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i feel guilty

Something I constantly deal with. After 6 years of struggling with opiate, benzo and cocaine addiction, going in and out of rehabs, being clean and relapsing, I have come to a point where I can safely say that I've dealt with plenty of shame, guilt, desperation, frustration, humiliation and anger. I also though, am at a point now, where I no longer can really kid myself about my addiction, but I am also free enough from the brain washing antics of rehab and 12 step programs (sorry, if it works for you-great.. It's really not the program that I find distasteful, but more how it is run, which is pretty universal IME due to human nature, but thats another discussion...). I know that when I use heroin, nothing good will likely come out of it. I only say "likely" because there have been a few good things, such as my girlfriend, and some friends that I made here on bluelight which I would have never looked into had it not been for my opiate use. With cocaine, nothing, and I mean NOTHING good can come from that but self hatred and destruction.

However, there are some drugs that I can use without guilt because I simply don't believe they are a problem for me, and I dont subscribe personally to the idea that I need to be 100% sober in order to be happy. I guess some may look at this post, then look back at my posts in the "how high are you thread", where I've almost constantly within the last month been loaded on smack, and think that it negates my belief in leading a fulfilling life including drugs when you're trying not to be a dope fiend. I suppose that's fair, but only time can tell.
 
I haven't yet. But then again, I'm not addicted. My drug use doesn't effect anyone else. If I gave or sold people drugs and something happened to them, THEN I would feel guilty. If my drug use got out of hand so I was relying on my parents or in rehab or something, then I'd feel guilty (towards my parents, because they would be worried about me and angry at me).

It sucks that I can't talk about drugs to most people (work, family, some friends, etc.). Well to varying degrees. My family knows I use some drugs (MDMA and weed only) but they don't like me talking about it at all, they won't let me teach them about it though. At work, a couple of my coworkers joke about drugs and they have friends that use drugs, so I can talk about drugs with them and give them proper info. For example, my coworker was like "my friends went on this trip and they told me they used this thing called liquid G ... isn't that a date rape drug?" so I gave her some info on it.

But feeling guilty about using ... definitely not. Unless I become an addict or something bad happens to friends/family because of my use, I wouldn't feel guilty.
 
I used to, because honestly my use had become problematic. My parents knew about (most) of my drug use at some point and it was hurting them. I felt really guilty about that. Not so much because my use had become a problem, but because I was hurting my parents and brother by keeping at it.

Now I don't feel guilty anymore, if things were to get out of hand again I would feel guilty for lying to my family though. As long as I don't overdo it with the drugs I don't feel bad about lying because it's the only way to keep them from worrying. (In a way I feel like I'm protecting them by not having them worry over "nothing".)

So I prefer them not knowing as long as I can keep things in check. Even if I'm overdoing it I will try and clean up my mess without having them worry about it, but the lying and cheating does make me feel guilty in a situation like that.
 
But yeah i don't have anyone around here to talk about this shit so i usually come here. Kids at my school call me druggy and stuff like that and that doesn't really help. Thanks for posting guys you made me feel better :)
 
lol what kind of school do you go to?

i think part of the guilt that many feel is that we can't just be 100% open and honest about drug use (unless you just smoke cannabis or drink alcohol) as it is so misunderstood. If you say you love opiates then people think you're a junky, or speed, they think you are a methhead and apply whatever stereotype to you.

I can't just go tell my dad i love benzos, opiates and whatever drug you can throw at me, so i can't be 100% honest with people and somewhere in there the guilt creeps in.
 
entheo said:
I only feel guilty about my actions on drugs, not that I took them.
Well actually, I usually feel very guilty when I use until they are gone. That's really the only time I have any shame, and it's just because I want more for the next day. Silly drug fiends...
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I always feel guilty when I run out of my prescription early. and not just because of that fact.....if in wd's, it seems like I somehow remember every bad thing I have ever done, and find it impossible to stop. So, I basically stew around in my guilt the whole time. It sucks.
 
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