S
soresonmytongue
Guest
This is gonna address my long-term possible mental illness(es), and my experiences with drugs. I guess to start I'll say that I'm a 16 year old girl, I started getting depressed when I was 10 and it's been on-and-off since then, with multiple-month-long periods of both extreme feelings of enlightenment and clarity, and then almost physically painful feelings of emptiness, despair and no motivation. I've considered maybe SAD but it doesn't matter. It's almost like when I'm in one state, I'm confused at the irrationality of the other state. Why was I ever so depressed? Life is great! What was I thinking? There's only one way to succeed and I'll never fit the mold..etc. The happy periods are great, I just can't stay there. The depression ruins what I've built up emotionally and productively, and in those months I fuck up second semester's grades and send myself spiraling. It makes me feel crazy but that I'm medically NOT, so /I/ need to stop complaining and get my shit together, /I/ have to fake it and make myself function.
The depression has of course evolved since I was 10, from whiny internet blogging and slashing up my thighs, to pushing all my friends away, to the full-blown emo stage (so embarrassing), to empty and vast nihilism and uncontrollable (though infrequent) emotional breakdowns (current). So has the happiness, from the first summer I discovered Jim Morrison and the Doors, to weed induced enlightenment, to my first lsd trip and the period that followed (BEST!!). Now, I want to enforce the fact that the emotional crap is completely indepent from drug use. I've been this way for so much of my life, and far before I became involved in drugs, that I know I would still be this way without the drugs, although OF COURSE they can/may exacerbate it. But usually drugs help make stuff temporarily bearable when I'm down, and more enhanced and beautiful when I'm up.
Okay, now for the fun stuff (I actually have a list of what drugs I've done and the dates!). I started smoking weed when I was 14, and over that summer and beginning of freshman year it became a regular thing and unbelievably strengthened the relationship with my mom that sort of initially triggered my emotional outbreaks?/problems?. I met my best drug-friend, K, shortly after and now she's sorta my only friend. But truly, weed is my best friend forever, and I know I'll smoke it for the rest of my life. I don't even consider it a drug really, and it has no effect on my motivation or overall happiness. I love weed
This ones interesting. Most people at school are into drinking to party, and strongly opposed to much else.
Small anecdote: the reason I had a bad relationship with my mom was because she was an alcoholic and her behavior severely affected me emotionally even before it started to internalize as the mental (I hesitate to say to avoid self- and mis-diagnoses) illness. I don't intend to blame her, though I did back then. I just feel it was a huge theme of my childhood. (When i was 10ish) When she'd yell unreasonably in a drunken stupor I'd have to learn to suppress my temper and not fight back, so I couldn't think of anything else except to cut the skin on my thighs or otherwise make myself hurt A LOT. So I did, and it became instant relief that I could turn to whenever I wanted. They got me a cheap laptop for Christmas and I found the depression/suicide/eating disorder/etc social media groups, people related to me, and I sucked myself into those attitudes. Pretty dumb huh? My parents have found out about this stuff more than once through assholes at school, and after taking me to a psychologist a couple times stopped caring. I think they dismiss it as a teenager thing. They refuse to believe in counseling or psychiatric drugs too, and my mom just thinks "everyone has some mental illness," and I guess assumes a severe one couldn't affect her kid. Not saying I'm severe..I just don't know. It hurts a whole fucking lot and that's all I know.
Anyway, I don't have any problems with drinkers or drinking, but I do think it's gross when drunk people are to the point of inebriation. So when I was 15 I found out shortly after becoming friends with her that K and her friends got alcohol by stealing it from the grocery store, but she never really invited me out with them and stuff. So I was curious, and on one particular night, super upset and weedless. I walked to the store and stole a bottle of gross cheap tequila, took it home, and drank it mixed with cokes over the next month or two. (Tasted like shit lol.) I did the same thing a few months later with some honey sweetened whiskey which tasted pretty good. Anyway I never had more than two or three shots and they lasted me a long time cause I didn't really like the feeling. I thought that this meant I didn't have an addictive personality whatsoever since I didn't get addicted or even attached to it despite the genetic predisposition to do so. (Eyeroll)
K got cocaine for her birthday (I'm still 15) and it wasn't that good to me but she liked it a lot. Didn't want to buy it often though, I think she bought it every few months or less for the rest of that year.
just to be sequential~On March 7 this year I tripped on lsd for the first time, and I fell in love! I've only done it that one time, but it blasted open a new universe that I'm greatly anticipating to explore. I knew I'd love it before I tried it, and then when I tried it I realized that while weed is my best friend, psychedelics are my god. ~
Also this year (16 now) K and I were going to buy some coke together but her connect sold us meth instead, dick move lol. We were pissed but took the attitude of "well we have it now so we might as well just do it". Since then I buy meth sometimes, although I try to give myself long breaks in between and it's hard the first few days but I usually forget about it for a couple weeks until I get a craving again. However, when I do have it, despite the quantity, I binge and smoke it till its gone. I'm a little surprised and uneasy at my lack of self control with this drug. It's not really a good drug either, it doesn't make me happy for that long and the comedowns suck. But damn, the euphoria, huge clouds of smoke, rush, and (for me) impossibly apt social skills are so worth it (kinda). I just know what I'm doing is wrong and it's gonna end up really bad but.....
Sorry for rambling. My point is that I feel permanently mentally transcendent almost, and the drugs bring it to an even higher level. This isnt a bad thing at all, I just feel that with each plane of reality I can "see", the more I can understand and the less I can be understood. It's just...well, drugs truly do get you high, and I'm the happiest when I'm high or my highs give me a new or expanded way of thinking. But society doesn't approve, and keeping your physical self alive for as long as bone-achingly bodily-functioningly possible is highly valued here. In a completly personality/personal philosophy kind of aspect, I've never been good at making friends, I've always sorta had problems at home/emotionally, I've never felt like society was right and people weren't meant to live to spend all their time working to earn a living to spend as much money as they can when they're not working. (It seems like that's the only way you can succeed today even if you have other skills, qualities, and priorities. I know everyone feels like this sometimes but with my peers it seems like most of them just believe what they're told and work towards The Goal.) I want to succeed in life (and therefore must do so in school) but because I like science and actually want to have a career doing that. Not to mention I want to be able to afford drugs lol. But my motivation is just so shit sometimes and I feel like it ruins my chances at college and life, and I'm just going to end up a whacked out homeless disappointment with the long lost potential of studying the stars. It's all me and my actions to blame, but there's no redemption. I really don't have friends at school (at all), it mystifies me how to take acquaintanceships out of the classroom, and past friends...well I'd rather have no friends than shit ones cause I'll feel lonely either way.
So I go to school (and everywhere) and sit and observe. And observe and observe and observe. Now when I watch people talk to each other, I can see their exact motivations and feelings behind each word, and read this incredibly easy, and it's given me a perspective of the world and way of thinking that often shocks adults in its accuracy and maturity. I promise I'm not trying to brag, I'm really speaking purely objectively. However, when it comes to /me/ doing the socializing, I feel out of place and clueless! I don't know what to say or how to sit, my words will jumble or I'll be misunderstood. Obviously I know /how to act/ I just can't seem to put it into practice. I used to be really self conscious and shyness was the cause, but since I started smoking weed I have 0 problems with myself. (With meth though I know exactly what to talk about and how to make people respond well!)
Except that because of my way of thinking, way of living (specifically drug use (which really I do predominantly to gain experience and try new stuff)), and social retardation has left me lonely and on a mental plateau that's within society, and therefore aware of it, but detached. Like watching it from above or something. I don't feel like really anyone agrees with my mindset or morality, and that I'm either super uninteresting or everyone is just too absorbed in their own lives to wonder or care about mine. I don't think I'm better than everyone or anything. I just feel removed. That so much of me has never been exposed, that when people see glimpses they see insanity. My family has seen this the most when it just all builds up and I rant/yell/hit self etc while crying. They don't care and my mom leaves the house when it happens. I just wish my own mother would hug me if I'm rocking back and forth on the ground after slamming my head into the wall 20 times. Again, I don't have any friends and the ones that I do sorta have like K and the ones from the past have always disagreed with or been weirded out by some of my fundamental philosophies. I wanna go out and have fun and friends and party, but I never get the opportunity and it's not as easy for us introverts as people make it seem to "just put yourself out there".
Really, I guess I'm asking for advice or validation or something, because I feel like I'm already too fucked up, I can't un-know what I know, and what I know and how I think is really uncommon today. I'm really stuck and aside from individual experiences [mostly with drugs] I can really just see the pointlessness, more like idk greyness or repetition or unavoidable underlying paths, of each potential of my existence. I feel a bit crazy and like my ideas are trapped in my head, but "asking for help" or revealing myself is unthinkable and out of the question. No one wants to help me. And I don't wanna stop doing drugs, so even if I did no one would want to help me with that either. No one cares about gutter junkies cause they brought their situations on themselves, and due to everything that's where I think I'm headed. Thanks for reading this if you did
The depression has of course evolved since I was 10, from whiny internet blogging and slashing up my thighs, to pushing all my friends away, to the full-blown emo stage (so embarrassing), to empty and vast nihilism and uncontrollable (though infrequent) emotional breakdowns (current). So has the happiness, from the first summer I discovered Jim Morrison and the Doors, to weed induced enlightenment, to my first lsd trip and the period that followed (BEST!!). Now, I want to enforce the fact that the emotional crap is completely indepent from drug use. I've been this way for so much of my life, and far before I became involved in drugs, that I know I would still be this way without the drugs, although OF COURSE they can/may exacerbate it. But usually drugs help make stuff temporarily bearable when I'm down, and more enhanced and beautiful when I'm up.
Okay, now for the fun stuff (I actually have a list of what drugs I've done and the dates!). I started smoking weed when I was 14, and over that summer and beginning of freshman year it became a regular thing and unbelievably strengthened the relationship with my mom that sort of initially triggered my emotional outbreaks?/problems?. I met my best drug-friend, K, shortly after and now she's sorta my only friend. But truly, weed is my best friend forever, and I know I'll smoke it for the rest of my life. I don't even consider it a drug really, and it has no effect on my motivation or overall happiness. I love weed
This ones interesting. Most people at school are into drinking to party, and strongly opposed to much else.
Small anecdote: the reason I had a bad relationship with my mom was because she was an alcoholic and her behavior severely affected me emotionally even before it started to internalize as the mental (I hesitate to say to avoid self- and mis-diagnoses) illness. I don't intend to blame her, though I did back then. I just feel it was a huge theme of my childhood. (When i was 10ish) When she'd yell unreasonably in a drunken stupor I'd have to learn to suppress my temper and not fight back, so I couldn't think of anything else except to cut the skin on my thighs or otherwise make myself hurt A LOT. So I did, and it became instant relief that I could turn to whenever I wanted. They got me a cheap laptop for Christmas and I found the depression/suicide/eating disorder/etc social media groups, people related to me, and I sucked myself into those attitudes. Pretty dumb huh? My parents have found out about this stuff more than once through assholes at school, and after taking me to a psychologist a couple times stopped caring. I think they dismiss it as a teenager thing. They refuse to believe in counseling or psychiatric drugs too, and my mom just thinks "everyone has some mental illness," and I guess assumes a severe one couldn't affect her kid. Not saying I'm severe..I just don't know. It hurts a whole fucking lot and that's all I know.
Anyway, I don't have any problems with drinkers or drinking, but I do think it's gross when drunk people are to the point of inebriation. So when I was 15 I found out shortly after becoming friends with her that K and her friends got alcohol by stealing it from the grocery store, but she never really invited me out with them and stuff. So I was curious, and on one particular night, super upset and weedless. I walked to the store and stole a bottle of gross cheap tequila, took it home, and drank it mixed with cokes over the next month or two. (Tasted like shit lol.) I did the same thing a few months later with some honey sweetened whiskey which tasted pretty good. Anyway I never had more than two or three shots and they lasted me a long time cause I didn't really like the feeling. I thought that this meant I didn't have an addictive personality whatsoever since I didn't get addicted or even attached to it despite the genetic predisposition to do so. (Eyeroll)
K got cocaine for her birthday (I'm still 15) and it wasn't that good to me but she liked it a lot. Didn't want to buy it often though, I think she bought it every few months or less for the rest of that year.
just to be sequential~On March 7 this year I tripped on lsd for the first time, and I fell in love! I've only done it that one time, but it blasted open a new universe that I'm greatly anticipating to explore. I knew I'd love it before I tried it, and then when I tried it I realized that while weed is my best friend, psychedelics are my god. ~
Also this year (16 now) K and I were going to buy some coke together but her connect sold us meth instead, dick move lol. We were pissed but took the attitude of "well we have it now so we might as well just do it". Since then I buy meth sometimes, although I try to give myself long breaks in between and it's hard the first few days but I usually forget about it for a couple weeks until I get a craving again. However, when I do have it, despite the quantity, I binge and smoke it till its gone. I'm a little surprised and uneasy at my lack of self control with this drug. It's not really a good drug either, it doesn't make me happy for that long and the comedowns suck. But damn, the euphoria, huge clouds of smoke, rush, and (for me) impossibly apt social skills are so worth it (kinda). I just know what I'm doing is wrong and it's gonna end up really bad but.....
Sorry for rambling. My point is that I feel permanently mentally transcendent almost, and the drugs bring it to an even higher level. This isnt a bad thing at all, I just feel that with each plane of reality I can "see", the more I can understand and the less I can be understood. It's just...well, drugs truly do get you high, and I'm the happiest when I'm high or my highs give me a new or expanded way of thinking. But society doesn't approve, and keeping your physical self alive for as long as bone-achingly bodily-functioningly possible is highly valued here. In a completly personality/personal philosophy kind of aspect, I've never been good at making friends, I've always sorta had problems at home/emotionally, I've never felt like society was right and people weren't meant to live to spend all their time working to earn a living to spend as much money as they can when they're not working. (It seems like that's the only way you can succeed today even if you have other skills, qualities, and priorities. I know everyone feels like this sometimes but with my peers it seems like most of them just believe what they're told and work towards The Goal.) I want to succeed in life (and therefore must do so in school) but because I like science and actually want to have a career doing that. Not to mention I want to be able to afford drugs lol. But my motivation is just so shit sometimes and I feel like it ruins my chances at college and life, and I'm just going to end up a whacked out homeless disappointment with the long lost potential of studying the stars. It's all me and my actions to blame, but there's no redemption. I really don't have friends at school (at all), it mystifies me how to take acquaintanceships out of the classroom, and past friends...well I'd rather have no friends than shit ones cause I'll feel lonely either way.
So I go to school (and everywhere) and sit and observe. And observe and observe and observe. Now when I watch people talk to each other, I can see their exact motivations and feelings behind each word, and read this incredibly easy, and it's given me a perspective of the world and way of thinking that often shocks adults in its accuracy and maturity. I promise I'm not trying to brag, I'm really speaking purely objectively. However, when it comes to /me/ doing the socializing, I feel out of place and clueless! I don't know what to say or how to sit, my words will jumble or I'll be misunderstood. Obviously I know /how to act/ I just can't seem to put it into practice. I used to be really self conscious and shyness was the cause, but since I started smoking weed I have 0 problems with myself. (With meth though I know exactly what to talk about and how to make people respond well!)
Except that because of my way of thinking, way of living (specifically drug use (which really I do predominantly to gain experience and try new stuff)), and social retardation has left me lonely and on a mental plateau that's within society, and therefore aware of it, but detached. Like watching it from above or something. I don't feel like really anyone agrees with my mindset or morality, and that I'm either super uninteresting or everyone is just too absorbed in their own lives to wonder or care about mine. I don't think I'm better than everyone or anything. I just feel removed. That so much of me has never been exposed, that when people see glimpses they see insanity. My family has seen this the most when it just all builds up and I rant/yell/hit self etc while crying. They don't care and my mom leaves the house when it happens. I just wish my own mother would hug me if I'm rocking back and forth on the ground after slamming my head into the wall 20 times. Again, I don't have any friends and the ones that I do sorta have like K and the ones from the past have always disagreed with or been weirded out by some of my fundamental philosophies. I wanna go out and have fun and friends and party, but I never get the opportunity and it's not as easy for us introverts as people make it seem to "just put yourself out there".
Really, I guess I'm asking for advice or validation or something, because I feel like I'm already too fucked up, I can't un-know what I know, and what I know and how I think is really uncommon today. I'm really stuck and aside from individual experiences [mostly with drugs] I can really just see the pointlessness, more like idk greyness or repetition or unavoidable underlying paths, of each potential of my existence. I feel a bit crazy and like my ideas are trapped in my head, but "asking for help" or revealing myself is unthinkable and out of the question. No one wants to help me. And I don't wanna stop doing drugs, so even if I did no one would want to help me with that either. No one cares about gutter junkies cause they brought their situations on themselves, and due to everything that's where I think I'm headed. Thanks for reading this if you did
