I feel like I'm dying inside. I need help.

[JessFR]

Ok so, my heroin addition has been getting worse and worse for the last couple years. I just got sentenced by the court to complete a drug abuse program after I was arrested last year.

I've pretty much used up all my money, pawned everything I've ever owned, as bad as all that is though, for me it all pales in comparison to what's really got me down.

I've been pretty much selling my body for money for drugs, and it feels like it's killing me. I really haven't gone that far with it, but what extent I have gone makes me feel sickened by myself. I've had offers and been tempted before, but I've never gone this far until now. There really aren't any words to describe how I feel adequately. Just, sick, ill to my stomach. It makes me want to cut my wrists. I never wanted to do this, but in all honesty, I really didn't expect it to affect me as strongly as it has. Even the heroin can't completely block the feelings out.

Is there anyone here who's had this kind of experience? Something I've learned is I just don't think I'm the kind of person who can cope with this sort of thing. I just want to forget everything I've done. The moneys good, but the price is just too high. I don't know how much longer I can keep doing this. When I think about him touching me, I just want to crawl under a rock and die. I'm high right now and it's still not enough to kill the pain and despair. But I've exhausted all my regular money making avenues.

I still don't want to quit though, I want out of this life. But I just don't think I know how to cope and survive without heroin acting as a buffer. I haven't felt suicidal in a very long time. Depressed yes, but suicidal, not in 6 years, barring some dark moments. This is the first time in a long time where I've really started to feel suicidal as an ongoing feeling. I just feel so lost. I don't know what to do. I don't feel like I can live without heroin, and I feel like what I can't live with it either.

I don't know why I'm writing this, I guess I just want to find anyone who can relate to how I'm feeling. I just feel so alone and disgusted with myself right now. I feel like I've crossed a line I can't ever take back. I just want to run away from myself. It feels like it's too late for me, like even if I got clean now, I'll never be able to live with the things I've done, the things I've let people do to me. It's all just so overwhelming.

Tomorrow I'll want more heroin, and if I can't find the money some other way, I'm scared of what I might do. I wish I'd never stooped this low. I really had no idea how much it would damage me. And now I can't ever take it back. I'm afraid I'll feel like this forever. I'm sick of trying to be strong, I'm sick of my life. I'm sick of it all. I just want it all to end. The only reprieve I feel is those occasions where I have a good day and can just get high and fall asleep and forget. But usually I don't have enough money to do that. My tolerance is way fucked up.

What do I do? I can't get clean, as in off everything. I'm on methadone and that's as far as I feel I can go for now. Withdrawal is just too painful. It's like torture, I just can't take it. I can't go through cold turkey. I'm not doing it. Feeling normal, feeling sober, it hurts so much. My life has always hurt, I wish I hadn't been born, my life has been almost entirely misery. And I just feel like I've had enough.

I feel trapped. I need help but I don't have anyone who can help me. My instinct when things get tough is always to run away, and that's how I feel now. I just want to run.

 

[nuttynutskin]

Hey, empty your pm box. Tried to message you but said it was full.

 

[JessFR]

Hey, empty your pm box. Tried to message you but said it was full.

Hey nutty, I just made some room.

 

[iampetrelli]

Hey there... I don't know you but I could relate to a lot of what you wrote. Hang in there... it does get better. Unfortunately heroin is a great pain killer but it's the destruction and chaos that comes with it is when you have to decide is it worth that much. No one can beat H but saying they can use it every now and then and not get hooked... I was one of them! Also it eventually stops making you feel high to just stopping you from getting sick. The more money you need... the more horrendous and degrading things you will do for it! I truely feel your pain... I know the journey is hard. But there is light the end of the tunnel... hope it's not a train coming 8(
Best wishes.
Petrelli

 

[JessFR]

Hey there... I don't know you but I could relate to a lot of what you wrote. Hang in there... it does get better. Unfortunately heroin is a great pain killer but it's the destruction and chaos that comes with it is when you have to decide is it worth that much. No one can beat H but saying they can use it every now and then and not get hooked... I was one of them! Also it eventually stops making you feel high to just stopping you from getting sick. The more money you need... the more horrendous and degrading things you will do for it! I truely feel your pain... I know the journey is hard. But there is light the end of the tunnel... hope it's not a train coming 8(
Best wishes.
Petrelli

Unfortunately I'm already way past the point where it just keeps me from being sick a lot of the time. Every now and then though I come into some real money and get enough to really feel it again, but my tolerance is unfortunately very high. Hence how I've gotten into such a desperate situation with money.

 

[iampetrelli]

Have you thought of your options... do you want to continue using or are you not ready to stop just yet? As I'm sure you know there's methadone and suboxone which doesn't work for everyone but it did help me and my life became a lot more stable and manageable. It's taking the first step that's the hardest. Stay strong!

 

[JessFR]

Honestly, sobriety scares the hell out of me. I dunno why but I just don't feel like I can cope without heroin. I want to be able to, I just don't feel like I can. So I guess I can't say I truly want to quit, the best I can say is that I want to want to quit. And I hate the shit I've done to get money for drugs. Every day it weighs on my mind and my conscience. It's not a much better situation than being sober, but it does feel better... sometimes...

I'm already on methadone but I have a lot of trouble attending it regularly enough to get on a high enough dose. I have a car but it doesn't work very well, and I often don't have money for gas for prolonged periods of time (days, a week sometimes). Plus they only have fairly limited hours that they're open for and I have lifelong sleep problems that make getting there on time difficult too.

I don't know what I want I guess, i just want it all to stop.

 

[mrsnowygrainius]

I am terribly sorry about your situation... you say you are on methadone also, have you tried increasing your dose at all? I know absolutely nothing about using methadone and heroin together so I really don't know what to say about that.

I was going to say to you to get on a suboxone program, Ive been on subs for 4 years now and it saved my life... I highly recommend it and I wish it would work as well as it does for me for everyone else. Have you thought about just leaving or relocating? I know in active addiction thats not really an option because we feel trapped but it IS ALWAYS an option...

If I could get clean... anyone can... I haven't shot a bag of dope in a long time and some of my veins have even come back. Give suboxone a try, or at least do some research on it. I feel like you are on the verge of giving this lifestyle all up. Best of luck to you I hope everything works out.

 

[Cdkman]

I think u should look into maintenance either methadone or subs if u are ready to quit.im not a doctor but it seems if u want to quit you are going to need to fill those opiate receptors with something so u can try to get your life in order..you do need to take responsibility for your actions which in your post it seems like u do..but the addiction is directing your life so feeling guilty is useless,it only fuels the addiction..did u do these things while sober? Im guessing not..an addict needs to take responsibility without swimming around in the guilt that is caused by the negative behavior..u are judge,criminal and jury..best of luck to u i hope u can get thru this

 

[badfish45]

There definitely is a life for you past this. It seems hard to fathom that we ever fall into addiction but that describes the mindstate you have of being unable to live with drugs.

However we have shown that neuroplasticity is a thing, and behaviors can be (mostly) unlearned. So yes, you can live without it and it will get easier to do so. Whatever path you take is up to you. And I don't think you should view what you're doing as a moral failing...it's certainly not admirable but self judgment will drive you back into this behavior. You're desperate and there are many people in your shoes, this doesn't make you any less of a person. I just think you should stop selling your body for money because it seems like it's hurting your mentally and potentially physically, and you don't deserve to hurt like this.

 

[My3sons]

You need to stabilize on mmt. I promise that the cravings will get better but you have to stabilize. You must get through the first few weeks and get that dose up. The right dose means everything in mmt if you want to benefit from the program. You will see your life change if you give it a true chance to.

 

[StoneHappyMonday]

I think u should look into maintenance either methadone or subs if u are ready to quit.im not a doctor but it seems if u want to quit you are going to need to fill those opiate receptors with something so u can try to get your life in order..you do need to take responsibility for your actions which in your post it seems like u do..but the addiction is directing your life so feeling guilty is useless,it only fuels the addiction..did u do these things while sober? Im guessing not..an addict needs to take responsibility without swimming around in the guilt that is caused by the negative behavior..u are judge,criminal and jury..best of luck to u i hope u can get thru this

That's a pretty good post.

Having said that, MMT works for some, definitely not for others. Methadone is a far worse drug to kick than H.

You say you want to run. Is that possible? You say you occasionally come into big money so I'm guessing it is possible. Over half the battle is changing the environment. Get away from your dealers. All dealers. And any fellow users. You don't sound like you're making the choices, the choices are making you. That needs to change. But you got to want to change. It's in your control. Really. It is. Good luck.

 

[herbavore]

Oh, Jess, I found this heartbreaking to read; not what you are doing but the harsh judgment of what you are thinking about what you are doing. Yes, it is self-destructive for you so I do not want to minimize that, but please, please please do not shame yourself into wanting to end your life. You are still everything you ever were, nothing is irretrievably lost. Perhaps subs would be worth a try? But you cannot simply get off opiates without having a clear path to recovery of your mind. Just like a heroin habit, a habit of fatalistic self-hatred grows and strengthens itself over time. Feeding on evermore desperate behaviors, addiction and self hatred come to justify themselves--so there is only one way out of this: sever the loop.

I have always looked at you as a very strong person. You have strong opinions, strong feelings and strong presence (even just going by your internet posts). You are probably feeling very weak right now but don't be fooled. You have got to find a way to reignite your faith in yourself. That is what everything comes down to in the end. If you were your own good mother you would find a way to encourage feelings of self worth. Many of us don't ever get a good mother to start with and even if we did we don't get to take her with us. So, become one to yourself. A good mother will never tell you either that it is hopeless or you are terrible and worthless. She would say instead, "You are disappointing and harming yourself. What can I do to help you remember your goodness and worth?"

 

[Julie Hernandez]

Hey you how are you doing ?

 

[Julie Hernandez]

Hey you. I just want to give you some advice I don't think you should be selling yourself nobody is worth it NOBODY and nothing is worth it ! You can get help please done sell yourself . I know your thinking about the next thing you wanna do just to get money and go get some H for u to smoke but ask yourself until when ? Do you want to stay like this forever ? 6 years is a lot and I think it's more then enough . Heroin makes u do ANYTHING just for that high you'll do anything u can anything to get the money for it makes u want to crawl out of your own skin ! I am 8 months clean today and I am so happy my dream was just to wake up without having to depend on a drug or think about money wise I would look at sober people and wish I can be them . The first thing u need to do is tell someone what you been there or what you went threw I know it's not easy but SUPPORT from friends or family is one of the most important thing because it's not easy it's hard I know I know u wish u can erase everything but hunny everyone has a past and I mean EVERYONE nobody in this world is perfect. You say okay even if I do get clean how can I live with myself . But trust me you will forget day by day you will become a new person . I started off by getting caught it wasn't my choice I got caught by my mom she has helped me threw it all I am taking a substance that's like suboxen but in a pill it loosens all your muscles it BLOCKS your cravings makes u just want to sleep witch is good because while your detoxing sleeping is very good it's also way better the suboxen because u don't get addicted to it btw I didn't take it for long just for the first 35 days even after the second week I didn't need it but I did it so I don't relapse and I can say today I am very happy I'm clean sober getting herion is the LAST thing I will think of I get the chills just by mentioning it ! But please let me help u you can get clean . Think about you go to your room and think of YOU look in the mirror look back at the days when u were clean and look at u now ? What's good about herion NOTHING !!! Makes u lose weight makes u look disgusting makes u do disgusting things that u never thought you would do makes u lose a lot of people makes u go insane makes u lose your life u lose in the end if u stay with like this u will end up OD or ending up in jail or in the streets or dead trust me if u don't stop ? you will regret it but it will be too late ! And u might say I been taking it for 6 years nothing happened but actually a lot has look your losing yourself as a person your going insane in your own mind . Dont you wanna have a good healthy life be a clean person on the in and outside don't u wanna just start fresh be a educated women a healthy women a good wife and mother . Look around u look at your mother or father or brothers sisters do they deserve what you are doing ? You aren't hurting you only your hurting everyone around you . Please stop this now it's never to late !! I can help you will every step of the way ! You will begin a new chapter in your life a clean one and trust me if u really wanna change u can ! Don't let anyone touch u just for u to go get couple of bucks for that high the high will go away but what u did will stay with you for your whole life you may forgive yourself one day but u won't forget it all but u can at least try please try just sit with yourself alone think of everything heroin has done to you think of the good and the bad ! Witch one is better ? With it in your life or without it . I can help you if u are willing to change please send me a private message I tried sending this in private but didn't let me I can help u ! Your a good person deep down but the drug is taking your life away slowly u have time to change so please try to plz don't sell your self u think the man who does this will even care about how u feel after or u think he cares about what your going threw ? No he doesn't . Think of you and change turn your life around . Life is short u never know if you'll wake up tomorrow so change wake up lovin that you are alive . Hope this advice helped u as for me I just want to help . I never been happier since I got off I am studying medical billing I just got a new car a work at a hospital and I'm around my family happy I go on vacations I am living happier then ever I found the love of my life I am engaged now nothing feels better the soberity