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  • TDS Moderators: AlphaMethylPhenyl | paranoid android

I don't want to kill myself but I don't want to live

falsifiedhypothesi

falsifiedhypothesi

Bluelight Crew
Joined
Feb 22, 2014
Messages
4,253
Location
Detroit MI
I have been depressed for a while. I don't find pleasure in anything and if I do it's fleeting, blah blah blah... (stereotypical sob story about being depressed)... you get the point.

Well anyway I just really don't want to live anymore but I don't want to die, as the title implies. I would prefer to be unconscious all the time and maybe wake up once in a great while just to see what's going on. Maybe I could just put myself into a coma or something?
 
Your definitely not alone I feel the same way pretty much which is why I pound opiates like Afghanistan is running outta poppies. I really don't have any helpful advice since the way I deal with it certainly isn't healthy. Guess I just wanted to let you know your not alone in your misery. Blue light helps a bit, keeps my mind off my misery a bit, that and Oxys... I'm a real winner!!!
 
how old are you? im 21, and a lot of people my age seem to be pretty unhappy, or they hide it well, or just keep themselves busy all the time, so dont think your alone in this

on the flipside i went to a classical concert a few days ago, and everyone there was very old, and they seem to predominately be happy and at peace with life.

i dont think its worth going into a coma, just because you havent learnt / implemented any coping strategies for dealing with depression

have you ever thought of seeing a psychologist and learning CBT, or seeing if there is a class that teaches mindfulness in your area?

depression is a very annoying phenomena, but there is also so much to learn from it, dont hate it, learn to love your depression!

for me, i like taking long walks in the park near my house every day (dont listen to music just the birds and the wind), yoga and meditation helps a lot, going for runs helps a lot, staying present in the moment helps a ton
 
If I had an off switch, ..id use it.

But I could never kill myself. I have to win and always do the best. Anything less than perfection is impossible to me.

All people are miserable. This fact creates gap that ends in catharsis.

The reason all people are miserable is because the natural state of everything is chaos.

Peoples bodies run on systems and order thru biology.

If u were on an island with no passerbys or animals to reference, you'd eventually not exist from consitency.

Pain is life.
 
ya opiates are my outlet too. the only thing I can really look forward to is the point where I can get my own house and grow poppies, for ornamental purposes of course. I'm not physically addicted to them but I do crave them a couple days out of the week. I really hate relying on them but they are really the only thing that helps.
 
Grow poppies!!!! Awesome lol.
A few trinkets definitely brighten the dark days for sure ;) we all do what we have to keep life livable even if it is drugs. I basicaly stay alive to get my scripts then I can go away for a few weeks and be at peace somewhat. Then 1 week buying pills then 1 week subs to not be sick, that sub week is a fucking miserable week of pain. This is what keeps me going though. Otherwise I'd be institutionalized in a nuthouse or something like that. 35 yrs down, maybe 10-15 left to suffer through. The years go by fast even though it seems monatanous.
 
falsifiedhypothesi said:
I have been depressed for a while. I don't find pleasure in anything and if I do it's fleeting, blah blah blah... (stereotypical sob story about being depressed)... you get the point.

Well anyway I just really don't want to live anymore but I don't want to die, as the title implies. I would prefer to be unconscious all the time and maybe wake up once in a great while just to see what's going on. Maybe I could just put myself into a coma or something?
Click to expand...
Op there must be something that you like doing, do you really find life to be not pleasurable? There's so mamy things in life that is worth living for, uour family? Friends? I think that we should always be thankful for being alive, just think of the people who have a few months to live, they fight to be alive. There are so many things that I despise about life but I am not letting go of the family, friends, my favorite show to watch, the ramen place, the chocolates the beautiful beach, vacations and new adventures.
 
That´s sad, but you are too young for having thoughts like this. You have an entire life ahead of you. As they all say, "that too, will also pass".
Good luck and patience! It´s a phase, trust your instincts.
All the best! :)
 
Is it that obvious from my post that I'm young? Maya I already said I get some pleasure for a short time but it doesn't last, there is the initial spark and then complete disinterest. Why should I be generally thankful to be alive? If I live in complete misery 99% of the time why should I be thankful for that?
 
its pretty obvious.. be thankful you have eyes to see with, be thankful for you heart that works 24 hours a day to keep you alive, be thankful for living in a country that isn't war torn or in complete poverty, be thankful for being born into this beautiful world, be thankful for the food you have to eat every day, be thankful for being prosperous enough to own the computer you are using to connect and learn from others.
 
I'm sorry your feeling this way, anyone who is; not just the O.P

I often wonder if people are sensing the disarray and pain of the World at large. Since the internet and social media has made Global information so available, I wonder if 'we' let too much in; and to allow everything in, or even just a small amount, well its no wonder depression has increased drastically in the past 2 decades or so.
So what does one do about it? Sometimes meds help and sometimes it's much simpler like going for walk in the woods; enjoy the simple things in life like every breath you take. REmember your views when you were a child and take some advice from your younger self and lighten up.
Hard when stuck but none the less, do able.
Reflect. For all the shite in the World, there is way more GOOD; all you gots to do is look
 
falsifiedhypothesi said:
Is it that obvious from my post that I'm young? Maya I already said I get some pleasure for a short time but it doesn't last, there is the initial spark and then complete disinterest. Why should I be generally thankful to be alive? If I live in complete misery 99% of the time why should I be thankful for that?
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I have gone through this and I could say I know the feeling. I´m pretty sure that, at this moment, nothing will satisfy or give the responses you are looking for. But I guarantee that this phase will get better. You could find someone or someone could find you. There are ways to solve this chemically if you go to a physician. But that´s not even near my point. What I would like to say to you is to be patient and know that this bad feeling that your going through will go away. Don´t be thankful now. This clearly is not the moment.
It´s our nature though, we deal with special moments but we have gears to manage pain and sadness. You would be surprised to know how life can be interesting and surprising when you least except, no matter what you do, you will end this nicely and smoothly. Not in one day but in due course.
From your words I can already tell you are good! Just hold on, ok
My kindest regards to you and all my best!! :)
 
I wasn't really looking for pity but thank you all anyway for your responses. I guess there's no real solution to this except to wait it out, or continue to suppress it as much as possible.
 
dnt suppress it, welcome it in and see it as an opportunity to look inside yourself and see what isn't benefiting you and is the root of your depression
 
What's up false, another spec-fucking-tacular day huh? Lol. I know what u mean though it's nauseating trying to think of all the "happy" thoughts, especially when the past hasn't been very ficking happy. Friends, family, tv, food. Nada, nada, nada, nada. For some it doesn't exist. All the worlds suffering, yup that ones dead on but fuck the world. Idk about u but looking out the window at the happy fucking people infuriates me. No pity from me false, I'm in the shit with ya. I don't have solutions, wish I did. You look back, dark. You look forward, dark. You look outside at 12 noon on the sunniest day, dark! When does it end? The depression meds blahhh, zombifying. I've gotta couple of years on u but I still haven't figured it out but yet we still have to live in this shit world and go to the store, see neighbors, deal with humans, it's all fucking maddening. Well, i seriously hope you can figure it out before you get to my age. A lot of people do so I really hope that for u. Maybe u can find a way to make the best of it. Try the anti depressants, they really help some folks. I wish I had more to offer besides my overwhelming understanding. Anyway I'm gonna go read some more shit I guess so ill ttyl false, keep your head up and god bless...
 
falsifiedhypothesi said:
I wasn't really looking for pity but thank you all anyway for your responses. I guess there's no real solution to this except to wait it out, or continue to suppress it as much as possible.
Click to expand...

As said, don't suppress it but use BL to write about it. And yes, you will have to wait for it to pass. ..and pass it will.

I went into a deep funk/depression at age 20 and did not come out until 1 1/2 years later. I had some of the same symptoms you have described. For 6 months I suffered in silence but my friends and family knew something was up and my father took me to the doctor. I was put on something, don't remember the name of it, but this being 1976, I'm sure it was a tri-cyclic medication. Yeah I'm an old fart, 58, and I am telling you to wait it out because it is worth that wait. I am so glad I didn't act on the thoughts I had about leaving it all behind. Be thinking good thoughts about you fh!
 
I don't want to minimize, but please make sure you are getting enough Vitamin D. I was severely deficient and I was also getting quite suicidal with this. It was like night and day when I figured it out. I hope you feel better. I am now on 2,000 units a day of D3. The problem is pretty common but they don't think to check. My psychiatrist kept suggesting and Ignored him. Finally my family dr checked cuz I said I was having leg cramps when I would exercise. I was exercising to feel an uplift in my mood. I was actually thinking of just up and leaving my family or overdosing on heroin. I am serious that is how bad I was feeling. All it took was this vitamin which is actually a hormone. It may not be that easy for you, but if physical causes aren't ruled out they should be.
 
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I've been taking multivitamins and fish oil, I've also been to the doctors recently and they have confirmed that I have no deficiencies commonly tested for. I'm healthy as a goddamn horse, besides the smoking and other various drugs.

Ya I guess I'm with you cliffy haha.
 
I still would take a vitamin D supplement. The standard for what is normal is not really what is optimal. It can help boost mood. L tyrosine can be helpful too. Take it twice daily on an empty stomach .
 
I wish you weren't cause it's a miserable existence but eh, fuck it man. I got a cool ass kitty and he gives me a smile once in awhile, getting a pet may help u a bit. They never judge, never crush your soul, and they sense when your really feeling bad and they don't want anything except a cheap meal. I've found a sliver of sanity with my little buddy. Sometimes I think if it weren't for him I'd just call it a life but he depends on me and I really love him so I push those thoughts aside for him. I can't do that for myself cause I really don't give a shit about myself, but for my cat I can. I got him as a kitty when some girl I used buy scripts from was moving and was gonna have to take him to the pound where he'd be put down probably. I took him instead and he's had a great life for the most part, except for having such a miserable s.o.b as an owner. He's never let me down though. Idk it's just an idea false, he does help make life a little better so I just thought I'd throw that idea out there for u. It's not the same as the human interaction that I guess I used to enjoy long long ago. Idk if it's the same for u but I've been shit upon so many times by "people" that I'm pretty much all set with socializing. I just can't bring myself to deal with the bullshit anymore, the little niceties of everyday life like the fake fucking smiles we have to put on for everyone when we go out. The "hey how u doin?" Question that people really don't want a truthful answer for. And then we gotta pretend to be interested while they rabble on about all their "huge" problems, lmfao!!! It's all just so tiring and personally, well, I just can't pretend anymore. It takes way to much energy. It all seems never ending and overwhelming when I'm not on some oxy or some shit. I've tried countless ways of "fixing" my problems, all to no avail. I'm sure your going through something very similar that why I'm bringing this all up. I used to think I was the only one who was going through this kinda shit, like I was fuckin weird or something. Once I joined bluelight I realized that I was far from alone in feeling this way. There's more than a few of us here that just live within ourselves, in our own heads and in our own worlds. I've found some people that can relate here and it's a small improvement to what seems like a wasted life. Well that's pretty much what I wanted to tell u about anyways, my kitty helps me deal with it and bluelight helps me to deal with it. Just wanted u to know things that helped me a bit so maybe they can help u as well. Alright brother I'll ttyl..
 
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