Mental Health I feel like im going insane. i haven't felt the same since..

[danjenks44]

(Sorry for all the writing)
Hey so basically its all started in the last two months, and i blame it on doing mdma about 11 times and coke a few times ext.. in the last two months. im 17.
so recently ive felt very messed up in the head. but after my last roll i haven't felt properly sane since. ive had normal fazes in the day of feeling some what happy ext.. But now im spending 70% of the day worrying about how ive fucked my head up, and other troubles. also been very paranoid and have alot of moods swings i think.

it seems to be a struggle to concentrate on anything most of the time. i feel like my mind has been altered and doesn't feel the same as it did 2 months ago. Im pretty sure ive developed HPPD (hallucination perception persistence disorder)
from these last two months because ive been having some of the symptoms.

some parts of the day i can feel normal towards people and other parts i feel completely disconnected from them and some people not many i have never felt the same towards again and feel completely
disconected from.
two of them are my good friends i almost feel scared when i see them now. its really hard for me because before these two months i felt like a good person who enjoyed life so to say. i have alot of anxiety in these situations. i think into everything really hard.
in the
last two days thats all i can think about is how ive fucked my head up i keep telling myself that ive ruined my life forever. i seem to think this alot when im around people for some reason more than when im alone which is strange. dont get me wrong i still think about it alot when im alone aswell its just when im with people i cant stop thinking about it.

also i feel like i dont really like people any more and it takes me to really stop and think and remember how i do like people normally. but the thoughts end up coming back. also now everynight ive been having weird dreams that feel completely real and often something will happen like i start to loose my mind in the dream then i wake up really confused for a few minutes and feeling really anxious and scared and my heart pounds.

i eventually calm down and often feel nice after it then go back to sleep. also some of my dreams are reflecting normal life and my worrys ext.. like for instance in my dream we were all on md and my mates end up saying how fucked i look and how ive changed in the last few months in appearance ext.. thats also what ive become really paranoid about is my appearance i actually feel anxiety in the dream this mabey why is feels so real.

also before when i was sane i used to never wake up i was a massivly heavy sleeper. i was feeling pretty normal today untill i went out with my one friend who i feel like i cant even look in the eyes anymore. ive just gotten in that is why im really writing this, i probably wouldnt of wrote this today if it wasnt for that going out with him only for half hour aswell. it has ruined my night and i feel depressed now and want help.

Sorry for the huge paragraph i could probally still go on but i feel i have touched on my main problems.
I just sort of want to know what is wrong with me and if its permanent? and how i can get mentally healthy again.
I appreciate all the feedback guys.

 

[AlphaMethylPhenyl]

Hey danjenks44,

Just as a suggestion, if you space out your writing a bit more, others will be able to read it more easily, so you'll get more responses.

Assuming one actually gets MDMA (and not some random research chemical), it isn't the benign substance that a lot of people say it is.

What are you paranoid about? It's at least good that you recognize you are. Many paranoid people are hard to help because they don't even know they're paranoid.

I know what it's like to feel disconnected. It's very lonely. I'm sorry to hear that you're feeling this way.

Sounds like it would be a good idea, at least in the short-term, to find a way to get out of your head (that doesn't involve drugs!)

We don't actually give out diagnoses here. We're not doctors. We're just everyday people. We can provide some non-medical advice, but it sounds to me like you could at least really use a therapist to help work out some of your issues. I can sense from your post that you're in a lot of pain. Feeling disconnected, disinterested, obsessively worrying, and physical anxiety on top of that must be horrible.

I can't tell you how healthy you're going to get in the future. For one, again, we aren't medically trained. Also, bluelight only sees the part of you that is writing. We don't witness you in person.

I'd urge you to get an appointment with a therapist as soon as possible. Please continue to let us know how you're doing. I'm rooting for you .

 

[danjenks44]

Thanks for the advice.
Also i gratefully appreciate the support!!
I most likely will soon ive been thinking of going to see someone.
also reading over what i writ it may look abit worse than it is which is a good thing i suppose but everything i wrote is still what im feeling. im not getting overly worked up about everything it is just effecting me badly some times.

i know your not a doctor but do you or does anyone who reads this know about why im having almost trippy dreams thats the time where i feel like im going insane sometimes. before i also woke up once and it was like i couldnt think.
its very hard to explain but it was almost like i lost my mind and i was trapped. i couldnt think properly. just feeling confused. after 5 mins i was able to strain up some thoughts again and was in some ways became sane again and then started to relax.

 

[paranoid android]

It sounds to me like you have alot of anxiety and as someone who has suffered from it i know full well that it can make you feel like you are completely loosing the plot. Excessive use of any stimulants can cause short term and sometimes usually when someone really over does it it can cause long lasting anxiety. But as you only rolled 11 times and took Cocaine a few times i would think that any effects from the drugs themselves would be fairly short lasting. You say you rolled 11 times and took coke a few times within about 2 months correct? While it's certainly not a good idea to overdo it with MDMA and with Coke your better off not doing it at all imo in the grand scheme of things that's not that big of a deal. Though using MDMA more then once a week is a kinda waste anyway as your brain needs time to replenish it's Serotonin levels and if you don't give it enough time you will just get the Amphetamine type effects from the MDMA not the lovey dovey effects that we are looking for.

Where you using the MDMA and Coke together or on separate occasions? The absolute worst comedown of my life was after a night of a really good MDMA/MDA roll topped off by a gram of Coke. I decided to go get a gram of Coke when i was pilled out of my head and i ended up shooting the lot of it when i was coming down off the MDMA/MDA. When i finally did comedown it triggered off one of if not the worst suicidal depressive drug induced episodes of my life. I was a suicidal wreck for a good 2 weeks and had i not had a very good friend to talk to during that whole episode i may very well not be typing this right now . Assuming that by some miracle you managed to get a decent pill that just had pure MDMA or MDA or some other MDxx drug MDMA can certainly make you feel like you kicked the shit out of your brain if you over do it with it.

I would say that using MDxx once a month tops and for a short period of time at that frequency would be more then enough. I never got into E that much but i was a IV Coke addict and also rocked it up and smoked Crack when i could no longer find a vein in my arms or hands. It definitely temporarily altered my personality and although i finally did quit people close to me noticed a definite change in my personality for a good 3 months after i quit. I became more anxious over all, paranoid and short tempered. The good news is that even abusing the shit out of such a unforgiving substance as Coke only produced temporary changes in my personality. Your use of E would be nowhere near as bad for you as what i was doing so i wouldn't worry myself about that really. You do sound like you are sort of being your worst enemy and possibly making the whole thing worse by being overly worried about possible long term damage. If you could somehow learn not to worry about it i would say that alot of your symptoms would get better as anxiety is just as rough on the brain or rougher then excess drug use.

How long has it been since you used E or Coke or any other drug for that matter? If it does not subside after a few months or becomes unbearable it might then be a good idea to go see a doctor about it. I am no doctor and neither i nor anyone else here can give you any sort of diagnoses but i can tell you this sounds like a classic case of someone suffering from using too much of a good thing. I would say the best treatment would be get lot's of sleep, eat healthy and maybe take up exercising as well.

 

[danjenks44]

It sounds to me like you have alot of anxiety and as someone who has suffered from it i know full well that it can make you feel like you are completely loosing the plot. Excessive use of any stimulants can cause short term and sometimes usually when someone really over does it it can cause long lasting anxiety. But as you only rolled 11 times and took Cocaine a few times i would think that any effects from the drugs themselves would be fairly short lasting. You say you rolled 11 times and took coke a few times within about 2 months correct? While it's certainly not a good idea to overdo it with MDMA and with Coke your better off not doing it at all imo in the grand scheme of things that's not that big of a deal. Though using MDMA more then once a week is a kinda waste anyway as your brain needs time to replenish it's Serotonin levels and if you don't give it enough time you will just get the Amphetamine type effects from the MDMA not the lovey dovey effects that we are looking for.

Where you using the MDMA and Coke together or on separate occasions? The absolute worst comedown of my life was after a night of a really good MDMA/MDA roll topped off by a gram of Coke. I decided to go get a gram of Coke when i was pilled out of my head and i ended up shooting the lot of it when i was coming down off the MDMA/MDA. When i finally did comedown it triggered off one of if not the worst suicidal depressive drug induced episodes of my life. I was a suicidal wreck for a good 2 weeks and had i not had a very good friend to talk to during that whole episode i may very well not be typing this right now . Assuming that by some miracle you managed to get a decent pill that just had pure MDMA or MDA or some other MDxx drug MDMA can certainly make you feel like you kicked the shit out of your brain if you over do it with it.

I would say that using MDxx once a month tops and for a short period of time at that frequency would be more then enough. I never got into E that much but i was a IV Coke addict and also rocked it up and smoked Crack when i could no longer find a vein in my arms or hands. It definitely temporarily altered my personality and although i finally did quit people close to me noticed a definite change in my personality for a good 3 months after i quit. I became more anxious over all, paranoid and short tempered. The good news is that even abusing the shit out of such a unforgiving substance as Coke only produced temporary changes in my personality. Your use of E would be nowhere near as bad for you as what i was doing so i wouldn't worry myself about that really. You do sound like you are sort of being your worst enemy and possibly making the whole thing worse by being overly worried about possible long term damage. If you could somehow learn not to worry about it i would say that alot of your symptoms would get better as anxiety is just as rough on the brain or rougher then excess drug use.

How long has it been since you used E or Coke or any other drug for that matter? If it does not subside after a few months or becomes unbearable it might then be a good idea to go see a doctor about it. I am no doctor and neither i nor anyone else here can give you any sort of diagnoses but i can tell you this sounds like a classic case of someone suffering from using too much of a good thing. I would say the best treatment would be get lot's of sleep, eat healthy and maybe take up exercising as well.

Hey man i really appreciate the feedback its helping alot!!
No the coke and md have been on separate occasions, also the last time i rolled was on friday. (the 2nd) im planning on doing it next on november the 13th (friday the 13th :///) lol but so thats a nice break. do you recommend a longer break? or say do that the last time and then a big break ect.. also im trying to get healthy again/fit im stopping smoking weed aswell. appreciate all the support, thanks!!

 

[MDpatient]

Great post pa.

 

[danjenks44]

pa?

 

[iridescentblack]

We used to see this kind of thing in Bangor, the home of the bath salts. Don't really have a name for it, but it started with Spice. Pretty much all the street rats were overusing the legal high (synthetic shit) and the damage came in many varieties. I myself smoked spice a handful of times and one of them did a number on my memory and mind. It's taken years for most of the effects to go away, but despite how impaired I was at the time, I've come out of it with a whole new light - a lot stronger.

You've probably suffered enough, so I'm sorry if my story is a bit intense. A growing mind getting into substances can't ever fully understand the pros and cons before trying something. You've in no way done anything wrong or shameful. I'm hurt reading your story danjenks44, but I'm also kind of intrigued. If you pull out of this, you'll probably have a lot of inner wisdom to share.

 

[paranoid android]

Hey man i really appreciate the feedback its helping alot!!
No the coke and md have been on separate occasions, also the last time i rolled was on friday. (the 2nd) im planning on doing it next on november the 13th (friday the 13th :///) lol but so thats a nice break. do you recommend a longer break? or say do that the last time and then a big break ect.. also im trying to get healthy again/fit im stopping smoking weed aswell. appreciate all the support, thanks!!

Sorry but i was not on this forum for abit due to personal shit and only saw this now. So i apologize for not seeing this until now.

I would say a long break is in order. If you are feeling like you are losing it do you really think taking any stimulant including MDMA (or whatever is in the pills you are getting and by the way getting a test kit would be a really good idea imo) is a good idea at all? Personally i would say lay off until your symptoms have subsided for awile atleast.