i feel numb and empty!

[manic88]

Ive been using and abusing stimulants for a few years. Started with amphetamines as a misguided attempt at maintaining weight loss... come off them and ate even more and never felt right afterwards... then prescribed ritalin which i abused for a year and a half. Ceased... but ended back on them at a much lower dose.

Problems.

I have felt 'scattered' on or off ritalin. I have buzzing sensations in my legs, twitches or fasiculations i think they are referred to as, i still have a terrible appetite and consume ridiculous amounts of sugar even though im on this stimulant... but less than if i was off. Today things took a huge dive.

for whatever reason ive become catatonic. Ive clicked and realised ive been staring at the wall. Everythings gone numb, grey, dull... i feel nothing. There are extended periods of true blanks in my mind. I dont feel sad nor happy... no anxiety. I just feel nothing. I sit on the couch completely thoughtless half the time just staring. I dont know what the hell is going on its like i wokeup without my personality. I was always fucked up and scattered and all over the place with weird thoughts... but i still had some kind of sense and feeling of ME. I wokeup empty and i dont know what the fuck has caused it. Im only on 35 mgs of ritalin today. Any insight? any similar experiences. As i type this im not scared nor anxious and have absolutely no feeling... but its like im driven instinctively to ask and try to get some insight... but theres no feeling of fear or anxiety behind this.

 

[NotQuiteAnonymous]

i've had the leg twitches they can be caused by fluctuations in blood sugar, vitamin/mineral or electrolyte imbalances.

Were you in a room with any sort of blinking/flashing light including flourescent lighting when this episode occured?

Have you ever been diagnosed with unusual brain activity OR do you have any childhood memories of adults snapping or clapping in your face like you'd been blankly staring and not paying attention?

Drugs like ritalin and amphetamines can lower the seizure threshold in normal people to the point where seizures can be triggered by flickering or blinking lights. if you have blanked before especially as a child you should see a doctor to make sure you aren't experiencing absence seizures.

Finally, i would like to encourage you to try to start your day with a nutritious high fiber and low sugar meal. This has helped me break the sugar and food binging cycle that previously ruled my life. What you eat for breakfast directly affects your blood sugar levels for the rest of the day. if you eat too much sugar 1st thing in your day you eventually crash necessitating ingestion of more sugar to feel ok again. Finally, High Fructose Corn Syrup is something you should eliminate from your diet completely (if you
consume it). You should feel much more regulated once you do.

 

[Jabberwocky]

Sounds like this might be neurological. Maybe you have what I call a noisy temporal lobe. Could be a focal epilepsy.

It is sounding like you are almost enjoying this phenomenon or at least have a detached indifference. My biggest concern is that you not drive while such things are happening a lot. It is definitely something that ought to be mentioned to a physician next time you see one. Temporal lobe phenomena can also be deja vu, jamais vu, distortions in time or space perception, color intensity changes, and feeling like you sense a presence among other things. Do you have any other temporal lobe signs like those?

 

[Tunnelfission]

I've heard that ritalin specifically can lead to this type of apathy

 

[Ne0]

You might have developing schizophrenia (these are the first signs). I've had all the first signs of schizophrenia and I'm in my 20's.

 

[MeddieFrac]

I'm so sorry. I can completely empathize. I don't feel as bad right now but I have been there. I wish you could get Euthanasia pills at the drug store because I would have used them a long time ago, and there are a lot of people suffering who I would like to see end their pain.

I have nothing to say to help, but do NOT go to a psychiatric ward. Do out-patient with a psychiatrist, but once you go a psych ward you get stuck in a cycle and will more than likely but put in a psych ward several more times in your life. I'm in my twenties, and when they put me in psych wards I meet normal looking people in their 50's who say they have been in and out their entire lives, and not because they are suicidal or dangerous, because the doctor wants to 'adjust their medications.'

Unless you REALLY need to go, stay away from psych wards.

 

[Jaimes]

Ive just used crack once - the first time - 2-3 weeks ago and I ve been in this apathetic unfeeling sad couch state since then! Its scary to read ur post. I hope I get over this.

 

[TriggerHappy]

this has everything to do with the medication. you need to stop taking ritalin for awhile. something tells me that you're going to object to this. however, the medication is having the opposite effect than which it is intended. your brain needs to recover and perhaps you must take a break from all amphetamines. from the way you worded your post, i think you know this already.

2 months ago i was diagnosed ADD and prescribed adderral. after experimenting with it every which way, your state seems similar to the end stages of the meds, end of a binge, or after not sleeping/eating. it is common.

just got home from a meditation class, and it was a very interesting experience, meditating while high on amps. learned a lot.

are you prepared to take a break?

 

[manic88]

Wow i didn't realise anyone had replied to this. But i really appreciate it. Im still as lost and spaced out as ever. Still taking ritalin.... Ive concluded that after years of sleep deprivation, abuse of this prescription medicine... and other stimulants preceeding this, the extreme binge drinking episodes... my brain has just had enough. When i first start taking ritalin at a normal dose... i felt sharp, my emotions were intact and even heightend... and now i guess after all this time and abuse its having the opposite effect. Im half awake zoning in and out of whatever activity im attempting to engage in... usually sitting on the couch watching tv. There is no drive and urge to try and change things, its hard try and think about the right course of action because my mind is blank and my judgement isn't really there.... im going to follow my instincts... come off this shit and hopefully my brain will reward me for doing so in time. Anyone who uses adderall or ritalin... dont abuse this shit... what goes up must come down, not only do you lose therapeutic effect that you may have needed... you may become an empty fucking shell of yourself like i have.

 

[manic88]

You might have developing schizophrenia (these are the first signs). I've had all the first signs of schizophrenia and I'm in my 20's.

Yeah im really starting to think this is a possibility. The jumbled up thoughts in my brain are a concern. Everything feels unreal, like a dream, i feel so disorientated and disconnected from the world.. i KNOW my train of thought isn't normal at all. I can seem normal and on an intellectual level im still capable of engaging... but my emotions are dulled, and my thoughts are just fucking strange.