I suppose the true test of my newfound strength was tonight. I went over to the exes place to take his cat to the emergency vet. When I got back, I had the opportunity to steal from his "pharmacy" of pills. The guy's on everything, it seems. Morphine (the 12 hour stuff), lortab and gabapentin. He went outside and I started sweating. I knew those damn pills were there. I picked up a bottle, which ended up being a potassium supplement, but quickly told myself to stop. I walked right out of that room and left. I'm glad it was a vitamin bottle I saw, or I wonder if I would have succumbed to my old ways.
I sure thought about it, though. I kept thinking of how much pain I'm in and how great it would be to have a little relief. But I know that there is no such thing. One leads to two, two leads to three and so on. I have taken 6 at a time when my tolerance gets to that point. I suffered through the WD's and still have moments where I feel like shit.
BUT!
Even though my sneaking behavior is still there, I can celebrate the fact that I stopped myself this time.
Also celebrate-worthy...
My "stoner buddy" texted me tonight and asked me to come over and smoke some weed. I told him no thanks, that I was committed to sobriety and bid him a good night.
Somehow, I think my first step, which was getting out of that awful marriage has given me a newfound power and strength. I walked away with nothing more than my pets, clothes and my pride to escape a verbally/emotionally abusive relationship. It also cut off the source of the seemingly endless free drugs. They were replaced with a valid prescription, but I feel that it's time to let go of that demon.
I won't lie and say that I don't miss those goddamn pills or the weed! But I will say that I know my life is going to be much better without them. I have some big plans for the future and I'll be damned if I screw it up over some stupid pill.
But, I'm stubborn. And it is exactly what I need to be right now. Stubborn enough to not let my guard down no matter how much I crave, no matter how much I hurt. I'm in massive pain right now and I'm coping (although badly) with ibuprofen and my heating pad.
I may be the daughter of a Mom who was an addict, but I am also my father's daughter. My Dad is a tough old guy who refuses to take anything even after surgery. The part of my Dad in me is what's going to get me through this, because I'm doing it alone so far. But it feels great to have control again. Control to stop, control not to give in.
It's not over. I'm sure there will be more challenges ahead. But I'm taking it one day at a time and enjoying the scenery, which is very pretty without those damned pills!
I sure thought about it, though. I kept thinking of how much pain I'm in and how great it would be to have a little relief. But I know that there is no such thing. One leads to two, two leads to three and so on. I have taken 6 at a time when my tolerance gets to that point. I suffered through the WD's and still have moments where I feel like shit.
BUT!
Even though my sneaking behavior is still there, I can celebrate the fact that I stopped myself this time.
Also celebrate-worthy...
My "stoner buddy" texted me tonight and asked me to come over and smoke some weed. I told him no thanks, that I was committed to sobriety and bid him a good night.
Somehow, I think my first step, which was getting out of that awful marriage has given me a newfound power and strength. I walked away with nothing more than my pets, clothes and my pride to escape a verbally/emotionally abusive relationship. It also cut off the source of the seemingly endless free drugs. They were replaced with a valid prescription, but I feel that it's time to let go of that demon.
I won't lie and say that I don't miss those goddamn pills or the weed! But I will say that I know my life is going to be much better without them. I have some big plans for the future and I'll be damned if I screw it up over some stupid pill.
But, I'm stubborn. And it is exactly what I need to be right now. Stubborn enough to not let my guard down no matter how much I crave, no matter how much I hurt. I'm in massive pain right now and I'm coping (although badly) with ibuprofen and my heating pad.
I may be the daughter of a Mom who was an addict, but I am also my father's daughter. My Dad is a tough old guy who refuses to take anything even after surgery. The part of my Dad in me is what's going to get me through this, because I'm doing it alone so far. But it feels great to have control again. Control to stop, control not to give in.
It's not over. I'm sure there will be more challenges ahead. But I'm taking it one day at a time and enjoying the scenery, which is very pretty without those damned pills!
