I feel like there are times when I can't function without drugs

[EphemeralOutlet141]

I don't know if anyone remembers me, but I had posted about my depression and anxiety not too long ago seeking some guidance. For the most part I've made good progress on it. I've integrated good dieting and exercise into my life, and just overrall have been keeping myself busy to keep my mind out of bad places. I still occasionally use drugs, although I try to use as responsibly as I possibly can. It doesn't always work. I've gotten into opiates lately, something I know I probably shouldn't do. Benzos are still present, although I use them mostly therapeutically.

Lately, some of my problems have been with some bouts of anger and intense (although infrequent) anxiety attacks. I've gotten myself into bad situations, ruining some relationships. I got extremely angry and almost got into a fight with a friend for confiscating some painkillers from me, although a godsend that he did, I still don't agree with how he did it. I also think I fucked up a good relationship with a girl I've been involved with recently, although I prefer to figure that out on my own if possible. I know these sound like perfectly normal occurrences, but the mix of anger and panic inspired by these things have made me extremely destructive. More so than normal. Something usually has to set me off for this to happen though, so I don't blame myself entirely.

On the other end of the spectrum, when night comes around I get extremely depressed and feel the need to binge on anything I can get my hands on. For some reason I'm extremely restless and can't sleep, I feel like I can only relax with a drug in my system. I feel empty and worthless and often toy with the idea of leaving my house to get drugs or just walk. I normally just force myself to stay in bed and not act on any of this until the sun comes up.

Most you might not see how this is improvement for me, but I used to get these feelings at all hours of the day, and they were unrelenting. They just seem to have been condensed into shorter, more intense episodes. In a fucked up way I still consider myself better, life is fine aside from all that.

Apologize for the slight length and possible rambling, I just feel like I needed to vent and shed some light on this. Any advice would be greatly appreciated, you've all helped me immensely before when no one else has. Extremely grateful for any words of wisdom.

 

[GolemGolem]

I can relate with much of your story. Esp feeling real restless, worthless and hungry for drugs when it's time to go to sleep.

So 2 hours before I should be asleep I take 3-5 Diphenhydramine tabs (if I'm drinking I try to stop now) , one hour before I should sleep I isolate myself and normally read and listen to ambient (if I'm smoking pot I try to stop now). The DPH is unpleasant enough so where I don't want to stay up and ride it out, and gives me a drowsy spell strong enough to put me down almost every time.
Those benzos are bad news.
Other than that strive to be angry at the right things for the right reasons, and be quick to forgive if those things (or yourself) are trying to fix it.
There is a chance you could be a happy old man one day.

 

[herbavore]

Sounds like you are just struggling with emotions. The opiates can't be helping so try to edit them out of the picture altogether. Anger usually has a root of fear. Is there anything that you could put a name on that you are holding as a deep fear? Maybe something very old about yourself that you are unsure of how to face or confront?

 

[EphemeralOutlet141]

Thank you Golem, I'll have to try your method. I appreciate all of your advice.

Sounds like you are just struggling with emotions. The opiates can't be helping so try to edit them out of the picture altogether. Anger usually has a root of fear. Is there anything that you could put a name on that you are holding as a deep fear? Maybe something very old about yourself that you are unsure of how to face or confront?

I just know that a while ago I used to be a real piece of shit. Nobody can tell me different, I was horrible to everyone around me. I've been trying to change all of it, but my patience is being tested. I'm truly afraid of being pushed to my limit and becoming that guy again. I'm dangerously close to it, every day it seems like there's a new issue that I'm powerless to control.