Mental Health I don't know if I'm ready yet...

[herbavore]

^ I think that sounds like a very reasonable plan.

I wanted to comment on something you said in an earlier post. You were talking about all the positive effects on your personality and therefore your life that you got from being on benzos. Just remember that the drug allowed you to be all those things effortlessly. But you are obviously capable of those things without drugs--it will just involve more effort and more time to develop them naturally. Talking to girls, job interviews, being in social situations, etc are all things that get easier with repetition. I think it is harder when a shy person gets a drug that makes them not shy. Without the drug, a shy person has to learn adaptations that will make social interactions easier; when they get steadily easier self-esteem rises. I was painfully shy as a kid but no one ever thought of medicating for that back then. I went from barely being able to talk to being able to talk to anyone but it wasn't without a struggle. The best thing you can do is to teach yourself how to replace negative self-talk with positive. It does wonders.

 

[BrokenPromise]

I fucked up the taper. I had some friends around on the weekend and got drunk and apparently I offered them some Valium and I had some extra myself. I woke up and I realized I blacked out after half a bottle of gin and couldn't remember much of the night and when I woke up my box of Valium was gone. I have a feeling one of my friends might have stole the remaining Valium, otherwise I would've taken 26 Valiums in one night which I find highly unlikely, I searched my bin and there was only 3 blister packs which means 2 are still unaccounted for and we never left my house. This same friend who I suspect took it has a very addictive personality (takes codeine regularly and smokes weed everyday) he also asked me if I can get him more Valium the next day. Anyway I can't prove it but lately he's been a complete dickhead to me, trying to order me around and acting staunch. I've told him I'm going through a rough time going through withdrawals yet he's constantly been treating me like complete shit so I worked up the courage today and got angry at him. I realize if I ever do go to prison I'm going to have to stand up for myself and not let people push me around. It's probably a good thing anyway because he's an addict and I don't think it would be wise to be close friends with him. I haven't known him that long anyway so it's no loss.

I've decided I'm not going to try taper again, I just want to stay away from that drug. Anyway apart from that things have been looking up, my business is going pretty well, I've been smoking weed a bit which I think eases the withdrawal process a lot. It gives me motivation to go out and get a job and be social, I had an interview the other day and although I decided not to take the job I went well in the interview and no drug assisted me through it. I've also been recording and writing a lot of music again which I haven't done in months

 

[T. Calderone]

I'm sorry your valiums got stolen. You don't want to be around people that steal from you but it could have been one of the other people at your house. Either way that one fellow sounds like a dick. You sound like you're doing better and once you're done, don't chip around with benzos.

 

[opium]

just careful with that.. benzos can cause seizures if the withdrawl is too abrupt, thats why a taper is highly recommended.

And give me that dudes address and ill go get your valium back..stealing drugs is shady enough, but when your using them for good to taper? thats that one douchebag that steals his moms oxys when she has a broken back. We've all met somebody like that

 

[BrokenPromise]

Just thought I'd check in.

I'm at my parents house for a couple days, I don't really like it here. It's a new house they bought, I've always called the house that my family live in 'home' but I think home is meant to be a place you feel at ease. The arrest happened not long after they moved here so this was were I resided for 6 months, in this room, extremely depressed and suicidal.

I don't know if it's a good or bad thing but I've come to enjoy solitude, I'm quite content by myself in my small apartment. Writing, listening to music and watching TV shows, it's not to say I've become a hermit, I still see friends and go out most weekends but through the weeks I like to be alone. Being on Valium for so long I became extremely social, to the point I'd probably find myself annoying, it was like everyday I had to be around people. Now I'm off it, I don't feel that need.

I still have access to Valium and I do still use it occasionally but never more then once a week. I'm going to start taking different supplements and herbs to see if that helps with my anxiety so I can cut it out altogether.

Right now I think I'm doing okay, music has become a high priority, I think I've written some of my best stuff lately. I'm constantly broke, but I guess that's college life, I'm still eating well and working out.

I want to do my family proud, work and study hard, it's the least they deserve for all I've put them through but I just think it would make me miserable and get me straight back on benzos. Ah I don't know.

 

[herbavore]

^Your family will be proudest seeing you take care of yourself mentally. Sometimes we parents give off all the wrong messages about what is important--like school etc. When my son was struggling I know that he felt that if he were meeting all the societal benchmarks for his age that it would have made me proud, but in reality I was much more impressed when I saw him grow as a human being. Of course the converse was true as well; when he slid into apathy and self destruction was what caused me the most suffering. So, taking care of yourself, getting to know yourself and strategizing ways to find balance should be your first priority always--everything else will fall into place so much more easily.

I like to be alone a lot, too, and I am a naturally social person. I think it is healthy unless it is based on fear. Music is one of the most healing and powerful creations we humans have IMO. I can't play any instruments, and am totally envious of those that have that discipline and talent, but I love to sing and it is always an endorphin rush to do so. It's good that you have made that a strong part of your life right now.

 

[BrokenPromise]

Thought I'd update this thread, it's been a while...

I guess there's good days and bad days. I still haven't kicked the habit, it's now more like 1 week on and then 3 weeks off where I'm mostly alone and secluded. I have to see another psychologist before sentencing which is probably a few months down the track. It's uni break here so my friends go out every weekend so on weekends I spend all my money on alcohol, coke or pills trying to be normal and social to other. It works most the time, I mean I can put on an act in front of people I know and act like everything is okay. Seems to work better then constantly being quiet and depressed and making people worry because when people I know worry it makes me feel worse because I know it effects them, I just want them to see me making progress even if it is all bullshit. It's hard to keep up the act though, it gets tiring.

I met a girl on the weekend and we spoke all night and texted all the next day, I hadn't felt that kind of emotional connection in over a year. I don't know what happened but she stopped talking to me now. The funny thing is I don't even want sex from her I just want a girl like her to be around and to keep me sane but she probably doesn't see it that way. All I really want is someone to confide in, I had the perfect girl since I was 18 but she's gone now and it's still hard to deal with that.

I just need to vent, I try to see a positive future but I don't. I don't tell anyone but I don't see myself living much longer, this constant despair is too hard to deal with. I know I'm getting older, my friends are getting into relationships and having kids. I could never live with the burden of giving an innocent life my genes.

Some lyrics that hit really close to home...

How come they can roll? Tell me how come they can smoke, they can drink?
They get to do whatever they want and it don't interrupt the way they think
They all get to be regular, why is it only me this odd?
Me who can't even stand up straight, me who can't even keep a job
Maybe I'm asking for too much, a tiny piece of normalcy
Or answer to any one of my fucking prayers that's asking what's wrong with me
Maybe I'm tired of being unique, tired of being that outcast
I'm tired of me being the only one, so tired of you all not knowing about that
I'm tired of it all, want me to fall a spectacle, for the crowd to see
Or being the only one with faith, I'm tired of everybody doubting me
I'm tired of responding to grown ass folks that think so fuckin childishly
Aches, wish I could take my parents' genes the fuck up out of me
Tired of wanting to run somewhere, tired of having to bare it all
Tired of you fucks constantly taking from me and I'm willing to share it all
Tired of being objective, I'm tired of having to hear it all
But being alone is the only way I know to never be near it all