GetMeOutOfThisCRAP
Bluelighter
- Joined
- Dec 20, 2017
- Messages
- 1,939
My current relationship is definitely a long term situation and planned to be permanent. I have snuck pills and such here and there (with him being around me) quite a few times more than I care to state. Going to the bathroom to eat something in my pocket. You guys know the deal. I know that he knew some things were up at the end of it all, and was locked stone cold into one horrid withdrawal situation for a day way back with him there. Could not do anything besides sleep the entire day and just kick my legs out and about, lol. Suboxone saved me luckily and I truly needed it right then and there (thank you god or something). He knew about the kratom and I was open about that part. I definitely suspected that he knew there was something else going on occasionally but realistically in person I am not easy to read. There's only about two people in my life who knew consistently (every single time oddly enough) when I was on something beyond weed. Otherwise, many could not even tell I was on anything at all. The reason I'm telling you all this is because I chose to disclose to him my issues with painkillers. He does not seem to care about the adderall (nor does anyone really) because I'm prescribed stimulants, and oxycodone versus adderall seems to be a hedonistic devil versus something very benign from the general society perspective. Everyone sees oxycodone as a far worse substance when in reality there is not a comparison at all. There can be no comparison whatsoever to any substances in my opinion being as far as one being worse than another. All of it is far too subjective on all accounts.
However, I will get to the point. I regret saying telling him this. Morally speaking, it felt very wrong to not disclose my opioid use to someone I expect to spend my life with. Unfortunately, he has had a nephew with severe substance abuse issues (committing suicide) and a sister with painkiller addiction as well for a decade or more. He reacted very badly. I made it clear and simple, and said that some days I will be high for the current time period--and that I have no intention for it to be a permanent addiction--but that I do relapse to some degree of consistency and that its incredibly hard for me to control. He stated that he would rather have heard me tell him and yet still reacted quite negatively. At this point in time I feel that we have (for the most part) moved on. Furthermore, I can also sense that his reaction towards anything involving me being on painkillers will be an incredibly negative one. I will have to hide it completely from now on from my perspective. It will only stress him out and drive us apart in my opinion. I am not constantly on percocet all day everyday. I do not find myself in withdrawals like the good old days on a constant basis, but despite all this I have to be open and see my use as having been more than recreational many weeks throughout the pandemic. I'm not sure if telling him about my inconsistent painkiller addiction and issues with it in the past was the right move. I regret doing so. With all that is going on in the world and my life right now I do not feel quite capable of ceasing my opioid use forever until the end of time. I will not lie to anyone and say that the society-purposed game plan will ever work for me. I do not know how or when I will be able to stop. I did not want to bring him into any of this anxiety-inducing situation. I pushed him away for almost a year because I knew that substance abuse was my issue for the past 5 years and that I could not hide everything from a serious relationship if it did happen to occur. Inevitably, he started to grow on me far too much and being alone forever on drugs seems like a great way to end up just wanting to off yourself. Should some substance abuse scenarios just not be disclosed in relationships?
However, I will get to the point. I regret saying telling him this. Morally speaking, it felt very wrong to not disclose my opioid use to someone I expect to spend my life with. Unfortunately, he has had a nephew with severe substance abuse issues (committing suicide) and a sister with painkiller addiction as well for a decade or more. He reacted very badly. I made it clear and simple, and said that some days I will be high for the current time period--and that I have no intention for it to be a permanent addiction--but that I do relapse to some degree of consistency and that its incredibly hard for me to control. He stated that he would rather have heard me tell him and yet still reacted quite negatively. At this point in time I feel that we have (for the most part) moved on. Furthermore, I can also sense that his reaction towards anything involving me being on painkillers will be an incredibly negative one. I will have to hide it completely from now on from my perspective. It will only stress him out and drive us apart in my opinion. I am not constantly on percocet all day everyday. I do not find myself in withdrawals like the good old days on a constant basis, but despite all this I have to be open and see my use as having been more than recreational many weeks throughout the pandemic. I'm not sure if telling him about my inconsistent painkiller addiction and issues with it in the past was the right move. I regret doing so. With all that is going on in the world and my life right now I do not feel quite capable of ceasing my opioid use forever until the end of time. I will not lie to anyone and say that the society-purposed game plan will ever work for me. I do not know how or when I will be able to stop. I did not want to bring him into any of this anxiety-inducing situation. I pushed him away for almost a year because I knew that substance abuse was my issue for the past 5 years and that I could not hide everything from a serious relationship if it did happen to occur. Inevitably, he started to grow on me far too much and being alone forever on drugs seems like a great way to end up just wanting to off yourself. Should some substance abuse scenarios just not be disclosed in relationships?
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