I feel my mind wants me dead

[littleefoxx]

First of all, I'd like to introduce myself. My name is Robert. I've been suffering with issues such as depression and bipolar for the past several years. I sometimes have hallucinations and I often see vivid images of murder and rape. I usually smoke marijuana to get rid of these thoughts for a period of time, but I can't always get my hands on it. I've often resorted to popping and snorting pills to get my mind off of things. (My body has issues with digesting pills so I actually get more of insufflation.) These issues have become more and more serious with each years passing. I can't remember the last time I went through a single day without depression attacking me at least once. I've been to a mental hospital and several therapists and they all give me the same bullshit program that is state standard from a piece of paper, and I personally do not think it works at all. I've tried several, probably hundreds of different coping skills and methods and all have failed. I've lost friends due to these issues and I've nearly went over the edge. I feel I'm lucky I haven't commited suicide (sorry if any of this is triggering)

Also, I'm new so I deeply apologize if anything I've said here is out of place or not allowed.

Anyone have any real suggestions?

~Robert

EDIT: By the way, this is not really a sensitive subject for me. You can voice your opinion in any way you like.

 

[Mysterie]

i have depression and have been diagnosed bipolar aswell, and do you overall feel less anxious/depressed smoking weed?

because for me and most people with those conditions, smoking weed at all, worsens my mental state a lot. when im high i enjoy myself usually, but it's after effects make me really stressed out which makes everything in my life worse

how is your diet? do you eat lots of fresh fruit and veg? do you eat much processed food or junk food?

do you exercise much? it could be a good idea to try go for a long walk in a park every day, or go for a run / swimming, some activity at least most days.

our minds will throw lots of thoughts at us on a consistent basis, but we have the choice of latching onto them (which creates a chain of new thoughts/anxieties/emotions), or just focusing on something else (breathing for example) which breaks that cycle

are you currently on any medications?

i recommend trying 15 mins of some form of meditation every day (this is an archived thread on meditation with some useful tips). this helps me to learn more about the workings of my mind, and learn ways to avoid falling into depressive loops. i think its a magic fix basically for these kinds of disorders, just have to have enough patience and determination to give it a fair trial.

do you have things during the day you can occupy your time with in a productive way? drawing/playing an instrument/reading books/crafts/writing. even a job can be cathartic to get you out of your head for a bit, doing hands on stuff is great

sobriety makes you more vulnerable, in a sense, to your emotions. but its the best thing long term imo

goes without saying prbly but i dont think suicide is a gd option either

 

[littleefoxx]

I thought I previously mentioned that I've tried several types of medications as well. Basically what I'm asking for is some kind of magic trick, to be completely honest. But to answer your questions..

I feel much better altogether when I smoke. I'm more alive and free and it's the best distraction.

I come from a poor family so I don't have much flexibility on what I eat, but I do get the required nutrients. I'm not malnourished in any way and I like to consider myself healthy in terms of medical.

I generally walk at least 30 miles a week. Sometimes I push myself to my absolute limit, sometimes it's a walk around the park. (Oh, and I can't swim.)

No medications right now, no.

Fixing computers is generally my go-to thing. I've been messing with computers since I was a little kid and it's always been a 'safe place' so-to-speak for me. But I keep my computers in peak shape, and not many people come to me wanting help so I generally sit here and rebuild PCs over and over. I also love drifting away with some nice Pink Floyd of Scorpions a lot of times. (Any melodic classic rock)

And no one will ever have to worry about me committing suicide. It's not an option for me, I actually enjoy my life. It's just the thoughts that kind of get irritating.

I hope this answers your questions

~Robert

 

[P.o.T.u.S]

I feel u on the negative thought pattern but as stated earlier the weed cant be helping of course u feel better when ur high who doesnt? I have to say ive just gotten used to my depression and not to expect to much outta life.set small goals, try and find a good girl, start a family,get fucked up when my resposibilities allow..that just my thoughts on the subject and what im doin

 

[littleefoxx]

That's a good plan for the future but I still live with my parents and I have no financial situation at all. Several reasons around here I can't get a job but I appreciate the suggestion. This shit has just constantly been a build up and the past few days, I haven't been wanting to do anything. I'm usually more active and social but I just haven't given a single fuck.

I've always been a huge optimist on everything. Maybe this is just a phase in my life that will pass, I sure do hope so...

 

[P.o.T.u.S]

"This to shall pass"or something like that its been a long time, a girl i dated had that tattoo on her hip lol and that is true it is a phase and u will get over it and i know its hard now but life is about perspective and the only way to be truly happy is dont play a victim to this world.take responsibility of your life and make it your paradise.only u have the power to change%)