I don't know what to do anymore

[Kipo]

Im confused. I used to be smart, get all A's and B' in school. I used to be clean cut. I had a family that loved me and good friends. How the fuck did I end up here?

Now, i have half my family, the other half of my 'family' possibly hates my guts right now. I thought they all knew, i mean we havent seen eachother for like 2 or 3 years now, but apparently everyone is just noticing. My parents wont tell me shit about whats going on with that, and I have no way of contacting anyone. I dont care to either. The ones that did know completley flipped on me and pressed legal charges. I still dont know whats up with that. You are probably confused though so ill give you the short version.

Basically, me and my cousin had crushes on eachother for years but never did anything. Me being a horny little bitch, decided to take action. She slept over, yadda yadda, we end up in bed at night. We dont do anything, but it led to a thought, lets see how far i can get. Next day, she goes home, and i tell her that i touched her ass while she was sleeping (I didn't). Two months fly by and my other cousin calls me, apparently he knows. He says he's going to tell my whole family. I dont know who found out, but my parents sure as hell did. I end up being grounded for about 6 months, and sent to an outpatient rehab. The rehab part is due to other lies i decided to make which i will get to in a moment. This pretty much obliterated ANY trust i had with my parents. To top it off, I got absolutley wasted at school and magically dodged legal charges (until the next time i got wasted at school). So that pretty much brought my parents trust down into the negatives.

My lies. This is fucking hard. I lie to the point where I start to belive it. The reason my parents sent me to rehab was because of my lies. They thought i did acid and crack among other more common things. For a 14 year old, thats pretty bad. Exept i had only smoked bud twice at that point. Twice. So yes, I did not belong in rehab. All my friends thought i did the same shit. This lying went up to the extent of me not being able to be honest with anyone. This place, no shit, is the first place i have been completley honest.

And belive me, this created alot more stress. I can only go out for an hour at a time (If that), and i lost half my 'family'. So being around alot more drugs than I was used to... indulged. Got drunk almost everday in the last quarter of sophmore year, did it all summer, and did it again junior year until I got busted. I somehow managed out a 200 dollar fine for passing out drunk at school. So maybe i have some greater purpose or something. It was my first offense, so maybe thats why. But now im officially in the legal system. Just enough to keep me from getting a job.

And on top of worrying about a future employer finding out about that. Ive also got my grades against me. I failed every single fucking class this last semester. Every damn one. So Im being pushed towards summerschool. Since my drunken ass kept me away from drivers ed, I decided to sober up over the summer and work on that. And what the hell, ill make up an english or math class so i can graduate on time. Then the law said "fuck you". I need to pass all my classes to take drivers ed. This means I would have to take it next year (senior year) during second semester. Its pointless, i might as well wait till Im 18 right? Noooooooo. Its required to graduate.

If i took english and chemistry over the summer. Id have...

1st-Gym, gym, math, english, consumer ed class, social studies class, science, art, lunch

2nd- Gym, gym, math, math, english, social studies class, science, drivers ed, consumer ed, lunch

I have 8 classes. I also need to pass the previous class before i advance to te next one. So it is literally impossible unless I go next year. I also have a heart condition, so the double gyms would be hell on my heart. Plus, according to the district, I NEED a lunch period. So there is no way I could graduate on time. Even so, this schedule is with summerschool. Which is 2 hours for chemistry, 4 for english. Chemistry is 6 weeks, englsh is 3. And of course it ends the day AFTER my birthday. So yay, 6 hours of school, happy birthday. I didnt want to do anything over the summer to start with. Its easier just to go next year, learn what I can, then take my GED. Which is what Im considering. I need to decide by today. Ive got about 3 or 4 hours before its too late to sign up or back out. I really dont know what to do anymore.

I've had stress induced (I assume) hallucinations for about a month and a half now. Its just getting worse and worse. I can't keep this shit up anymore, my eyes are bloodshot from the stress, and i think i popped a vessel or something in my eye too cause theres this blood patch.

Somebody please help.

 

[SinisterMuffin]

I could be wrong, but I think you'd be happier if you did the work to make up the failed classes and took everything so that you can graduate with a diploma. You'd feel a much larger sense of accomplishment in the long-run. It might be stressful, but you can definitely do it. Perhaps talk to your parents about going to a therapist... That way you'd have someone to talk to about your compulsive lying (it could possibly be a disorder?), about the issues you've been having with your family, and would help give you a place to let off steam (stress). There's nothing wrong with needing a little help now and then, and perhaps a therapist could help reinstate some trust between you and your parents if they endorse the idea.

I know it looks and seems impossible right now, but you can do this. It'll take some extra work, but just try to get a good night's sleep each night, eat healthy, and exercise often. It might sound silly, but it really help your mood and stress-management if you make sure your body is healthy.

 

[Kipo]

I know i would be happier. But its going to be hell for my stress. Plus I dont know if i can even do gym. Id rather not go an extra year. The therapist thing, im working on. But i would feel bad, my parents spend and have spent alot of money on my already. I dont want to ask for more.

Edit: Not to mention that doing two classes of summer school is like 400 dollars. :/

 

[SinisterMuffin]

Talk to your general physician about getting a doctor's note, perhaps? If you do have a physical condition that debilitates you, the school cannot force you to take the class. Perhaps, even, you can have a note which limits your activities, but still allows you to take the class (so the school will be happy) but the teachers cannot push you past where you feel you can go physically?

I understand that doctors visits and things can be costly, but if your parents are spending the money, it means they care. They want you to get better - they want you to get back to being the old you as much as you do...and your insurance company may have a policy for this sort of thing which cuts down on cost.

 

[theartofwar]

If you talk with your primary doc about having a ref for therapy insurance could well cover the whole nut . I'd say that's a great starting place.

 

[Thick_as_a_Planck]

Can I ask why you feel the need to lie so much? It seems to be one of the biggest problems and certainly the one that is damaging your family life the most. But you don't say any reason for it. Sort that out, whatever it may be, and the rest might fall into place.

Also, I don't want to sound totally patronising, but you are very young so you have a LOT of time to sort these things out. Just take a few deep breaths, slow down.

 

[Kipo]

If anyone cares, i decided to finish out school. Sadly, I wish I hadn't as I start summer school in a few hours.

Can I ask why you feel the need to lie so much? It seems to be one of the biggest problems and certainly the one that is damaging your family life the most. But you don't say any reason for it. Sort that out, whatever it may be, and the rest might fall into place.

Also, I don't want to sound totally patronising, but you are very young so you have a LOT of time to sort these things out. Just take a few deep breaths, slow down.

I couldn't say man. I wish I knew. I can't stop it though, I just want to rip my fucking hair out.

 

[Kipo]

Talk to your general physician about getting a doctor's note, perhaps? If you do have a physical condition that debilitates you, the school cannot force you to take the class. Perhaps, even, you can have a note which limits your activities, but still allows you to take the class (so the school will be happy) but the teachers cannot push you past where you feel you can go physically?

I understand that doctors visits and things can be costly, but if your parents are spending the money, it means they care. They want you to get better - they want you to get back to being the old you as much as you do...and your insurance company may have a policy for this sort of thing which cuts down on cost.

I do have a note that limits my physical activity. But I honestly dont think thats enough, the warm up laps we do completley wipes me out.

 

[SinisterMuffin]

I do have a note that limits my physical activity. But I honestly dont think thats enough, the warm up laps we do completley wipes me out.

Have you tried talking to your gym teacher? The school nurse? I'm really sorry to hear that you have so much trouble with things, but maybe if you discuss things with them and make them really understand, something can be worked out.


Also, you should definitely talk to a psychiatrist about the compulsive lying if possible. It obviously bothers you, so there's got to be something underlying there - they'd be able to help you figure it out and work past it.


Don't worry. You CAN do this!! It'll be tough, and stressful, and I know you'll hate having to sit inside a boring classroom each day, but it really will be worth it in the end. I'm proud of you for the decision you made; one day you will be as well. And hopefully your family will also see this as a sign of the effort you're making, because it's obvious that you are.

 

[Dave]

Also, you should definitely talk to a psychiatrist about the compulsive lying if possible. It obviously bothers you, so there's got to be something underlying there - they'd be able to help you figure it out and work past it.

That was my exact thought when reading the first post. The drugs, the cousin, the school; they're all symptoms. I've had bouts of compulsive lying when I was younger (around 13-15 IIRC), which came from the need to build a layers of shells and masks around myself, so that people couldn't get to know me, and hence hurt me. Even my parents, who never caused me any ill. This wasn't dealt with until I saw a psychologist (not psychiatrist; IMO they tend to be little more than prescription pads, which at best treat symptoms, not causes) about 3 or so years ago.

I think that if you have a conversation with your parents that is as candid as the ones that you've had with us, they would be amenable to helping you get the help you need.

Oh, and a word of advice: stay away from cousins. It's never worth it.

 

[Kipo]

Have you tried talking to your gym teacher? The school nurse? I'm really sorry to hear that you have so much trouble with things, but maybe if you discuss things with them and make them really understand, something can be worked out.


Also, you should definitely talk to a psychiatrist about the compulsive lying if possible. It obviously bothers you, so there's got to be something underlying there - they'd be able to help you figure it out and work past it.


Don't worry. You CAN do this!! It'll be tough, and stressful, and I know you'll hate having to sit inside a boring classroom each day, but it really will be worth it in the end. I'm proud of you for the decision you made; one day you will be as well. And hopefully your family will also see this as a sign of the effort you're making, because it's obvious that you are.

The school really dosent give a shit, ever since I got arrested they treat me like a druggie. They have absolutley no compassion. I want to see somebody, but I wouldnt know where to start. How would I even start a conversation about that with my parents? How could I justify it to them? Telling them the truth is out of the question. I almost feel like I need to hide behind this shell.
Thanks for the reassurance though, I know it will benefit me in the long run. Still, its four fucking hours of school on my godamn birthday. Woohoo.

 

[Kipo]

That was my exact thought when reading the first post. The drugs, the cousin, the school; they're all symptoms. I've had bouts of compulsive lying when I was younger (around 13-15 IIRC), which came from the need to build a layers of shells and masks around myself, so that people couldn't get to know me, and hence hurt me. Even my parents, who never caused me any ill. This wasn't dealt with until I saw a psychologist (not psychiatrist; IMO they tend to be little more than prescription pads, which at best treat symptoms, not causes) about 3 or so years ago.

I think that if you have a conversation with your parents that is as candid as the ones that you've had with us, they would be amenable to helping you get the help you need.

Oh, and a word of advice: stay away from cousins. It's never worth it.

This is exactly how I feel. I don't know how I would even start a conversation with them. How could I justify the money? What do I tell them I want to do it for?

 

[Dave]

Starting is always the hardest. I don't think that there is a way to ease into it, but maybe just talk with the one parent that you're a bit more comfortable with? Just come right out and say that you think that you may be a compulsive liar, that it may be the root (or close to it) of your other issues, and feel that you need professional help to deal with it. Not a fun conversation by any means, but one that may need to be done.

 

[Asclepius]

^Good Advice!

Hiding or postponing the problem always complicates situations even further for ourselves.
When you start to believe you're own BS, despite everything going awry, you know that this is a warning sign that things are escalating to a more destructive situation. Take the bull by the horns and just do it, you have nothing to lose except your pride and that can be built up again, as a fresh new start, after you sort all of these issues out.

It takes guts kippo nd starting by being open on here; you have shown that. You are not a bad guy, you have made some bad decisions and need to get help to learn how to let go of them and start being free of all this.

 

[addar]

Kipo, it is easy to fuck things up. I sometimes think what if i do things that screw me up big time and change my life for the worse for the rest of my life, Like commit a crime which would put me in till my mid 40 or making up some random shit which means nothing to me but cause big changes, like call my boss and say "last night your wife was spectacular in bed".

Point is, whatever i do, there are consequences which seem to get bigger the more stupid shit you do. I just can't touch my cousins ass even if not meaning in a sexual way, i can't make a stupid joke to my boss, run naked in the street etc. and hope it goes unnoticed and come back to haunt me.

We are living in a serious, clever, rational world kipo. They have the power to decide if you are sane, if you are fit enough to live among them, the power to cage in their institutions where they will try to normalize you.

You are not playing a solo game bro. You can be stupid, irrational, whatever you feel like when on your own. But when you are interacting with people, you are in a game where you don't set the rules. You just cannot give people the initiative to judge you, and then hope they ignore your bullshit because you didn't mean any harm. this is bad business.

Word of friendly advice, do not put yourself in situations where you need their mercy. Because when you hand the power to them, no one will use it in your favor and you will be a matchstick which light their dull lives, be a big deal until you are burnt out, then people will go on with their lives never caring about you again.

There you go, you make a bug out of yourself, they smash you under their feet and move on

** sory my english sucks bigtime.

 

[SinisterMuffin]

You can do it. I had some childhood trauma happen to me and I held it in/hid it from everyone for 8 years. It was the hardest thing in the world to finally tell my parents, but it was haunting me and doing a lot of damage to me mentally, so I knew I had to. I knew I had to get help.

If you have any siblings and are close to them, it might be easier to tell them first. Then they can be next to you and support you while you tell your parents. I told my older sister, and she sat next to me and supported me when I told my mother. My mother was the one to tell my father. They were upset, and emotional, but they weren't angry at me. They were glad I told them and did not care about the money or anything like that - they were just determined to get me the help/therapy/etc that I needed so that I could be "their little girl" again.

It sounds like your family is supporting you the ways that they can. Just talking to them will make them feel a little better (parents are always concerned and just want to know what is going on, so they'll be open to whatever you have to say), and going to a psychiatrist/psychologist will help. And maybe going to a professional like that would also show your school officials that you're making an effort and that you're not just some lost cause. Getting your parents to talk to your principal/school nurse/someone with you might help make a difference, too.

I know it's hard, and taking these first steps can be the most difficult. And I'm really, really sorry you have to go to school on your birthday - just try and reward yourself once the school day is over so it won't be completely lost!

 

[Asclepius]

^Good point about 'consequences' addar.

Seems like you have had some really negative experiences yourself; dealing with power struggless?

Social Power structures do, and have always existed in various forms. However to empower yourself, to be able to manage your own life, is the most important thing. I agree.
However we need to have some degree of trust with certain people. Not everyone is not on our side- some will be and some wont. That is life.

 

[Kipo]

Idk, I've gotten so used to living like this. I don't want to bring up another change. I think I can get through on my own. I know people say not to do that, not to bottle it up. But even If I did tell everyone. What would happen? For the first time since my compulsive lying started. Im starting to feel more at peace. Im working on graduating, even feeling proud of myself every day i come home and know that course completion percentage just went a little bit higher. Its a 6 week course, im 4 days in with 47%, when I finish I'm done. And I dont even want to stop there. If I can finish, I wanna do another course. Im finally fucking happy again, my family went out to dinner last night, and it felt just like old times. I was finally fucking happy. I've been sober for 3 weeks now, and I don't even feel like going out and getting anything. I feel so much better recently. I don't want to possibly turn this on its ass. I don't know what would happen if I came clean. I'd rather keep things as they are. Maybe I'll see a therapist later, with my own money. I feel things are looking up for me

 

[Asclepius]

^ Glad things are looking up for you at the moment!
Steady as she goes...
Well done on the 3 weeks sobriety Kipo.

 

[SinisterMuffin]

Well, if you're feeling better and feel you can do this on your own - who is to say that you can't? I'm so glad to hear that things are looking up and that you're becoming more comfortable and at peace with yourself and with things. That's a great outlook to have, and I really cannot stress how ecstatic it makes me to hear; especially feeling that things are getting back to normal with your family and everything. It's all so great!! I hope things continue in this positive light for you - I know you can do it! Just stick it out. Taking summer classes sucks because it takes away from the fun of summer, but it keeps you busy and is going towards your graduation, so the drive and self-discipline it takes to keep at it is definitely something to be proud of.

Just keep up the great work, and keep us updated! I love hearing that things are turning around for people. Remember I'm always around if you need to talk, as well.