S
ShadesOfGrey
Guest
Hey, I don't really know why I'm posting this, I never post. I am a lurker. I read shit (particularly TDS) to see if I can bring myself to feel. I have never been diagnosed (I chronically avoid doctors, institutions and authority in general) but I am unable to feel empathy, love, compassion, sadness, regret.. I calculate everything that is said or done to me because I feel everyone is just trying to screw me over or benefit themselves. I push people away, and make up excuses to not catch up or go out almost every day. Everyone treats me with respect yet I feel I would have no problem stabbing them in the back - I have a great sense of pride and know this is wrong, but it doesn't bother me.
I have been with my partner for almost 5 years, we were both young when we met but I had experienced much more than her, and have practically trained her to distrust the world and isolate herself as much as I do. I feel that she is slowly turning into the zombie that I am (she doesn't answer her phone to anyone except me, and only sees people if she has to)
What's even worse is, she does anything I want, and tries absolutely 110% to make me feel happy and love her, but I often think about just catching a plane and disappearing off the face of the planet. I am a compulsive/excellent liar and am able to make everything look great on the surface to my workmates, employer, friends I bump into and my partner. The only person who knows what's going on inside is me - and I never let anyone in.
I haven't spoken to my entire family for years now (since I walked out and left at 16 without a word) - they live within 10kms of my home and message me a lot (have given up trying to call me) and leave letters at my house. Yet it all means nothing to me. Can anyone tell me why I lack the ability to trust anyone and put good faith in people, why I cannot feel when I know I should?
This afternoon, the whole world looked like shades of grey. I was driving home from work, and looked at the car in front of me. I thought to myself - wonder what would happen if I didn't brake and just slammed into it? Then I thought, nah, not going fast enough, you'd wanna do it properly the first time. That ain't right, and I think that's what brought me to typing this. Meh, off to drink and smoke myself into oblivion.. Cheers.
I have been with my partner for almost 5 years, we were both young when we met but I had experienced much more than her, and have practically trained her to distrust the world and isolate herself as much as I do. I feel that she is slowly turning into the zombie that I am (she doesn't answer her phone to anyone except me, and only sees people if she has to)
What's even worse is, she does anything I want, and tries absolutely 110% to make me feel happy and love her, but I often think about just catching a plane and disappearing off the face of the planet. I am a compulsive/excellent liar and am able to make everything look great on the surface to my workmates, employer, friends I bump into and my partner. The only person who knows what's going on inside is me - and I never let anyone in.
I haven't spoken to my entire family for years now (since I walked out and left at 16 without a word) - they live within 10kms of my home and message me a lot (have given up trying to call me) and leave letters at my house. Yet it all means nothing to me. Can anyone tell me why I lack the ability to trust anyone and put good faith in people, why I cannot feel when I know I should?
This afternoon, the whole world looked like shades of grey. I was driving home from work, and looked at the car in front of me. I thought to myself - wonder what would happen if I didn't brake and just slammed into it? Then I thought, nah, not going fast enough, you'd wanna do it properly the first time. That ain't right, and I think that's what brought me to typing this. Meh, off to drink and smoke myself into oblivion.. Cheers.
