I fail at everything

[ish675]

if you fail at everything...
how do you fail failing?

When most people fuck up they just get over it and go on. I dwell on the "fuck up"; hence fail at failing. Either way, I've tried getting clean, but with chronic pain its even harder. I still live with my folks and that makes things so much worse. I've tried to find a productive hobby to spend my time and money on, I thought maybe if I found something better than morphine I could switch hobbies. Problem is, my parents think EVERYTHING I do is drug related. Example: I've always enjoyed chemistry and mechanical things, so I bought a few pieces of pyrex glassware and some basic chemicals to make an orange oil extract, and to do some basic learning about reactions. But of course my parents thought I was making meth, (I have only tried meth a few times and its not for me, my parents have no idea that I've tried it and I have no history with uppers. Meth is not even a big thing where I live) So they waited till I went to work and threw my expensive glassware and chemicals away. Then I took an interest in working on cars. I have a car but even though its mine its in my fathers name. (For insurance reasons) He won't let me do anything other than change the oil. I wanted to learn how to do some simple maintenance but for some reason that's not OK. I'm trying to find something I'm interested in or maybe even take some classes and find a career. I can't tho, I just feel boxed in, my parents hold me back from helping myself recover and feel better. All of their problems get thrown on to me. I want to move out again (I lived on my own for a few years but I lost my job and had to move back) but they do things to make it very difficult for me to go. I almost think I would be better off living in my tiny little car, the only thing that stops me is sleeping in the seat would fuck my back up. Sometimes I feel like that "tragic accident" is my only way out. I was doing 145 mph on a back road yesterday and seriously thought about just letting go of the wheel. The only reason I didn't was that I wanted to be 100% sure it was fatal and I didn't want to hit another car and ruin somebody else's life. I just feel stuck. AA / NA are somewhat helpful but as a young adult I feel left out of the meetings. (There area no young meetings here) It seems like whenever I try to do something nice for myself it backfires and ruins my self esteem. I asked a girl for her number a few days ago (for me that is a huge deal, it took me weeks to build up the courage just to talk to her, and months to ask for the number) and she said no. That rejection was too much. I don't think I'll ever be able to do something like that ever again. I've got to go do some shit now so I'll check in later. I just feel better letting somebody know how I feel. Thanks! You guys are the closest thing I've ever had to friends.

 

[ugly]

I fail at everything too. When I read the thread title I thought I had started it!

I'm old and still failing. I had a pretty good run when I wasn't failing, but that's SO over.

I'm in full fail now, with no income, possible foreclosure, blah blah you don't need to hear about my mess. You have your own.

But I'm with you. I understand every word you wrote. Thank you for posting and as you can see by now, you are definitely not alone. I think you will hit your stride and have some good fortune before too much longer.

When you do, enjoy it, and do whatever you can to prolong it, because failure does visit again. For me at least, it has come on so strong that I'm almost paralyzed. I don't even want to try anymore because I have failed so many times.

But I am trying. I hope that by this time next year I will have found a job that I can feel good about and where I fit in and feel at home. I hope that next holiday season I will have income and be able to give gifts. Talk about massive fail... I can't get my grandkids presents. God I feel like a pile of shit over that. I doubt the grandkids care. They are young and they get a TON of presents from family far and wide and they don't know (or care) who gave them what. It's just the idea that I have no funds. I hate my life. I should change my screen name to "grandma fail."

 

[chrisalt]

I fail at everything I try to do. I can't hold a job, get a girlfriend, move out of my parents house, or do anything good. I have no self esteem, I don't want to get up in the morning because I have nothing to look forward to. I don't have any friends, nobody cares about me, and I can't even stand to look at myself. I've always been told that I would never go anywhere; that I was useless and unattractive. Sure enough, I'm pretty fucking useless. I've been alone for so long I don't know what its like to be normal. I just want somebody I can talk to, somebody who can listen to me. Whenever I see a happy couple somewhere I try to accept that I will never have that, I just want to be happy. I'm broke because I can't hold a job and even if I were to make friends I could never go out and do anything because of my lack of money. My only solace is drugs, I long for a real relationship with a person but I don't think that will ever happen. Every night I think about ways to die, an OD on morphine seems more and more peaceful every time I think about it. If I were to kill myself I really have trouble imagining anybody caring. The only reason I don't do it is because I don't want too bother anybody. I welcome death, sometimes when i'm driving hope somebody veers head-on into my lane and hits me, or i have a blowout and smash into a tree at high speeds. I would never want to hurt anybody tho, which keeps me from doing anything. I'm such a pussy. If it was not for drugs I would have ended my life a long time ago. Most people say drugs ruin their life, for me they are the only reason to live. While most people are out at parties or out with friends, I'm at home, high, staring at my ceiling listening to music wallowing in my own self pity. I want to change but I don't know how. I hate myself, I feel like I'm crawling in my own skin. Even if I were to go out I don't know why anybody would want anything to do with me. I don't see any reason for anybody to even talk to me. I'm supposed to see my family for Thanksgiving but I feel so out of place, all of my cousins are in college and have healthy relationships, everybody has their boyfriend or girlfriend there and I've never brought anybody. Everybody in my family knows I'm an addict because of my moms big mouth, and I definitely get treated differently because of it. Last Christmas I left early to go shoot up in my car and sit in a parking lot alone, I told everybody I had to go eat dinner with my nonexistent girlfriend. Everybody knew it was a lie, I didn't care I just needed to leave. I've never been invited to a party or even to hang out with anybody. People only call when they need something from me. I don't care about anything, I have no hobbies or things I like to do. Drugs are the closest I've ever been to having a relationship. At least they're always there for me. I want this to end so bad. I just want to be normal but I guess that's impossible for me. I'm sorry to waste everyone's time but I just need to put that out and maybe somebody will understand.

Your not alone friend. I have a simular story. aside i work and have had gfs (Gfs can be nuts and when u do get one treat her rght but dont let her walk on you or that will be the rest of the relationship)I work because i have no choice. Id be homeless even tho i live at home theyd kick my ass out and toronto winters are cold lol. Picture what a new york winter would be like and its the same in toronto and southern ontario. I dont blame them btw im 25 only recently started holding jobs 3 or so years ago and put these wonderful people through so much shit i should be shot. All the jobs i have had are shit and blue collar because all i have is a highschool diploma. I just got one job a few months back that is promising but then even i can only make like 40,000 Canadian a year max and thats down the road. Thats my future...piss poor and prob on drugs with some crazy bitch who treats me like shit.

Bro when you see those happy couples know this. In public sure they look all lovey and what not but statistics show that relationship will end and the 2 will hate each other by the end of it. I have dated around 10 different broads and its always the same. So dont get down on urself. You will find someone and when you do you will wish hadn't im serious screeeeen any bitch u date. Hard. The moment you see crazy run.

As for being a failure Atm i make like 25000 as year. So in societies eyes im a failure. i dont live i survive. Also out of my brothers im the failure to. Sure they have there issues but they are "normal" small things that everyone deals with. Im the fuck up, drug addict loser back living at home with 200$ to my name and i work full fucking time and just pay bills (and drugs).

So when you think that your life is shit think of it this way. All ours are shit to. Thats just life.


The president of optimistic affairs,
Chrisalt

 

[ugly]

<snip>(Gfs can be nuts)

off topic alert:
I have two sons and two daughters. Gfs can be nuts because females are enormously problematic. My sons were good brothers and friends to each other until they got married. The wives don't like each other so my sons only see each other in their online gaming stuff, never in person.

It's a horrible thing to say and I'm going to say it anyway. My daughters are bitches. They don't like each other and they never have. They are both in their 20s but my oldest daughter is nearing 30 and drives me up the wall talking shit about her sister. I have to shut her up and then she gets mad at me. It's all my fault. I don't take sides so they both think I'm taking the other side. I'm a failure at being a mom to my adult daughters.

I'm also a failure as a sister. I don't understand my sister at all. You would think because we are middle age, we would get along. We pretend to when we see each other, but underneath, we don't like each other.

I'm not misogynistic. I am only speaking of my experience. I have two sons. I have two daughters. I have two daughtersinlaw.
The females are just a pain in the ass.

 

[chrisalt]

off topic alert:
I have two sons and two daughters. Gfs can be nuts because females are enormously problematic. My sons were good brothers and friends to each other until they got married. The wives don't like each other so my sons only see each other in their online gaming stuff, never in person.

It's a horrible thing to say and I'm going to say it anyway. My daughters are bitches. They don't like each other and they never have. They are both in their 20s but my oldest daughter is nearing 30 and drives me up the wall talking shit about her sister. I have to shut her up and then she gets mad at me. It's all my fault. I don't take sides so they both think I'm taking the other side. I'm a failure at being a mom to my adult daughters.

I'm also a failure as a sister. I don't understand my sister at all. You would think because we are middle age, we would get along. We pretend to when we see each other, but underneath, we don't like each other.

I'm not misogynistic. I am only speaking of my experience. I have two sons. I have two daughters. I have two daughtersinlaw.
The females are just a pain in the ass.

See i speak the truth. Females are nuts. You heard it from a women.

On a side note my brothers wives will prob think im a addict scum bag and when my older and younger bro's have families ill prob be excluded from seeing my bro's kids.

 

[ugly]

off topic alert

See i speak the truth. Females are nuts. You heard it from a women.

On a side note my brothers wives will prob think im a addict scum bag and when my older and younger bro's have families ill prob be excluded from seeing my bro's kids.

I'm risking getting caned with a mod stick here, but yea, females are really complicated. Some of us try to control it. Some of us deny it outright. Semi regular but often random flooding of different chemicals to the brain make us literal "lunatics" if you will.

About seeing your brothers kids:

My own children have used the "you can't see your grandchildren" line with me when they get pissed off. When your brother (probably his wife, not him) tells you that you can't see the kids, don't trip. The kids know who their aunts and uncles and grandparents are and if they like you, they will call you or text you or email you without their parents knowledge. The kids will love you regardless of whatever mood your brother is in so just ignore those stupid threats. I say "Fine. You and your whole family can just jump off a bridge if you like. I do not care." Once they realize that they didn't hurt you like they hoped they would, they will be defeated and they will know it.

 

[ish675]

As of 2 days ago I have started to taper off of my 7 year poly-opiate habit. I just ordered some Kratom from an online vendor that I trust, and I am looking forward to trying it. I acetylated some loperamide ( I don't want to discuss How, but loperamide never did anything for me at doses of close to and over 100mg, but o-acetyl loperamide in the 50mg range takes my W/D's away completely for at least 30 hours and gives me an itchy mini-nod) and stocked up on Kava Kava. I'm setting a goal that I will be able to visit my family for Christmas and not need to bring ANY drugs with me. That gives me 4 weeks to taper and eventually stop. I'm not 100% sure I want to be clean (off of opiates, I will most likely never stop smoking pot) but I figured it's worth a try. I'm so unhappy with the way things are going and I want to try something new with my life. I don't see how things could get worse, so I figure worst case they stay the same, best case things get better. My biggest concern is motivation. Like said in an earlier post, I have no reason to get out of bed other than to get high. I'm worried that I will literally wonder around aimlessly and have no point. I apologize for my spelling and shitty grammatical structure, I haven't slept in almost 2 days. I get so tired but cant sleep because my mind races a mile a second all night. I think I may have insomnia because I normally sleep about 4-5 nights out of the week. I've tried to get help but my parents think I'm just trying to get drugs. I was prescribed some Melatonin analogue by my regular doctor (as opposed to my useless-as-a-fucking-stick-in-the-mud pain management Doc) and my Dad said he would go pick up my script while he was out. He came home empty handed and told me I needed to wake up early and find a better job, and that he threw the prescription away. The shitty part is that because I'm on his insurance he has to approve everything I do. So not only do I have to convince my doctor that I'm broken; I also have to convince my refer-madness era Father that the medicine my doctor gives me is a good thing. I'm literally so tired i'm having trouble typing but i was just laying in bed for 5 hours with no sleep. I think I'm just rambling on at this point, I'll come back whenever I get some fresh sleep.

 

[bunge]

Good for you mate, sounds like your on the track. I cant understand your dads thinking tho, why have medical insurance and a doctor if hes going to ignore the advice and treatments?. It seems to me that he doesnt think your serious about sorting yourself out and lacks understanding about drug addiction and mental health. Sorry, I know hes your dad but people with that 'just pull yourself together' view make me so frustrated, so I can imagine it must be really tough for you at the min. Have you tried valerian for sleep? Its not super strong but is proberly as effective as the melatonin and should availible at health shops easy enough, its also a good anxiety. Anyway just want to say great job getting started on recovery, it wont be easy but your showing the strengh to get there.

 

[Mylifesucksass]

So nobody answered the original question about how to make a suicide look like an accident. I'm not an addict, but my life sucks. Every morning I wake up and dread the fact that I have another day to face. I'm a financial and emotional burden to my mom. Before all of my auto accidents (none of which were my fault) my mom and I had a great relationship. I had a great life. I was happy. My boyfriend and I were happy. After some loser pulled a hit and run and broke my back, I haven't been able to work, although I tried. I'm in chronic pain. I'm on more pain meds than I care to mention, and they're only to help me get out of bed; it's not like I'm enjoying them, although I think anyone else on them probably would. I've never felt high from my pain meds, although they're a little hardcore. I'm supposed to get spine surgery so I won't have to take the pain meds. I hate taking them because animals suffer in laboratories. I've gained weight because of the meds. I've had numerous (dozens) of pain blocker shots in my skull, my back, my legs, and I'm still in pain. I hate my life. I'm not living, I'm existing. My mom would be better off if I killed myself. She'd be able to enjoy her forced retirement, without having to help me with my bills. She wouldn't have to worry about arguments. She'd be able to spend money on herself for things SHE needs, instead of on my stupid bills. She wouldn't have to watch me suffer daily anymore. Sure, she'd be sad for a little while, but I think there'd be a HUGE weight lifted off her shoulders once I'm gone. The only reason I haven't killed myself yet is because of my mom, my dogs, and one or two friends. I'm going to try to sell off my belongings, and fix up my place, get rid of as much junk as I can, then there'd be less work for my mom and friends to do when I'm gone. I figure I'll make out my will, leave my surfboards and djembe to those who'd appreciate them, the sell everything else off to help my mom pay for my cremation. So again, has anyone found a way to make it look like an accident?

 

[herbavore]

I am really sorry to hear about the tragic loss of health and independence that you have suffered since your accident. We don't allow discussions on how to kill yourself but I did want to address some faulty thinking on your part about your mother. I am a mother whose son died in despair at his own life and what he imagined his future would be. The torment I feel as his mother that I could not provide him with hope and comfort cannot even be described. Your death would make your mother's days easier physically perhaps but she would feel terrible and deal with that feeling forever; in a way you would transfer your despair to become her despair.

Do you have any place to vent your frustrations and despair? Is counseling a possibility? It would probably help if you and your mom could even go together a couple of times.

I am not one to insist that people live for others when their lives are intolerable. Still, I am old enough to know that I have been through much pain--both psychological and physical that made me feel as you do now and yet it did not last forever. Everything changes. Even our relationship to pain changes. I can fully understand how destroyed your life must feel to you right now but I hope that you will live to transform that despair into an unexpected richness of being.

 

[cousinskeeter]

Your original post pretty much sums up my life story/exactly how I feel about myself, and hey I'm 24 so it could be worse right? But in all seriousness theres always better things to come and you sound like a pretty tough mofo having hung in there this long. Peace and love from cousinskeeter.

 

[DonStatus]

So nobody answered the original question about how to make a suicide look like an accident. I'm not an addict, but my life sucks. Every morning I wake up and dread the fact that I have another day to face. I'm a financial and emotional burden to my mom. Before all of my auto accidents (none of which were my fault) my mom and I had a great relationship. I had a great life. I was happy. My boyfriend and I were happy. After some loser pulled a hit and run and broke my back, I haven't been able to work, although I tried. I'm in chronic pain. I'm on more pain meds than I care to mention, and they're only to help me get out of bed; it's not like I'm enjoying them, although I think anyone else on them probably would. I've never felt high from my pain meds, although they're a little hardcore. I'm supposed to get spine surgery so I won't have to take the pain meds. I hate taking them because animals suffer in laboratories. I've gained weight because of the meds. I've had numerous (dozens) of pain blocker shots in my skull, my back, my legs, and I'm still in pain. I hate my life. I'm not living, I'm existing. My mom would be better off if I killed myself. She'd be able to enjoy her forced retirement, without having to help me with my bills. She wouldn't have to worry about arguments. She'd be able to spend money on herself for things SHE needs, instead of on my stupid bills. She wouldn't have to watch me suffer daily anymore. Sure, she'd be sad for a little while, but I think there'd be a HUGE weight lifted off her shoulders once I'm gone. The only reason I haven't killed myself yet is because of my mom, my dogs, and one or two friends. I'm going to try to sell off my belongings, and fix up my place, get rid of as much junk as I can, then there'd be less work for my mom and friends to do when I'm gone. I figure I'll make out my will, leave my surfboards and djembe to those who'd appreciate them, the sell everything else off to help my mom pay for my cremation. So again, has anyone found a way to make it look like an accident?

Please listen to us,

Suicide is the worst thing you could do right now, not only to you but to your friends and family. It is incredibly selfish to leave your loved ones with that guilt and burden for the rest of their lives. You would ruin the life of everyone that cares about you.

Trust me I know people who have attempted and even commited suicide and it's terrible.

Almost 4 years ago I posted on this thread in 2012 and I related with a lot you said and were going through.

Suicide is never the answer and you don't want to be remebered in that way.

PM me if you read this and need to talk to someone.

Remember that everyone goes through tough times in life, even terrible life changing events but that's what life is all about. Finding new ways to deal with things and moving on.

Things do get better.. even when you see no way out

trust me there is

hold in there

 

[nuttynutskin]

Your dad sounds like an asshole.