i feel alone, lost and scared

[pLur4eVer<33]

so idk what the deal is but im sick of dealing with this on my own so now im gonna ask for some insight from you guys. im a 15 year old in-the-closet gay, my parents fucking hate me cuz of my sexuality, ive already tried to off myself, and couldnt even get that right. i just started coming out to my friends and we tried xtc and i felt like i had a glimmer of hope. well then came the part where "dad" comes in and once again tells me how im going to hell and im a worthless piece of shit etc. my real friends like to call themselves "ignostic" i guess it means you "believe in a God but you dont". and after having my "dad" tell me that im going to hell for being gay (which i think is BULLSHIT) it got me thinking about death.

which leads me to this post- whenever i think about death, i get this empty feeling in my stomach and i wanna cry. i know im supposed to believe in a God and the afterlife but im starting to get the idea that people just invented God so they can avoid the fact that when you die, your dead and you dont go to some afterlife. *im just full of sunshine today:D*

So to anyone else who gets that "fuck this if i think about death any longer im gonna go insane" feeling, what do you think about life? cuz when i think about it, i feel like nobody gives a fuck about me, like i have no friends and that lifes pointless. i mean i wanna believe in a God and the afterlife but it just sounds so far-fetched. i think id rather die randomly and unknowingly (i.e overdose, get hit by a truck) than get old and just wait to die. does this make me suicidal? sorry that this is such a long post.

 

[ChrisTribeSector9]

I am proud to say that I have been an atheist my entire life (I'm an agnostic atheist because I have no idea if there is a god, but all evidence suggests there isn't). For the most part I don't think about death (I mean fuck, once I'm dead, I'm dead, and I won't give a shit at that point) and I treat life as a fun ride that I only get once. So I pretty much say fuck you to anyone who has a problem with what I do, or how I live my life. I don't know your dad, but he sounds like a huge jackass. I assume he is a devout Christian? The bible was originally created to teach love and how to live without making others miserable, is if he isn't going against those teachings I don't know who is (I mean other than murderers and shit).

Just chin up, bro, and don't let your dad's nonsense get you down. Life's too short to let others run it for you.

 

[pLur4eVer<33]

I am proud to say that I have been an atheist my entire life (I'm an agnostic atheist because I have no idea if there is a god, but all evidence suggests there isn't). For the most part I don't think about death (I mean fuck, once I'm dead, I'm dead, and I won't give a shit at that point) and I treat life as a fun ride that I only get once. So I pretty much say fuck you to anyone who has a problem with what I do, or how I live my life. I don't know your dad, but he sounds like a huge jackass. I assume he is a devout Christian? The bible was originally created to teach love and how to live without making others miserable, is if he isn't going against those teachings I don't know who is (I mean other than murderers and shit).

Just chin up, bro, and don't let your dad's nonsense get you down. Life's too short to let others run it for you.

yeah their heavy catholics, he went to private catholic school or some shit when he grew up. but thanks for the help bro

 

[~_Hiss_~]

It is very unfair, how closed minded people are, due to ignorance or bigotry. I feel for you man. I've felt pretty alone lately too. You are at an age where you have to put up with a lot of shit and are going through a difficult time; and learning who you are. Probably will be the toughest time of your life. You are (subconsciously) developing coping skills which will make your adult life easier to handle.

I am personally agnostic atheist, but there are faiths such as buddhism (i was this for about a year) which wouldn't be against your sexuality. i wouldn't try to reconcile with hypocristianity. it is a very evil and closed minded faith, even though it is the faith of many good people. i've read the bible, and at your age i was probably just starting to accept not believing in it.

catholics are against stem cells and condoms, two very important things. i think you should take comfort in the fact you aren't alone with separating from the faith. being non-religious is the fastest growing among faiths (and non-faiths).

There have been many times when i feel as if i want to die. But its just a reaction to too much stress we can cope with; a desire to shut off the bad. There is no easy solution. Suicide is a very bad idea. I was suicidal and committed to a mental hospital for 3 weeks at age 16. Even though my life is lousy now, I'm glad I didn't do it, because its still much better than my dark teen years (15-17).

No one can take away your pain, but many understand and can relate. The only advice i can give is stay strong, try to make effort to get along with your parents; they expect you to be mad if they are saying all that shit, they are trying to agitate you. Show them you are better by being nice. It can be fake, but it will give you justification if when you turn 18 you never want to speak to them again. Go easy on drugs; especially xtc. It will hurt your brain development and coping skills. I wish I could go back in time and take my own advice.

I recommend staying in the closet until you are an adult with more freedom. Its good you came out to your friends, but its not anyone's business, and unfortunately its a very hypocritical bigoted country we live in. Just remember you can't help who you are attracted to, its not your fault, surely don't hate yourself just because of your ignorant dad.

 

[ferrita]

Hi

If ou want to stay with christianity. Not religion but true christianity then find a christian church who accepts you. There are many gay christian you are churches who could answer your questions.
You are only 15. You have so much growing to do still and the world is truly your oyster. I admire your cpourage in knowing who and what you are are suce a young age.

My children have always been told that I don't care what they are as long as they are happy. They have alsways been around all sorts of people including gay people. We had a gay roomate for a while and they have a very gay aunt who has beeb ostracixed from the family. They love her no matter what. She also attends church with us. Its a christian non denominational church that has a banner outside that says all sinners welcome. Lol...this church is come as you are. All ages all jair colors and themost non judgemental church I've every seen.

All the pastors are ex junkies and such. Ride harleyes etc. There is non religion in this place only christianity.

Until then explore your options. You sound like a bright kid who knows who he is. You'd never be kicked outta my home. Until you are of age you may just hjave to play their game.
Until then why don't you explore all sorts of religious options to see what is what. But no matter what always march to the beat of your own drummer.

 

[~_Hiss_~]

Christianity is religion. The most popular in the world, and the one with the most blood on its hands (millions killed in its name)

I think it is unhealthy to have thoughts of being a low life sinner who needs saved. And being gay or many things sexual, is a "sin". Its not a good mindstate for someone like the OP, imo.

Not trying to turn this into a religious debate, but the OP stated he was uncomfortable being christian despite feeling somewhat obligated to.

 

[InsaneJane]

Growing up in pre-professional ballet school, i didnt really grasp the concept of homophobia untill fairly recently. Where I live its not uncommon to pass by transgendered prostitutes, but I forget that sexual orientation is still largely controversial in a lot of circles. When you venture a little further from your parents, I hope you can find somewhere with this kind of blind acceptance so you can carve out an identiy for yourself beyond the scope of whos in your bed. Also, I know its gunna be difficult to respect the catholic religion but what a few of my gay/lesbian friends have talked about (my parents arent religious so I have no real experience) is that they stopped picking apart the bible, and accepted it as something that is important to their family, and repsect it because it is important to them, not because you want to preach what they do.

I dont know if this is helpful at all but, 15 is frikkin hard no matter what.

 

[pLur4eVer<33]

thanks for the support guys. im glad to hear that at least some people understand where im coming from. tonight ill be rolling and counting down the new year with my closest friends. they always make me feel better, in fact i think that this year im just gonna dgaf it all. thanks again guys, happy new year