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I don't care, is that bad?

Eyes On the Roll

Eyes On the Roll

Bluelighter
Joined
Jun 26, 2010
Messages
692
Location
Heaven
I know I'm dark, I know I'm bad. I've realized this and embraced it years ago. I'm a poly-substance abuser and that much is apparent. I drink all day every day, so what? I work, I learn, and classes start again in the fall. I function better under the influence, is that so bad? Yeah, I can't function as a normal sober individual, but many can't. I swear I'm smarter under the influence. I'm not looking for anyone to convince me otherwise this time. This is the Dark Side, so I'm sharing my dark experience, and it happens to be positive, which is something TDS needs, positiveness. I don't condone this for anyone else, for it may not work for you, but it works wonders for me. If I die from withdrawals (which won't happen cause I won't stop) then so what? I'm as indifferent to death as I am to politics. I view death as sleep, after a long days of work. Welcoming. But not self induced.. which makes me reckless. People like me this way, no, they love me. My parents say I'm doing better than I ever have, and I'm not seeing a doctor this time, or taking meds. I'm so productive and friendly it's insane (considering me). I kid you not, everyone I work with loves me. If they see me on their shift, it brightens up their day, because I'm so friendly and helpful, and I have been told this.

My point being, if substance abuse works for you, then why stop? Maybe some people need to be fucked up to be normal? (I have not been taking Oxy again and I want to make that clear. I will never stray away from alcohol again.)
 
For me, alcohol seemed to kind of waken me up, almost like a cup of coffee ought to. I felt sharper when drunk, while everyone else seemed to get sloppy and fumble around. I often thought they were exaggerating for whatever reason. When sober, I was often in a fog of just unpleasant feelings and obsessive thinking. Alcohol had a way of putting all that to the side and I had more of a "fuck it" attitude.

The problem is simply that alcohol only worked until it didn't anymore. I started drinking more and more until I was taking triple shots all day out of big bottles of cheap vodka. I stopped feeling "drunk" and generally just felt so incredibly empty and unhappy when sober that alcohol made me normal, but I needed more and more. Eventually my liver began giving out on me, I turned completely yellow, I couldn't stomach my food and threw up everything I tried to eat, and it got to the point where I couldn't even keep alcohol down so I went straight into withdrawals.

Earlier today I had similar thoughts that you're having, that I don't care if I die and I'd rather just drink until I'm gone. Unfortunately, the death that alcohol brings usually a slow, painful, indignifying death. I can't necessarily speak for everyone else, but I can say for a fact that I've abused a whole variety of substances and when I felt like I found what I really needed to feel "normal," it gradually turned on me and completely fucked my life up. I had a 3.70 GPA completely drunk a few years ago. Years later, I couldn't even get out of bed or bother to buy books.

Just thought my experience might provide some insight. Alcoholism gets really ugly and that sensation of feeling better and normal wears off.
 
I've never been attracted to alcohol until now, since I'm on probation and I can't take anything else. But honestly, I love it. I used to smoke Oxy daily. 300mgs a day, hundreds of dollars a day. I used to take ecstasy for days straight, heavily, I used to snort coke by the gram a day heavily, I had a 6mg Klonopin script a day cause I ca pull strings. When I'm sober I just can't live with myself. I have murderous obsessive thoughts that would eventually land me in prison, and I don't feel empathy (I know I've said it time and time again.. but I'm not trying to go Hollywood, I'm being serious). I still walk around with a kitchen knife in my pocket under the influence of alcohol.. but this time I'm not looking for a fight, I'm waiting for one, which makes all the difference.

Thanks for your input. It gives me insight, but it doesn't change my mind. I know what will eventually happen. I believe in destiny, so I'm not afraid.

Yes, I fear the day when alcohol stops working for me, but that day is far away and I'm known for living in the moment.
 
I can relate 100 percent to your post! When I was a bartender I used to make ten times the tips when I was using...I always felt more outgoing and friendly and less stressed.. people loved me. At my new job I seem to be way more efficient when I'm using and just happier overall. The problem for me is when I can't get any...I go crazy and feel to sick to even go to work...not to mention I spend most my money on drugs. But if drugs were free I would never stop :)
 
You'll see it differently. The problem is that drugs do indeed offer many positives into our life, but unfortunately they dont last long and the negatives are usually very overwhelming once abuse begins. Even though I dont always use weed (nor would I call myself addicted), I find it frustrating that sometimes the only way I feel I can think with a straight head and calm mindset is after smoking a bowl (or being on any drug really does that to me). I know I have it in me to be a calm respectable person in real life when dealing with frustrating situations with my parents sober, and I feel like using for that reason is what holds me back from achieving that. Eventually if I did start to use consistently throughout the day I feel like once it stopped working I wouldn't be capable.

Yeah a lot of the time I share the same "I don't give a fuck if I die" attitude because for some reason I don't really think that I'd care if I died. But deep down I know I do. Deep down life is something that is so near and dear to me that I'd never want to give it up willingly, or do something to myself that would hold back my one shot at greatness in the short time that I have alive. The problem is when you DO start to care, what then? I feel like it happens to most people. Just think about yourself man, look at all these people on here who used opiates and many other drugs the same way. As an escape from themselves and reality. On drugs, we almost become new people capable of different things. Man I could tell you the stories of people sitting around listening to all the things that I have to say while we're all (or at least just me) on LSD or shrooms. Is it a positive? Yes. But what if I started tripping out everyday and my excuse was "I don't give a fuck how bad it is for me, I just want to be able to have this wonderful insight on life". Eventually one day that insight is going to be gone with the wind. My reasons for using would change, and I wouldn't ever be able to achieve this "greatness" that I feel on hallucinogens and drugs in general sober.

It just turns into an endless cycle. I think if you go through this forum, you'll realize that the main problem with drugs is that they fuel that "I don't give a fuck" attitude. Eventually when you stop caring, you life will lose it's purpose and when you do begin to care, I can't tell you the horrible painful regret that I feel for all of the missed opportunities in life that are affected by my "I don't give a fuck" attitude. What you get when you start drugs and what you get at the end are usually always completely different, as well as everything in the between.

All of us have the ability to be great. Don't let apathy weigh you down. Even though I'm still young, it's my biggest regret.
 
Eyes On the Roll said:
I know I'm dark, I know I'm bad. I've realized this and embraced it years ago. I'm a poly-substance abuser and that much is apparent. I drink all day every day, so what? I work, I learn, and classes start again in the fall. I function better under the influence, is that so bad? Yeah, I can't function as a normal sober individual, but many can't. I swear I'm smarter under the influence. I'm not looking for anyone to convince me otherwise this time. This is the Dark Side, so I'm sharing my dark experience, and it happens to be positive, which is something TDS needs, positiveness. I don't condone this for anyone else, for it may not work for you, but it works wonders for me. If I die from withdrawals (which won't happen cause I won't stop) then so what? I'm as indifferent to death as I am to politics. I view death as sleep, after a long days of work. Welcoming. But not self induced.. which makes me reckless. People like me this way, no, they love me. My parents say I'm doing better than I ever have, and I'm not seeing a doctor this time, or taking meds. I'm so productive and friendly it's insane (considering me). I kid you not, everyone I work with loves me. If they see me on their shift, it brightens up their day, because I'm so friendly and helpful, and I have been told this.

My point being, if substance abuse works for you, then why stop? Maybe some people need to be fucked up to be normal? (I have not been taking Oxy again and I want to make that clear. I will never stray away from alcohol again.)
Click to expand...
Drinking effects your judgement, how do you know those assessments are correct?
Even if they are, is it sustainable?
There are other means to achieve popularity and productivity which won't impact on your health and decision making.
Substance abuse makes you feel good now, but there is always a price to pay. Paying with further abuse can only work for so long.
 
How old are you?

You sound very young, I mean I remember being 17 and thinking just like you. Just sneak a few shots before you leave your place, make that bottle of vodka-orange, down breathe mints like oxygen.

What you don't understand is your not forging any real relationships unless they themselves are addicts. (In reality, they feel sorry for you but your too buzzed to notice.)

Flash forward a few years, you'll have absolutely NOBODY. You will have a failing liver, needing a transplant for an average life-span. You will be hacking up blood, vomit, and who knows, and look like shit. Just a few words of experience there. I am 25. I basically have no liver and I remember this state of disillusion like yesterday.
 
as others have said this will change with age how much age is dependent on the individual but i started drinking at 7 and by the time i was 14 it and other drugs wrecked me i still use to this day but am making an effort (foolishly) to be a functional addict i just don't think it's possible at this point but damnit if i'm not giving it the ol' college try
 
Eyes on the Roll,

I couldn't help but notice some of your posts in the alcoholism thread. I'm not trying to patronize you, but the posts you made in that thread don't really correspond to this thread. In the alcoholism thread you mentioned difficulty eating and other people noticing your drunk behavior or the smell of booze on you, and your generally tragic outlook. So I have trouble believing alcohol is going to solve any of your problems or that people "like" you better when drunk. Just something to think about.
 
personally, i hate sounding like some kind of AA dude, but i can see the OP's path laid out before me like the path of the sun across a clear blue sky. posting this is a cry for help and dude needs it. i hope you get it and i wish there had been someone to clue me in at whatever age you are now.
 
most people i know that drink all day everyday are scumbags that think they're awesome because of the liquid confidence... just sayin.

i think ErikTheRed highlighted the other side of the alcoholic coin pretty well.
 
I would like to know EyesOnTheRoll - What have you accomplished in your life? What have you done so far? Something tells me you have done nothing, and believe the alcohol to be helping you. I've been there, I'm still there in bad times. I would like an answer to the question. Have you made a difference in other people's lives? Have you left your legacy? If not, I'm sorry to tell you but the alcohol will work against these goals as much as you think otherwise.
 
I wish I had an excuse to drink all day every day.

I mean that's what you're doing dude you're just making excuses for yourself.
 
Alcohol is disgusting man. It's a filthy, vile drug that will wreck your body in the long term. Your internal organs will never be the same, and all it does is amplify your ego. Your body will go to shit. It's one of the main causes of so many world issues. It is very neurotoxic, and it will eventually make you braindead. I think it's worse than anything else out there...

Why would you support the system by buying that shit? The only reason it's legal is because it assists in keeping people in the dark and controlled by the system. You're a sheep if you're handing money over to the government to destroy yourself. This drug has nothing for you, no mind expanding properties, nothing good will come of it. And your withdrawals are going to be torture, why put yourself through this?

Getting drunk is very little else but self abuse. I do think it's a fun time, but the side effects are horrific. Is that what you want to do with your life? Show yourself some respect man, that shit is the devil.

I don't see how you can like poison so much. Although I'm sure your opinion will change if you keep at it.
 
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rave_itsrealfun!!! said:
I don't see how you can like poison so much. Although I'm sure your opinion will change if you keep at it.
Click to expand...

This is true. With time, you'll find yourself both disgusted by alcohol and almost incapable of staying away from it. I am not just speculating. This is my life. Alcoholism will reduce you to shit. I don't know how else to say it. Leave it alone.
 
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