I feel like my mind is deteriorating

[developingcolor]

I'm being serious when i write this. My mind keeps going into these states of depersonalization where i can't focus on anything and have brain fog. It makes the world seem fake, and I don't mean fake as in what an angsty teen would mean, I mean literally fake. Like i'm living in a dream world. This has been happening for two years and has only been getting worse. I started taking high doses of 2c-e (30mg) two years ago and it got to the point where i would take 30mg three days in a row for weeks at a time. i started experimenting with other drugs, Cocaine, LSD, ecstasy, benzos, ect. and now i'm at the point where i think my mind is starting to go over the edge. Sometimes it feels like i'm tripping again just without the euphoria, awesome visuals, and happy times. Those are replaced with horrible short term memory, brain fog, and focus problems along with feeling anger, callousness, and cold. I'm starting to view the world in an extremely bitter view and it's frightening. If i'm not in this state, then i'm depressed to the point where i just fall on my bed and cry. Sometimes when i'm in this mindset i'll fantasize about taking this girl i used to date out into a field and putting a hole in her head, or just going on a spree. I've always had violent fantasies. I used to get impulses to stab my classmates with a pencil in high school and i was obsessed with columbine for a while. I read 4 books about it, watched documentaries, read their journals, and fantasized about doing it myself. Or i'll have the impulse to drive my truck off the road into a field when going down the highway. I quit using all recreational substances about a month ago and i've been weightlifting 5 days a week along with eating a proper bulking diet. Weightlifting is the only thing i enjoy anymore. It's my only escape and when i'm not doing it, i feel unmotivated and just want to lay at home and not do anything. I crave social interaction, yet i can't do it because of this demotivation my mental states. I can only weight lift for one hour 5 days a week or i might over train. I'm giving up pornography and masturbation in hopes that re-sensitizing my dopamine receptors might help. I don't know what to do. I'm tired of feeling this way and i just want to give up sometimes. I already talked to a therapist and it didn't help, and i don't want to go on medications because of the side effects. I was on medications throughout most of my childhood from straterra to lithium up until 7th grade. What can I do guys? I feel like each day i'm stepping closer to the edge.

 

[HCandKROD]

My advice is to see a psychiatrist and see what he/she thinks about your situation. You may have to go on medication perhaps. You said you didn't want to do medication because of side effects but all those drugs you have been doing over the years have side effects also.Good luck

 

[Eyes On the Roll]

I know what you mean. I used to heavily abuse psychadelics.. one summer I was taking shrooms nearly every day. Another summer I just went nuts with coke, mdma, and oxy all at once, multiple times. Last year I was testing all the research psychadelics, like 5-meo-dmt, all the 2cc's, everything. It's been a while since I've done anything like that, and I have been going through depersonalization for the past 2 or so years. I got used to it after a while.. but at times I'll be working and everything in my head just disappears, my eyes lose focus, and I just float out of my body. There was a point in time in the following months after I quit my use, where I would easily confuse my dreams with real life, and vice versa. It does get better as times progress, but I'll tell you a prescription to 6mgs of klonopin a day definitely helped. Benzos help with dissociation. Get a prescription though, if you need, and use exactly as the doctor instructs, if you trust him. If not, just try and wait it out, it does get better.

 

[Pagey]

Mmh I would definitely advise seeing a psychiatrist, it sounds like you could be harmful both to yourself and others, inadvertently. Specific medications might help.

 

[It's a baby!]

I don't want to give you advice but I've been there too. For me I had to stop using all drugs besides nicotine and caffeine (and I do drink beer in the evenings but I'm not super happy about that but it doesn't seem to make me psychotic and it relaxes me).

I was institutionalized and put on abilify (an antipsychotic) for a couple of months. I hated taking it because of what I perceived as side-effects, but in retrospect and with a clearer head it's really hard to say what was a side effect of the abilify and what was "lingering psychosis". I definitely felt freaking weird taking it, but I also felt freaking weird without it; when I was taking it the "feeling freaking weird" was a little more controllable, but it also gave me akathisia which was extremely uncomfortable.

I don't know what to tell you except that many of us here have been in that same place before, and drugs, especially hallucinogens and stimulants, really make those sort of "psychotic" symptoms harder to deal with. I know you haven't been using drugs, for me though it took more than a month for my craziness to go away, and it went away very gradually, and in some ways I'm still not totally back (I have panic attacks where I think I'm dying of a heart attack or stroke), but I don't experience real delusions like thinking the government is spying on me or whatever nonsense. I also still have a rather negative attitude towards life, even though I love my family I feel very distant, it sucks, but in some ways I felt like this before drugs and in some ways it's getting better with time, I just try to distract myself with work and school.

I just feel for you this shit sucks, you might want to talk to a psychiatrist, also just for me talking to a therapist has helped a lot, and medication isn't necessarily something you'll need to take forever, for me it just smoothed the transition out of that psychotic tripping-world to consensus reality. And I don't know what meds you've tried in the past, everybody experiences the antipsychotics differently, if I ever had to take one again I'd take something that wasn't abilify but a lot of people love abilify.