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i dont know anymore

DXMkid420

DXMkid420

Bluelighter
Joined
Oct 18, 2009
Messages
976
Location
in your medicine cabinent
i have never said this before, but i need drugs. i have always said its a choice, but the way i feel at the moment, death sounds better than drugs. my gf has always been the one that was there for me, the one that no matter what would make me feel better.everytime i would say im a loser, she would always say no, and she loves me. i have only done coke once priour to this, but last night i accuired 3 grams of good coke, and since last night to now, i have used it all. im coming down right now, and just got a call from my gf, she was crying and i asked what was wrong, and she said she was crying because im a loser drug addict, and because she hates it that she loves me. i have never felt this bad in my life. i just called up my homie, and im getting another 3 grams of coke, but i have a feeling im gonna just keep doing it and OD. what should i do? why would my gf say that to me? i love her more than anything, i cant fucking believe this
 
Take what you're feeling now imagine that double. That's how you're going to feel if you do any more blow.

You can start to make things right by heading over to see your girlfriend instead of picking up those three grams man. The coke will always be there for you later if you want to do it. You can't say the same about her, and trust me I know that one from experience.
 
i need some kind of drug, im more of a psycedelics and dissociativs guy, but im even considering meth. i want to see her, but i just cant. when someone calls me a drug addict loser, for some reason it just kills me.
 
Ouch! :|

But are you even an addict? Are you actually physically dependent on any drug?
 
this may sound strange, but i am fully addicted to DXM, i cant function without it. i never come down from at least a 900mg trip. if i come down i lose my ability to speak well, and i have siezurs and twitches. i have never come down off of DXM for a year and a half, i have truely never come down
 
she says im killing myself, and i care about DXM more than her. im up all night crying because i have completly lost touch with reality. every time i see my gf she says im worse than the time she saw me bfor.
 
You need to get yourself to a hospital/rehab dude, and I know you know it's true. Reread what you just wrote.

If she loves you she'll respect you more for taking the right step. Going out and furthering this any longer isn't going to make that happen, and from the sound of it at this point your life is very much at stake.

Please, consider getting help.
 
DXMkid420 said:
this may sound strange, but i am fully addicted to DXM, i cant function without it. i never come down from at least a 900mg trip. if i come down i lose my ability to speak well, and i have siezurs and twitches. i have never come down off of DXM for a year and a half, i have truely never come down
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If this is true then you certainly need help.
Just because it's easy to obtain and legal doesn't mean it should be abused in this manner.
And if you have a dependency on the stuff you definitely need to get it sorted out. That can be a very harmful and tolling addiction to have.
 
i have been to rehab for this drug before, and i have been to mental hospitals. nothing helps. i just cant believe that my gf said that to me. she said that she loved me and she would help me through this, but its all lies
 
You're basically saying you have been high on DXM constantly? DXM is not a safe drug to use daily, my friend. :(

I tried it once and was stuck in bed with the TV on for hours. I was awake. And felt like I was dead. Literally fucking dead. I felt so disconnected from the world, space, and time. I was watching TV and it just didn't make sense to me. I felt like I wasn't a part of this world.

I hated it. Will never use a dissociative again. Some people like 'em, though.

As far as why you're girlfriend said that. It is a cold and hurtful thing to say. They tend to do that from time in my experience. She was crying, so it's something she is genuinely concerned about. She could have just ended the relationship then and there. If you really love her, maybe you should clean up and go talk to her tomorrow (while sober). Let her know she was right at least a little bit. Cry if you have to. Tell her you will change for her. If you love drugs, though, this can be a tricky situation. But I'm telling you. If you can come down, get yourself looking good and healthy and meet up with your g/f and tell her you want this relationship more than anything, it's a great first step.

As far as DXM. I'm not sure if it causes any dependency and withdrawal upon sudden discontinuation, but it very well could. And I'm sure it wouldn't be pleasant.
 
DXMkid420 said:
i have never come down off of DXM for a year and a half, i have truely never come down
Click to expand...

So your girlfriend is correct calling you a junkie. :)

I think you need to save the 3g for later. You need to comedown, at least a little. :\
You need to sleep and eat well, shower. Get yourself together, since after a drug binge your body and mind need to rest, so you can regain a more sober perspective on things. And after you cleaned up a bit, then call your gf.

If what you write is true, your body and mind are completly not prepared right now to deal reasonably with any stressful situation. And don't stress yourself right now even more with drugs, heavy thoughts&feelings or difficult conversations.
 
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[As far as DXM. I'm not sure if it causes any dependency and withdrawal upon sudden discontinuationQUOTE] when i started i didnt think so either. when i was in rehap i came down, and thats what happend. i cant come down or quit drugs. its just not an option. i cant make it in the real world. i guess my gf was right calling me a loser, its just so much worse hearing it from her
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Your girlfriend is trying to tell you something. It may have been bad timing and a poor choice of words, but at least she is conveying it to you and still loves you.
 
DXMkid420 said:
i have been to rehab for this drug before, and i have been to mental hospitals. nothing helps. i just cant believe that my gf said that to me. she said that she loved me and she would help me through this, but its all lies
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You need to stop worrying so much about how much this hurts you and try and look at it from her perspective a little as well. Watching the person you love continue to slowly kill themselves despite everything you do is a horrible thing to have to go through, and there eventually comes a point where that person needs to look out for their own best interests. You're relying on her to help "get you through this" but how long has this been going on for now? How long is she supposed to watch you die? Do know how hard it is for someone to watch someone else do that, especially someone they love?

Look, I'm not trying to be mean I'm just trying to help you realize that you can't expect someone to stand by you at the expense of their own sanity. It's so common for addicts to think that they're the victims when everyone else decides they can't watch them kill themselves any longer.

For what it's worth, my girlfriend of 4 years left me after I put her through a year of watching me kill myself with heroin. I lied, cheated and stole my way through the last part of that relationship and she eventually decided she'd had enough. At first I hated her for leaving me, wondering if she ever cared about me at all, but in retrospect I see that the most loving thing she could have done was what she did. If she hadn't left me I wouldn't have hit the lowest point I've ever been in in my life, I probably would have kept taking advantage of her and using, and probably would have ended up dead or in prison.

There's a bigger picture here than her calling you a loser drug addict. Your life is at stake. Just because you've been to rehab once before doesn't mean you can't go again. It took me two stints myself to finally have it stick. You need help man, stop using her as an excuse to keep suffering through this. If you've had enough of living this way then its on you to make the choice to get the help you need, not her or anyone else.

Please consider getting help again.
 
Deep down you know as well as I do that that's not true dude. I only told you a small slice of my story before but believe me I know what you're feeling right now, and that was only a few short years ago. At the time I was absolutely certain that I would never be happy again, or learn how to live without being fucked up 24/7. But today, only a few short years later, I have a completely different outlook on life and am in a much, much better place than I was then, even without the girl I was so in love with before (we haven't talked in over a year now).

The point I'm trying to make is that if you get the help you need things will start looking up for you much sooner than you expect. Certainly much sooner than if you don't. It's so hard to see the forest from the trees when you're in the place you're in right now, but all it takes is that first step in the right direction. Getting help.

At the very least, think on it some and get some sleep tonight. Whatever you do, please don't go blow through 3 grams of coke. You know exactly where that's going to leave you when it wears off, which is always much too quickly no matter how much you do.
 
dxmkid, ive said nasty shit about you on here before.
but let me tell you something
A:
you havent done stims much have you?
ive done lots of amphetamine, the more you do stims, the SHITTIER you will feel in the end..and if you dont know, if you stay up on stims long enough, you WILL start seeing things and experiencing psychosis which is HORRIBLE trust me.
just stop with the cocaine ok?
B:
her saying this means SHE CARES. a LOT.
it sounds like she just wants the best for you man.
seriously, if you need to, tell your parents, go to rehab, just quit DXM.
i know its not quite that easy for you probably to "just quit" but you HAVE TO.
you WILL fry your brain doing that shit. the fact that she stays with you through all this shows she really cares about you man. quit for yourself, if you cant quit DXM for yourself, quit for her.
let that be your motivation to quit
 
I can relate to you somewhat about fearing reality. The real world.

I'm 22 and I've been dependent on tramadol since I was 15! As far as I'm concerned - I haven't been in reality for 7 years. Just a constant serotonin-flooded, chemical-induced, false sense of what I think is reality.

I run out a couple of days early almost every month. And I assure you, reality hits hard when I have to go 2 or 3 days without tramadol. It hits so hard that I am baffled by it. It feels entirely alien to me. Needless to say, there is severely uncomfortable withdrawal every time I run out early, but I've made it through the withdrawal process once before and reality was even stranger after withdrawal ended. I had no nagging, agonizing, physical reminder every single morning to take some pills. I, of course, picked back up on my habit a week later and became dependent once again.

You have no idea (or you actually may) how fucking weird the world feels when I don't take tramadol.

But you're taking a completely different drug than tramadol. You're taking DXM. Tramadol sugar-coats reality. DXM literally fucks the shit out of reality. I don't see how someone could use DXM habitually. That disconnected feeling is just...UGH.

Again. Just come down, get yourself looking good and healthy. And talk to her.
 
Stop the coke. Eat. Shower. Your thoughts will change about this. Not even is your body completely drained but after that 3g you must have an incredible confused mental state, where everything seems to be shit and an OD seems to be a very reasonable step to make.

Rehab is never easy and a lot of people fall back to their old habit when they are on their own.

Do you have anyone else to "rely" on, like friends or relatives?
Go down your knees and yell at them that you cannot do this alone at this time.

And if you overdose, your girlfriend will hate you, but much more herself and cry herself to sleep for a long time.

Please don't end up like the beautiful ones that passed away due to things like this.
 
DXMkid420 said:
im too weak, i just cant do this. eon, your right, im putting her through hell, sometimes i think it would be better for her if i was gone.
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Dude take this as someone who has been in your shoes.

I had a bad DXM habit. 2-3, sometimes 5 or 6 bottles of Robo every single day for probably a year or more. I was always in the clouds, never gave a damn about anything, never got stressed out. It was pure bliss.

But then I started seeing the detrimental effects it was having on my life. My friends, family, partners... Everybody around me was suffering because of me.

You're looking at it completely wrong. You're not weak (trust me, those of us that can stomach as much DXM as we have are anything but weak) and you may think it would be better for her if you were gone but sit down and think really hard about what it would do to her and everybody else that you know.

As for kicking the DXM habit - its cold turkey or nothing man. Realistically, there aren't any serious withdrawals physically. When I quit doing it, my blood pressure dropped almost to the point of hypotension for a few days (but that's because my body had been in hypertension for over a year), I had some palpitations, some sweats... Mainly CNS stuff. But that cleared after a week at the most.

Psychologically - this is the hard part. You will need a damn good addiction therapist, preferably one that does EMDR, to make it through the psychological addiction. Still to this day I would pick up DXM again - but the last time I tried it, fortunately, I didn't get anything close to what I used to. My vision got fucked up and I felt drunk and sick with a pounding heart. Even tiering my doses to induce a plateau sigma, it was always the same.

I think once you kick the dextro out the door man, things will start changing drastically for you. They did for me until I got stupid with research chems and then went buck wild on those and raves.

Good luck man! You can make it through to the end of this - others before you have done it and you can too. I didn't experience any seizures and such, however, they have very potent medications to control those.

I don't think I need to give you the lecture about the coke like everybody else has so I won't.
 
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