Mental Health I don't know if I'm ready yet...

[BrokenPromise]

I'm 22 years old, I've been addicted to benzos for nearly 2 years now. At the beginning of this year I started abusing them a lot, taking around 4mg Clonazepam a day with maybe 40mg Diazepam on top. Of course I felt like I was on top of the world, but unfortunately I wasn't, I was close to poverty, struggling to buy food and constantly asking for money from my parents.

Being in the state I was for so long, it clouded my judgement and when my parents stopped giving me money, I had to look for other ways, one of the things I did caught up with me and resulted in me getting arrested. I got bail but I'm afraid I will end up in prison when it gets to sentencing, no one was hurt but it was a serious crime.

I remember the very beginning, the exact week when I became fully addicted, it's weird because benzos make you forget a lot, but I remember the first week so well, I went to visit a close friend of mine who I hadn't seen in over a year, she said I had changed and she said it as if I had changed for the worse, I disregarded her comment because all of my anxieties were gone, thanks to these miracle pills, the fears I have had for as long as I can remember had finally been taken away. I finally felt free and that I could achieve anything, life was almost perfect.

Going back, I was always the shy kid at school, had few friends and hated anything that put the spotlight on me. I always knew I had severe anxiety but I didn't think there was anything to help me, I thought I just had to deal with it. Even though it was only 2 years ago I was benzo-free, it seems like a lifetime ago and I've changed so much, I don't know how I'm going to go back to just "dealing" with my anxieties.

Anyway I'm now studying at college, I'm running my own business which is doing okay and I live in a nice place. I'm currently on 15mg diazepam a day and seeing a psychologist, since the arrest I haven't abused them. When I went to see my GP to re-new my script he was gone, replaced with a new GP that told me to get off the benzos for good and see a psychiatrist. The psychiatrist wants me on anti-depressants, I've read a lot on anti-depressants and they just don't seem right to me. I've tried a few but never had any luck. I live for my music and when I'm on anti-depresssants I lose that, I feel emotionless and I'd rather be an anxious mess then be on those soul-sucking pills. Writing music is the therapy that works best for me, I've tried many physcologists and it all just seems like a waste of money. I want to believe that they are helping me, but as much as I try, it doesn't. It's like these anxieties are embedded inside me and nothing will get them out.

I really don't know what to do, I only have 15mg of diazepam left, I haven't taken any in 3 days now and I haven't left my room, I'm scared to go to college, I'm scared to talk to my housemates, friends and even my family. I don't know what to do, I can't even pick up my phone when it rings. I know I have to stop taking benzos eventually but I wanted to do it after all the legal problems are gone so I can move on with life when I'm ready, but I'm not ready, which is why I'm posting here. I'm not ready to take on life without benzos yet, I have people that need my support. How can I support them when I'm so afraid? How can I do anything like this? College, work, everyday life? I can't just cope. I don't want to go back to being the anxious, shy kid. I thought he was gone.

 

[BrokenPromise]

I took the last 15mg, my eyes are watering. I suddenly feel like everything will be okay, I just wish I had the strength to think like this without a pill. I feel like I'm losing a best friend. My account is in the minus so I know that I'm not going to be able to get another prescription or any other high for that matter. I don't even know why I'm posting on here, maybe venting in some small way does help, I just don't feel it. I guess I've been numb for so long it's hard to feel anything.

 

[Vaya]

BrokenPromise,

The situation you've described is strikingly similar to the one I've been caught up in for ten years.

The first point I feel I want to address is this: I can entirely relate to that sense of dread you may have felt when you discovered your original doctor was no longer available to get your prescription from. But the fact is, your new GP is correct. You must get yourself away from both forms of benzodiazepine dependence.

From a physiological stand point, this ought to be rather obvious. Your new GP ought to, at the very least, be receptive to working with you on a taper plan. Immediately stopping these types of medications, I'm sure you're aware, can result in devastating - even life-threatening - consequences. I've experienced two Grand Mal seizures myself as a result of abruptly stopping benzos against my will. If your GP is not willing to work with you (seems like that'd be at odds with the Hippocratic Oath, but it happens...) your nearest emergency room is your best bet.

Luckily, you are on benzos with 36 and 100 hour half-lives, respectively, so you'll have time before withdrawals truly set in.

I went to visit a close friend of mine who I hadn't seen in over a year, she said I had changed and she said it as if I had changed for the worse

You know, she probably meant it that way. All of my family and friends who've been conscientious enough to bring up my personality changes resulting from benzo dependence have meant it that way; they were absolutely correct, too.

Benzodiazepines, pharmacologically, exert their effects on the brain primarily via GABAergic modulation - much like alcohol. And if you've ever met an actively struggling alcoholic, you may be able to empathize with their subjective feelings of well-being while under the influence, but the blunted emotional shell that they've become with time.

I am here to tell you that precisely the same happens with benzodiazepines, my friend. Not only are executive function and the development of rudimentary coping skills stunted with long-term use, but even longer term use can result in extremely long-lasting at even permanent restructuring of the brain on a neuronal level. Scary stuff; think PAWS.

There have been countless times in my life where I sit and wonder, "What on Earth would I be like if I hadn't used and abused benzos for the past decade? Would my tolerance to anxiety have developed properly? Might I have learned to sleep more naturally? Would I still be hyper vigilant to most stimuli when not actively on the medication?"

These questions plague me, en masse and ad infinitum, to this day.
I'm working to free myself from the bondage of this insidious chemical dependency that, with the passage of time and habituation, I have utterly convinced myself I must continue in order to operate on even a basic level.

I sincerely suggest you re-appraise whether or not the long-term and permanent effects of benzo addiction will be worth it in the end. My own experience provides me with overwhelming evidence that it is not.

I would hate to see the same happen to you at such a young age. I'm only 26, and have been altered irreversibly. And I have to live with that... For the rest of my life. Perhaps I can help to spare you a similar fate, my friend.

Welcome to Bluelight, BTW!!

Much love,

~ Vaya

 

[sickofthisshiz]

15 mg of diazapam really isn't that high of a dose...l hate the fucking doctors that push the ssri's...l just always ask them "have you ever taken an ssri?"...guess what the answer is lol. Those things do turn you into a fucking zombie...l like my brain and it's nuances
A little crazy or not! If your doctor doesnt listen or respect your opinion time to see another doctor. If anything he should be willing to keep you on your meds while you are participating in therapy. Good luck to you, dependence on any drug just to feel normal or to be able to function sucks. Eat right, get some exercise maybe you will end up surprising yourself!

 

[Vaya]

True, it's not a large dose, but the OP's history of usage patterns are cause for concern, although he/she will likely be safe from seizures.

I found this really excellent site that I was inspired to seek out after I wrote my first response, and hope that by sharing it, others struggling with this can find some support geared specifically towards their journey:

http://www.benzowithdrawal.org/

~ Vaya

 

[Vaya]

PS the relatively new medication, combination SSRI/SNRI has been touted as an extremely versatile and effective replacement for traditional anxiolytics. Two members of my immediate family moved from crippling clonazepam dependencies to freedom using Cymbalta without the traditionally adverse side effects of older SSRI's. just a thought.

 

[Roger&Me]

I took the last 15mg, my eyes are watering. I suddenly feel like everything will be okay, I just wish I had the strength to think like this without a pill. I feel like I'm losing a best friend. My account is in the minus so I know that I'm not going to be able to get another prescription or any other high for that matter. I don't even know why I'm posting on here, maybe venting in some small way does help, I just don't feel it. I guess I've been numb for so long it's hard to feel anything.

Sit back and relax, man... that's the only advice you can give someone in benzo withdrawal. It is a process, and you just have to take it on its own terms and try to breathe and make it through one day at a time. You'll start feeling sane again in a few weeks, and the withdrawal will be easier to handle then... other symptoms will stick around for a long time, but don't let that worry you. It gets manageable.

The most important thing is that you don't stop the benzos and then start up using them again, because that makes it SOOOOOOOO much worse, I can't emphasize that enough (its a well researched phenomenon called 'priming', where each time you go through withdrawal the subsequent withdrawal will be more intense than the last).

You'll feel sooooo much better after you've been off of those things for a while, just trust me on that. Best of luck.

 

[RobotRipping]

shit i can really relate to your post OP; i was exactly the same as a kid and struggled for so long with anxiety. Then one day i made my first order for phenazepam and it hasn't been the same since. I'd tried klonopin for fun when i was younger but didn't know much about it back then. Ever since it's been a huge struggle to make it through life. Benzos do change your personality, greatly, i turned into a completely different person. The person i thought i wanted to be but in retrospect i was an arrogant asshole most of the time.

there will never be a 'best time' to quit benzos and face your problems. It's always going to be the hardest thing you can imagine doing. I'm about a year ahead of you in the recovery process and my life is so much more stable now than when i was addicted to benzos.

 

[BrokenPromise]

I've been through withdrawals before, when I was taking 40mg+ diazepam and clonazepam, and it was a tough few weeks but it doesn't really amount to all the anxiety I've endured since a child. I made some stupid decisions but since being arrested I've changed, not just taking my dose down to 15mg and sticking at that, but I feel like I have become a better person, just a little more outgoing, talkative and more motivated, which is all I've ever wanted. That ability to go into a job interview and not screw up completely, that ability of being able to talk to a girl I like and not run out of things to say, the ability to run my own business and not cower away when things get tough. To go back to all of that is what really messes with me. To go and speak in court? How am I going to be able to manage that? What if I do end up in prison? How can I stand tall?

There is so much extra stresses and pain that is going to make it all that much harder to cope, I really want to be positive and think I can become a better person but I just don't see it.

Why do all these doctors and psychiatrists shove SSRI's in my face and tell me to stay on them for as long as I want and act as if it's my cure. It's not, it's a crutch, a bandaid, just like benzos. It's not like I'm taking a lot, it's just 15mg and I've been on that for nearly a year, with no need for an increase in my dose.

As much as I want to be drug-free I just cannot see it happening at this stage of my life. If I stop taking my dose I will have to shut down my business, I've become a publicist, I need to talk and network with people nearly everyday, I won't have the strength to do that. I will have to look for a retail job as it's all I've ever done for work and I could never maintain them sober because I was always too shy and I'd eventually lose my job. All I see is negatives coming from this. I want to see just one positive thing that will result from all of this and to help me get off it, but it's just not there, I don't see it.

 

[Vaya]

If I stop taking my dose I will have to shut down my business

What is it that makes this a factual statement?

I pose the question to provoke some discussion, not to be a dick, btw!!!

~ Vaya

PS - I've also got to find it within myself to stand, stoically, before a judge in the net few months and persuade him to keep me out of prison. I am living that uncertainty. I have to have complete faith that, in our respective situations, we will discover within ourselves that which is capable of driving us to such lengths and enduring that pressure. I'm 26, BTW; I'm *too* far off, man :/

Much love and respect.

 

[BrokenPromise]

Because it's not who I am at this stage, I set up and became this person while I was high on benzos. I was always an anti-social person yet I was so jealous of those who were sociable and it was always my goal to one day become this person. Now after 2 years of being this person, it will be goal to become this become this person once again but without pills. I think keeping the business going will be too much for me to handle this early on, I do believe that somewhere inside me I have the strength to one day become this person again and resume my business, but right now it's far too much for me, I've got a lot of other stuff to deal with first e.g. getting rid of this addiction, putting more effort into my studies, seeing my psychologist more often and getting a part-time job. These will be my goals for now. I'm trying to be realistic and being in such a fragile state I don't think my PR business will go well at all and setting myself up for failure is not what I need. I'd rather pick it all back up when I've reached my ultimate of becoming this person I've always wanted to be and then I will be ready to aim for the stars with my business.

 

[BrokenPromise]

I like to think of myself as a positive person, I always have goals and dreams I want to achieve and although some of them may seem unrealistic to others, they aren't for me. So what if I have to go back to square one and deal with all this bullshit, it's not the end of the world, it will be over eventually. I still have my dreams, I have my music and my family. This is what I live for. I know I'm going to struggle but I guess it's selfish of me to try and medicate my way through this, people 100 years ago didn't have these pills, why do I need it?

I guess you can call this a silver lining. In regards to the title of this thread, I am ready, I'm more than ready. I will bookmark this and come back to it whenever things get tough. I will keep you guys updated.

My psychologist once told me that my 15mg dose is probably placebo due to my heavy use and tolerance prior, I hope she's right.

 

[RobotRipping]

yeah i know the feeling, i'm stuck on a combo of drugs just to get through work. If i don't take them i panic pretty bad and also get insanely sick (from opiates) I only have a few days a week where i can taper and not use benzos at all but i can still reduce my dose little by little.

you seem to be worried about going back to the old you without benzos; that won't happen because you've changed since then, even on benzos you will still change. When you are off benzos you may find that social anxiety isn't an issue any more as you may have learned some new social skills while on benzos.

Sometimes it is impractical to just quit but if that's the case you have to make sure you can sustain what you are doing so that you don't end up losing everything if you run out early or something happens.

 

[Vaya]

You know, BP, you make some really relatable points. I absolutely needed to read this, in particular, given what I wrote of my mentality towards BZD taper this time and what that may mean for me both short- and long-term:

So what if I have to go back to square one and deal with all this bullshit, it's not the end of the world, it will be over eventually. I still have my dreams, I have my music and my family. This is what I live for. I know I'm going to struggle but I guess it's selfish of me to try and medicate my way through this, people 100 years ago didn't have these pills, why do I need it?

Powerful stuff

~ Vaya

 

[BrokenPromise]

Thanks Vaya, that means a lot.

you seem to be worried about going back to the old you without benzos; that won't happen because you've changed since then, even on benzos you will still change. When you are off benzos you may find that social anxiety isn't an issue any more as you may have learned some new social skills while on benzos.

Yes, I came to the same realization earlier today. Although benzos have been a band-aid they have also been a tool and have given me plenty of social experience that I would've never had if I never touched the stuff.

Although the diazepam may very well be in my system still, it is no longer taking control of my brain, everything is becoming real again. I went for a short walk today and experienced a euphoria, everything was beautiful and I literally couldn't stop smiling. I don't want to be a slave to this drug anymore, I don't want to be labelled an "addict" anymore. I told one of my close friends about it all and I told him that the next few weeks are gonna be really tough, all he said was "yeah but you'll feel so much better" and he's right. I already feel better.

Let's hope this positive mindset keeps up these next few weeks, I'll be sure to let you guys know.

 

[Vaya]

^Please continue to update us, BP. I know of several people whose posts began similarly to yours, and ended up as 10 page journals of the experience, with plenty of community and companionship from others spread throughout.

In my mind, there isn't much room for doubt that the endeavor ahead will leave you needing to vent from time to time!

What I'm getting at is, feel free to do it here!
Good luck... Hopefully I can follow in your footsteps in due time *fingers crossed*

~ Vaya

 

[BrokenPromise]

I couldn't sleep last night, I finally got to sleep around 6am. I've just awoken and it's about 1pm, I have to go to the police station today and check in for bail. I realize now that these drugs cut through all the guilt, shame and depression that has since developed. I've felt these feelings before and usually I just pop a few valium and before I know it, I'm up and ready for anything, kind of ironic how I was initially prescribed these for insomnia, these turned to a get me through the night pill to a get me through the day pill pretty fast.

I'm wrong in saying that this is a first time experience for me, I've been without benzo support many times over the last 2 years, I guess it's kind of naive thinking that this is going to be a positive experience. The previous times I stopped, I never really got any better, my last time was around my arrest, I was without benzos for a couple months but in those months I was a recluse, Thursday's were the only days I left the house and that was only because that's when bail was. I hope it doesn't go back to that but I'm starting to feel sick to my stomach thinking about those days. I tried everything back then, running everyday, weights, meditation, healthy foods but nothing really seemed to work, I couldn't even go see my physcologist without Xanax that I ordered online. I eventually found a new doctor that did prescribe Valium repeats and it felt like i had just won the lotto. My business, my friends, study it all came back to the forefront.

Why does it cripple me so much? Why am I all of a sudden so negative? I guess since the arrest I have become depressed, maybe social anxiety isn't really a factor so much as it once was, maybe that side of me is better but the court case has left me with severe depression. Will go see my doctor tomorrow, maybe an anti-depressant isn't so bad after all.

 

[BrokenPromise]

Went into town and things went better then expected, I now truly believe that my social anxiety is a thing of the past. I went to the pharmacy to get some Valerian pills and felt completely in control of the conversation at the checkout, as well as at the police station, the cop was about my age and talked to me like a human being which I had never experienced from a cop before, it's like he understood what I was going through. I also just had a long talk with my friend who was talking about his social anxiety becoming worse, it feels so empowering to know I've actually overcome it.

I do feel better then earlier, I guess it's a daily struggle I will face, waking up and having to face the day. I'm going to get back into weights, daily walks and getting 20 minutes of sun a day, I think it will help in the long run. Everything would be so much easier if I didn't have the criminal charges but I can't change the past. I've always had some sort of struggle ahead of me, although this is probably one of the hardest I will face, once it's all said and done I will come out a stronger person.

 

[herbavore]

BP, you are really doing well under the circumstances. This is going to be one of those experiences that you are going to have to integrate with no shame, head high but with humility and wisdom as well. It sounds to me like you are already doing that. It's so easy to get crushed and broken from the criminal system. Keep your integrity and you will come out stronger in the end as you said. Much love to you.

 

[BrokenPromise]

Thanks herbavore, means a lot.

The withdrawals were a bit too much, I couldn't eat at all and every time I forced food down I just felt sick, I'm already underweight so I don't really want to lose anymore weight so I've decided to go to the doctor to taper down. 10mg for a few weeks and then 5mg for a few more weeks. I think it's the safest way and I'm hoping I can get a job over the next few weeks and the Valium should help get me through all the interviews and get settled into the new job.

Valerian has also been helping, I take more then the recommended dose and even then it's nothing like Valium but it does relax you a little bit, enough to get you out of bed and face the day.

Will start my Valium taper tomorrow, apart from that things have been going pretty good but I'm thinking about seeing a new psychologist because I've recently moved and it's a bit hard to travel and see her every week.