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blackbeard1138

Greenlighter
Joined
Jun 12, 2014
Messages
6
I've lurked here many a times. Usually when I am curious about a pill or something, I'll google "is such and such pill fun?" and it'll bring me here =D I dunno why I am posting, guess to say hello. I just got back from the dr. with a new script for Lamictal and my fav benz Temazepam. Dr. thinks I have bi-polarism or whatever you want to call it. I also have GAD and severe depression, and I suspect a touch of ADD although the Doc didn't think as much. I've survived three suicide attempts (one - very mild o/d, more of a call for help; two - self-inflicted GSW, ;third - major o/d that caused me to have a complete three day blackout and hallucinations, as well as a nice week vacation in the hospital with near organ failure) and have been homeless various times. Slept in a tent behind Walmart for a few weeks before I found a cop business card waiting for me upon my return. Right now staying in a spare room at my mom's house, which is a huge source of shame for me. She's got her own plethora of mental problems so it isn't easy at all. I went through 4 jobs year before last and am currently unemployed, broke and still severely depressed. Don't see much of a way out of things.

Guess I am disappointed I didn't get some kind of stims today. I've taken ritalin before and really loved the focus and energy it gave me. Before I was on zoloft and ativan and now my dr. took away my beloved ativan as he believes the lamictal will remedy the anxiety. I have plenty of atis left but I was actually hopeful he'd give me xanax as he had talked about doing that last time I saw him. Zoloft did fuck all for me. I find myself loosing interest in any and everything, including my passions of movies, video games, photography, writing, drawing and anything else.

Currently riding a slight temazepam wave so feeling ok. Started my lamictal dose so we'll see how that goes.
 
welcome to BL!!!

im sorry about your issues but it might be best man because living life in a drug addled haze brings its own set of problems rather than curing everything.
stay a while you may learn some things or teach us a thing or two;)

Its Nice to have you on board:)

Good luck let me know if you need any help and have fun.:)
These will give you some insight on how the site is run and the rules so you wont get any infractions on the forums-

Green lighters(newbies) guide-
http://wiki.bluelight.org/index.php/Greenlighters_guide

Bluelight user agreement-

http://wiki.bluelight.org/index.php/...reement_(BLUA)


If you want some help getting around the site or a buddy to talk to then you can always message me Im on the list of people willing to adopt you can find the link if you want to be adopted by me or another experienced member here-

Nmi adoption program-

http://www.bluelight.org/vb/threads/...Program-v-2014

Here are some drug forums you may like-

Other drugs-
http://www.bluelight.org/vb/forums/58-Other-Drugs

Basic drug discussion-
http://www.bluelight.org/vb/forums/1...rug-Discussion

Sober living-
http://www.bluelight.org/vb/forums/269-Sober-Living

Good luck don't be afraid to ask for help that's what I'm here for
 
Hey again.

Thanks for the warm welcomes. Yeah, it's rough. I don't have any friends anymore and spend like 99% of my time in this damn room. My mom has been in and out of the hospital the last month and may have to go back, so she lost her job. She's also convinced she's gonna die soon. She gets painkillers and valiums and occasionally, ambiens, and for some reason gives a lot to me, but she knows I get bad headaches and anxiety. She shouldn't give them to me because I go through them fast. They don't make me feel great like a lot of people's experience but they make me feel a little different and more interested in stuff, which is a huge improvement. But she I think is far more of an addict than I am, as she goes through them extremely fast. I've kept an eye on her meds, not to steal, but out of curiosity and she'll go through her meds in as little as a week.

It's weird to say, but when she was in the hospital because they had detected spots on her lungs, I felt nothing emotionally. She could have cancer or something leading to cancer, and yet I feel nothing. Yet this stray kitten I took in, because her mom left her, has fleas and I can't afford treatment, and it brings tears to my eyes when she scratches or meows like she's in pain. I feel more affection towards animals than I do people. I feel like my mom could die and I honestly don't know how I would feel. I may be more worried about being homeless again, but worse since my car is dead and probably will be for the foreseeable future. Am I a sociopath or psychopath for these feelings? I know it's very wrong to feel this way but honestly, I have no control over my feelings. I don't feel like hurting anyone else, save for a few people that have very much so wronged me, but I never would do anything to them.

I can honestly say I absolutely hate my life. I feel like no one gives a damn about me. I am extremely unhappy about 99% of the time, and since money has always been tight -- and made even worse now -- there is little I can do for help, therapy wise. All I can do is see my dr. occasionally and get meds, which since he isn't in psychiatry is always trial and error with what he gives me. Since I have no car, a few articles of clothing (a vicious roommate kicked me out over threat of violence and when I went ahead and left for a bit, she got rid of all my things save for a bag I packed -- I lost tens of thousands of dollars worth of stuff -- pretty much everything I owned and worked hard for), no confidence and have been unemployed for over a year, the job aspect is very dismal. I don't even think I can handle a job as even going out to run an errand is a source of great anxiety for me. I really can't see a way out of this situation. Neither can anyone else I've talked to, save for people that say I should just get over it and get a job.

Oh well, sorry for the long rant again. This is what happens when I have no friends and no one to talk to.

Thanks again for the welcomes, I do appreciate it.
 
Jeez man I read all of that, it sounds pretty full on what you're going through. I don't think you're a psychopath, you're just in the middle of what sounds to be a very stressful point in your life and it must be taking it's toll very hard.

How's your relationship with your mum? All good? It's good of you to be looking after her, I'm sure that does mean a lot to her.

Keep your chin up, this will all get better soon and you sound like a strong person to be handling all this.


Take care of yourself alright? :)
 
Hi and welcome to Bluelight :)
I don't think your emotions are "wrong", first of all no emotion is wrong, emotions are just what they are.
maybe you don't care much about people because you've been hurt for your whole life, and you don't trust anyone now.

I don't know man, have you ever thought about meditation to help your problems? no new age shit I promise. it could also reduce your meds usage and save you some money!
and it'd help control your emotions, or atleast handle them better.

good luck mate <3
 
Some real tough times man. But you sound hopeful with the new med. A Vet once told me any soap will kill fleas, you just have to keep it on the pet until it works. The carpet and such another matter.
 
Welcome to BL my friend! Sorry to hear about your situation. Comfortablynumb menationed meditation. meditation has to be probably one of the biggest life savers for me. I highly recommend it
 
welcome to bl hey im just trying to get 50 posts
dw he'll forget the next morning ;)
whats your address
youd be surprised on the iq ;)
 
medontknow said:
welcome to bl hey im just trying to get 50 posts
dw he'll forget the next morning ;)
whats your address
youd be surprised on the iq ;)
Click to expand...
Don't copy n paste your same message and post it on every other forum just to get 50 posts. That's not what this site is about, we're here for support, sharing knowledge and harm reduction. You're not helping this forum or any other forum by doing that. Its just selfish. Just throwing in some food for thought, somethin to think about
 
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