she stopped today (I fear for her stopping b/c she didn't taper and seemed to mow down huge amounts at times)). So now we are supposedly going to see each other at a AA meeting tonight- and she asked about soma (who she is staying with has it) and says she is going to try to bring me that and kpins. I know I shouldn't be taking them and at first I was like "I don't need them" but then (I was supposed to start the methadone clinic on monday now due to records being slow the soonest is next monday- did an experiment with taking kratom instead of subs Thursday and seemed to work for not being sick, especially with gabapentin; I've called all the offices and told them how urgent it is but one of them just says "our policy is thirty days" and I'm pissed and calling my doc direct as the clinic recommended). My wife says she doesn't want to break up but is just working on her sobriety/self.
So I've done better, most days just RX meds and finishing/finished benzo taper but messed up a few times. I am very frustrated and afraid about the clinic but feel once I'm on it it will work for me and I won't take other drugs especially once they get to like 50mgs.
Interesting Kpins didn't show up on urines- I do love them but am trying to let them go (messed up a couple times and took 2-3mgs usually with some amount of soma and/or gabpentin). Now taking just a bit of gabapentin and clonidine as I end my benzo taper (none now but I do have some chloro-diazepam left, enough for a few more doses of taper (maybe 5 or more?) in case things go bad).
My wife stays away most nights. We met at a NA meeting (turns out there are more of them in town than we knew) and she was going to come back and spend time with me. But supposedly something I said triggered her (she has stopped taking subs, probably jumped off at 2mgs and wonders why she is sick, then was taking Kpins and says she stopped today (I fear for her stopping b/c she didn't taper and seemed to mow down huge amounts at times)). So now we are supposedly going to see each other at a AA meeting tonight- and she asked about soma (who she is staying with has it) and says she is going to try to bring me that and kpins. I know I shouldn't be taking them and at first I was like "I don't need them" but then (I was supposed to start the methadone clinic on monday now due to records being slow the soonest is next monday- did an experiment with taking kratom instead of subs Thursday and seemed to work for not being sick, especially with gabapentin; I've called all the offices and told them how urgent it is but one of them just says "our policy is thirty days" and I'm pissed and calling my doc direct as the clinic recommended). My wife says she doesn't want to break up but is just working on her sobriety/self.
So I've done better, most days just RX meds and finishing/finished benzo taper but messed up a few times. I am very frustrated and afraid about the clinic but feel once I'm on it it will work for me and I won't take other drugs especially once they get to like 50mgs.
cj
Bluelight Crew
That sounds really rough