I am from Ottawa but go to university in Toronto. For non-canadiens, that's going from a moderate sized city to a large city with a subtly different culture to boot.
I've always had a rougher time living in Toronto - in first year I became numb. I felt bored and depressed, and as though there was nothing good coming to me. I was wrong, but it didn't matter. I smoked a lot of pot, purely to escape. I cut myself and contemplated suicide. I gained weight and ignored exercise. I didn't get along with my roommates - I could barely take care of myself so you could imagine how I came off to others. I had no confidence around women and ended up in horrible friendships and relationships. I missed a romantic opportunity with a really nice guy because I was too uptight, even though looking back I really did find him attractive.
The year is fourth year now. I am 35 pounds lighter and down to 9.5% body fat (for me this is positive). I've since lost my virginity - indeed I don't need to worry at all about having sex at all thanks to a few nice girls (although I haven't had a real lasting relationship in years). My apartment is a good size. I have some solid work lined up and a good group of friends who accept me for who I am.
Yet... I'm starting to feel the same way I did in first year. I'll have days where all my life seems utterly pointless - where I can't muster up a single emotion, where it's hard to get out of bed. Where I can't feel anything. It was the worst the Sunday before last, I felt totally numb and would do anything just to make it stop. I wondered why I was even still alive. I could barely talk to the girl who came over - I got paranoid and said things to her that don't make sense to me now. I pushed her away emotionally, when being with her could have made us both feel better. I was going to see my two favourite hockey teams battle it out in two days, yet I didn't feel in the slightest bit like that was worth going on for. This made me feel worse - guys like Erik Cole, PK Subban, and Daniel Alfredsson were giving it their all every night and making thousands of people happy yet I couldn't even keep from falling into the same rut over and over? I started using codeine, which is OTC here, again that night, just to get back to feeling okay. Three times this week I've done it - yikes! After I swore it off. Yet other times this week, even not on it, I feel amazing and creative, and value my life and the good around me.
Right now I'm fine, but the prospect of just randomly going back into that black hole is scaring me. I don't feel in control at all. I know right now that it will be worth it to get through to the summer, where I have the most awesome plans which will be worth doing. I'm worried that I will completely lose sight of that in an instant, though, and destroy my future. I'm thinking of talking to university psychological services but I'm afraid that whatever they'll do will be for the worse. I can't quite explain it - I just have seen a lot of friends go that route and have bad experiences - get prescribed bad things, etc. I don't know *what* to do now, though, or who to talk to. My friends are great and empathic, but they can't help me. I don't quite have the strength to help me either, lately.
Is this silly? Should I go to the school psychologist? Does anyone have experience with this sort of thing?
I sometimes feel like I just am defective and I am not ever going to really be normal. I wanna be done with the drugs and the escapism. I value my life so much when I'm well, why can't I always feel like I do now?
Thanks all
I've always had a rougher time living in Toronto - in first year I became numb. I felt bored and depressed, and as though there was nothing good coming to me. I was wrong, but it didn't matter. I smoked a lot of pot, purely to escape. I cut myself and contemplated suicide. I gained weight and ignored exercise. I didn't get along with my roommates - I could barely take care of myself so you could imagine how I came off to others. I had no confidence around women and ended up in horrible friendships and relationships. I missed a romantic opportunity with a really nice guy because I was too uptight, even though looking back I really did find him attractive.
The year is fourth year now. I am 35 pounds lighter and down to 9.5% body fat (for me this is positive). I've since lost my virginity - indeed I don't need to worry at all about having sex at all thanks to a few nice girls (although I haven't had a real lasting relationship in years). My apartment is a good size. I have some solid work lined up and a good group of friends who accept me for who I am.
Yet... I'm starting to feel the same way I did in first year. I'll have days where all my life seems utterly pointless - where I can't muster up a single emotion, where it's hard to get out of bed. Where I can't feel anything. It was the worst the Sunday before last, I felt totally numb and would do anything just to make it stop. I wondered why I was even still alive. I could barely talk to the girl who came over - I got paranoid and said things to her that don't make sense to me now. I pushed her away emotionally, when being with her could have made us both feel better. I was going to see my two favourite hockey teams battle it out in two days, yet I didn't feel in the slightest bit like that was worth going on for. This made me feel worse - guys like Erik Cole, PK Subban, and Daniel Alfredsson were giving it their all every night and making thousands of people happy yet I couldn't even keep from falling into the same rut over and over? I started using codeine, which is OTC here, again that night, just to get back to feeling okay. Three times this week I've done it - yikes! After I swore it off. Yet other times this week, even not on it, I feel amazing and creative, and value my life and the good around me.
Right now I'm fine, but the prospect of just randomly going back into that black hole is scaring me. I don't feel in control at all. I know right now that it will be worth it to get through to the summer, where I have the most awesome plans which will be worth doing. I'm worried that I will completely lose sight of that in an instant, though, and destroy my future. I'm thinking of talking to university psychological services but I'm afraid that whatever they'll do will be for the worse. I can't quite explain it - I just have seen a lot of friends go that route and have bad experiences - get prescribed bad things, etc. I don't know *what* to do now, though, or who to talk to. My friends are great and empathic, but they can't help me. I don't quite have the strength to help me either, lately.
Is this silly? Should I go to the school psychologist? Does anyone have experience with this sort of thing?
I sometimes feel like I just am defective and I am not ever going to really be normal. I wanna be done with the drugs and the escapism. I value my life so much when I'm well, why can't I always feel like I do now?
Thanks all
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