I don't normally share my poetry....

[kapheen']

I've been feeling a lot of extreme emotion over the past couple months. I usually can catch some of those moments in words. I feel that they're decent, but I'd like others honest opinions. I'm no veteran. Here's two that I've written recently.

Time will stop for us
in our moment of beauty
You've drugged me
with all that you do to me
I've vanished
into your eyes
and the only thing left
is this magnificent sunrise
Wrapped in wonder
struggling for air
Please tell me
are you actually there
I breathe you in
so very deeply
Tasteing everything about you
ever so sweetly
I want this moment
forever to last
But each moment that passes
becomes the past

As I drink in
all that remains
powerful doubts
and unrelenting pains
I feel this distance
infinately deep
the only time I touch you
is when I sleep
feeling hopeless
cut by love again
where are you now
my best friend
eternal memories
sparks from the shore
taunting me wildly
what I cant have anymore
vividly damaged
as I turn from the sun
But I cant help but tell myself
that you were the one

 

[tokenname]

i felt it, when i read it. when someone says that to me,
it always means alot.

-Wrapped in wonder struggling for air -I breathe you in -Tasting everything about you
-each moment that passes becomes the past -As I drink in all that remains

i'm as far away from a critic as it gets..
but if you'd just want to know..
as the reader, i found these sets the most affecting.^
i thought it was very nice - and cool of you to share it..
so thanks.

 

[Galaxies]

that was very good man

 

[ForEverAfter]

Yes, I felt this one too. Nice work.

I have a couple of tweaks for you.

It should be: "I want this moment to last forever"
rather than: "I want this moment forever to last"

Forget the rhyme scheme. It's not consistent anyway.
It gives the first stanza more punch, this way.

...

The end of the second stanza needs a tweak, too, I reckon.
I would cut "what I cant have anymore" (my least favorite line), along with "vividly damaged".

taunting me wildly
as I turn from the sun

and I'd cut the first "but" from the second-last line.

I cant help but tell myself
that you were the one

Three little tweaks.

Take them or leave them.

Either way, I really enjoyed reading.

Welcome to Words.




PS. There's nothing wrong with "vividly damaged". It's just linguistic cannon fodder. Kill your darlings, as they say.

 

[kapheen']

Thanks for the replies. ForEverAfter, I've done some editing after reading your post.

I have a hard time getting out of the rhyme scheme (though I do have multiple attempts). My mind always goes to that place, where I want everything to rhyme, when I'm thinking of writing.