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I feel like this is the only place that might begin to understand what Im feeling.

C

ChemicalRomantic

Greenlighter
Joined
Feb 17, 2008
Messages
12
Hello. Id like to introduce myself and tell my story. Maybe get some help or you guys can console me. Bare with me though, Im pretty distraught in my current state and have been sobbing at my computer for 20 minutes in order to post this.

I dont even know where to begin. Growing up I was a straight edge kid. I didnt touch any drugs or alcohol until I graduated high school. I graduated in 07 and we're in 2012. I didnt start doing them because I wanted to get high. I have panic disorder. I am anxious and shy. Ive never even kissed a girl Im so shy. No Im not gay and Im not ugly (or so Im told) but even introducing myself to people is a chore.

I grew up in an emotionally abusive home. My parents were good but they were always working and left me in the care of an older sister who was terribly abusive. For the first 14 years of my life I was made to feel unlovable, sick, disgusting, repulsive. These feelings didnt help make friends in school. Im surprised I have friends.

In 2008 in college I started messing around with drugs. Whatever you had, I wanted some. I wasnt anxious, I was social, I was funny and I felt good about myself. I felt human. I dropped out and for the past 4 years havent done much else. I get high off everything and anything I can find.

Now Im 23 and wanting to get clean but whats the point? I have no money and a 4 year employment gap. Whenever I do get job interviews, I go in as sober as possible and they give me some BS about calling me back but whos gonna hire someone whos anxiety ridden and gets drunk and high in between? Im still getting high and drunk as often as possible. One day Im stoned, the next Im drunk and prescription pills in the middle. Benzos were the worst thing ever. They make it so your never hungover and you can just keep drinking.
Im alone and everyone else is moving on. Ive been seriously consdering killing myself.

I dont want to be a burden anymore but Ive fucked up. Fucked up bad. Im slowly inching into bad areas to gain money. Ive driven drunk numerous times and I just want to end it. I dont even wanna leave the house anymore. Everyone and everything reminds me of my failures as a human being. Im glad my parents are as awesome as they are. I would kicked me to the curb awhile ago. I dont wanna burden them or anyone else anymore.

Im sorry if this has been a long scatter brained post. I dont know what I wanted to accomplish by posting this. Maybe just talk to someone that can understand.
 
I responded to a thread like this yesterday but I don't mind doing it again. You're 23! Don't write yourself off for Christ's sake. And don't consider killing yourself believe me things will get better. So you've got a gap in your CV. Well I've got to careful here as lying on your CV is a criminal offense in the UK but get creative. Say you've been travelling, working on a novel or anything. And if you're getting loaded between interviews believe me people will tell. You've got to tell yourself 'I'm going to get this job' and sell yourself. If not, why not go back to college? Sounds like you've got some anxiety issues and I can relate to that. Benzos might seem like a Godsend but the payback is horrendous. You say you've got friends so you must have something going for you.

I suggest finding out what you really want to do with your life and go to any lengths to get it. If that means going back to college then do it. One of my friends started university at 24 after he went a but bonkers in his early twenties. He's now an osteopath. The only thing stopping you getting on is you. You're a young guy and the economy isn't great so don't beat yourself up. As for girls, some ladies find shyness endearing, not everyone likes cocky alpha males. So head up mate, you're way too young to throw in the towell. A bit of self worth and you'll be fine. If you are that anxious, go and talk to someone about it as it sounds like it is affecting your life severely. Good luck mate, I'm rooting for you!
 
I think you are going to have to tackle sobriety first. You have it in you to be funny and social because the drugs only served to let your anxiety go for a while--they didn't manufacture those aspects of your personality. The anxiety issues are the problem that led to the drugs but unfortunately you can't effectively get help for those when you are still getting high to avoid them. It's a tough spot to be in (and one that many people here are going through or have gone through themselves) but you can find help.

Check out these two threads: Octsober and this one. Maybe they can help give you some support.

Have you tried therapy for the anxiety? If you can find a therapist that teaches mindfulness techniques, that could really help right now.

I'm sorry that you are feeling so terribly trapped right now. You are going to have to summon up the courage to rebuild hope. From the outside we can see that there is plenty of reason to be hopeful for you but I know it doesn't look like it from inside. Hang in there and keep talking to people here, OK?<3
 
I'm twenty five and have gone through a very rough life. I've attempted twice, obviously still here..
Life is only as bad as you choose for it to be (when you are old enough to control it). You only go through hardships to prove to yourself, NOT OTHERS, what you are capable of. When you are at peace with yourself you will be at peace with everything. PM me if you want to talk away from prying eyes. I may not respond immediately, but I will.
 
Hey there, im 23 also... and i have gone thru some very similar things as you and i can sympathize with you on the fact that using makes you feel "normal", well thats a relative term, meaning its different for everyone depending on there situation. About the Job interviews, its not just you partner jobs have become quit the rarity, many many people are having trouble getting that "call back". i hope that didn't sound like i was belittling your issues, i insure you i am not.

I dont want to be a burden anymore but Ive fucked up. Fucked up bad. Im slowly inching into bad areas to gain money. Ive driven drunk numerous times and I just want to end it. I dont even wanna leave the house anymore. Everyone and everything reminds me of my failures as a human being. Im glad my parents are as awesome as they are. I would kicked me to the curb awhile ago. I dont wanna burden them or anyone else anymore.
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that is word for word my family life, and im probably still alive because my parent STILL care after 9 years of my bullshit (enough about me) i know its hard to deal with some of the bad decisions you made but ill say this ( i know you have probably herd it a million times) you can not change what is in the past it is done, dwelling on it, and your beating yourself up... i know easier said than done, i still deal with the regret on a day to day basis.

A lot of your issues i can only make mere suggestions as to what could help, because like i said i am dealing with them too, still. BUT there is one issue i can help you with a definite answer: self harm or suicide, that is a permanent fix to a temporary problem! trust me i know things are tough but you dont want end it. and i dont want to just sound like some school councilor but you do have things to live for and there are medications that will help you with the phycological issues.

mainly just know you are not even CLOSE to alone! feel free to PM me if you would like to talk... be cool;)
 
Get sober, and get help for your anxiety/panic/social anxiety. Things will get better for you.

Don't feel bad about not finding work. I have a degree, a few years of experience, and other things that would help you find a job but even I can't find one. I've learned that even if you send out say 500 resumes you'll maybe only hear back from 1-3, and the number you'll actually get interviewed for can be from 0-1.

I know people who have advanced degrees, and decades worth of work experience in their field and even they can't find work, are getting laid off, or are working for a bit above minimum wage at a job that they should be the manager of and they're not getting promoted.
 
Thanks for the responses. I have been trying to get help with my anxiety issues, this is how I got the benzos and guanfacine. Guanfacine isnt really abuseable it just keeps me from sweating through my clothes from the anxiety but the benzos are just so easy to fall in love with.

I want to get sober and get back to working out. I used to be in such good shape before I began binging on drugs and booze. Now Im just a psychical and emotional mess.

Did/do any of guys ever go through the "one last hit/drink" mentality where you want to go out and party one last time and quit? Thats what Im going through right now and its hard to shake considering I have a stash. Im not currently addicted to anything though, thankfully Ive weened myself off of benzos but theyre still in my possession, which worries me.

Im sorry for the scatter brain post once again, I only come on bluelight when my mind wanders to dark places.
 
I'm quite like you. I also graduated from high school in 2007. I'm 22 now. I havent done shit in this five years since I graduated from high school, even though I definetly have above-average inteligence. When I was a kid or a teen many people told me that I had so much potential and I was gonna accomplish many things when I grew up. I havent done shit with my "potential". I'm unemployed. I have almost 4 year unemployment gap.
I come from a a home that wasnt really abusive, but wasnt encouraging either. I was pretty much ignored by parents and other relatives and I have no siblings.
I dont know what happens to me. The thing is, I'm quite disturbed since I was 7 year old, at least. I remember having panic attacks at this age. Always anxious, sometimes deeply depressed, sometimes crazy-euphoric, often spaced out. Getting into trouble everywhere. Didnt fit anywhere. Always pulling some mischievous stunts.
When I was about 16, I seemed to have found a group of friends, both male and female, who I seemed to fit in with. I was exhilareted at first, but that proved to be the worst mistake of my life. Some shit happened, and they drove me into a depression that last until today and it is the worst that I could ever have imagined.
Oh, and also I'm a total failure when it comes to girls. I have had people tell me "you're handsome, the problem is that you're just too weird"
Drugs, especially alcohol, makes me feel better in the midst of it all. That's why I found so hard to live without it.
 
Dre1990 said:
I'm quite like you. I also graduated from high school in 2007. I'm 22 now. I havent done shit in this five years since I graduated from high school, even though I definetly have above-average inteligence. When I was a kid or a teen many people told me that I had so much potential and I was gonna accomplish many things when I grew up. I havent done shit with my "potential". I'm unemployed. I have almost 4 year unemployment gap.
I come from a a home that wasnt really abusive, but wasnt encouraging either. I was pretty much ignored by parents and other relatives and I have no siblings.
I dont know what happens to me. The thing is, I'm quite disturbed since I was 7 year old. Always anxious, sometimes deeply depressed, sometimes crazy-euphoric, often spaced out. Getting into trouble everywhere. Didnt fit anywhere. Always pulling some mischievous stunts.
When I was about 16, I seemed to have found a group of friends, both male and female, who I seemed to fit in with. I was exhilareted at first, but that proved to be the worst mistake of my life. Some shit happened, and they drove me into a depression that last until today and it is the worst that I could ever have imagined.
Oh, and also I'm a total failure when it comes to girls. I have had people tell me "you're handsome, the problem is that you're just too weird"
Drugs, especially alcohol, makes me feel better in the midst of it all. That's why I found so hard to live without it.
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You sound almost exactly like me. I can remember being very anxious since I can remember anything. I just wanna run away or die. A new start.
 
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