I feel really guilty about taking drugs now but also hate living life like a mormon

[Harambulus]

I feel like some evangelical little shit these days. Ive reordered my belief system such that now i feel guilty about taking any substance to alter my consciousness yet I have nothing in my life which consistently gives me happiness so i feel like a hollow shell- like those charicatures of the religious people who are so uptight you can tell they are constantly battling their desires to keep a lid on them. I have no women and my business is a miserable failure. I suck at playing my instrument and life generally feels meaningless and empty.

So I feel just trapped nearly all the time.

Since everything seems pointless I am not motivated to try new things. The stuff I currently do is all I want to do- ie work and try and fail to get pussy. If I was a success at both of those Id be happy but im so depressed I just get demotivated before I can make any progress. I feel like a poor emaciated man able to see an oasis far far in the distance which would offer me balm for the soul yet im so weak the distance never seems to get any closer.

At least when I took drugs it reminded me what it was like to feel good.

Ive been trying out 5-htp and l tyrosine but those two have an understandably very low ceiling of effects. the l tyrosine was decent at first it gave me a nice rush for about 30 mins to an hour which reminded me of speed but now that has diminished.

I dont want any shitty antidepressants which id just take indeifnately like some automaton then get brainzaps and be worse off once i finished taken them.

I feel like i want to take drugs again just to get antoehr feeling of what its like to feel decent for once but i also feel like a failure if i do that and so guilt trip myself every day that its 'naugty and forbidden; to even have such thoughts. Likewise if i dont take anything i feel like dogshit. So everything just feels wrong basically.

Since ive been taken the 5-htp and tyrosine tho is the first time in a long time i felt a little wisp of life but its like a tease since it only tickles my senses a little then diminishes.

So I dont really know how to proceed to make myself feel better cos i seem to have beaten myself into a corner. The superego has taken charge and is running amok!!!!

Whenever I would post about something like this or speak to ppl they always bang on about 'you must find things you find fulfiling blah blah' but like i say im so demotivated even in the stuff i know i should be doing finding new routines seems really daunting.

 

[FluoTox]

Don't beat yourself up. Be kind to yourself

You don't have to feel the shame. It's just a product of what you think, that others expect from you. It's important what you expect of yourself! Only you know the story of your life! Whats right for you might be wrong for all the others. So do yourself a favor and don't judge yourself by means of others agenda.

Anyway, I can give you this one advice which works for me and may be of interest for you.
It's a really simple and I believe, you have already heard/read about it, but the lack of motivation and depression prevented you from just doing it.

Exercise will do wonders! It's a healthy source of wellbeing. The best part of it, it comes from INSIDE yourself. So you don't have to rely on anyone(or anything)other than yourself to be happy. That means you are in full control of how you want to feel.

It's a key to stability, satisfaction and boosts your self-esteem.

In your situation it might seem like a impossible act to pull off some exercise. But let me tell you out of experience, that only the start is hard. First, you need to build the positive association between "ever growing wellbeing" and "exercise" for yourself. Otherwise you have no reason to genuinely believe it will help you out of your situation.

The way I could create this positive association, was to experience the effects of exercise in an acute situation of intense negative emotions.
When I get really depressed/sad/angry and it builds up to the point where it gets unbearable, instead of going the drug-route, I start make push ups till I can't anymore. Then wait for 1 minute and again do as much as I can. Repeat it over and over till I am totally exhausted - that's the important factor, to be totally exhausted.
Take ALL the negative energy and use it productively to form positive energy. Find what suits you the best. Maybe some jogging is more your thing?

I could now go on and tell you, how you may be feeling after this, but I think you should see and judge for yourself if exercise is useful in your situation.

It's my life saver which finally got me out of my hole( after 4 years of crushing depression), so maybe it's worth a try?

Much power and love to you