I feel so ashamed of myself for injecting again.

[AuraLee]

Pre-note: I have always been a pro-injecting enthusiast and I've had a lot of negative emotions in my life but "ashamed" isn't a common one. That's why this feels so weird to me.


Basically I've been free of heroin for 15 years, and on methadone since that time. I was injecting my methadone up until over a year and a half ago. A few little relapses in the last year but self-limiting.

I stopped because I couldn't get a vein any longer, had already moved to the neck. My feet had 2 ulcers from lack of blood flow (not infectious because they weren't where I hit up). I used to sit there for hours until I got a vein but then I got to the point where there just wouldn't be one and instead of 4-5 hours ---> get vein, it would be 3-4 hours --> fuck this. (Or have it rectally).

So now it's been at least 6-8 months since I tried to inject, but really a year and 3/4 since I broke the daily habit. I don't smoke cigs or weed, no uppers or hallucinogens, the very occasional 0.5mg of clonaz but other than that just methadone. Drinking the stuff was a huge achievement for me because I used to think it was a waste. But now I've even been able to reduce my dose down a bit.

Cut to yesterday:
The past few days I've had this bad toothache and been dealing with it with panadol and methadone. Yesterday I used some of that anesthetic mouthwash which was good but then I stupidly used it again, as soon as it wore off which I'm sure sent me into some kind of rebound effect.

The pain was AGONY. I'd already had something like 150% of my normal methadone dose and panadol before it was due so I had a mg of clonaz because my neck and jaw muscles and nerves were tightening, then 75mg of lyrica for the nerve pain. Still it wasn't helping and I was at my wits end. I've had plenty of toothaches but this was insane.
I went to my little stash box of midazolam and clonazepam ampoules intending to IM it to knock myself out. (Had these for a couple of years and not touched them!) The clonaz is iv only so I picked the midaz, then thought hmmm maybe I should just see if I have a vein...

*facepalm*

--------Line--was--crossed--here---------

The pain reduced but by this time I already had my equipment set up and was in the process so I was on the train to stabbyland.

I started off with a careful set up that wouldn't contaminate the drug with blood (prime the winged infusion set with sterile water) but soon got frantic enough that it was just me and a bloody syringe, stabbing myself here there and fishing back and forth. I have the luxury of being able to use each butterfly once only (yay needle exchanges) but I started using them 2-3 times due to franticness.

I failed in my arm, I failed in my legs and neck multiple times.

I ended up wheel filtering it a few times because the clots were killing the flow. Then ended up IMing in the arm. I woke up the next day and was like "WTF are those bruises on my leg?!" .... "Ohhhhhh that's right..."

FUCK! What about my neck?!

I was too scared to look. I hid under the covers in bed until 3:30 pm. Checked my neck, it's okay, no bruises but definite pinpricks.

I just can't believe I let myself go back to that frantic place. The amount of gains I had made is phenomenal and now I feel like a piece of shit; the kinda way that used to make me want to hit up in my neck.

I DONT WANT TO GO BACK THERE!!!!!
(But maybe inside I do.) ?

Gains: (in chronological order)
1) finished my uni degree
2) got a professional job in healthcare
3) Stopped injecting methadone
4) Drinking my dose and not feeling like it's a waste.
5) having my dose at the same time each day
6) reducing my intake to the dose I'm technically prescribed
7) Reducing my dose further.
8) about to finish my post grad

I'm so fucking scared. I feel lost.... I feel like I'm on the precipice of going forward or backwards and the backwards is what I know. Maybe it's all my destiny will ever be.

My life is full of failures and I just want to crawl into a hole but I've wasted too much of my life already. The fight to break away takes too much effort and strength that I'm not sure I have.

I was meant to put in my job application for a detox unit today. My dream job and I have experience and qualifications to get it but I feel like fraud. Knowing me I won't apply and instead let this rare opportunity pass by.

 

[mostly-human]

That's dark. But, when I have similar struggles after a 'lapse', I think positive thoughts are simply more productive than negative ones. I don't mean that in some hippy bullshit kind of way - it's just that, personally I find, if I splip up, I find if I can think about all the achievements and get back into the frame of mind that I'm actually on tract, then I am motivated positively again and less likely to turn a lapse into a relapse. But if I get down about a lapse and start thinking I've failed, and it's a cycle and inevitable and all that downer shit, then I am far more likely to give in to that and turn a small lapse into a full blown relapse.

So, it sounds like you're actually doing really fucking well, despite this dark dark post, it actually sounds like you've got a lot to be happy about, so I think just try your best to know that you're actually doing well and you're not going to keep fucking up, just but a bump in the road. Good luck.

 

[AuraLee]

Thanks. I am pretty sure I won't try that again but only because I know I can't get a vein. I choose to believe that because the alternative is going for the groin and if that starts it won't stop until my legs have no blood supply.

It's just the slide back that fucks with my head. The desperation of injecting in the neck... Just that desperate but singleminded mindset.

I guess it's the feeling a lot of people have: "am I just broken inside? Am I doomed to keep failing, again and again?"

How long does it take before you think why didn't I kill myself when I first thought of it? I always thought I'd achieve good things in my life but as I age, I'm scared I will be left behind.

It has taken so long at each point to get anywhere. Unemployed for 15 years. Got my degree - unemployed for 3.5 years. Got a 1 year contract - been unemployed for just over a year. How do I explain that? My lack of motivation has me sleeping my life away.

I feel like I'm not good enough, not capable enough. All this was hiding under the surface. I feel boxed in but I shouldn't.

I know I could fix all my problems if I tried. I'm in a good place. But I can't muster up the strength or the energy.

 

[mostly-human]

Yes, it's a sad feeling watching your life slip away, especially knowing that it's essentially a result of your own decisions. Early on you think; it's ok, I'll get past this and I'll still do great things, then you put that aside - and eventually you're just saying - eventually I'll get past this and I'll still do things! Eventually you're not sure of much any more. But - I often look at it this way; it's probably not the right way to look at these things, but anyway, I often think to myself, even if I'm getting to point in my life decades or more later than I'd have liked, I'm still part of a lucky majority, when it comes to a global population. Even once squandered opportunities through a wasted life are accounted for, I'm still ahead, on a global scale. The reality is, Australians occupy the top 1% of the global average wage (averaged across total global population, not total countries). We, even those of us that make nothing but poor choices, we're still living a very privileged life and even later into that life, even with such a slow start, our opportunities are still in excess of most peoples.


Of course, the flip-side is it can be depressing to think about how good we've had it and how much we blew it. But there's no good of thinking that way, does nothing for anyone. So I guess just be thankful for what you have, accept what/who you are, and try and do the best you can. not much else to do about it.

 

[AuraLee]

@mostly-human: Thanks A LOT for your words because it really helped. It's great that there are so many supportive and likeminded ppl here.

I totally identify with everything you said and I go through every one of those thoughts, too. Lately, my motto has been "Just keep moving forward" because the fact is I'm getting somewhere, it's just taking a fuckload of time. So as long as I'm moving in a forward direction, who the fuck cares?

I worked out what happened. I reckon the influx of benzos (5mg midaz and 1ng clonaz) caused a comedown effect because I was so teary and my emotions were all over the place. It got me worried because methadone was what leveled out my mood swings so I was like "what if I end up like this after the wds, after the PAWS..." but now I have perspective and I'm pretty sure it was a biochemical reaction.

Now my main worry is what's gonna happen after I taper off the methadone after 15+ years; whether I'll end up back on the H or emotionally up and down. Or just anhedonic even after the PAWS. I guess I worry I'll lose control because methadone is definitely what controls my cravings - can't use H when you're on methadone, it's a waste. And the done also settles my emotions, though too much because I'm too blank to be able to react socially. It's like it's all an act.

Maybe everything will feel less of a struggle when this methadone isn't weighing me down...

 

[pharmacybandit]

You will likely be pleasantly surprised how easier and better things will be off of the methadone. I found this true for myself, with Suboxone, after being on it for a couple of years. It wasn't hard to come off of it because I was just so ready to, but in the past when the next few days/weeks had been kind of shitty, once I got over that I started feeling great. I hope the same comes to you. You've got nothing to feel ashamed of, it sounds like you really want to leave this behind and you've got a lot of good things in front of you. Good luck to you!

 

[Dresden]

Hate to quote such an obvious 12-step / "recovery" platitude, but "we are only as sick as our secrets."

 

[mostly-human]

Lately, my motto has been "Just keep moving forward" because the fact is I'm getting somewhere, it's just taking a fuckload of time. So as long as I'm moving in a forward direction, who the fuck cares?

Yeah - absolutely. I think in countries like Australia, USA, etc - we have all this television and such, convincing us we're all individually 'special', 'chosen' - etc. Pretty much everyone I know thinks that during primary school and high school that their teachers though they had a huge amount of potential. Even though teachers say this shit to everyone, it's like all our schools, media, parenting etc - everything is designing to make us set our individual bar of achievement very fucking high. Early on we expect all kinds of fantastical experiences for ourselves, even when we age and get a little more realistic with our lives, we still judge ourselves very harshly. Reality is - there's a huge amount of people out there, doing menial, boring work their whole lives, never achieving 'financial' success - or even finding a job/career that makes them happy or feel satisfied. People drive out cabs, answer phones at call centres, etc. Plenty of people never work, or struggle to their whole lives.

We just live in a society that tells us to expect a lot, that makes us feel entitled to a lot. And when you're not seeing it all in your life, it's really fucking easy to get depressed. I think first-world countries have staggeringly high rates of suicide.


Anyway - sounds like you've found a better place in your mind again - so very glad to hear that. It sucks so much that you only have to be feeling down / depressed / defeated for a tiny fraction of your time, to make a shitty decision, even if 99.9% of the time you're on the ball and doing the right thing, it only takes a minute to fuck up. But - so long as you can recover, mentally - and keep moving forward as you say, then you're doing fine.


Good luck with the methadone, emotions are definitely an issue with PAWS, sometimes when I'm in WD, I feel teary watching cheesy romance movies lol - and I'm a full grown man!

My wife is still on methadone, not looking forward to when she'll nee to come off. But hey, methadone is a fucking blessing too, so, at least it's been there and I'm sure you'll eventually cope coming off it, it's just difficult, but that's why we stay on it for so long; to help prepare the mind for what comes after.