I don't really know why I'm making this thread

[DeathDomokun]

I don't know why I'm about to write this, but as everything I do seems pretty fucking futile I guess it can't hurt. By the way I don't have much of a train of though, or memory, so this'll probably jump back and forth and not have an orderly manner to it.
My headspace is fucked and I'm getting sick of it
Okay, for about 2 and a half years now I've been feeling off.
2 years ago I thought I was depressed and I look back now and realize how stupid it was of me to think that, and even now, I don't know if I'd call myself depressed or not.
Before all of this started I wouldn't really have thoughts, I mean I'd think but we all think, I mean in the sense that I wouldn't sit down and constantly hear my thoughts. I wouldn't wonder about things. For about the first year of this mess I hadn't done any drugs but caffeine/medicine and been drunk once or twice.
During the first year my thoughts were my enemy, I'd always overanalyze things, over think things, I'd always hear these thoughts, and they weren't always the nicest thoughts.
When I was around people I'd be okay so to speak, I'd try to seem happy, as I still do sometimes, I don't even know how I act, my life is a hazy mess.
Anyway, when I'd get to my room I'd be okay but as time passed I'd feel worse and worse, I'd get pretty depressed, I'd just feel like shit really.
But I could handle it as it hadn't progressed to the extent it's at now.
The next year things started getting out of hand, I still kept close relationships, I still had love from friends, but my head was getting worse and worse.
I started smoking weed this year because I was getting suicidal, and I needed a break from my feelings.
My feelings are hard to convey because it's not like I was always depressed, even if I felt like shit when I saw my friends I'd be this loud asshole always making people laugh and not giving a fuck, but when I got home my head would turn on me.
Now it wasn't like this 24/7, I'd feel like shit around people and I'd feel okay at home, but this is generally how it went.
So as I started to smoke weed my opinions started to change for the better, I gained a better sense of the world, I started thinking more broadly, but no matter what I read, no matter how I tried to think, I'd still feel like this.
At the end of the second year I tried to kill myself, but obviously that failed.
My feelings got worse and I lost all my close relationships. I don't feel capable of creating intimacy/closeness, loving, truly caring for someone that is in my life, only someone from my past, a memory, someone that plagues my thoughts.
I usually have someone on my mind, but it's hard to explain. It's not usually thoughts per se, it's not a thought of her, it's like she's just frolicking in my subconscious, fucking with my head. Although things remind me of her and I do have thoughts about her she's always on my mind in a way that's hard to convey.
I don't know what I'm saying or where to continue from this rambling so I'll just go into my situation now, things that I haven't mentioned.
Life is getting pretty unbearable for me, it doesn't matter whether I had a good day or a shit day at the end of the day life just doesn't seem worth it.
My "good" feelings don't seem worth getting through the day, life seems so fucking useless to me, if I'm not enjoying it, and it's making me suffer, I'm getting really sick of it.
I hate being myself, and I take drugs so I don't feel like myself.
The only thing I truly care about is in my memory, and although my thinking of "If I can get through yesterday I can get through today" has worked and will continue to work, I'm just really fucking sick of it..
My head is so fucked, I'm so different, and alone, and I'm hurting.
I don't know if it changes anything but my father, along with several of my uncles and my grandmother all have severe bipolar, but I don't think I do.
As I said this seems futile, but there's the chance that I'll get a reply that can help me in anyway, so if you've read this far, thanks for your time, I know I'm just wasting away mine.

 

[Asclepius]

My feelings got worse and I lost all my close relationships. I don't feel capable of creating intimacy/closeness, loving, truly caring for someone that is in my life, only someone from my past, a memory, someone that plagues my thoughts.

I completely get this. I have often felt this way and I think it is a coping mechanism. When you are depressed the last thing, you want is to be open to people who can see how vulnerable you feel/are but there is an innate desire to fullfil closeness/intimacy; so to reconcile the conflict it is safer to live in memories and dreams.

Life is getting pretty unbearable for me, it doesn't matter whether I had a good day or a shit day at the end of the day life just doesn't seem worth it.
My "good" feelings don't seem worth getting through the day, life seems so fucking useless to me, if I'm not enjoying it, and it's making me suffer, I'm getting really sick of it.
I hate being myself, and I take drugs so I don't feel like myself.
The only thing I truly care about is in my memory, and although my thinking of "If I can get through yesterday I can get through today" has worked and will continue to work, I'm just really fucking sick of it..
My head is so fucked, I'm so different, and alone, and I'm hurting.

Man if your hurting this bad it would be an idea to go look for some kind of help. Life is for living and you dont deserve to be stuck in this and trying to sort it all out on your own.
It doesn't appear that you are rambling at all, just that your expressing genuinely what you're feeling and it is very clear that you are in alot of personal distress and are trying to figure it out.

I don't know if it changes anything but my father, along with several of my uncles and my grandmother all have severe bipolar, but I don't think I do.
As I said this seems futile, but there's the chance that I'll get a reply that can help me in anyway, so if you've read this far, thanks for your time, I know I'm just wasting away mine.

It sounds like you are depressed and you may/may not have some form of bi-polar- it is really a good idea to get a diagnosis from your Docter anyway to rule things in/out, just in an effort to look after the basics that you can.
Suicide attempts are not to be taken lightly, if you are in such a dark, lonely place you really dont need to take it all on your own shoulders hun.
Feel free to PM me whenever!
Look after yourself Death Dom.

 

[adder]

Hey,

I can say that more or less my mental situation is similar to yours in many aspects you mentioned. I suffer from BPD with short manic episodes and long depressive episodes lately. The reason I started taking drugs was my inability to cope with the world I saw everyday. I hear I grew up earlier than my peers. It's true I had a totally different way of looking at life and future when I was a teen and my colleagues didn't take anything seriously. I eventually separated from friends. And it's not that I didn't talk with them etc. But I stopped spending time with them outside my school. They saw I'd changed but even if someone tried to help me get closer to the group again, they always failed. They didn't really care.

Sometime later I found myself in a group of people where my age was below the average. I always had it easier to socialize with older people. But at the same time my addiction deepened. There was a girl I was with for like 9 months with a break when she left the country. She died 4 years ago. And this group of my friends dissolved in the end as a result of many events.

My current situation is shitty. I'm stuck on methadone, I ended my addiction to morphine and a great deal of other opioids. But I'm not on the maintenance program, programs are full in my country. I'm stuck on clonazepam and I know I won't get off it unless I will be able to get a high enough dose of methadone. I want to migrate from my country - I can't because I'm not on the MMT and I won't smuggle the syrup in some mineral water bottle. Eventually I would find myself in a position where I would need some opioid because I'd run out of methadone. Well, I'm running out of it even here, I can't afford my needs buying "on the street".

I've got a big problem with the past just like you. I can't sleep without dulling myself with dexbrompheniramine. Nothing really helps. And it's funny but I've been looking for weed for a few days now and I can't meet my old friends in my estate. It's funny because I could get e.g. morphine in ampules in an hour but I don't have contacts with people who smoked weed. And I just wanted it as a sleep aid so I don't think about the past at night and boost methadone a bit so I don't have to drink so much. Society puts us addicts all into one sack. This is an example they are so wrong...

I lost a lot of things in the past, I lost a lot of time in the past. I can't forgive myself. And still when I go out, I put my mask on and nobody knows about my problems. Even these few friends I've got have no idea how I struggle everyday with thoughts. There was a time I was perfectly fine with my past. But eventually it all came back. I know I can't relate with you concerning the solution to the problem but I know very well what would make me reconcile with the past. There are just obstacles I can't jump over.

I won't be the one to encourage you to talk about your problems with a therapist or things like that. It never worked for me. If you figure out what would make you reconcile with your past and make it happen, it will be much more helpful than talking to strangers with diplomas.

 

[DeathDomokun]

Everytime I go on dissociative state i get stuck in a loop

 

[DeathDomokun]

cAN YOU DELETE SOMEONE FROM YOUR MEMORY?

 

[Captain.Heroin]

cAN YOU DELETE SOMEONE FROM YOUR MEMORY?

No, I'm sorry, this is seemingly impossible. Why do you ask though?

 

[DeathDomokun]

@Asclepius If it was a coping/defense mechanism why can't we control it? I mean what if you want to be able to create new memories, new situations, a new life?
I mean everyone gets hurt, so why do we all deal with everything so differently? Why are there so many possibilities yet I feel stuck like this? You're really kind.

@Adder I wish you all the best, I truly do. I hope you can pull yourself out of this, because it fucking sucks being down here.

@Captain.Heroin Sorry about those posts. I asked because it seems like a good idea since I can't seem to find contentment with my current situation even though I've got nothing to complain about physically, only my head...

 

[adder]

Again you mentioned some person from which I deduce it was someone very close to you. I had such a person too in my life. This person passed away 4 years ago. I learned to live life without that person eventually. It took me some time but I succeeded. So many things happened during these 4 years and so many other problems appeared that it actually solved itself, it had to...

Mentally is how all these problems actually keep destroying you. I mean, sure, I count every stupid ml of this damned syrup because methadone withdrawal is much worse than heroin's or anything similar. I knock and knock on the MMT doors but it's full here. Last time I even heard from a doctor "I couldn't even take you for a detox because I don't have methadone for that". I hate living in this country and I'm so ready to leave it for ever but the fact I'm not on the MMT is the obstacle. I don't want to stay in this shit and buy methadone abroad. Sometimes I've seen such dirty syrup that some particles were floating in solution... And I just simply don't want to think about running out of methadone because I'm just about to take a certificate test and I just need it and what happens next I sometimes don't care.

 

[Wolfmans_BrothEr]

cAN YOU DELETE SOMEONE FROM YOUR MEMORY?

You should watch eternal sunshine of the spotless mind

 

[Asclepius]

^Exactly what I was thinking!

@Asclepius If it was a coping/defense mechanism why can't we control it? I mean what if you want to be able to create new memories, new situations, a new life?
I mean everyone gets hurt, so why do we all deal with everything so differently? Why are there so many possibilities yet I feel stuck like this? You're really kind.

Thanks man. Takes one to know one and all that!...

I think to create new memories you have to create the mental and emotional space for them to come in first, ya know?
Sometimes these things take time(with concious effort) and the more we try and force and control them the more they resist and the coping mechanism kicks back stronger(to protect us against ourselves).
However you have to accept, recognise and get familiar with the anxieties that are keeping you stuck in a loop, first of all(which is unpleasant and bloody annoying but..)-and then decide whether they are worth hanging on to/investing in, these things take time. Be patient with yourself, dont ignore things but dont force things that cant be forced either!


Sometimes these things appear to have a life of their own. We think we are in control of so much more than we are. You have to work with your own flow and not against it, you need to start getting genuinely honest with yourself about how you are feeling ATM(not trying to impose how you should feel) and deal with the basics, before any of the other action can be tackled. You got to break a Horse in and put it at ease before you can ride that damn thing!
Perhaps you havn't accepted/addressed the feelings that are attached to the memory of that person and the memory is plaguing you; as a reminder of the feeling(your feeling) that is associated with that image/memory(hope that makes sense?)

... Just bear in mind, if you force these issues and start knocking yourself too hard, to wish yourself out of it alone, everything can become a frustrating tug of war.
Manage the sum of it's parts first before you tackle the whole.

Apologies for the vague ramblings and sounding like Yoda! Am tired and cant be any more concrete ATM!

DeathDom, keep in mind that you dont need to figure it all out yourself and all too immediately- Take your time, you wont get all the answers when you want and you will drive yourself to distraction in the process. Look after yourself and be gentle with yourself man.

 

[DeathDomokun]

@Adder It's good to hear that you succeeded, even if under bad circumstances. I figure time is the only thing that will help me, it's just time seems to go by so slowly, yet I'm so unaware and unmindful, I can't explain it. I don't know if it's because I've got no hobbies or ambitions or life or whatever the reason be, but at the same time I can look at the beginning of the year and it doesn't seem like a long time, my life is so hazy and I sort of slowly drift through time, without taking anything in, if that makes sense. I know that it's all mental, I can't figure it out. Physically, my situation is good, I've got nothing to complain about, but I feel like shit. I'm suffering, and bringing it all upon myself, and I just don't know how to stop it. Pain is inevitable, but suffering.. That's a choice I can't seem to change..
I really hope you beat this opiate addiction. Don't let the doctors get to you, they're just fucking stupid. It's their job to help you but the system is fucked, and you don't deserve that. All the best man.

@Wolfman I've heard of it, but I'm not really into romantic comedy's, and although the premise seems alright I've got a whole bunch of movies I still haven't seen because they can't keep my attention..

@Asclepius I know what you mean but there's all this space in my head, compared to what used to be in there, I think the pain just takes up more room so to say than it should.. If I put in the effort to change it, it backfires. If I leave it be, it's still bad. Time has helped since it first started but it's not grounded, it's so unstable.. I'm unstable
I try so hard to accept the situation, but I always end up changing it, trying to regress to something I can no longer have.. I know that I should accept the truth, and let go, but I don't seem to be able. I can't find a middle ground, I can't find anywhere, I'm lost..
I don't even know how I act. I try to accept things as they are, but I can't even tell you whether I try to change and control things or just leave them be, because my memory is so weird. I can't get in touch with myself like others seem to be able to, and I just try to cope, but I never know how, I'm just running blind.
I know you're not trying to impose how I should feel, you're going out of your way to try to help, I just don't know what my feelings are. It'shard for me to explain things, it's like I don't feel things but there's always this pain there, and then sometimes I'm just overwhelmed with pain. Even when I'm laughing I don't feel good, I don't know how it makes me feel, I just can't seem to be content with things, even if I accept them..
I think that's part of it, since I don't really know what my feelings are, I just feel things randomly, or break down randomly, or I guess try to ignore things until it's unbearable. It does but it's not really a memory or an image, it's like an idea, a concept. It's like there's this magical thing, and I don't remember specifics, I just think about it, if that makes sense.
It's all so vague and esoteric, I can't analyze much of it at all to be able to take baby steps, all I seem to be able to do is wallow in this pity..
You've got nothing to apologize for, it all made sense.
Thanks for taking the time to write these, I really appreciate it. Have a good day/night, and all the best.


If any of what I say doesn't make sense just tell me what and I'll try to convey it in a different manner.

 

[zombiesarepeaceful]

You sound freakishly close to my own thoughts

 

[nuttynutskin]

I can relate to a lot of what you wrote... Sounds to me like you're dealing with some serious depression/add.

 

[DeathDomokun]

@Zombies I hope you can get through this too, man

@Nutty I've wondered whether I've developed some undertone of adhd or something of the likes, but I was wondering what makes you say that, I'm not offended but I'm curious what makes you think that

 

[nuttynutskin]

@Nutty I've wondered whether I've developed some undertone of adhd or something of the likes, but I was wondering what makes you say that, I'm not offended but I'm curious what makes you think that

Just what I got from reading what you wrote and comparing it to my own problems. I've lived with depression for as long as I can remember and also have a lot of similar feelings as far as what sound to me to be sort of add like. I also just saw that you said your father and some other relatives have severe bipolar but you don't think you do. I wouldn't rule that out so quickly tho because a lot of mental illness can be hereditary. Personally I hope you can get some sort of help for yourself or at least find a way to be happier because I don't think you deserve to go through life feeling so depressed. I know it's easier said than done, it's something I struggle with every day.

 

[zombiesarepeaceful]

I've wondered whether I've developed some undertone of adhd or something of the likes, but I was wondering what makes you say that, I'm not offended but I'm curious what makes you think that

I'm actually adhd, since you sound close to me...it could be a possiiblity. The majority of shrinks say that adhd has to be in the presence of someone as a kid, and some people don't grow out of it, and won't make an add diagnosis unless the person was like that as a kid...but alot of people go undiagnosed as kids...as did I, wasn't diagnosed til I was 17

 

[nuttynutskin]

How's it going Death?

 

[DeathDomokun]

Sorry about the late reply, I was unable to get on a computer until now.
@nutty Thanks man, same to you.
@zombies I could have it, but even if I did I don't think it'd be a good idea for me to have a supply of Adderall, even though I'd love that..

 

[DeathDomokun]

Alright guys, I've been to psychiatrist before and he was a total fuckhead, I also saw a pyschologist twice and he was okay but all he did was utter things I was already aware of. I think depression can be fixed on your own and it's proving to be a bitch.. I can't explain it but I hated it. I felt uncomfortable, awkward, and a little intimidated talking to some stranger who I disliked in the first place. I'm thinking I should try anti-depressants, I've heard of people taking OTC drugs to help their depression but theirs didn't sound similar.. I just don't want to go through the hastle of seeing another psychiatrist only to be discouraged and not go again.. What do you guys suggest? I'm just getting so sick of it..

 

[whippa craka]

It seems like all you have done is done some recreational drugs and lots of thinking the past couple years. Try to go and get some help, especially with the family history. Imagine being diagnosed with something and a simple pill taking care of 90% of your issues... A whole new world could be opened up.

EDIT: Go to a doctor first, literally copy and paste what you just typed and hand it to him/her. Let them refer you to a good psychiatrist or clinic and notify him of your bad experiences. Dont go to a psychiatrist you find in the phonebook, family doctors are your friends here.