I don't know how or why

[Infinite Jest]

So. It's my friend's birthday last night, and we're going to see her friend play in a band, and then to the after-party. And it's an open invite, everyone will be there. Which means that SHE will be there. I haven't seen HER for nearly six months, not since we that night when we fell apart completely, and HER best friend not only vowed never to talk to me again, but tried to convince everyone else to avoid me as well. And it worked. And I was in love with HER.
I'd sent her an email when her mother died - not much you can say in that situation except "thinking of you" - not much she said back except "thank you". Didn't know how to take that.
I was the last one into the party - it was as hot as hell, only more crowded. Forget even trying to get to the bar. I talked to Andy for a while, then saw HER. I'm trying to stay cool, I move closer, talk to Johanna for a while, she's looking good. SHE is standing right next to us. I look over at HER. She knows I'm looking, and she looks away, turns her head then moves away.
We spent pretty much every weekend together last year, I slept on her couch more than I did in my own bed....all those hours in the clubs when I tried to talk her out of her depression, tried to convince her she was worth loving, the night I held her head after she'd been sick, and got her water, while her so-called friend was dancing and flirting. I was two feet away from the only person I've ever truly been in love with. And she wouldn't even look at me.
I walked home in one of those moods...you know...you wish you were dead, but you know you aren't going to do anything about it, and that's almost worse, because you know you have to get up the next day and deal with how you feel.
That's the downside. That was last night.
I've spent the last hour or so here on BL. And I don't know how or why, but after reading what everyone else has to say, I feel better.
Thanks ppl.
Si

 

[OzchiC]

Sendin' a smile your way dude, oh hell a few smiles

ciao
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In a time of ancient gods, warlords and kings... a land in turmoil cried out fo a hero.... she was xena- a mighty princess forged in the heat of battle.
The power, the passion, the danger ..... her courage would change the world.

 

[Green Infinity]

Women suck sometimes, especially when emotions like love and rejection are mixed in with friendly relationships. Sometimes saying that it gets better isn't always the most welcome words of advice, but you have made it 6 months already, and another 6 months will come and go, and then a year, and you will be older, wiser, and stronger from not only this experience, but all the other experiences until then. That mood of death goes away. It may be in a club or a rave, at work or school, or even when you wake up or go to sleep, but life is just that life, and it goes on. Just like that stupid TV show says. Take care.

 

[Infinite Jest]

Thanks guys, 'preciate it. Like I said, coming here and reading other peoples' posts made me feel better already.
I know it will get better....the frustration is "I don't want to feel this way about her, so why do I still feel this way?" - make sense?
BTW Xena - like the name (I'm a good Kiwi boy at heart, even if lost in London).
Si
"I don't know how or why, and I don't deserve it, but I'm Saved" The Swans, 'Saved'.